The Gate

Hi James,

Let me know if I'm giving you too much, sometimes its good to let things digest.

Everything has felt just right so far. Thank you for checking in.

Today has felt different. As I mentioned earlier, I can more easily connect with my body sensations than visual, so when you invited me to sit and examine where my butt ended and the chair began, it felt very alive and vivid for me. As I did so, the thought of your story of removing the labels of things came to mind and I explored that as well. Noticing a twinge of pain in my right shoulder, I took away the label "pain" and then "shoulder" and what was left was just... no words. As different sensations, sounds, etc. arose, I kept doing that over and over... removing the labels and just being with what was arising. It felt amazing.

Please LOOK for any place where your butt ends & the chair begins.

Is there any clear dividing line between them?
Or only the Sensation with no clear division?

No. There is no clear dividing line between butt/chair. There is more of a cloud of sensation in that general area. But then as I looked even closer, it wasn't clear that they were even in an "area" of the room/my body. They just... were.

Evening Felicity,

You can do this next exercise with any sense, but it's usuallybeasiest with hearing -

When a sound appears, look for the difference between what's heard, the process of hearing and who's hearing.
Put a bit plainer look for the heard, the hearing and the hearer.

Let me know what you find.


❤️🖖

usuallybeasiest

is an interesting concept

shall we go with

usually easiest

🤣

Hi James,
This was very "beasy", indeed. 🤣

All "3" are happening simultaneously. I can't distinguish one from the next and they lose all meaning as separate ideas when I investigate. Sound just is. And there is a sense of it integrating with physical sensation as well. The sound is felt in the body simultaneously and again, not separate from the sound itself.

I wanted to also share that there was some fear that arose today and the related thoughts were around becoming "bad" if I truly let the idea of a separate self drop. It seems silly to type it out... total BS... but I thought I'd mention that experience.

At the same time as the fear was arising, there was simultaneously a knowing that everything was fine. It felt like going through the motions of fear or something.

Evening Felicity,

All "3" are happening simultaneously. I can't distinguish one from the next and they lose all meaning as separate ideas when I investigate. Sound just is.

Yes, there is the happening of sound, nothing else.
Since sound is one of the senses, what does this imply for the others?
Have a look, let me know.

some fear that arose today and the related thoughts were around becoming "bad" if I truly let the idea of a separate self drop. It seems silly to type it out... total BS... but I thought I'd mention that experience.

Perfectly normal response.
Thank you for sharing it.

Let's work through an assumption here -

If what you're being told here is bullshit or it never happens, then the self won't drop, you won't be bad. And you can justifiably hate me for wasting your time.

Now here's the assumption (and it's an assumption until you experience it, like as was said before, don't take anything on trust) there is no self.

You have seen so far that -

There is no control over actions (palm flip)
There is no control over thoughts (10 words)
Words get in the way of seeing clearly (apple)
Your body is not totally separate from the world (butt/chair)
Everything you sense is just happening (heard/hearer/hearing)

If there is a self it's not doing much and you're not being bad right now (I assume)

If there is no self, then there never has been and you weren't bad before, so why would you be bad in the future?

We shall explore the idea of responsibility, what does it mean?

❤️🖖

Hello James,
I feel the escape routes closing in all around with this last message from you. (In a good way.) I had to read it like 4 times because my mind was trying to pretend it didn't understand your deductive reasoning in the second half. "Too confusing" and "overwhelmed" were the thoughts that appeared.

Since sound is one of the senses, what does this imply for the others?
Have a look, let me know.

There is only sight happening.
There is only taste happening.
There is only sensation happening.
There is only scent happening.

I see the thought that still wants to tack an "I" onto each of those. It's still there. But I see it. When investigated, there's nothing to find as the "doer" of those senses.

When I was little, I used to love doing logic puzzles. You know, the ones in the game magazines with the little grids where you mark off which options are possible/not possible. An important part of the process of solving one of those is you have to trust what you've marked previously. This feels similar... sure, I can keep seeing that "I" thought and RE-testing it every damned time, but eventually, doesn't that become pointless? Sort of a waste of time? I've already "marked down" that there is no "I" seeing, hearing, tasting, sensing or smelling. Do I really need to keep looking? And of course, the answer seems to be yes... until I don't anymore.

If what you're being told here is bullshit or it never happens, then the self won't drop, you won't be bad. And you can justifiably hate me for wasting your time.

This simultaneously made me laugh and also rang out clear as a bell.

If there is no self, then there never has been and you weren't bad before, so why would you be bad in the future?

Pretty sure you meant this as a rhetorical question, but I'm going to answer it anyway...

What's relevant to me seems to be what is meant by "bad" for me... which probably is better defined as "authentic". There was early programming here to be a "good girl" and follow the rules and get good grades and not get in trouble. But the truth is, this human also feels anger and laziness and many many times did not want to do the thing that she felt she "had" to do. And so it's clear to me that I wouldn't be "bad" in the criminal or evil sense... I'm actually not worried about that at all. I'm really just worried that I will be rejected or unloved for expressing authentically. Which I realize is beyond what we're discussing here in this context, but I wanted to share it. It's not actually that I worry I'll be bad... it's that I'll be perceived as bad by those whom I deem important because my ability to bullshit is going to fall away. Wow, it is humbling to type this out. There's a part of me that wants to keep this belief in self, because then I can believe I'm controlling others' experiences of me (more bullshit...I have no idea how they perceive me) to keep myself safe and in their good graces.

Wow - there is a flaw in logic here... I'm going to keep typing. There seems to be a magical belief that somehow by keeping this belief in a real self, that I can keep controlling my actions and personality. That the BELIEF in self is somehow doing that. That if I stop believing in self, that I'll lose that control. That doesn't even make logical sense.

That confused, overwhelmed thought is here again. Like I've caught myself in a lie. How am I lying to myself?!

I stopped. Felt my fingers on the keys. Listened to the fan. Peacefulness.

I'm going to leave that last part alone for a moment. I'd like to try addressing your last question... it seems related, actually.

We shall explore the idea of responsibility, what does it mean?

When I think of responsibility, I think of my kids. I am responsible for making sure they are clothed, fed, safe, etc. It's a choice I make to take on that responsibility... not everyone does. Because I have chosen to be responsible for their clothing, nutrition, safety, I naturally take care of those things. I've accepted that responsibility as mine and so the related tasks get done.

And then I think about certain chores which have been assigned to my kids and they do NOT feel any sort of responsibility to do.🤣 It's not real for them... they haven't accepted that responsibility. They don't own it. And so it doesn't get done reliably.

I have no idea if I'm taking this in a direction that's useful, but that's where my mind went.

Hello Felicity,

There is only sight happening.
There is only taste happening.
There is only sensation happening.
There is only scent happening.

I see the thought that still wants to tack an "I" onto each of those. It's still there. But I see it. When investigated, there's nothing to find as the "doer" of those sensestopit.

Add to this there is only thought happening.

When I think of responsibility, I think of my kids. I am responsible for making sure they are clothed, fed, safe, etc.

There is an old (I think Zen) saying -
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment chop wood, carry water.
So for the Felicity version -
Before enlightenment feed kids etc. After enlightenment fed kids etc.





Prior to awakening, what we anticipate “it” will be is influenced by what we want it to be, because there is a “me” that wants to be part of it.





Try this -

Watch experiencing during everyday activities. What is it that drives the car? What puts food in the mouth? What is it that reads these words, types replies? Is there a 'something' doing these...or do they simply happen, all on their own? Look deeply into this many times a day, without expectations....

Nothing at all to lose, except the false idea that you exist.





❤️🖖

Good evening James,
After I wrote that last post, I sat down with my fear of being seen as "bad" by my Dad and found the deep grief underneath. I'm glad that was uncovered. There's a feeling of spaciousness.

Watch experiencing during everyday activities. What is it that drives the car? What puts food in the mouth? What is it that reads these words, types replies? Is there a 'something' doing these...or do they simply happen, all on their own? Look deeply into this many times a day, without expectations....

Will do. This feels right.

❤️

Hi James,
Here's my daily post, as promised.

Not being clear on "this" that we've been discussing is just a thought. Here there is quiet, open, expansive...

It's when thoughts come that "I need to analyze this and figure out what's going on and why it's like this and what it all means" that there begins to be an identification with a stream of thoughts. But nothing has really ben lost in taking that little trip. That's the pattern that has been blocking seeing this clearly. The "figurer-outer" couldn't be content with BEING.

It's fine. It will likely happen again. I see it.

Evening Felicity,

You're doing great, this next pointer may be the hardest one I'll ever give you -

Relax.

Nothing is going anywhere.

❤️🖖

Thank you, James. It's perfect.

Hello James,
Things are pretty uncomplicated here at the moment. Sitting with the dog and then a thought to send you a message, so the body sits and the fingers type.

There was an unseen expectation that I would "understand" things better through this process. And perhaps someday that will be true. But it no longer feels necessary. To be clear, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. This mind doesn't "get it". And there's no drive to force it to be otherwise. And if there's no more need to understand, then everything can just be experienced without inviting the mind to do its "figuring out" dance that pulls me away from this. And then there's just freedom and space and flowing with what is.

So yeah... just "relaxing" as you suggested. ☺️

Afternoon Felicity,

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

Well that's a relief because there's nothing to understand.
You knew everything you needed to know at the moment we started this conversation.
This isn't a deepening, it's a lessening, just letting things fall away.

There was an unseen expectation

Yep, pretty much explains all the problems in my life.
There's a quote (I think from a psychologist called Robert Holden) -

"Life is full of pain and misery, most of which never actually happens."

everything can just be experienced

Exactly, although how does this rewording work for you? -

everything is just experience

(or maybe even better)

experience is everything


❤️🖖

Hi James!

This isn't a deepening, it's a lessening, just letting things fall away.

Ooooh, yes. That is so clear.

Exactly, although how does this rewording work for you? -

everything is just experience

(or maybe even better)

experience is everything

Yes. Thank you for rewording that. The "selfing" hides in so many little places. Awareness of that is awesome. Even MORE awesome is that it isn't a "problem" that needs to be "solved"!!! 🤣