Hello James,
I feel the escape routes closing in all around with this last message from you. (In a good way.) I had to read it like 4 times because my mind was trying to pretend it didn't understand your deductive reasoning in the second half. "Too confusing" and "overwhelmed" were the thoughts that appeared.
Since sound is one of the senses, what does this imply for the others?
Have a look, let me know.
There is only sight happening.
There is only taste happening.
There is only sensation happening.
There is only scent happening.
I see the thought that still wants to tack an "I" onto each of those. It's still there. But I see it. When investigated, there's nothing to find as the "doer" of those senses.
When I was little, I used to love doing logic puzzles. You know, the ones in the game magazines with the little grids where you mark off which options are possible/not possible. An important part of the process of solving one of those is you have to trust what you've marked previously. This feels similar... sure, I can keep seeing that "I" thought and RE-testing it every damned time, but eventually, doesn't that become pointless? Sort of a waste of time? I've already "marked down" that there is no "I" seeing, hearing, tasting, sensing or smelling. Do I really need to keep looking? And of course, the answer seems to be yes... until I don't anymore.
If what you're being told here is bullshit or it never happens, then the self won't drop, you won't be bad. And you can justifiably hate me for wasting your time.
This simultaneously made me laugh and also rang out clear as a bell.
If there is no self, then there never has been and you weren't bad before, so why would you be bad in the future?
Pretty sure you meant this as a rhetorical question, but I'm going to answer it anyway...
What's relevant to me seems to be what is meant by "bad" for me... which probably is better defined as "authentic". There was early programming here to be a "good girl" and follow the rules and get good grades and not get in trouble. But the truth is, this human also feels anger and laziness and many many times did not want to do the thing that she felt she "had" to do. And so it's clear to me that I wouldn't be "bad" in the criminal or evil sense... I'm actually not worried about that at all. I'm really just worried that I will be rejected or unloved for expressing authentically. Which I realize is beyond what we're discussing here in this context, but I wanted to share it. It's not actually that I worry I'll be bad... it's that I'll be perceived as bad by those whom I deem important because my ability to bullshit is going to fall away. Wow, it is humbling to type this out. There's a part of me that wants to keep this belief in self, because then I can believe I'm controlling others' experiences of me (more bullshit...I have no idea how they perceive me) to keep myself safe and in their good graces.
Wow - there is a flaw in logic here... I'm going to keep typing. There seems to be a magical belief that somehow by keeping this belief in a real self, that I can keep controlling my actions and personality. That the BELIEF in self is somehow doing that. That if I stop believing in self, that I'll lose that control. That doesn't even make logical sense.
That confused, overwhelmed thought is here again. Like I've caught myself in a lie. How am I lying to myself?!
I stopped. Felt my fingers on the keys. Listened to the fan. Peacefulness.
I'm going to leave that last part alone for a moment. I'd like to try addressing your last question... it seems related, actually.
We shall explore the idea of responsibility, what does it mean?
When I think of responsibility, I think of my kids. I am responsible for making sure they are clothed, fed, safe, etc. It's a choice I make to take on that responsibility... not everyone does. Because I have chosen to be responsible for their clothing, nutrition, safety, I naturally take care of those things. I've accepted that responsibility as mine and so the related tasks get done.
And then I think about certain chores which have been assigned to my kids and they do NOT feel any sort of responsibility to do.🤣 It's not real for them... they haven't accepted that responsibility. They don't own it. And so it doesn't get done reliably.
I have no idea if I'm taking this in a direction that's useful, but that's where my mind went.
