Newcomer, welcome here

[Nick]

If I didn't know better I'd think the "little man" in my head was afraid to come out and play every time I try to focus on seeing a thought or its source or its location - it goes away.

THIS.

Sorry I just kept thinking about your statement and how awesome it is.

Seriously. You are so close. :)

[xthinker88]

your whole life you've BELIEVED that there was little man in your head. You've believed that life is like a first person movie and Mark is the main character. Yet when you look for this little man, he's nowhere to be found. In fact, he didn't go away because he was never there to begin with! This is it, man, you are LOOKING. You're standing proud at the Gateless Gate. Do not falter. Keep looking at this. Really look for the "self", the "little man".

I'm still having trouble with the whole "looking" thing. It seems like it would be easy at this point to substitute the belief in no little man for the belief in the little man but this isn't the goal. Not sure who is supposed to look?

The dream thing has me intrigued. Not feeling well and woke up several times during the night remembering snippets of dreams. Some unreal, others completely mundane but still not real. Clearly - there is no dreamer. Dreams just happen. Even in the dreams, when there seems to be an I, it's usually different in some significant way from the I experienced during waking hours.

Also, others clearly see "me" differently than the "little man" appears in my thoughts. So who is right? No one. But, still, this seems more about belief than seeing at this point.

[Nick]

It seems like it would be easy at this point to substitute the belief in no little man for the belief in the little man but this isn't the goal.

yes, you understand this is not adopting a new belief or changing anything. it's recognition of that which is ALREADY true. If you were locked inside your whole life and everyone told you the sky was red, you'd believe them. When you escape and go outside, you don't suddenly "believe" it is blue, you look right at it and there it is, blue all along!

There never was a little man, and that has NOTHING to do with what beliefs there are or were.

Not sure who is supposed to look?

No one looks. Looking happens. Just like it's not "you" thinking or "you" hearing, etc. Do you think that if there was some type of real "you" in control, that any of this would be happening?

Clearly - there is no dreamer. Dreams just happen.

See that waking is the same. You said "There is no dreamer. Dreams just happen." Take it a step further - "There is no me. Life just happens." Dreams and waking life both occur in the same reality or "place". Just like thinking, hearing, etc.


Let's cut to the chase.
DO you exist as a separate entity?
Who or what is in control of Mark's life?

[xthinker88]

Still here (in both senses of the phrase). Just haven't been feeling well over the weekend. Still trying to look though. Not sure I'm getting anywhere. Feel stuck.

[Nick]

Mark, hope you feel better soon.

If you need to chill for a bit, that's ok. Just wait until you're ready to begin again in earnest. But DON'T let your imaginary ego trick you - making you sick or making you feel scared or uncomfortable may be the last-ditch efforts to sabotage looking. This thing is wounded and dying and will get desperate trying to protect itself. I know you're not going to come out and say "this is bullshit, I quit". But the ego can trick you, get you to take a break, and then distractions come up and you never come back here. Which btw won't work in the long run. Your "self" is already mortally wounded, and it's just a matter of time. Best to get it done quick like ripping off a band-aid. So please, keep with it.

Try to relax. Check out your breathing while sitting quietly, walking, driving, or something. Investigate in a gentle way, and see if you are in control of the breathing. Notice how it sometimes seems like there's a "you" that takes over control of breathing, but there's really not. Like when you're asleep, the breathing just happens. Hair and nails growing on their own, the body digesting food on its own. Look and see if you are in control or not.

When ready, start writing. If you want, write out your frustrations and feeling of being stuck. Just start ranting and put down in words exactly what's happening right here and now. It doesn't have to sound smart or wise or any of that shit. Remember - you're not stuck. There's just "being stuck", temporarily.

Nick

[xthinker88]

Driving home today in a small rain. The kind of random rain that desn't cover anything. In fact, it didn't require my wipers. As the drops randomly filled the windshield, it became clear that while I could be sure that there would be a next drop, I could not predict where. All I could do was look through the windshield and watch where they hit.

This seemed applicable. Thoughts = raindrops. No control over where they land even when a general theme (like covering the windshield) is present.

Trying to see past the raindrops to the source. But evn at moments like this, it still seems that the awareness is bounded. Like seeing through the windshield.

[Nick]

Ok good. With the raindrops, you're watching them and noting them one by one as they appear.

What about thoughts? Who or what is thinking them? Is there a thinker?

Nick

[xthinker88]

Still here. Can't find a thinker. At times, it Seems like the awareness is just there in my head, like the candle light looking out of a Jack o lantern. But that whole bunde still seems like it should be the me. Not getting any sense of connection with any other candle light out there. Even when the mind is basically still.

[Nick]

Ok but look and see if there's really a difference between "inside" the jack o lantern, and "outside" in the world.

Like there's this belief that you are somehow trapped inside, limited to this box, and that the light that illuminates everything is coming from inside. These are just beliefs, youll never find proof for them. Look and see that this light that illuminates everything exists everywhere at all times.

Try pointing your finger at some things around you- a chair, book, whatever. Look with your eyes along your pointing finger. See how you objectify this process, It seems that "you" are looking at a separate object. But really look, where is the "You" in this process? Try to find it, you can't. All there is in this moment is looking.

If you really want to look deeply, try turning the same finger around, and point it at yourself. Point right at your forehead, really LOOK and ask yourself, what is this indicating? Where is this supposed me that I've identified with this head? Others can see this head/face called Mark, it shows up in the mirror and in photos. But what is it In real life, as experienced right here and now? Don't believe what you're told by others and by looking in the mirror. Look right HERE where everything's happening for real.

Can you find it?

[Nick]

Hi Mark,

You mentioned in our PM that life sucks right now. I'm really sorry to hear that. It's pretty common for people, once they start to go through this awakening process as you are, to feel the suffering in their life get worse for a time. Your eyes are opening and you're seeing all the crap more clearly now. Trust me, lets keep going and get through this. Don't give up now.

You have stated that you feel stuck, like consciousness trapped inside a jack-o-lantern. This is a beautiful but sad image, it really conveys the feeling of being trapped, separated, and not truly alive, just a scary fake face carved into an inanimate pumpkin. You are dark, bro, and you got a gift with words.

Take a minute to look. Use your physical eyes and gaze around the room. You think that there's a pumpkin-like head there, that "you" are somehow trapped inside and separate from everything else around you. See if its true. I'm doing this right now, too. I'm looking down at the hands typing away on the computer, I'm looking over at the cup of coffe, at the wall, lamp, etc. When I look, I see absolutely nothing in between "me" and the surrounding world. Just look, gaze around. There is absolutely nothing blocking your view. You don't see a thick skull, or two eyeballs, or a brain, or any barriers at all. Feel that openness, that unification. You are not the center of this world and you are not trapped inside a skull inside this world. In fact, there's no "you" involved at all!! There's just a cool world, flowing and moving along all on its own.

Now find the thoughts of "i". See that this is where the misery and suffering arise. Things happen, and then they get judged as bad, unwanted, annoying, etc. All of these judgements and the pain associated with them, these feelings happen AFTER the events themselves. They are like meta-events, experiences that occur on the level of thought, the level of thought about ME. These thoughts of me are just beliefs like the belief in santa. If you look honestly and investigate, you'll see that there's nothing real there, just thoughts. You can drop them. You have permission.

Just be open to the possibility that what I'm telling you is true, and then check. See if its true or not.

Sending brotherly love and support,

Nick

[xthinker88]

Ok. Starting with the jack-o-consciousness. Pumpkin with light. Recognizing that the light - while co-located with the pumpkin - might not be the "part" of the pumpkin.

Take a minute to look. Use your physical eyes and gaze around the room. You think that there's a pumpkin-like head there, that "you" are somehow trapped inside and separate from everything else around you. See if its true. I'm doing this right now, too. I'm looking down at the hands typing away on the computer, I'm looking over at the cup of coffe, at the wall, lamp, etc. When I look, I see absolutely nothing in between "me" and the surrounding world. Just look, gaze around. There is absolutely nothing blocking your view. You don't see a thick skull, or two eyeballs, or a brain, or any barriers at all. Feel that openness, that unification. You are not the center of this world and you are not trapped inside a skull inside this world. In fact, there's no "you" involved at all!! There's just a cool world, flowing and moving along all on its own.

Ok. There is nothing between me and the wall, the copier, the room door, the bookshelf. Well - except air. But there is nothing between me and the air. I can sort of sense what you are saying. But not quite. It does put me into an interesting state but I know "state" is not what we are looking for. I can see the believability but "belief" is not what we are after either.

I'll keep working on this tonight. It won't kill me if I "liberate" while cruising down the highway on my commute home will it? :)

[Nick]

no "you" to die.

Just kidding.

Actually, I'm not kidding. There is no you to die. Think about that.

But I think you'll be fine in the car. Just let the brain and body drive :)

[xthinker88]

I assume that driving should actually get better without a "me" to interrupt. Kind of like aikido in mushin.

Thanks.

[Nick]

Mark,

One theme I noticing in your posts is fear. The jack-o-lantern thing is very freaky and horrifying, like you feel you've damaged yourself somehow and now you're trapped. Then there's concern that you are going to crash your car and die, which I know you're joking but it's revealing nonetheless. It seems like all of this is manifestation of a real fear.

So be honest. I'm straight up telling you that you don't exist. That you never existed. That the entire life story of Mark is bullshit. What comes up? Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Just look at these statements and allow the fear to come up. Look right at the fear, respect it like you would respect your uke if you were nage for a senior aikido partner or a high-level teacher. Yeah it seems dangerous and its about to attack, but bow to it. Say "onegai shimasu". Look right at it, and through it. Fear exists for a reason, it serves a purpose, like a guard dog or something, to scare away. Look and see what are these feelings protecting...

What is the fear threatening you with, and what's behind the fear?

Look and write at length.

[xthinker88]

I think the fear comes from:

Uncertainty about what is on the other side of the gate. What changes? Is there loss of motivation, inability to function, etc. frankly the white haired guy on the video on this site seems placid and not all that functional. The fear that this will make life worse rather than better.

Oddly enough, I think there is also fear that this won't work. That maybe I can't do it. That I'm not "seeing" correctly or that I won't recognize it when it happens.

Granted, I recognize that these are somewhat contradictory fears. E fear what if it happens and the fear what if it doesn't. I think there is also a general hug level of background anxiety about several aspects of my life unrelated to this. That things will work out. As most things haven't seemed to recently.

Mark