I am struggling with the understanding of letting go of self

[Lubo]

Hey, hi dear Elise,
It is so beautiful to show your self so open.

I don't have to work so hard to BE ALIVE

I like the way you see that no effort is needed. Yes, all this is a gift and we can play freely in this playground.

I finally found my inner child. I've been trying to meet her, love her and hold her, and last night we met. These feelings of stories, thoughts, protections....are all buried as old memories in her, which never were able to be expressed or relieved with love or comfort. So I did that last night. I held her in my arms, let her sob and have a tantrum, and then we danced and played. Here I felt wholeness and love, very much in the moment. And I slept for the night for the first time in weeks.

Beautiful. Yes, exactly wr can meet all our parts here and embrace them and play freely here.

My inner child let me know she was never allowed to express anger, and so now I am letting it out of this body. It feels powerful and scary at first, like vomit, and then once released, I feel relieved and softer

Amazing, yes, when we we allow ourself to not be that what we "should be" , this is freedom, this is end of the old conditionings and patterns called me/persona. Yes the sistem is so intelligent and knows very well how to release them how to be free from them.
This allowing is a freedom.

I notice I am not choosing these feelings and thoughts, they are just coming through. I cannot control these thoughts, they just happen, and have no steering on reality. They just appear and then they are finished. These thoughts and emotions do not control or change anything that is happening around me. They just change the way I feel in the moments, and I am understanding that the change/control they have over my life and happenings isn't real. What I am experiencing is real, and I want to just keep experiencing.

This is priceless to see.
The thoughts and emotions that constantly explain that there is something wrong with us, that we are wrong, that we don't deserve something, that we are not free, that we have to close ourselves off to survive ARE NOT TRUE.
Life is free and takes care of itself.
Life wants to serve us and give us everything that makes us happy and gives us pleasure.

Thank you for your willingness to attend our meetings.
I sent you an email.

Much love,
Lubo

[Lubo]

Hi dear Elise,

Let's continue.
What is coming when you read my last reply or from the retreat, what you see, what is here?

So much love to you,
Lubo

[SkwerlGirl]

Good morning Lubo,

I enjoyed the retreat, and felt seen.

I am feeling free from many thoughts, but still have some obsessive looping thoughts. I know I want predictability and control, particularly of the future, despite knowing how unreal that is. I am investigating where these wounds and frantic feelings come from, and the clinging to protection that I seem to crave.

At this point I can see the self having these feelings, and can breathe and have moments of clarity and peace, and then they come back. I know my struggle is from the wound I am still healing, losing my partner and having great confusion from this loss. I am grateful however for the creation of investigation it has allowed, and all the things I am experiencing now.

I am feeling very unsure about how to be still, and calm, in the pain and unknown direction I’m in. I feel safe, yet also like I have no direction, I am just going through the motions of life sometimes.

How do I continue with this paradox? Feeling emotions that are painful, feeling this deep loss and sadness - I have moments of quiet and then I swing back into this feeling of despair. Time and practice of course will help, this I know. But the cycles of emotional pain right now are so hard. Most of the time I go from numb to peace to numb.

I thank you for your heart and guidance. I look forward to more retreats!

Xoxo
Elise

[Lubo]

Hi dear Elise,

Nice to hear you.

Look this one.

...but still have some obsessive looping thoughts. I know I want predictability and control, particularly of the future,...

Write somewhere - what you are - check feelings and thought's story and write what character these two create?
Please do it literally.


Then experience fully the drama of this character and notice does it exist apart from the story and feelings?
Look is there evidence that hands, face, eyes, colours around, sounds around are aware of the experience of this drama character?
:) What is found?
Notice that thoughts are part of it here, but can they create a true personality?

At this point I can see the self having these feelings, and can breathe and have moments of clarity and peace, and then they come back

I see. Thoughts and feelings will soften just notice that thoughts are happening effortless, by themselves?
They are already not personal event, notice that their nature is divine nature?
Emotions - the same?
Breathing - is that artificial event created by persona or the nature of breathing is divine also? Effortless? right now?
Notice that love to everything ? Is it a personal love or divine?
Knowing of all that is also effortless, also divine...this is it,
is there something artificial here? personal? but not how divinity appear right now in this very moment?

Much love,
Lubo

[SkwerlGirl]

Good afternoon dear Lubo,

My feelings: worries, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid.
My story about this: can we repair? What happened to cause this rupture of relationship? Am I not good enough for him?

The character that feelings and story create are of a clingy, anxious persona, controlling and tight. The character does not exist separate of the story or emotions, it is created by and creator of it. No evidence that anything in the world is aware of this character. It is not a true personality that can be connected to.

Thoughts are happening, and float through me. I’m repeating during the thoughts that they are temporary and not real, and not personal, no judgement. Sometimes easier than other times!

Emotions feel like they spring up from spirit, I have zero control, and just feel them when they come up. Effortlessly happening, yes like breathing effortlessly happens.

My persona, my artificial character gets in the way of the the divine. I think I take my persona personally!

Xo Elise

[Lubo]

Hi dear Elise,
I like the way you are seeing everything!
Let's start from the end:

I think I take my persona personally!

Notice that you found that there is no persona but
these sensation/emotions:

worries, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid.

and this story:

My story about this: can we repair? What happened to cause this rupture of relationship? Am I not good enough for him?

Are you with me? Can you see that there is nothing personal but story+emotions?
And because there is no persona and never was the owner of all that doesn't have a name, you/ nobody/god

Stay with that.
Then notice again story and emotions - no need to named with Elise's emotions and story but to see which of them you are enjoing and you want to be hre and wich of them you can allow to be felt and disappear?

Notice is it safety these emotions to be felt? - Check, look arund is it safety fear to be here? :)

After that notice how much more ways you have to enjoy this beauty here, infinite potential - not only worries, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid - these are optional.
And again notice is there persona or everything which is here is not personal event like a breath?

Much love,
Lubo