Ready to cross the Gateless Gate

[JonB]

Do you still feel there is a thinker?

When I really look. When I’m quiet and still, and truly inquire, I cannot find the thinker.

Then the momentum of thought and what feels like a Gordian knot of identity seems to take hold as I go about the day.

It’s sort of going back and forth. Long periods of identifying with a self, then periods of pure alert awareness. Then periods of looking for the thinker and not finding anything, yet continuing being absorbed in thought as if it’s truer than anything.

[indranet]

Jon,

When I’m quiet and still, and truly inquire, I cannot find the thinker.

This is good.

Gordian knot of identity

Is it really that impenetrable?

Long periods of identifying with a self, then periods of pure alert awareness.

Does the awareness ever change ? or is is recognized by its unchanging nature?



Does the self that you identify with stay the same ?

[JonB]

Is it really that impenetrable?

lol no. I can immediately see this. And it seems that upon dissolving the keystone of “I/me/mine” the whole structure will collapse. Or perhaps that’s not a direct enough response…it seems more like this: looking shows that none of my thoughts can find a thinker. Awareness can’t find a thinker. In spite of however complicated the thought structure may seem.

Does the awareness ever change ? or is is recognized by its unchanging nature?

This is challenging to answer. Awareness seems to be a constant….though I find it challenging to truly, truly see this. It feels like more of an intuitive inkling, rather than something that feels like it’s been undoubtedly experienced.
Is it recognized by its unchanging nature? It feels like I’m very close to recognizing this…but there’s some kind of invisible barrier preventing that.

Does the self that you identify with stay the same ?

No. It’s changing all the time. Knowing my values, goals and aspirations lends stability to the underlying thought structure, but it’s still ever changing. Along with the emotions, sensations and sensory experiences.

Thank you J.P. 🙏🏻

[indranet]

Jon,

But I’m noticing a sense of expansiveness in awareness.

I assume this is real.

It feels like more of an intuitive inkling, rather than something that feels like it’s been undoubtedly experienced.

Don't doubt the reality of your experience.


This awareness can be subtle at first and is easily overlooked or dismissed.

Trust your own discoveries.

It feels like I’m very close to recognizing this…but there’s some kind of invisible barrier preventing that.

This is just a mind F***

[JonB]

Don't doubt the reality of your experience.
This awareness can be subtle at first and is easily overlooked or dismissed.
Trust your own discoveries.

Thank you for that pointer, J.P.

The discoveries seem to point to life "lifing." The ever changing nature of everything...as life it seems to just carry on without any need for a thinking mind. The trees grow, the wind blows, the birds fly in flocks of one-mindedness. It all just carries on.

And here are my thoughts, ever seeking to make sense of it all. To understand patterns, to piece things together, to justify my feelings, to defend my beliefs and opinions.

It seems like more and more, moments of silent awareness automatically fall over me. The periods of unconscious thinking seem to be getting shorter. But thought's creep in right in front of my face and steal my attention away.

And I can't help but notice myself anticipating some sort of breakthrough. Bracing for fireworks or some kind of smack-in-the-face shift of awareness.

My dad has been very sick lately. He's 79 and battling some serious health conditions. There is fear of loss. There is grief. There is anger. And there is also grace, peace, and the gratitude of getting to look after him and ease his suffering. I practice sitting with it all, and letting it in. It all seems to be...to just be. Neither good nor bad. It's life being life. All part of this...just this.

I really don't know what to do here. Your suggestion to ease off and relax a bit lands well in my heart. Still confusion persists...

[indranet]

Jon,

The discoveries seem to point to life "lifing."

Yes, that's right.

It all just carries on

. ( including you)

Can you find a doer?

And here are my thoughts, ever seeking to make sense of it all. To understand patterns, to piece things together, to justify my feelings, to defend my beliefs and opinions.

Your thoughts will always do that

Is there a thinker?

But thought's creep in right in front of my face and steal my attention away.

That's ok, let them come and go in their own time.

And I can't help but notice myself anticipating some sort of breakthrough. Bracing for fireworks or some kind of smack-in-the-face shift of awareness.

Looking and seeing are more important than fireworks.

My dad has been very sick lately.

I'm sorry to hear that, none of this work should shield you from normal human emotions, In fact you are likely to feel more deeply.

I really don't know what to do here

Really there is nothing to do, except be yourself. keep looking into your experience, again and again is there an I to be found?

Still confusion persists..

I feel that your only confusion is wanting thought to stop intruding into your silent awareness.


Try greeting those thoughts as old friends who are constant companions. They are not your enemy,


J.P

[JonB]

Can you find a doer?

Nope. Nowhere to be found.

Is there a thinker?

Negative. Only the thought process that perpetuates a self referencing narrative. This seems to connect to a sense of doership—a sense of seeking—that seems to have characterized most of my waking experiences until recently.

Last week I had a cold. I bring this up because I noticed that when I get sick (a bad cold or the flu) the intuitive response is to relax into it, sleep, and trust the healing process. And interestingly, it fills me with a sense of relief from having to “do.” It’s permission to just be, without having to feel guilty for not being productive. After a few days of just being, it seems to alter my awareness. There’s a vividness to life. Music sounds better, colours look more vibrant, smells trigger a stronger emotional tone. It feels like a lesson in waking up to what is. Slow down and just be; relax.

So I appreciate your suggestion to relax, to let thoughts arrive, and to greet them like constant companions.

So i am opening the aperture of experience. Allowing thoughts to be there just like everything else. And letting myself off the hook from having to always be doing.

[indranet]

Jon,

a sense of seeking—that seems to have characterized most of my waking experiences until recently.

Are you still seeking?

[JonB]

The seeking has lessened, yet I still feel threads of it.

Experience still feels like subject-object. Yet there are these nanosecond glimmers of unity…just at the fringes of perception. It feels very close…like a word that you’re trying to remember that’s at the tip of your tongue.

Thank you for your patience J.P.

[indranet]

Jon,

I want you to shift gears a bit, forget about awareness for now.

Please work through these exercises.

Decisions, Choices & Control Exercises Palm Flipping Exercise
1. Hold a hand in front of you; palm turned down.
2. Now turn the palm up. And down...and up and so on.
Watch like a hawk.
Don't go to thoughts – examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:-
How is the movement controlled?
Does a thought control it?
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
How is the decision made to turn the hand over? Track any decision point when a thought MADE THE DECISION to turn the hand over and the hand turns over immediately.
Who or what​ ​chose which hand - the left or right hand for the exercise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is choosing when to turn the palm up or down?
Raising Hand Exercise
1. Place both hands on a table in front of you, palms down.
2. When you have done that, rest for a moment and then raise one hand in the air but not the other.
Don't go to thoughts, examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:-
What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing? What is it that is controlling the hand?
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?
Stream Exercise
Imagine for a moment a scene, one of a little mountain stream which is tumbling down a hillside gully, not far from its source. It has been raining and so the level is quite high. Consider in your mind's eye, if you can, how it flows to the right over a little rock (where, had the level been lower, it would probably have gone around the rock), then the flow goes to the left over a tree bow, and then slows a little in a broader place, before splashing over a small cascade into a pool, and so on down the mountain side. Does it choose any of its directions? Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in it, the rocks, the depressions in the ground etc? Is it even the same entity moment by moment, or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

1. Can you find anywhere where 'insert name' autonomously intervenes into life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?
2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are colour preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look hip and cool for that person!) etc. Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life? Can you find someone somewhere?
3. Can anything be found for which 'insert name' is responsible – if so responsible to what and for what?

[JonB]

Thank you, J.P.
I will do the exercises. Perhaps I will take a bit of extra time - a day or two - and then get back to you.
To say I’m grateful for your time and attention is an understatement, but thank you.
Talk to you soon

[JonB]

Hi J.P.,
I will start by answering this first exercise:

Decisions, Choices & Control Exercises Palm Flipping Exercise
1. Hold a hand in front of you; palm turned down.
2. Now turn the palm up. And down...and up and so on.
Watch like a hawk.
How is the movement controlled?

Movement seems to be controlled by a flow of life that my mind is very quick to label and claim a sense of doer-ship over. It appears that movement is not controlled at all...by anything. It's just happening right in front of my face and looking for a controller seems to have really thrown a wrench in my mind.

Does a thought control it?

No. Thoughts enter the picture afterwards. There was reading of the instructions, and there was movement of my hand afterwards, but thoughts never caused the movement. It seems that they merely narrate the actions a nano second after they occur.

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?

No. And this is a strange realization, because thoughts are trying to understand this, and thoughts are never satisfied with not being able to know or understand. My thoughts feel like they're trying to get to the bottom of the conundrum of what's making my hand move, and the pattern is that my mind seeks distraction to avoid the discomfort of not conceptually understanding. But every time I return to the question there is nothing to be found.

How is the decision made to turn the hand over?

I really don't know. I just don't get it. The hand just turns over. It feels like there's some sort of generalized volition of personal will that make that happen, but when I look, I can't find it. The hand just moves.

Who or what​ ​chose which hand - the left or right hand for the exercise?

I have no friggin clue. The right hand was chosen with no consideration...it just rose on its own.

Can you find a separate individual or anything that is choosing when to turn the palm up or down?

I can't find anything. Just more thoughts. More thoughts trying to understand. Other thoughts distracting away from the moment. And they can be there. There seems to be more perspective over the thoughts.

Thank you for your patience with my delayed response here, J.P.

My dad's condition has worsened over the past week and that has taken up most of my attention. We were told today that it's terminal, and there may not be that much time. So I have been sitting with him, holding his hand, telling him everything I've needed to tell him. And there are these moments of profound peace, and pure presence, and poised stillness. It has been difficult, yet it has also been beautiful.

I will continue answering the remaining questions in my next response.

[indranet]

Jon,

Take all the time you need, you can reply in a week or a month if that is what it takes.
So sorry about your Dad. I lost someone very close to me last year. If you accept all the grief and pain unconditionally you can find a place of peace that is beautiful and untouched . It sounds like you are already experiencing some of that.

Warmly,
J.P

[JonB]

Hi again J.P.,
It’s been a while, but I’m back and ready to take another crack at this.
A lot has happened since we last communicated. My dad passed away peacefully on April 15 with my family and I by his side. I was holding his hand. It was the most indescribable experience of my life. I was fully present with him and I know I did everything in my power to ease his suffering, and that had granted me a sense of deep inner peace and renewed strength.
In moments of stillness and silence I feel like he’s there…in everything. It feels like wherever he is, is in that realm beyond thought, the non-dual, the ineffable…whatever label you want to give it.
It still feels like there’s a “me” experiencing life. Even though I understand intellectually that there isn’t. How the hell it works that way, I really don’t understand. But I’m back to dispel that illusion.
Lots of gratitude your way.

[indranet]

Dear Jon,

I am so glad to hear how you were able to be fully present with your dad during his passing.

It still feels like there’s a “me” experiencing life. Even though I understand intellectually that there isn’t. How the hell it works that way, I really don’t understand. But I’m back to dispel that illusion.

That sense of " me" is baked into our biology, I don't think it goes away. I think that your relationship to the thought stream is more important. If you can live your life without avoidance or grasping you are free. It sounds like you were able to experience that during your dad's passing. How has it been since then?

J.P