Some guidance would be much appreciated. Thanks!

[MerlinC]

Who would identify as thoughts?

[01Brianna]

Well that is exactly the problem. When there is awareness of thoughts there is just awareness happening and thoughts happening. But when there is no awareness of thoughts, but they are happening, I believe I am the thoughts, or at least that I’m thinking them, even though I know that’s not the case.

[MerlinC]

Just watch your mind, watch it say those things, really watching the mind is like watching a movie, when your fully invested you think its real, we cry we laugh but its just a movie thoughts are like that. But we just have to see that we are watching and time and again you will keep slipping into your thoughts and play a roll but its just emotions thats what gets us, have you ever been mad before where you had to just act like it didnt bother you? Their was an awareness in that decision other wise you would have just went nuts without thinking about it, you have to sollow your pride well were kinda doing that with everything here not just anger. Take 10 min to look at the room your in, watch your mind light up over everything you gaze at, tell me how it goes.

[01Brianna]

Thanks.

Yes, it seems impossible to be aware of awareness of the visual field, in fact there isn’t even awareness of what is seen, the thoughts just go in all directions. Would it be useful to practice this regularly?

[MerlinC]

Any amount of watching thought is good, it may seem crazy in their but staying with thought is the act of being present. But it takes a willingness to feel that turbulence. When you feel you lost being present, how would you know that? Do you fall asleep? Or are you still there just with a ton on your mind. Watch closely through your day.

[01Brianna]

Thanks.

I only know I’ve been lost in thought afterwards, ie when there is awareness again. Then I feel frustrated at how long the thoughts have just been doing their own thing for. Of course awareness is still here all the time (I’m not sure about when I’m asleep), but there is no awareness of awareness.

The easiest way to stop this happening (or to reduce it at least) is to close my eyes, because it seems to be the visual field that I have most difficulty with. But I can’t walk around with my eyes closed 🤣

[MerlinC]

We still have awareness when we walk around its just the noticing of it we have to remember, its a thing that deepens in time as we feel our inner life more and more and we awake to the mind. that frustration, try to be with it, don't change it just watch it as it claims that you disappeared and now your back, come back to me with what is says.

[01Brianna]

The frustration says:
‘You’re completely stuck. You’ll never be able to remember more than this. This is just one more thing you’ve failed at. You know you never get what you want, and this is all you want now, so… forget it!’

I am in therapy by the way 🤣. These are my underlying beliefs about life, relative and historical life included. I’ve learned to live with these beliefs, but not to find a way to get rid of them. I know they’re not true and where they came from, but they are like self-fulfilling prophesies that continue to play out in my life.

[MerlinC]

We have to deplete those energys by feeling them fully. Their are storys about how to fix the thoughts what should have went right what went wrong but it all communicates hurt. Close your eyes and be there just watch the tornado in you, you have to be there for that hurt can you let it wash over you? It bangs on your door to be let in for a reason.

[01Brianna]

I don’t know how to reply to your last message. I’ve been sitting with the hurt and the frustration as much as I can. I’ve started having what seem to be lucid dreams, although I can’t remember the content very clearly. They’re about incidents from my memory of childhood, and where I was being treated badly and feeling hurt and fear and shame and anger but there was nobody there to help, and I was able to consciously step in and comfort myself and change the outcome of the scenario.

[MerlinC]

I call them visions personally sometimes it feels as if the images come to me. keep facing thou make a time to stop and feel when you can its important to unbottle things in us. did you do it today? have you had thoughts take away the silence from you today?

[01Brianna]

Yes, I’m making a point of noticing my feelings (bodily sensations which I could label with names of emotions) numerous times every day and staying with them for as long as possible. There are a lot of feelings coming up now, anger, frustration, grief, sadness. Slightly different to the usual fear and shame I’m used to finding. There are thoughts and stories about these, but I’m not taking too much notice of them. Yes, throughout the day there are times when I’m lost in thought about some nonsense, stories from the past or rehearsing for the future. It just happens and I only notice when I become present again. I wish I could always be present, but I’m just not.

[MerlinC]

Your doing good so watch how thoughts come back, the feeling implys you were there just not worrying if you were or not. Then your like damn Im back and you notice that aswell is there anytime then youre not being aware? Even with those contrasting emotions?

[01Brianna]

I’m not sure if I understand your question… in one sense I’m always aware, but sometimes I’m not noticing that I’m aware or I could say, not consciously aware. I’m definitely aware when I’m feeling my emotions… I can’t actually feel them when I’m not aware, even though they’re still happening. The same as seeing is always happening but I’m not always aware of it.

[MerlinC]

So not conscientiously aware but you are aware because feeling is still happening, that is normal in the beginning. Adyashanti calls that the ''got it I lossed it'' but as you feel intentionally indentication loosens with thought. The very fact of me and you talking about the nature of thought means we are conscience so it could be worse you could be trapped in reactivity if you ever seen a crazy person yelling at what others deem as trivial they are so deep asleep that they are replaying pains over and over in anycase this type of person needed to stop and look, I feel on porpose everyday, And everyday hard emotions fall away. The zig zag of the mind becomes less and less. But we are coming out of a very deep sleep ourselves. How was your day today? Try to find time by yourself and closing your eyes remember something that annoyed you like an argument with a loved one something dumb that you yourself think you should let that go, feel were that feeling is in the body. Stay with it by placing your hand over the spot. If its not a spot and its all over just feel that. Let it in completely. Tell me how it goes.