The Gate

Hello Antika,
Aways a pleasure hearing back from you. I look forward to it. Yes, Some habits are hard to break.

So, tell me, in direct experience (refer the green list from the Apple exercise), where is this sense of self? Is it a sensation?

-Seeing (shape + colour)--------------------I can not see the self and yet I attribute seeing to it.
- Hearing (the munch and crunch)--------I can not hear the self and yet I attribute hearing to it
- Smelling (the fragrance)------------------I can not taste the self and yet I attribute smelling to it
- Tasting (sensations following eating)---I can not taste the self and yet I attribute tasting to it
- Sensing (touching)-------------------------I can not touch the self and yet I attribute touching to it
- Thoughts arising----------------------------I can have thoughts of self but the content cant be the self

From the standpoint of Direct experience it can not therefore exist. However I see how all senses are attributed to this supposed entity. I can see why thoughts of self would not only be present but overwhelm the possibility of experiencing life on its own terms. If self exists only as a thought and thoughts can be witnessed I can see where the pure witnessing obscures itself and takes itself to be that which it is not. My that seems to be much clearer to me. And no wonder why.
Am I seeing this clearly can this sight be forever retained? I'm a bit hesitant to say more. look forward to hearing back of course.

With Love and much Gratitude--Delphi

Hi Delphi,

Let us explore if an entity is needed to attribute senses to.
As a rule: NO intellectualizing, ONLY narrate Direct Experience.
The less wordy we are, the better.

This exercise is broken into 10 minute lots. For each 10 minute period pay attention to any bodily sensation, i.e. is there any tightening, or any relaxation?

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”.
For example: I am sitting on a chair,
I am hearing a clock ticking,
I am looking at a computer screen,
I am feeling hungry.
Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just a plain description of your experience right here and now.

Then for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this time without using the word “I”. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs.
For example: sitting on a chair,
typing,
breathing,
blinking,
hearing the clock.
(Again, watch what is happening in the body.)

At the end of the twenty minutes compare the two ways in which the experience was labelled and answer the following four questions:

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?
2. What is here without labels?
3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

I look forward to hearing from you,
Ankita

Good morning/evening Antika,

Thank you for guidance and patience.

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”.

I am listening to two different clocks ticking
I feel my back on the chair
I hear my wife talking to our dog
I am looking at the snow falling
I hear ringing in my ears
I feel the moisture in my mouth
I see the edge of my eyeglasses
I hear the pouring of water
I am looking at the computer screen
I am sipping coffee

As you know I can go on for hours.

Then for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this time without using the word “I”. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs.

Hearing the clocks
Tasting the biscuit
Breathing in
Breathing out
Sipping coffee
Watching branches moving
Hearing the wind
Seeing the bookcase
Looking at the dog
Smiling
Hearing the birds

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?

I have to say being a life long photographer enthusiast and artist I am and have always been sensitive to my surroundings
and feel and sense them so to have to use the word "I" before an experience seems odd and contracting . My Direct experience without the "I" is truer .

2. What is here without labels?

Just direct and unfiltered experience

3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?

They describe and effect it enormously. The experience loses its intimacy

4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

Absolutely. In direct experience without refering to myself there is immediacy and ease when I refer to myself the intimacy is lost and a sense of contraction is felt.


Antika--I will need your guidance on this. I have always felt an immersion of experience all my life where I do not exist so to speak. However when an experience is psychologically triggering , a sense of self rushes in although much less an occurrence of late. When it does of late however it seems so much stronger in contrast to my usual sense of peace. I have been much more obviously aware of this and is why I am here. I no longer spend an inordinate amount of time in that disturbed state and more make room for it and let it just be. I certainly reread my past answers to your questions and understand their intellectual content but my life is experienced on many levels. I sometimes feel that many people want to deny the self because they don't want to deal honestly with their trauma or pain. I don't want to do this here.

With Love and Gratitude--Delphi

Dear Delphi,

I do not take your beautiful words lightly. Your warmth, sincerity and openness is well received and welcome. The intention is never to dismiss the depth of your expression and experience. I really do hear you, and can relate to you.

It is however important that you see the necessity of the "Zen stick": we can either grasp at the same old stories, or we can perceive differently. We need stillness. Sometimes, the shock of rejecting the temptation to engage with old stories becomes the passage to clear seeing.

My goal is to walk you through the Gate, and there are some things that must be kept aside for just a little while to do that. ❤️ Pointers work best when we report exactly & precisely what we SEE, unadulterated by thought content.

When it does of late however it seems so much stronger in contrast to my usual sense of peace. I have been much more obviously aware of this and is why I am here.

I understand.

I certainly reread my past answers to your questions and understand their intellectual content but my life is experienced on many levels. I sometimes feel that many people want to deny the self because they don't want to deal honestly with their trauma or pain. I don't want to do this here.

Yes. Indeed it is not uncommon to come across denial of self rooted in the premise that one is sick of living with the self, and not on having SEEN the absence of self.
"Level confusion" is a term that might be helpful. Right now, we are focused on the absolute level. On a relative level, pain holds meaning, and we will learn from it and integrate it.


Great LOOKING on the exercise!

In direct experience without refering to myself there is immediacy and ease when I refer to myself the intimacy is lost and a sense of contraction is felt.

Wonderful. The sense of contraction you feel is the "lie feeling".

Lets get more familiar with it:

Here is how to distinguish truth from lies.

We often lie every day & don't realize it.

For example, the grocery clerk asks, "How are you?" You reply, "I'm fine." While, yes, there is a sense in which we are always fine, even in the middle of suffering, but at that moment, lets say you were grieving the death of your dog, you had a slight sore throat & you had a headache, but you didn't feel like sharing all of that with the grocery clerk, so you lied, "I'm fine."

Also, it matters none at all how "distant" the remembered lie is. Besides the fact that time itself is fictional, a kind of lie, as we recall the lie it becomes present in this moment, as if it were happening now. This brings the body sensation that accompanies lying.

Lies can be intentional or unintentional, conscious or unconscious, even so automatic that we ourselves are fooled.

The story of a separate "self" is a lie.

This is the lie you came here to see through. Therefore, it is helpful to notice the body sensation of lying as one of the tools for finding the truth of no self.

You want to be in touch with body sensations & able to clearly express them in words. This will help.

Lies are usually felt in the heart or solar plexus as a contraction that we may label as tight, heavy or tense.

In contrast, truth is usually expansive. We may call it loose, light or relaxed.

First, can you remember a time when you lied to someone you loved?

Here we count anything, lies we think of as "big" or "small" that "matter" or don't "matter."

How are you? I'm fine. No, your knee hurts, but you don't feel like discussing it with the grocery clerk.

It's a lie. A seemingly "bigger" one will work better for this exercise.

Find the lie. I don't need the whole story, just a few key words to refer to it.

Then scan your body for any Sensation (DE or Direct Experience), particularly in the gut or maybe the heart. Check very closely.

What is found?

If you think the memory you used wasn't clear enough, find another one or lie to yourself right now, make something up.

1 + 1 = 14 is a lie.

I love eating worms is (probably) a lie.

Or call up a video of a lying politician & notice what sensations arise as you listen.

Here's a clue: it is not the sensation you felt when you omitted the "I" in the previous exercise.

Please report back with what body sensations (not interpretations) you feel. Bodies can feel hot or cold, heavy or light, contraction or expansion, etc.

"Peaceful" is an interpretation of a body sensation, not the sensation itself, for example.

Do you see that?

Loving,
Ankita

Dear Ankita , not Antika and certainly not Attica (my dog's name) Sorry for the dyslexic episode in my last post.
As they say: "Dyslexics of the world Untie!!"
Humor seems to be the Universe's way of telling the self to wake up and smell the roses. And for God's sake stop believing the lie. Firstly when I didn't receive your message in the "expected" time my mind thought maybe she just gave up. "This guy couldn't find the Gate let alone go through it if a flock of sheep were leading him to it" In short the mind did what it does-search for whatever it can find to wrap itself around then not only store the lie but store it somewhere in the body. "You know you may be the dumbest ass in the world". Clench teeth, furrow brow, crunch stomach, pound chest, stiffen neck, salivate (for the masochists among us) punch guy out. In short a lie (mostly) reacted to from a lie to a lie. Although that wasn't a very nice thing to say.
OK the gauntlet has been throw let the lying begin but before I do I want to thank you for your obvious care and the time you have taken not only to see the truth in me but also to gently nudge out the lies. (Not a lie, mind/body quiet, lips turned upward at the edges, heart and stomach open and relaxed.)
OK here goes:
"I love eating worms" --lack of tension through my body--unified sense of energy breathing and heart rate slow (Oh shit I'm in trouble) Nah --tightness in throat and a sense feeling behind the eyes.
"I love you too" (Not to my wife and a while ago): Breath held tightness in chest and throat, strong sensation behind the eyes. Heart beating faster.
"No, I don't care what people think about me": Tightness in stomach and throat ,holding of breath,, squinching of the eyes and furrowing of the brow.
I have become very familiar with my body reactions nowadays and make a point of noticing them when present enough to do so. Understanding their origins and their resultant manifestations is not always readily available. After the sometimes unfortunate or moreso now fortunate occurence I can see with great clarity that "I" truly had no choice in the matter. They were remnants of the past of a need for a self to protect me from a truly non life threatening event. The physical and emotion suffering seen in the rear view mirror is tragic yet comical as well. In other words they are seen for what they truly are, vain attempts to create an imaginary existence whilst turning a blind eye for the obvious one that has always been here. Life is sure a lot more fun when you can see yourself as some farcical Hamlet in tights prancing around the stage with a pineapple tied to the top of his head. "Alas poor Yorick I had no idea who the hell you were"
All along though physical reactions to events are just there most often benign but at times malignant and threatening to end life as we know it. That imagined malignancy pervades all of humanity and can either be allowed to spread or go into permanent remission by shining the light of truth upon it. You are certainly helping point that beam my dear Ankita. The words "Nothing Real can be threatened nothing Unreal exists " is now not only words on a page but a felt sense. No lie.
Right now I am sitting in my Den, relaxing and smiling and about to go on a beautiful hike with my wife and my dog Attica-it is always an adventure and so very life affirming. The self has nothing to do with that and never has.
With Love and Gratitude--Delphi

Hello Delphi,

Dear Ankita , not Antika and certainly not Attica (my dog's name) Sorry for the dyslexic episode in my last post.
As they say: "Dyslexics of the world Untie!!"

❤️

I believe you understand how to see truth and lies.

Moving forward, lets explore thoughts:

Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.
Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.
Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment
instead?
Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

As always, remember to answer each question individually, even if they feel repetitive.

Loving,
Ankita

Hello Ankita,

Let's start:

Where are they coming from and going to?

I have no idea where my thoughts either come from or go to. They appear and disappear on their own.

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

There is nothing I do to make a particular thought appear.

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment
instead?

There is nothing I can do to make a particular thought appear at an exact moment

Can you predict your next thought?

I can not predict my next thought.

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

There is no way I can select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant ones.

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?

I can not choose to not have painful. negative or fearful thoughts.

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

I can not choose any kind of thought.

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

There is no way I can prevent a thought from appearing.

Carpe Diem

With Love and Gratitude--Delphi

Hi Delphi,

How straight-forward! Good LOOKING :)

Here's today's exercise. It's called ButtChair:
Sit on a chair and close your eyes. Are there two sensations – one of you bum and one of the chair, or just one sensation labelled “bum on a chair” or just “chair”? Where is the line that separates the sensation from the chair? Is the sensation separate from sensing? LOOK closely and with curiosity each of these questions.

Loving,
Ankita

Good Day Ankita,

Butt in chair and aware,

Sit on a chair and close your eyes. Are there two sensations – one of you bum and one of the chair, or just one sensation labelled “bum on a chair” or just “chair”? Where is the line that separates the sensation from the chair? Is the sensation separate from sensing? LOOK closely and with curiosity each of these questions.

Without thought of describing from memory anything in regards to butt in this chair all there is sensation no defining line that on one side is chair and the other butt. Sensation and sense are one.

As always with Love and Gratitude--Delphi

Hi Delphi,

Amazing :)

Before we move on to other exercises, please tell me: when does selfing happen the most for you?

Can you say with 100% confidence that there is no self, never was, never will be?

Do you have any burning questions?

Loving,
Ankita

Hello again Ankita,

when does selfing happen the most for you?

Selfing happens whenever a significant enough stimulus makes itself known. The stimulus is met with an energetic contraction in the body and is usually associated with or followed by a stream of thoughts. The reverse happens as well where a thought of a past or future distressing event can stimulate a physical sensation. Depending on whether it is anger or fear or loneliness or whatever is sufficient enough the contraction may be felt in the heart or the stomach or even between the eyes or other parts of the body. At that point the I or me needs to escape the undesirable feeling or imagine itself differently. That is my direct experience. When does it happen most? Hard to say but lets assuredly use a direct verbal attack that a I feel a need to defend myself.Or a past event that threatens my idealized sense of who I pretend or want to be. Sometimes it is a recalling of past events that I may feel guilt or tell me that I have failed, fallen short, not good enough, not smart enough or kind enough or whatever it may be. In all cases I cannot rest in that evaluation as I see clearly that they involve memory or just mindless reactions. That has become clear to me. I know the self I believe at times to be doesn't exist and yet I rely on it and it's memories to carry out whatever tasks are at hand or need to be done. Often as I have mentioned before there is a relaxation in my body, a lightness and joy and awe I feel. I keep most my attention inward during the course of my day. Where once I questioned whether I was doing it right as far as just existing that has not been the norm for a while. That said I am surprised at times when I lose that connection and what I would call a mindless panic may intrude. Heart may race my energy changes body will tense and seeing is replaced by blindness so to speak. Doesn't last that long any more. But it does happen. Diversions I once had or needed have slowly and effortlessly drifted away and yet those triggers are there. I see them more often now as just what they are and give space if that makes sense. Sorry for going so long but I don't see just one selfing criteria. I know when it happens and now see more as selfing doing what it does.

Can you say with 100% confidence that there is no self, never was, never will be?

I can say with 100 percent confidence that there is no self and never was and never will be. And yet something wants to hold on as evidenced by the ignorance of the suffering that still can obscure my inner certainty.

Do you have any burning questions?

Absolutely--is there anyone really out there that can with all honesty be one and done with this selfing? Or are just some of us reached a better understanding and at least know the beauty of what we truly are more often than not?

Thank you for your understanding and patience--Delphi

Hi Delphi,

Selfing happens whenever a significant enough stimulus makes itself known. The stimulus is met with an energetic contraction in the body and is usually associated with or followed by a stream of thoughts. The reverse happens as well where a thought of a past or future distressing event can stimulate a physical sensation. Depending on whether it is anger or fear or loneliness or whatever is sufficient enough the contraction may be felt in the heart or the stomach or even between the eyes or other parts of the body. At that point the I or me needs to escape the undesirable feeling or imagine itself differently. That is my direct experience. When does it happen most? Hard to say but lets assuredly use a direct verbal attack that a I feel a need to defend myself.Or a past event that threatens my idealized sense of who I pretend or want to be. Sometimes it is a recalling of past events that I may feel guilt or tell me that I have failed, fallen short, not good enough, not smart enough or kind enough or whatever it may be. In all cases I cannot rest in that evaluation as I see clearly that they involve memory or just mindless reactions. That has become clear to me. I know the self I believe at times to be doesn't exist and yet I rely on it and it's memories to carry out whatever tasks are at hand or need to be done. Often as I have mentioned before there is a relaxation in my body, a lightness and joy and awe I feel. I keep most my attention inward during the course of my day. Where once I questioned whether I was doing it right as far as just existing that has not been the norm for a while. That said I am surprised at times when I lose that connection and what I would call a mindless panic may intrude. Heart may race my energy changes body will tense and seeing is replaced by blindness so to speak. Doesn't last that long any more. But it does happen. Diversions I once had or needed have slowly and effortlessly drifted away and yet those triggers are there. I see them more often now as just what they are and give space if that makes sense. Sorry for going so long but I don't see just one selfing criteria. I know when it happens and now see more as selfing doing what it does.

Understood ❤️ Thank you for your openness.

You have expressed before that you see the lack of control, but for confidence and clarity:

Can you choose the next emotion, mind state, attitude that will arise?

Sit and look at what is happening. Can you find any choice - point where you willingly chose any emotion that appeared in response to a stimulus?

Can you see that even the most aggressively "selfing" behaviour is not done by a self?

is there anyone really out there that can with all honesty be one and done with this selfing?

Personally, I do not know of anyone who claims anything of this sort. In my experience, the only thing that one gets done with is the seeking... seeking of anything other than what is, seeking the ending of selfing, all of it.

Maybe these will help:
https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUDzrCLlrj4

Resuming checking for gaps... today's exercise is about the sense of self:

Let's explore the SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it.
Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:-
Does the sense of self have a location?
Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?
Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?
If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?
Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?
What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation?
Thought?

Loving,
Ankita

Thank you Ankita for very helpful guidance,

Can you choose the next emotion, mind state, attitude that will arise?

I can not choose the next emotion, mind state or attitude that arises. They are responses but not chosen by me.

Sit and look at what is happening. Can you find any choice - point where you willingly chose any emotion that appeared in response to a stimulus?

There is no willful planning or choice to any emotion that appears in response to a stimulus. They appear in whatever magnitude and frequency or timing as they are meant to appear as at the moment.

Can you see that even the most aggressively "selfing" behaviour is not done by a self?

Yes I can see this. They are automatic responses in varying intensities. But no self that can take credit for them. They appear and disappear in the way they are meant to with no personal reference.

Personally, I do not know of anyone who claims anything of this sort. In my experience, the only thing that one gets done with is the seeking... seeking of anything other than what is, seeking the ending of selfing, all of it.

The videos were very helpful in disarming the thought of a self that must disappear in some required time frame. It gave me a sense of space and a forgiving grace built into this undulating "process" of no sense of self and the ownership the self would like to give especially time in order to perpetuate itself. Very helpful videos along with your own commentary.

Does the sense of self have a location?

There is no direct experience of a self having a specific location whatsoever.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Having no location nor can any shape or size be detected

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

Now that is a more interesting and provocative question. As what has always been communicated by a "sense of self"
has been an amalgam of thoughts of past and future together with bodily sensations, emotions and reactions. Each part never withstanding scrutiny as evidence of self but together trying to make the case that that which doesn't exist individually somehow as an aggragate will overwhelmly make the case for the "self". The strongest illusion possible to cling on to its own survival. Well it is has become extremely clear that is just impossible.

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Seems I just answered that. The self will use anything at its disposal to survive and make its case.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

There are no specific characteristics or attributes that the self has other than a very intricate web of stories and concepts.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation?
Thought?

An image in memory it can say it renders, a sound it calls its own, a taste it claims to have, a smell it it can reflect on as an afterglow, a sensation it claims for itself, and thoughts plenty of thoughts to convince with. None of which it can evoke on its own all that exist independently and can be experience directly without the help of an unlocatable entity.

This has been a very very good exercise in exposing what is true and what is not.

With a great deal of Love and Gratitude--Delphi

Hi Delphi,

This is great.
From the very start, you have been soaking in clear seeing. What is it that you doubt?

If it is the selfing that you are waiting for to cease, please tell me:

Is selfing a problem? To who?

If and when the selfing ends, who would have made it to end? Can you make that happen?

What is unacceptable about selfing?

Is there an expectation of fireworks after having passed the Gate by any chance? Who holds that expectation?

Always love to hear from you,
Ankita

Hello and Greetings Ankita,

From the very start, you have been soaking in clear seeing. What is it that you doubt?

Doubt can only exist if there is no clarity. I see now that doubt was the result of not allowing the thought of doubt to exist. Seeing doubt as just another idea that allows the self to still filter my experience of life. One thing is to allow for doubt as one allows for a memory to come and go it is quite another when one requires of it to be something other than it is and build an altar to its existence as if it is the ultimate protector. If I doubt then "I" can always be vigilant. That vigilance is exhausting and just another story. Doubt is the final gasp of an entity that knows no breath. Bellief in doubt when it comes to the self in particular is for me the final barrier that is shown to be transparent. With doubt fear can still exist and where fear is the illusion of protection is needed. I went a bit on about this because it is the most obvious and persistent inner struggle that I have had along my journey through life. I doubt therefore I am. What an amazing and dangerous ruse.

Is selfing a problem? To who?

Selfing can be no problem when one knows there is no self. It is seen for what it is a habitual response to prop up a house of cards. The collection of which have taken a lifetime and the removal of one resulting in the collapse of the whole. There are still cards strewn on the ground. But there is no one to rebuild them.

If and when the selfing ends, who would have made it to end? Can you make that happen?

Selfing ends when it ends there is no one there to make that happen. The fact that there is no one here already has made selfing or at least its continuity an impossibility . If not now then at another now.

What is unacceptable about selfing?

There is nothing unacceptable about selfing other than the need for further suffering. But then who is there to suffer?

Is there an expectation of fireworks after having passed the Gate by any chance? Who holds that expectation?

The expectation of fireworks are no longer there. When all there is left is the intimacy of what is now and unexplainable the need for celebration is over.

As always with deep Appreciation Love and Gratitude --Delphi