If you're new, you can start here....

[Bill]

Hi Cailin :)

You said: Yes Cailin, the I is not only an imposter, its just another thought in the head, just like any other thought.
And thoughts themselves cannot think.
I say: I agree and this begs the question, who DOES do the thinking? Not the usualy worried perseveration on issues that seem to need to be handled. Insights: In whose mind do they occur so that this figmentory me can then share them?

I put this back to you... Who does the thinking? LOOK. What do you find?
PS: if you see LOOK on here, what we mean is to use all your senses.
stay out of conceptual thinking.
LOOKING is how we can see that the I is not real.
LOOKING comes before the labeling of something as good, bad, indifferent
before any conceptual conclusion.
you could call it pure seeing of what's here right now.
This is what we're going for.

YOU say: Not sure about a 'real' self....sounds like another version of an I.
There's no I that can be found. not now. not yesterday. not tomorrow.
The reason? Its not really there!
Many have read that little koan of Ilona's and actually had a startling discovery.
I say: I agree, I can't find me either but neither can I find "nothing". When I meditate there is definitely still a witness to the nothing. So long as there is some manner of awareness, it's not "nothing".

What if there is just nothing?
what if its been your 'self' you've been looking from all this time?

As for Ilona's gem, I can see why it works for many as it cut thru quite a bit of mind prattle for me as well. Today, I feel much less bothered about all the pointless suffering in life. The "loss" of characters I loved no longer worries/grieves me. "Loss" is no more real that the characters themselves were. Nothing real can be threatened. In fact I had quite the seizure of laughter mixed with crying in the shower last night after I read Ilona's gem. My sad story I was telling my self was ridiculous and I seemed to step out of it. But this happens to me all the time: I'm disidentified with this dream and at peace, and then I lose my wah and become emotionally attached. Then someone else dies. It's as if I am being enured to the visage so I will see thru it. I'm vascillating between perspectives and I am here having this exchange with your gracious presence because I want the frame of reference to stabilize. It's the back and forth that is uncomfortable now, not the dream.
Does this make sense? That NDE only made me much more certain this life is but a dream and that the character that appears as "me" is not real. To function here, I have had to make some weird adjustments that have left me in a borderland, shifting back and forth. Sometimes, things here are so beautiful and vivid, even "sacred". Other times they are all just verbal objects in mind space: props.

Do you see the confusion above? "the character that appears as "me" is not real. To function here, I have had to make some weird adjustments that have left me"
Is there really an I and a me?
Look hard at this one...
Is there two or one or even none?

You said (regarding my nde): Cailin, to me it appeared that way. You wrote quite a bit describing it all the first post.
It appeared dominant. I have been told by a very good source that people who have had NDE do get quite identified with it.
I say: Here is my only issue: Body was dying. I was perfect and changed. I was disoriented and there was someone there to help orient me. I didn't tell you much about it as it contained a lot of revelation. But it was 33 years ago and I have found it "not applicable" to this world, so I have, mostly, left it behind. However, in terms of this discussion, it is presenting one issue to be reconciled. While I was "dead" I still was, but I was not separate from the Being that was there reorienting me. We were one. So I can see where this little personna goes away as a separate point of awareness, but the experience I had was that death unites all consciousness within it. That is, the body appears to be a sort of reducing valve that creates the figment of separate existance. But enough of all that. Let's move in, as you say...

Very nice...I can see its left some amazing insights the rest of us can only really wonder about.

YOU said: So we've looked at thoughts.
you don't own them, they come and go, can't predict them.
We are not in control of them we could say.
I say: Agreed, but we can turn them off, can we not? More and more in meditation, they go away for me.

Maybe turn them off for a short while...
but that's not tanatamount to ultimate control.
Once we get done meditating... the thoughts are back, uncontrolled.

YOU say: Lets look at the body and see if there is an owner or entity controlling it.
Lift up one of your hands. either one.
Move it to the right. Now move it left. Look with your eyes what is happening.
Did a self move the hand?
Or did the hand just move?
Direct observation. Move it again. Check it.
Which is more true, the hand moved, or a self moved the hand?
I Say: I have noticed this autopilot effect almost all my life. I sleep walk and sleep talk and am, reportedly, quite lucid while doing so and yet have no memory of it later. It's pretty obvious "I" am not much in charge. Even right after I came back from my NDE, it was very apparent that "I" was not making my body move. I was not even conscious and yet I was on my feet, asking questions for several minutes before "I" became aware. There is some sort of doer, but it isn't the figmentory me. I mentioned this before, the body responds to perceived danger and then is the only time I notice any intention needing to be exerted to prevent the meat suit from doing harm.
You ask: Try looking at some very ordinary thing you do everyday....like typing.. like walking, driving..
Look at it while you are doing it. Can you find an entity directing things...
or is the movement just happening?
I Answer: No, I can't. The "I" with which I have identified is not the doer. But doing is happening, or appears to be, so who is the cause of it, one wonders.

Very nice Cailin, you're doing some great looking!
It doesn't look like the I is in control of the body either.

I ask you, who or what is the cause of it?

Understand, I am here because the world has felt like a dream to me for many years. I have noticed that many people seem like props in that they seem to show up just when I either don't want them to, or need them to do so. There is this strange serendipity in which I have come to trust, even when things look bad, I feel detached. Time slips into slow motion and I can handle a near car wreck: BUT IT'S NOT "ME" DOING THE HANDLING. This is why I ask if the shift could occur and one not really notice it. I feel like a character in someone else's play and, outside of being perplexed by the apparent pointlessness of it all, I am mostly at peace. I have a strong dependance upon that other presence and tend to think of "him" as "the doer".
Today, after Ilona's gem, I feel very different. Things seem more alive and vivid but nothing matters. This, I can deal with. There's no sense of urgency. In fact, I don't much care about anything except I'd like to stay in this headspace. There's no sense of longing or loss, no real desire that things be any way other than they appear to be. Something has changed, but I've been here many times and gotten lost again in the dream. I'd like that vascillation to stop. The main difference seems to be that I am not grieving the loss of characters who never really existed. Whatever aspect of them was "real"= eternal before their death, no doubt, persists, so there's nothing to grieve. One cannot lose what wasn't ever real.

As I had mentioned, we have had some powerful responses to people just reading Ilona's little piece.
And not just a conceptual understanding...
Its almost like something is seen through.


So for the next day...take a good look as you are doing normal everyday activities.
Can you find an entity in control of things?
The I, the me, the entity, that's what maybe we're not exactly sure of.
This is what has been taken for granted for so long and believed. Is it true?
Or do things just happen? with no one really in charge?
Use the LOOKING method while doing this.

Let me know what you find out.

Here's the little koan again.. might be good to look at once in a while.

Well its a very simple thing that needs to be resolved...
There is this thought, I,... and once you see that I is just a thought
And you see that thought itself does not think
It clicks!
Its very very simple.

[Cailin Callahan]

Thanks for hanging in there with me, Billy,

I am going to spend the day with Ilona's koan. As I hinted, it causes something to happen but I can't describe it. It is like trying to grab a fist full of water. Conceptually, I agree with it completely but I feel something else happening when I consider it.

When I LOOK for the thinker, I don't find anyone or anything, just a sense of spaciousness out of which thoughts emerge. REASON alone tells me there must be a thinker but my senses, turned inward, find only embracing spaciousness and a mild sense of amusement.

You asked: What if there is just nothing?
what if its been your 'self' you've been looking from all this time?

I answer: Should confusion be a natural response to this? If that "nothing" is self, the empty vessel waiting to be filled, fine, that makes sense to me but, by "self", I take you to mean awareness/life itself unattached to any story, perhaps embracing all stories. Which would mean you/I/We are the same awareness asking and answering the questions on both ends.

Regarding thoughts, you said: Maybe turn them off for a short while...
but that's not tanatamount to ultimate control.
Once we get done meditating... the thoughts are back, uncontrolled.

I say, that's quite true. But there are less and less of them for me. Particularly today, after Ilona's koan. I am in the world focused entirely on what I am doing or my awarness is in my head resting and my body is just doing its routine.

You say, regarding my observation that "I" am not "the doer": Very nice Cailin, you're doing some great looking!
It doesn't look like the I is in control of the body either.

I ask you, who or what is the cause of it?

I say: I will look all day and during meditation. I have looked before and am looking now and there is that fist full of water, inner spaciousness, mild amusement and nothing. I sense some intelligence but I cannot, at this point, "KNOW" it and, I suspect, if I could, it would be beyond description. The more I would say of it the more it would be perverted by the words. For now, it seems like "Poised bemused empty awareness". The feeling of looking and almost "seeing" reminds me of watching my peacocks look for the other bird behind the mirror I have placed in the yard. There's a reflection and when you look for the surface/BEING off of which it is reflected, all that remains is light with nothing to glint off of, if that metaphor works for you. The "light" is just the awareness, aware of its self and nothing. The water has slipped out of the fist.

You ask, regarding my adjustments to the world after my NDE: Do you see the confusion above? "the character that appears as "me" is not real. To function here, I have had to make some weird adjustments that have left me"
Is there really an I and a me?
Look hard at this one...
Is there two or one or even none?

I say, well the "me" I am talking about is an awareness of the expectations of "others" and their responses have indicated that they are disturbed by the idea that they are fictional characters and this world is not real. So I stopped saying it but I never stopped feeling it. Danger only makes the feeling that it's not real more intense. Even when my body appears to ache I laugh and tell it that it can't feel anything because it's not real. None of this is real. It's like we are watching a movie we are in and it's like we ARE the canvas upon which the movie appears to play out. When identified with recent "sad" events in "the story" there appears to be a "me" who is sad. Then, suddenly, I am laughing at how ridiculous it is because I sense very deeply that none of it is real and I am not in the story but observing it again.

Perhaps I'm mad... {:-) If so, I regret wasting your time. "Is there one, two or even none?" you ask. There is awareness. THAT is all I can be certain of _|NOW|_.

You say: So for the next day...take a good look as you are doing normal everyday activities.
Can you find an entity in control of things?
The I, the me, the entity, that's what maybe we're not exactly sure of.
This is what has been taken for granted for so long and believed. Is it true?
Or do things just happen? with no one really in charge?
Use the LOOKING method while doing this.

Let me know what you find out.

I say: I shall look, really look, all day and tonight in meditation. I shall stay with the koan and direct attention "I" don't control at it. (That's so crazy.) If "I" am just the fictional character, "I" have no awareness to direct. Nonetheless, the koan does make something feel different so I shall not allow "reason" to divert my LOOKING.

Thank you, Billy. Enjoy your Saturday. Loving, appreciative regards,

Cailin

[Bill]

Thanks for hanging in there with me, Billy,

Cailin - you are doing great! I feel you're close or there. You tell me when you really feel it.... You'll know.
There may not be fireworks. But most people usually can tell an absolute shift has occurred. I know you're
very perceptive.... just keep looking as you have been.. Desire and openness are key.

I am going to spend the day with Ilona's koan. As I hinted, it causes something to happen but I can't describe it. It is like trying to grab a fist full of water. Conceptually, I agree with it completely but I feel something else happening when I consider it.

Good plan.

When I LOOK for the thinker, I don't find anyone or anything, just a sense of spaciousness out of which thoughts emerge. REASON alone tells me there must be a thinker but my senses, turned inward, find only embracing spaciousness and a mild sense of amusement.

You asked: What if there is just nothing?
what if its been your 'self' you've been looking from all this time?

I answer: Should confusion be a natural response to this? If that "nothing" is self, the empty vessel waiting to be filled, fine, that makes sense to me but, by "self", I take you to mean awareness/life itself unattached to any story, perhaps embracing all stories. Which would mean you/I/We are the same awareness asking and answering the questions on both ends.

When I mentioned self, I was talking about the me, the I, and not anything more deep!
What if this self is an empty vessel, like you say, but not waiting to be filled??
What if it just stays empty?

Regarding thoughts, you said: Maybe turn them off for a short while...
but that's not tanatamount to ultimate control.
Once we get done meditating... the thoughts are back, uncontrolled.

I say, that's quite true. But there are less and less of them for me. Particularly today, after Ilona's koan. I am in the world focused entirely on what I am doing or my awarness is in my head resting and my body is just doing its routine.

Wow. Less thoughts are a clue that something good is going on.

You say, regarding my observation that "I" am not "the doer": Very nice Cailin, you're doing some great looking!
It doesn't look like the I is in control of the body either.

I ask you, who or what is the cause of it?

I say: I will look all day and during meditation. I have looked before and am looking now and there is that fist full of water, inner spaciousness, mild amusement and nothing. I sense some intelligence but I cannot, at this point, "KNOW" it and, I suspect, if I could, it would be beyond description. The more I would say of it the more it would be perverted by the words. For now, it seems like "Poised bemused empty awareness". The feeling of looking and almost "seeing" reminds me of watching my peacocks look for the other bird behind the mirror I have placed in the yard. There's a reflection and when you look for the surface/BEING off of which it is reflected, all that remains is light with nothing to glint off of, if that metaphor works for you. The "light" is just the awareness, aware of its self and nothing. The water has slipped out of the fist.

I love this.... "Poised bemused empty awareness"
and also the peacocks looking or trying to find the 'other' bird...hahaha.

You ask, regarding my adjustments to the world after my NDE: Do you see the confusion above? "the character that appears as "me" is not real. To function here, I have had to make so
me weird adjustments that have left me"
Is there really an I and a me?
Look hard at this one...
Is there two or one or even none?

I say, well the "me" I am talking about is an awareness of the expectations of "others" and their responses have indicated that they are disturbed by the idea that they are fictional characters and this world is not real. So I stopped saying it but I never stopped feeling it. Danger only makes the feeling that it's not real more intense. Even when my body appears to ache I laugh and tell it that it can't feel anything because it's not real. None of this is real. It's like we are watching a movie we are in and it's like we ARE the canvas upon which the movie appears to play out. When identified with recent "sad" events in "the story" there appears to be a "me" who is sad. Then, suddenly, I am laughing at how ridiculous it is because I sense very deeply that none of it is real and I am not in the story but observing it again.
Perhaps I'm mad... {:-) If so, I regret wasting your time. "Is there one, two or even none?" you ask. There is awareness. THAT is all I can be certain of _|NOW|_.

Yes! all is happening only right now.
For me, what I could come up with was this,
"There is no I, there is just what is going on, right here and now".

You say: So for the next day...take a good look as you are doing normal everyday activities.
Can you find an entity in control of things?
The I, the me, the entity, that's what maybe we're not exactly sure of.
This is what has been taken for granted for so long and believed. Is it true?
Or do things just happen? with no one really in charge?
Use the LOOKING method while doing this.

Let me know what you find out.

I say: I shall look, really look, all day and tonight in meditation. I shall stay with the koan and direct attention "I" don't control at it. (That's so crazy.) If "I" am just the fictional character, "I" have no awareness to direct. Nonetheless, the koan does make something feel different so I shall not allow "reason" to divert my LOOKING.

Cailin, come back with what you found out about an entity.
You are very close.
Will respond back after seeing your reply.
I have a few more questions for you...

Bill

[Cailin Callahan]

Hi Billy,

Very pleased to have amused you. {:-)

I slept in as I was up late and then meditated for an hour of so and repeated it again as I awoke this morning. I looked all day yesterday. I am either in my head resting and not thinking or noticing how very present I feel in the moment. Doing absolutely mundane things and suddenly, I'm very focused in a vivid moment -- a clear light in a vast field of potential. And I must say there seems no getting around the fact that there is a "me" here.

You said: Yes! all is happening only right now.
For me, what I could come up with was this,
"There is no I, there is just what is going on, right here and now".

I'd have to respond, from yesterday's observing, that the self is only sensible _|NOW|_ and it is empty except for the moment's perceptions. But there is definitely intelligent Presence = Sentience.

I thought of Ilona's koan over and over and, this morning's meditation seems to have brought some insight: The "I" is like a character in a movie. It does not think. There is the semblance of thinking: brain activity and tangled reactive patterns that are all meat suit preservation related. They are not "thoughts" really. They are just chain reactions of neural circuitry that have been established over time thru experience. They are so loud and prominent that, in most people, they are mistaken for thoughts and, worse yet, for who the Being is. So these neural response patterns have mostly to do with preservation of the meat suit. They are not really "thoughts" at all, just conditioned reactive patterns in the brain.

Then there's the Being. When I look at the Being it is like what I have described before but, the last two days of inquiry (much of it occuring when I have been sleep deprived), has refined my best description of it. I would call it "bemused poised imminence/immanence". There is in it both a feeling of "something just about to occur" or "vast potential" -- as if (literally) ANYthing were possible, and a sense of a much more encompassing and yet intimately/integrated Presence or Being. And out of that Presence "just about to be discerned" there do indeed come something we would call "INsights" or "revelations".

So I sense my own presence as this "bemused poised expectation of some insight or revelation" because there is a strong feeling of my own awareness both overlapping and integrated into a much "larger" field of potentials that is also, so far as it "feels", sentient. I am, it seems, Sentience -- a kind of pregnant sentience: the birthplace between the unmanifested and the manifested. All the remainder of what I once identified with was just the prattle of the meat suit.

I look forward to your coaching and appreciate your mentoring very much. I have made some progress at least in my ability to actually LOOK. I am in your loving debt. {:-) I am still on this, more or less constantly. There are lapses, as the body attends to "what needs doing", but I am very much more present and just Sentient, empty and listening/looking inward.

May you have a blessed Sunday.

Lovingly,

Cailin

[Bill]

Hello Cailin,

I slept in as I was up late and then meditated for an hour of so and repeated it again as I awoke this morning. I looked all day yesterday. I am either in my head resting and not thinking or noticing how very present I feel in the moment. Doing absolutely mundane things and suddenly, I'm very focused in a vivid moment -- a clear light in a vast field of potential. And I must say there seems no getting around the fact that there is a "me" here.

Is this a 'sense of self' or an entity you are finding?

You said: Yes! all is happening only right now.
For me, what I could come up with was this,
"There is no I, there is just what is going on, right here and now".

I'd have to respond, from yesterday's observing, that the self is only sensible _|NOW|_ and it is empty except for the moment's perceptions. But there is definitely intelligent Presence = Sentience.

WE have to be very careful describing ourselves with capital lettered words... usually this is only a beefing up of the I.

I thought of Ilona's koan over and over and, this morning's meditation seems to have brought some insight: The "I" is like a character in a movie. It does not think. There is the semblance of thinking: brain activity and tangled reactive patterns that are all meat suit preservation related. They are not "thoughts" really. They are just chain reactions of neural circuitry that have been established over time thru experience. They are so loud and prominent that, in most people, they are mistaken for thoughts and, worse yet, for who the Being is. So these neural response patterns have mostly to do with preservation of the meat suit. They are not really "thoughts" at all, just conditioned reactive patterns in the brain.

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here.
What I get from the koan is that I is just a thought. Like the word shoe is a thought. a shoe can't think.... so how can an I think?

Then there's the Being. When I look at the Being it is like what I have described before but, the last two days of inquiry (much of it occuring when I have been sleep deprived), has refined my best description of it. I would call it "bemused poised imminence/immanence". There is in it both a feeling of "something just about to occur" or "vast potential" -- as if (literally) ANYthing were possible, and a sense of a much more encompassing and yet intimately/integrated Presence or Being. And out of that Presence "just about to be discerned" there do indeed come something we would call "INsights" or "revelations".

So I sense my own presence as this "bemused poised expectation of some insight or revelation" because there is a strong feeling of my own awareness both overlapping and integrated into a much "larger" field of potentials that is also, so far as it "feels", sentient. I am, it seems, Sentience -- a kind of pregnant sentience: the birthplace between the unmanifested and the manifested. All the remainder of what I once identified with was just the prattle of the meat suit.

Cailin - seriously, you're losing me here. I am not understanding.
Could you put this more in everyday language?

I look forward to your coaching and appreciate your mentoring very much. I have made some progress at least in my ability to actually LOOK. I am in your loving debt. {:-) I am still on this, more or less constantly. There are lapses, as the body attends to "what needs doing", but I am very much more present and just Sentient, empty and listening/looking inward.

Yes - you've made good progress...
Let's remember to keep this as simple and clear as possible.
Highly conceptualizing this will make the process much longer.

Cailin - I'm going to ask you another question. Let's use it to go forward with.

Bill

[Bill]

Hi Cailin,

Please use the LOOKING method that we talked about for this.

Do you exist?

[Cailin Callahan]

Hi Billy:

You asked: Is this a 'sense of self' or an entity you are finding?

I'd have to say it's just sentience, awareness. There's really no localized self there until thoughts intrude. Makes sense it would be that way: without a "not me" there can be no "me".

You say: WE have to be very careful describing ourselves with capital lettered words... usually this is only a beefing up of the I.

I answer: _|NOW|_ is just a little attempt at a graphic of a gate which is the present moment. It's the only place I can find any sense of presence -- just THIS moment. This moment is a little gate without any actual barricade. It's just got the posts to either side (metaphorically speaking). The posts are a reference to looking neither forward nor back in time. Just stay in the now.

I said: I thought of Ilona's koan over and over and, this morning's meditation seems to have brought some insight: The "I" is like a character in a movie. It does not think. There is the semblance of thinking: brain activity and tangled reactive patterns that are all meat suit preservation related. They are not "thoughts" really. They are just chain reactions of neural circuitry that have been established over time thru experience. They are so loud and prominent that, in most people, they are mistaken for thoughts and, worse yet, for who the Being is. So these neural response patterns have mostly to do with preservation of the meat suit. They are not really "thoughts" at all, just conditioned reactive patterns in the brain.

YOU asked: I'm not sure I understand what you are saying here.
What I get from the koan is that I is just a thought. Like the word shoe is a thought. a shoe can't think.... so how can an I think?

The shoe can't think and the thought of a shoe can't think. Constructs don't think, they are thoughts. Sorry, that seemed clear. Nope, the concept "I" cannot think. What people mistake for the "I" is just a set of conditioned responses, nerve pathways in the brain (meat suit) that have nothing at all to do with the actual beingness which is sentience. Within this sentience there is nothing but receptivity or potential. I have heard others say it is both the witness and the screen upon which life's projected dramas appear to play out. Observation indicates it is neither of those as those too are but constructs. All that is is simply the light of awareness or sentience.

You asked: Cailin - seriously, you're losing me here. I am not understanding.
Could you put this more in everyday language?

I answer: Everything seems to emerge into the sentience/the now, which is experienced as simply poised bemused being. "I" don't want to use the words "I am" because, although there is sentience there/here the effect or feeling is about something "just about to be" or "on the cusp of manifestation/discernment". It's a feeling of pure potential, like a pond with no surface and no movement. Very still.

You caution: Yes - you've made good progress...
Let's remember to keep this as simple and clear as possible.
Highly conceptualizing this will make the process much longer.

I remind: There is no established lexicon to discuss what we are trying to capture here within words, which are just thoughts, quite finite and hardly suitable to describe what has no skin, envelop or boundaries of any discernable sort. I'm doing my best.

You say: Cailin - I'm going to ask you another question. Let's use it to go forward with.
Do you exist?

If by "exist" you mean "stand out as a unique or discrete awareness interacting in and with with an external world," NO. There is no world "out there". It's all a projection and sentience is, not the screen it's projected upon, not the witness to the projections. It is the light that makes both:
(A)the projections appear to "exist" and
(B) a witness which appears to be observing and interacting with the projections.
Those are both/all constructs = thoughts. It's like watching a movie of yourself watching THE movie previously indicated as the direct object of this sentence: Sentience is observing sentience looking for its self. The reflection is looking for its reflection -- its source, and source can't be found in any reflection because source is the light that makes all reflection possible.

This morning as I came up into alpha meditative state from sleep, awareness was of simple being or presence, void and preparing for the meat suit to impose the needs of the day upon it. *I* did not want to leave the clear light peaceful state and yet the little lizard brain started nattering about "what needs doing today". That's not thinking. It's more like immortal sentience listening to trivial temporal perseverations of the meat suit. Desires for things the meat suit would like to have manifest in its exteriorized experience came up. Sentience looked past them back into the vast peace. In this borderland there was a semblance of preference and therefore, of a Self, which wanted to stay in meditation. Self *appeared* (as in an unreal reflection, a distortion of sentience) in the moment the pure potential of sentience was invaded/disturbed by worldly issues and judged (by the self created in that moment of conflict) to be irrelevant to the peace. "I" dissolvedd back into the peace and then nattering thoughts came again. "I" observed them and then dissolved again into the vast sea of sentience. This happened many times before "I" finally relented in hopes of taking care of the details so I can retreat back into stillness once these details are attended.

I hope that's clearer. I'm still not sleeping well, so my ability to even remotely describe the ineffable is even further impaired.

Loving regards,

C *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Bill]

Hello Cailin,

I'm a bit pressed today for time...and it is going to take a bit to go thru your post.
I want to ask you another question and will go thru both posts tonite.
Thanks for your commitment and thoroughness to this process.

Tell me about the construct of the I we call 'Cailin'.

[Cailin Callahan]

Hi Billy,

You ask me to tell you about the construct we/I call Cailin. I don't think you want to know the details Cailin story so, keeping my answer directed within the context of our discussion, Cailin is just that: a construct. It's just a story. A little girl, experienced some very disturbing things happen to her and, as a result, some very strange and ecstatic experiences seemed to rescue her from these disturbing abusive situations. Not wanting to alienate that sweet Presence, Cailin listened inwardly for it all her life and was guided always to love and forgive. She also learned that, if she did not judge a situation, she would always find that any "trial" or difficulty she encountered in her life would reveal a hidden blessing: an insight or a benefit that would come out of the trial later in time. She called this the "Nothing appens TO you. It all happens FOR you" principle. It made living in the world much less painful: less suffering and frightening. Then the forgiveness went deeper: She realized that there was nothing to forgive because even her abusers had made her stronger in many ways: Their abuse had been converted to blessings.

In the last decade many "losses"of loved ones made it very difficult for her to stay in nonjudgment. She had always looked for a "blessed turn of events" that would make whatever she went thru in life "make sense", or in some way cause her to be able to look back at it and see the remainder of her life redeemed by this "blessed turn of events". After the death of so many in her family, she was eager to find some blessed turn of events in her worldly (outer) life that would help her to understand and reconcile why she had gone thru so much loss. For the last year or so, there was a lot of spiritual searching and I learned that Cailin is essentially a "Sufi mystic" when one takes into account the types of spitual experiences she had always had.

Then one day, just a few weeks ago, she heard that inner voice she had always followed telling her that she herself was the "blessed turn of events": That getting to know who she truly is, is the blessed turn of events. No turn of events in the outside world could in any way trump simply knowing herself truly and, to do that, she had to look inside her self. So she came looking here at this site, for people who could help her to understand and, indeed, the questions you have asked, and the way you have asked me to look, have made quite a difference. The story of Cailin seems to be changing a lot from how I had thought it might "end", to finially reaching its beginning. I seem to have arrived back at where I started and to be knowing my self for the first time.

And the whole process is resulting in a deepening feeling of love and compassion and new hope. In fact, there appears within a slowly growing uncaused joy. Nothing has changed in my outer life. Something fundamental has changed in me. While the story feels more and more like a construct, I am a new thing and nothing that happens in my outside world feels very important at all anymore.

I hope that was the sort of response you were looking for, that it was "on topic" and not just distraction.

Loving regards,

Cailin

[Bill]

Hello Cailin,

I do not want to go point by point on the above.
Let me just make a few comments and then we'll start with a new question.
So my concern so far has been your language used.
It's been difficult to understand what you're talking about much of the time
Not sure that it has to be that difficult. That's why I asked for some
other feedback and gave it to you.
In looking at it, it seems something key is missing.

You're spending a lot of time describing, explainining the past instead of being here.
What I see you needing to do is to stop with all the stories.
This life or reality can only be found right now in this moment.

No aggrandizing or reminincsing or vivid descriptions of the past are going to be it.
We do use our mind for sure in this looking but it is just a part of it... not the dominant part.
We want to use all our senses. Here. Now.
Just by LOOKING right this moment... that is where its found.
It is a subtle but profound shift in awareness.
Just stop. and LOOK. This is where we are pointing to.
The past is gone...dead.... just a memory. just a thought. Not real.
What you're seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling right now...that is what is real.
Its' been here all along. But we've missed it. Its too obvious almost.
It's like... it can't be that simple..

Well it is. That's why it can be so difficult to see.

This can be a difficult shift to make, but once SEEN, it will be obvious.
It's like it has been right under our nose all the time. But we
have made it far too difficult. We think we have to have this
huge conceptualization just right and then it will all open up.
Wrong. We can't really get it with our minds alone.

Again... just stop. and LOOK. with all your senses.
This, right here, is it. This simple everyday reality that we
have overlooked.
There is no I, just what is going on, right here and now. Simply.

The story of Cailin you will find is just a story. Your Cailin story
is surely an interesting one. But it is like all the rest of them, only a story.
Your liberation is in seeing that it is only a story.
What we look for in these constructs is 'how' the I developed.
Not the story itself. We all have an interesting story.
How did little Cailin at two yrs old acquire we could say, this "I"?

We can see that babies show no signs of an ego or self.
And then slowly but surely...it happens.
This is what we want to look at. The how. How was it acquired?
That is what we want to understand. Our liberation is in this understanding.
Look briefly at this again. Is there maybe more emphasis on the story than
on what exactly happened?

Do give whatever you got from looking at the two books, Gateless Gatecrashers and
the Ruthless Truth book. These are both good and can be enough to help
people SEE as they are true first hand experiences of others looking and seeing
that the I is only a thought.

[Cailin Callahan]

Hi Billy and thanks again for your patience.

You said: This life or reality can only be found right now in this moment.

I answer: NOW is also the only place one can LOOK to see that there is no separate self but there is awareness. I accept completely (the concept) that all "awareness" (a word which I will use interchaneably with "experiencing" or life") is one and that I, as a separate "experiencer" do not exist: That is to say I do not stand out as separate. STILL, this concept has to be EXPERIENCED to be known and to actually liberate. I HAVE FELT THIS BEFORE, ON A REEF DIVE AND IT LAST 3 DAYS. Alas, that was then and only NOW counts.

You continue: We do use our mind for sure in this looking but it is just a part of it... not the dominant part.
We want to use all our senses. Here. Now.
Just by LOOKING right this moment... that is where its found.
It is a subtle but profound shift in awareness.
Just stop. and LOOK. This is where we are pointing to...What you're seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling right now...that is what is real.
Its' been here all along. But we've missed it. Its too obvious almost.
It's like... it can't be that simple..

I answer: I have felt something subtle happening for a few days. I need to put this in context: I have lost my mother, step mother, little sister and father and best friend all in the last decade and all of them but Daddy died in JUST the last 4 years. My husband of 12 years left me just a little over a month ago and our divorce will be final within 2 weeks. I also had a very scary lawsuit hanging over my head which could have taken all that I own. (That resolved, BTW, this morning. Yippeee!) So I had a lot of reasons to be depressed and, when I came to this site, I was very depressed. Then you asked me the questions you asked me and the shift in my attention into the now began. The change in my mood started immediately. I was, and am, spending a lot more time in meditation, looking for the self. I can't find one but there is still awareness. I am thinking much less and I am having moments throughout the day when I am very vividly present, looking at very mundane things with a strange (and pleasant) intensity. Additionally, this "work" has also infiltrated my dreaming mind. This morning I dreamt of looking at acorns on a tree branch very intensely and seeing them more vividly than I have ever seen them before. I became lucid during this dream and realized that you (in the dream) were telling me to look and focus my attention completely on what I was seeing. The acrons were radiantly lovely and I felt like I was cheating when, being lucid, I realized I was not outside looking at acorns at all: They were just in my mind.

OK, so my intention is obviously mustering to accomplish this at both the conscious and unconscious levels... just so you know. There are subtle changes on my level of awareness: a certain sharpess of focus and clarity that was not there before. Please understand, I have no need to add this accomplishment to my list so I can join any club and I know it is of no use to me to feign accomplishment. I WANT this experience because I want to be useful to helping others get here. I view this as literally the most important issue in my life. Usefulness is very important and so I want this and I want it to last. It does me no good, therefore, to try and trick you with words. Mistakes I make, I make honestly just because I don't know what I'm doing. The words you use to instruct me and the words I have read others use to describe "the shift" are "fingers pointing at the moon". I have to look at the moon, not the finger. This is going to take some practice and, inasmuch as "I" have memories of being a "self" going back to the age of 17 months, this may be a tough nut to crack (as green acorns go). So, if there are any other methods that others may suggest me using please lay them on me. I have been using Ilona's koan. (I love it. It's perfect and so elegant.) She also said to try noticing how automated our own body actions are and to do the same with the actions of other bodies and I have been doing that too.

I am having great enjoyment of light falling on leaves. There is a deepening beauty that I had been killing with thoughts and lables before. I am trying not to use lables. That's new for me. I love words and, as soon as I lable something, it's dismissed (and kinda dead in a way).


You say: Again... just stop. and LOOK. with all your senses.
This, right here, is it. This simple everyday reality that we
have overlooked.
There is no I, just what is going on, right here and now. Simply. ...The story of Cailin you will find is just a story. Your Cailin story
is surely an interesting one. But it is like all the rest of them, only a story.
Your liberation is in seeing that it is only a story.
What we look for in these constructs is 'how' the I developed.
Not the story itself. We all have an interesting story.
How did little Cailin at two yrs old acquire we could say, this "I"?

I answer: I could tell you, but it's the past. I do see my story as just a story. I used to cry when I thought of what I have been thru, what my little sister went thru, everyone I have "lost". It's becoming less and less "me" and more and more "just a story". I am certain that losing me in the NOW is more important than finding where I came to be in the past.

You say: We can see that babies show no signs of an ego or self.
And then slowly but surely...it happens.
This is what we want to look at. The how. How was it acquired?
That is what we want to understand. Our liberation is in this understanding.
Look briefly at this again. Is there maybe more emphasis on the story than
on what exactly happened?

I answer: What exactly happened was first, I perceived "lack". I was hungry and wanted to find mother. "Lack" is incompleteness. Therefore "I" was born and the supplier of what I lacked was "the other". Later, separate self was intensified by threat: There was an "evil" pedophile uncle who was a threat to me and my little sister and so an "enemy" simultaneously made my sense of separate self stronger and caused me to extend my sense of self to the little sister "I" had to protect: She became and extension of me: "Mine" was born. This is the same little sister I recently "lost". I am happy to report that said wound to my "self" is no longer as fresh as it felt just a week ago. I think that is more progress than you might imagine. There is a strong tendency to want to live in tribute to departed loved ones and it causes a certain perceptual perseveration on the "loss of that/those parts of MY family/story". Additionally, there was a lot of guilt associated with Cyndee dying. She became a crack head because of the abuse she suffered which I was unable to protect her from and, unable to bear watching what she was doing to the family, I left and, while I was gone, almost everyone in the family died. They died while I was cultivating a marriage that ended just one year after I FINALLY managed to get husband to come back here so I could have time with the tatters of my family which remained. I think you can see how much emotional guilt and burden this would create. I mention this so that you'll understand why it is so auspicious that all of that feeling of heavy guilt and loss is lifting. It's becoming "just a story". The past is being left behind, at last. Not entirely yet, but bit by bit, because I have been exercising putting my attention into the NOW. This is a big improvement. Hard to enter the NOW with all that crap attached. A camel could fit thu the eye of a needle with more ease.

With this answer, am I looking at the finger or the moon? Hence forth, unless you direct me to look backwards, I intend not to discuss it or even think about it. I think it imperative I stay in the NOW: feeling, hearing, smelling, looking and, hopefully finally SEEING.

Loving regards, as ever,

Cailin

[Bill]

The reef dive and those kind of experiences that were mystical are a trap in a way.
The mind want to 'go back' to that experience and re-capture its essence.
If only I can get that experience back again....
One problem.It can't. Why? Because it's only a memory now.
Again. the only place we can find what we 'er looking for here is in the right now.
Not the past.
Here
Now.
This is where to be and look.

I am very sorry for the loss of all your family members.
It can be devastating and the grief can last a long time.
I hope you have worked through a lot of that. This process won't necessarliy make any of it better.
It might even make the feelings more intense.
It is good you're committed.
I mentioned at right at first the most important attribuites are desire nad openness.

So with all you have going there with your family, all the deaths, the guilt of your sister's death, is this a good thing gto be doing right now? Or is this just a diversion to not feel the feelings arising?
I don't know the answer to that question. You might not either but it is worth considering.
Maybe some therapy coupled with this might be appropro.
Here again, you are the only one who can make that decision.
Giving this to others seems to come natually out of this seeing, but it is good to get one's own house in order first before any giving away is a priority.

This marks the end of the story..... from here on let's not go back there.

***************************************************************************************************************************

So I would like to ask you to do some exercises emphasizing being
in the here and now.

First take some simple everyday thing that you do. It could be typing on the computer, or walking or any other activity. I would like you to do a stream of consciousness report on it. What I mean by this is to describe in detail the here and now activity and how your body does it. in detail. this almost forces you to be in the now as you can't be somewhere else and acturately report what happens.

What fears come up for you about this process?
(not the exercise above, the inquiry process of LU)
LOOK for real here. What comes up?
We don't want past stuff.
Only things you're feeling now.
Be brief and succinct. :)

Keep reading both those books.
If you have the time, watch these videos. They are both only a few min.
They are excellent.
http://youtu.be/wyNwhK2Ur1c
http://youtu.be/eB6oPN3Bz_Y

[Cailin Callahan]

Hi Billy!

My sister just left and I've completed farm chores for the day.

You said: I am very sorry for the loss of all your family members.
It can be devastating and the grief can last a long time.
I hope you have worked through a lot of that. This process won't necessarliy make any of it better.
It might even make the feelings more intense.

I answer: I have been keeping time with nondualists for the last 6 months. Initially, their company and perspective did indeed make my sense of loss more profound. Then I came here and you started exercising my abilty to LOOK at the NOW, and TO the NOW, and the depression I was feeling lifted pretty quickly. Talking about nondual reality seemed to open the flood gates of the intense sense of the meaninglessness and insanity of the world (mortal) experience. Exercising the capacity to look at the now, on the other hand, has made the world seem at once more comical and weird and yet more intensely alive and beautiful. In fact, you must understand, I brought up all of that information about why I HAD been depressed so you would understand what a stark change there has been in my mood since we began. The contrast between what I had been feeling and what I am presently feeling is very marked.

You said: It is good you're committed.
I mentioned at right at first the most important attribuites are desire and openness.

I answer: I am right there with you! Does me no good at all to try to make you think I am making progress that I am not making. In fact, it could be dispiriting, and I don't want to dispirit you as I am grateful and in admiration of the work you all do here.

You observed: So with all you have going there with your family, all the deaths, the guilt of your sister's death, is this a good thing gto be doing right now? Or is this just a diversion to not feel the feelings arising?
I don't know the answer to that question. You might not either but it is worth considering.
Maybe some therapy coupled with this might be appropro.
Here again, you are the only one who can make that decision.
Giving this to others seems to come natually out of this seeing, but it is good to get one's own house in order first before any giving away is a priority.

I reply: No, really, I'm great. If you had been around me a month ago you'd understand what a difference there is. I have nothing against therapy and seek it out whe I need it. And yes, the desire to bring some good out of all the pain in the world is a powerful motivator. I think that's a natural and healthy response to adversity.

You direct: First take some simple everyday thing that you do. It could be typing on the computer, or walking or any other activity. I would like you to do a stream of consciousness report on it. What I mean by this is to describe in detail the here and now activity and how your body does it. in detail. this almost forces you to be in the now as you can't be somewhere else and acturately report what happens.

I ask: I assume you mean you want me to focus on the activity and do stream of consciousness, rather than doing stream of consciousness without focusing on the activity itself: that is to say, leave my brain to function in it's normal way (autopilot) -- focusing on what I need to do next to make the tasks all get done as expediciously as possible?

I RECKON you mean the former, not the latter.

You say: What fears come up for you about this process?
(not the exercise above, the inquiry process of LU)

I ask: LU? And what would be fearful about this? I'll let you know if I feel any angst, but I don't anticipate it.

You caution: LOOK for real here. What comes up?
We don't want past stuff.
Only things you're feeling now.
Be brief and succinct. :)

I answer: Will do. I am too pooped to try this now and having a low sugar. Must eat. One thing I can say is that I have been noticing a lot how people, myself included, create routines that seem to allow them to go thru their day without thinking. It's like they train their bodies to go thru a process and that process is in motoric encoding so they don't have to think, like driving a car. Most people are not even aware while they are doing this. I work around animals and some of them can be quite dangerous so I have to remain present a lot so I can read the animals and know if I am going to have to run or pick up a stick to defend myself, etc. I also have to be mindful of gates on enclosures because there are animals here that MUST not be allowed in with one another. (Ya gotta keep 'em separated...") So I am noticing most people seem to be, relatively speaking, asleep while they go about their routines and those routines are carried out in an automated way. Then I make eye contact with them and actually answer their mechanical "How'are you?" with a real and present and friendly answer and I can see the light come on in their eyes (or, very rarely, not, in which case, I think, This person is really asleep). So this is one change happening in my observation and experience of the world: I am noticing that people are not really present and so I must be more present than I was before to even notice this.

Thanks for the flicks. Will watch them tonight and will do the stream of consciousness exercise while doing farm chores tomorrow.

Loving regards,

Cailin

[Bill]

Cailin,

Good that you've talked and worked some of the grief out.
It will still come up. Just let it. Don't push the feelings away or try to get rid of them
Be with them as they come... they'll naturally resolve themselves.
And then they'll come again.... :) It's OK.

It's like they train their bodies to go thru a process and that process is in motoric encoding so they don't have to think, like driving a car. Most people are not even aware while they are doing this. I work around animals and some of them can be quite dangerous so I have to remain present a lot so I can read the animals and know if I am going to have to run or pick up a stick to defend myself, etc. I also have to be mindful of gates on enclosures because there are animals here that MUST not be allowed in with one another. (Ya gotta keep 'em separated...") So I am noticing most people seem to be, relatively speaking, asleep while they go about their routines and those routines are carried out in an automated way. Then I make eye contact with them and actually answer their mechanical "How'are you?" with a real and present and friendly answer and I can see the light come on in their eyes (or, very rarely, not, in which case, I think, This person is really asleep). So this is one change happening in my observation and experience of the world: I am noticing that people are not really present and so I must be more present than I was before to even notice this.

Just remember, we're all the same basically, maybe just on a different part of the path. All is OK as it is, and so are all these people who we don't think are awake.

Yes go ahead do the description of working with your farm chores... or whatever you choose.
Just describe it in detail as you are doing it. Be there. Don't miss a thing. (well -just the story ABOUT it
can be missed.)
Do you see that all the description of ABOUT is a trap? Its all a story.

And what comes up from the two LU videos?

Is there a you? in reality? Was there ever?

[Cailin Callahan]

Hi Billy,

What follows is a transcript of what I dictated as stream of consciousness into my iphone voice reminder today as I worked around the yard. This is about 25 minutes of the 45 minutes or so I recorded. Transcription took almost twice that long. And it's pretty tedious so I figured 26 minutes of it was enough for you to get the idea of what I notice/think about usually.

"...OK, outside, got water running in one of the big tubs. I can hear the water ands feel it where it sprayed my leg when I laid it down in the tub; sound of the turkey tom gobbling. Found a turkey chick, the youngest had been stepped on by his mother. She accidentally squashed him and, uh, not a pleasant sight: his innards popping out thru a hole, no scent though, so she just accidentally squashed him and his intestines popped out thru the hole. Let the mother out. Sound of the fence latch, closing, clinking. Noticed the baby turkeys needed more water -- had already gone thru half a bowl in less than 10 minutes. So going back to get scoop so I can scoop some fresh water for them into the bowl and uuuh, sound of leaves and sand rustling and then feet across concrete floor. Oops. Dropped the scoop and it made a hollow clunking noise as it bounced. Little eye gnats that are so numerous here this time of year, bothering, pestering at my eyes and gate cool on my fingertips and latch hurting my finger tips as I force it down, it being tight. Sound of the water running in the tub I am filling and sound of the scoop against the plastic bottom of the tub which is a wading pool. Um, baby birds have now already finished the water I gave them. Baby turkeys peeping as they gather, sound of the water filling up, feeling of the screen at the top of the enclosure up against my arm as I reach thru to pour the water. Stepping on roots that smart the bottoms of my feet a little bit as I walk away. Sound of the water poured out of the scoop and back into the filling wading tub. The fence clinking, cold on my finger tips, latching the gate, walking away. My mare, making that "pllllpph" noise they make when they are frustrated, she's waiting for food. The cool, bumpy surface of the plastic plant potter in my hand, sound of the feed bag crinkling, pressure on my hands and the sound of the scoop going into the feed and the sound of the feed pouring into the plant potter I use to make up a feed mix. More scooping, crinkling noises as I scoop out the corn and seed mix to go into the feed for the cow. Again, the different sound of the paper bag as I get the alfalfa pellets. The alfalfa pellets green in the scoop, clattering into the plant potter. Another paper bag as I scoop the 10.10.10 horse feed, mmm, sweetness of the smell of the horse feed and the soft sound of it clattering into the plant potter. Uuuh! Now the full plant potter is heavy with the grains and pellets and the scoop refilled with horse feed is inside it too. Bumping the door edge with my right arms as I exit and then turn back to reach in with my right hand and turn off the feed room lights at the switch by the door. The door is cool against my fingertips, my finger tips skin is very thin. Uum, a cow glaring at me, the horses whinnying, stepping around roots to avoid hurting my feet. Miniature mare whinnying, smell of rain coming, slightly musty smell, noticing the piles of poo, listening to the sounds of my feet shuffling thru the grass and leaves. Got the scoop for the horse food in right hand and put down the container of food mix for the cow on the edge of the milking stall window ledge so I can have a hand free to fend her off. Sliding the gate rail back, the rail being wrapped with bailing twine so I have a place to grab without getting splinters. The feel of the soft rope against my fingers. Flies, gnats buzzing as I enter the stall, sound of the feed going into the bin for the horse. Sound of the cow following right on my heels. Fending her off so she doesn't hurt me. Checking for water in her feed bowl from last night's rain. Slight bit of moisture but not a problem. Cold metal gate into the milking stall in my hand. Hey! Hey! Hey! Cow's head in the gate trying to follow me in to get the feed off the window sill, backing her big wet nose off. Back off... Back off, back off, she's butting my hand, pouring the feed into the bowl for her. She anxious. OK now she's eating. Looking at all the crap I need to clean up. Putting the feed carriers nested back on the window sill, and the cold gate in my hand. Um, get the wheel barrow and the pitch fork. Dump the water from last night's rain, sound of the wheel barrow and the water trickling out of it, the hollow metal sound of the wheel barrow as I am rolling it and the sensation of the bumpy plastic grips in my hand. Uuuh, wooden handle of the pitch fork for scooping poop, being a little dangerous because OWE! MMmm... Aaaah, wheel barrow tipped and smacked me on the outside of my right knee which hurt. The uh, grip of the pitch fork being wooden and likely to give me splinters as it's old so, UUUh, smell of the musty stall, mmm, sight of the piles of poop, looking quite healthy as poops go. Um, good color, medium brown and all the smells are healthy smells, fecund and yet not fetid. Scooping the hay and poop. The hay that's soild so they don't try to eat soiled hay. Sound of the wet from pee bottom of the stall squishing under my shoes. Sound of the horse eating, her teeth chewing. All scooping, scooping and putting it in the wheel barrow. Horse is swishing her tail because of bugs, sound of its swishing. Sound of the fork sliding on the floor of the stall. More tail swishing and hoof stamping, trying to get a fly to leave her alone. Big, heavy spot of hay that has been urinated on, heavy and hard to get up. Thumps and oh, very pungent odor as I scoop it. Bit of poop in there too as I get it out of the way. Phone slopping around making it difficult to work with it hanging on the front of my shirt. Phone flopping around and me moving it to my shoulder. Horse stamping, tail swishing, horse chewing. Smell of urine in the hay. Shaking the hay off the pitch fork. (Breath) Mmm, kinda sweet scent from the hay beginnning to decompose from where it was urinated and defecated on. It's kind of a sweet scent. OK, dog at the door of the store of the stall. Why do dogs like to eat the poop of herbivores? Very strange behavior. OK get out the way big dog, chk! chk! Squeeking of the wheel barrow. Go on dog. Atman, shoo, go... Lots of flies and soil outside with a lot of poop. Scooping up soil and poop mixed from in front of barn entry. It's been raining. Soil is wet mixed with squashed poops, where the 1 ton horse, my Percheron mare has been walking thru it. Clunking of the wheel barrow as I knock the poop off the fork into it. Rooster in back ground crowing. Sliding, straining sound of the pitch fork sliding against the earth as I scoop up a poop and then slide it back and forth across the earth to bust up the remnants of the poop left behind, so there's nothing for the flies and gnats to lay their eggs in. Sound of my own breathing. Some of the poop tumbled out of the wheel barrow as I tried to put it in so I have to pick it back up again put it back in the wheel barrow. Clink as I hit the wheel barrow with the tines, more of the horse chewing frantically in the background and the clip at the base of her halter clanking against her feed bin. Dog rolling and sneezing, next to a pile of poop and then shaking out. Gnats on my eye glass lens while I brush out more of the poop on the soil so it's not suitable for laying eggs in. Clank of the handle of pitch fork as I drop the fork in the wheel barrow. Dog walks by panting. I'm checking the water level in the barrel for the water for the heifer calf. Walking back... Mmmm, feeling of the weight of my body pressing down on the bottoms of my feet against the earth as I bend down and the feeling of the plastic knob on my fingers as I turn on the water to replenish the heifer's water. Cow is spraying milk out of her teets. She is preganant and due to birth in the next few days and everytime she eats she sprays milk all over the place because I haven't milked her in a couple of weeks because I had been trying to dry her off so there would be more nourishment for the calf but she's not drying off, presumably because she has a calf in there. Picking up more poop. Noticing it's color. It's cow poop, green, got unchewed grains in it. Checking the cow for signs that ... oh yeah, cow's tail is very loose, can be pumped like a hand water pump handle. Patting her side and the funny sound it makes: blup, blup, blup, she's cleaning up the last bit of feed from off the ground around her bucket. Noticing the other piles of poop that have to be picked up and that the water is already overflowing the heifer calf's water barrel. Walking over, turning the knob to shut off the water, noticing the bunny undrneath a tree in the adjacent paddock about 150 feet away. Large, white tail rabbit, probably pound and a half -- large for this area. Pitchfork in hand again, pile of horse poop. NO green in it, kinda loose, Jenny's has no clods in it; sound of the tines against the earth with a root underneath the soil not far down makes a different sound. Soil is silicious and makes a high pitched singing noise as the metal tines scrape across it while the roots deeper down make a different noise. Horse is out now making the "pllllph" noise again. She is disappointed to find the cow has finished all of her food already and so she can't steal any. Dog standing nearby panting. Gnats annoying at my face, one or two, one on my ear one on my cheek. Chasing them off. They attack when you disturb the piles of poo they are trying to put their eggs in. Sound of the pitch fork against the ground again, as I scrape up the last of the pile and put it in the wheel barrow, while thinking again that I was disappointed to find that the wormer that I bought to worm everyone is out of date and the little stallion is locked in a confinement that is smaller and I need to get him out with his mare and colt son but can't because he's hard to catch and I can't worm him because the wormer is out of date. So, little disappointed about that. Calf staring at me. Pitch fork making its usual noises when it's run across the ground. Cow still licking up food. That's how they get so many worms. If she'd only keep her head over the bowl while she is eating, she wouldn't have to do that. Sound of the pitch fork and a turd splatting as I pitch it in with the rest of the cow turds at the base of the pine tree. I got a huge wheel barrow full of manure and a slight squeeking noise as the wheel barrow rolls. Sight of many mushrooms of various varieties, popping out of the manure underneath the oak tree. Pitch fork jumping as I drop it on the ground. Upending the wheelbarrow to dump it. Sounds it makes as I pull it back and drop it to empty it. Picth fork in hand as I spread out the pile I dumped, watching not to get splinters, as I spread the manure that is now in a heap so it's not to thick. It's mixed with hay so it's harder to spread, underneath the tree. Gnats annoying me. Mmmm, feeling a little breathless from the work, the exercise of spreading the poop out. Looking forward to turning on the sprinkler and drowning these gnats. Watching the calf flip her tail and chew her cud, wishing I could sell her. Sound of the wheel barrow squeeking as I turn it. It's thumping as I roll it going to a cow patty and dropping the wheel barrow, it makes a loud hollow noise. Didn't need the wheel barrow as the patty is near the cow patty pile under the pine tree. Cow poo doesn't go the same place as the horse poo, well, not always, usually tho I try to keep them separated. Thinking about the dynamics of how the cow poo doesn't have to be composted as it makes excellent fertilizer straight away whereas the horse poo has to be composted before you put it in the gardens. One last pile of horse poop right next to the horse poop pile so I just have to throw it in there and spread it out across the surface as I do. Sound of the fork raking thru the grass, careful not to wreck the grass as I scoop up the poop and the rake the fork back and forth across the surface of the grass so I bust up the gnat habitat. Put down the fork in the wheel barrow. Atman, the dog, in the poop pile. Atman, go! Get out of that poop. Good boy. Lots of nice beautiful mushrooms of many varieties in the composting piles, the smell of the muchrooms and the smell of the poo. Wondering what kinds they are... Literally hundreds of them. The weight on my feet as I walk around to turn the sprinkler on so it composts the manure faster. Sound of the sprinkler turning on, smell of the water. Pick up the wheel barrow and roll it back to its usual position. Sound of the wheel barrow thumping and feeling it trying to slip out of my finger tips. Chasing the horse out of my way. Wah, yuck, sweat running down my face, flies and gnats buzzing about, careful to open my hand decisively and drop pitch fork into its safe position outside the paddock. Careful to do this in such a decisive was so as to avoid it sliding in my hand and causing splinters. Picking up the feed pales to carry back to where they belong, smell of rain coming in the distance and the sound of thunder, the roots in the ground under my feet make my ankle nurt a little more as I approach the feedroom and I notice the sound of the water I had left running in the wading pool is now overflowing into the yard. Calling the dog: Atman come! Bug biting me on the arm. Atman Come! Get the dog in. Sound of the fence. Dog panting. Good boy, come. Good boy. Dog doesn't really want to come in but does anyway. First drop of rain hits my arm. Fence squeeking as I latch it. Water running out of the wading pool overflowing, hose pulled out of the water. Turn it off cold and wet in my hand, sound of the hose dragging across the ground as I pull it to take it out the gate on the other side of the yard and put the nozzle which leaks a little all the time on the bamboo so it gets enough water and keeps growing, chickens clucking, dog lapping the fresh water where I just put him back in the yard. Checking chicken water which looks a little cloudy. Oops! Tripping on a cow pie I should have picked up days ago. Sound of the hose dragging. Peafowl in their coop looking a little despirately hopeful that I have something special for them other than their feed. More rain dropping on me. Chickens clucking. Good the rain's here. Gonna step inside, and leave the mushooms I picked in the sink and head back out to hay everyone. Time to get this done for the day before the rain comes in earnest. Dog waiting on the porch wagging his tail and smiling and panting. He's a good boy, yes... slobbering everywhere. Big dog slobber everywhere. Roosters chasing each other in the yard. Sound of the sliding glass door closing as I step inside, cooler in here, sweat stinging my eyes, and cat meowing at the door, the sound of the sliding glass door as I shut it behind me. Little dog my mother left me, ruffing at me and her toenals clicking as she runs behind me, happy to see me, turning on the light and the switch clicking under my finger, water switched on and running it over the mushooms as they did grow out of poop after all. Look out the window there's a peacock on the front porch. He's been eating the dog food. Sound of the water stopping as I turn it off. Sound of the door opening and closing as I put the mushrooms away. The switch clicking as I turn the light off. Uuuugh, opening the closet door, cool knob in my hand -- click as I lift the door to make the latch seat so it stays shut..."

No wonder I am tired: all that talk of poop and so I am pooped! Ha! Gonna go shower and lay down to meditate. More tomorrow. Hope this was what you had in mind.

Love, as ever,

Cailin