The Gate

I hear you. We will explore this more tomorrow.
Ownership is an interesting question. It seem that there is a need for owning, wish for owning. But life is not “mine”. It’s free.

With love.

Dear Ilona,

So I went to the forest today and checked bodily sensations whenever I saw movement. Sometimes I noticed some kind of feeling in the body that sort of mirrored the one I was perceiving in nature. And just feeling of aliveness, and the silence. You said the silence is the answer (to the question of where the “I” is), why do I perceive it as a lack of answer?? Maybe after asking a million times I will just realize what the silence is trying to tell me?

I don’t want to keep on believing on something that doesn’t exist! I hope that my intention to see the truth will be enough.

Wonderful!
Yes, the silence is the answer. Take it as it is. It’s not trying to tell anything, it’s empty of ideas and concepts.

I have a video that might be helpful here https://youtu.be/vVfvRetanr0
More about that silence.

And don’t wait for anything to happen, nothing needs to happen. We are looking what is already here.

Write what you notice!

With love.

Thank you so much for your reply and the link!

Small change of subject, because I need to report something: I think I just finally got what you mean by "there is no I": you were talking about language! You were pointing out the fact that "I" is just a word, that it doesn't refer to anything that is actually perceived in reality. What exists is just sensations, thoughts, etc. and we LABEL all that "I". I got it while listening to the recording of our online session from yesterday and you said: "we say the wind blows but there is no wind, that's just what we call the sensation". So then I looked around and realised that everything just exists independently of the label we attach to it and that nothing needs any kind of label in order to exist. "I" is just a practical way of referring to something in reality which is pretty complex to refer to without labels. So I guess I was completely misunderstanding what you meant! Sorry it took me so long!... Or let me know if I'm wrong and I'm just thinking that I got it.

Now I feel I can go back to exploring the silence and to watching the video you kindly shared :-)

AND the fact that language presents things in a way that there is always a subject doing something makes us automatically learn the concept of a doer. In the situation that we refer to as "I put a glas on the table" what is observable is the holding of the glas, the movement of the glas and the hand towards the table and the glas being in a new position.
Is this what you've been talking about or am I still missing something?

Yes, you got it what I meant about the language. I word has become a subject that “must be there” for any action to happen. But as you see, there is more going on than concepts. And concepts are useful in a practical sense in communication. Only when I word is assumed to be what I am, there is a whole lot of confusion and trying to find “what I am”.

What else are you noticing?
With love.

Well, I’m noticing that the identification with thoughts has always run on automatic, so now, when a thought comes up, I have to remind myself every time “oh, right, that’s not true”, which leaves me wondering whether I really do see that there is no self or if it’s just a new belief… when I examine it though, it’s just obvious that there isn’t. But I guess I doubt that this can actually be seen? I don’t know… Does this make any sense?

It makes sense, yes.
You can examine these beliefs — I am separate from life, making everything happen. I am controlling thoughts, feelings, sensations, colours, sounds, taste and smell. I am in charge of what happens next. Life would not happen if I stop making it happen.

See what comes up when you question these beliefs. How do you know what is true?

With love.

Dear Ilona,

So here I am, over two years after my last post on this forum, and what a journey it has been! You personally know all about it, since I started a very intense process with you after our few exchanges on this forum: I wrote you an email from your website, booked a session and ended up doing lots of deep looking with your guidance, which led to my awakening within only a couple of months. That was two years ago, but I still kept on doing deep looking with you for over a year after my awakening, since I quickly realized that awakening was not the end of the road, as I had erroneously assumed while I was still on the seeking stage.
I write this short summary here because I now feel that I have walked long enough on my path to be able to help others find their way through theirs. I read a couple of first entries from seekers and my heart felt the pain of knowing only so well what it’s like to be seeking for something that you have no idea what it is but you just know that you need to find no matter what. For this reason, I would now like to become a guide on this forum. I hope you and the other guides will find that I have something valuable to contribute to people’s processes.
Sending you lots of love,
Laura

Dear Laura.

Great to see you here with the intention to assist as a guide! It’s a wonderful way to pass on the message and serve those that come here.
Traditionally we ask some questions and once you answer them we can proceed further.

Here they are:
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

6) Anything to add?

Please answer in full, when ready.

Much love.

Dear Ilona,

Thank you for your reply. Here are my answers to the questions:

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

There has never been any separate entity because there is nothing to be separate from. There is perception of aliveness happening in different ways and an obvious constant continuity between what happens within the body-mind and what used to look like the outside world.

2) Share in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different now?

It's the saddest thing about the human experience: the illusion that there is an independent agent walking around in a vast world that has nothing to do with them, subject to its mercy or lack of it, that needs to be protected at all costs from adversities, which usually come in the form of other separate agents with their own agenda. We create this illusion ourselves during childhood, when we progressively adopt beliefs that are meant to define us so that we can play the role assigned to us. It's the price we pay to be a part of society and, ironically, it's precisely what causes feelings such as not belonging or being lonely.
When I was doing inquiry into this, I remember feeling like there was an "I" inside my head, whenever I looked for it, there it was, I FELT it. Then, when I noticed something was different, because I had felt particularly at peace for about a day, I checked to see if that feeling was still there and realized that it wasn't. That's when it hit me that the sense of "I" had always been just a contraction in the head area.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

This happened almost exactly two years ago, but I remember it quite clearly: I felt a peace that was both new, never-felt-before, and at the same time not extraordinary, as if it had always been there. So the difference from before I first posted on this forum is enormous in terms of how I feel, how I see life, how I relate to others and how I perceive all phenomena that happen inside of the body and in the perceived world.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

I was exhausted of fighting. I felt that I had been working so hard, that I had given everything I had and still couldn't "see it" and it was so very painful that I remember just saying to myself out loud, with great anger "fuck this! I give up". I was outside with my dog at that time, and I just continued my walk, feeling discouraged and heartbroken, got back home and forgot all about it. It wasn't until the following day that I noticed something was different, and so only in hindsight did I realize that it had been the giving up that had been lacking.

5) Can you talk about decision, intention, free will, choice and control? What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

Ok, this question really makes me laugh :-D it feels as absurd to me now as asking "why is red not blue?" or "how come humans have hands and chickens don't?", and the reason is that they are all just equally silly examples of the way in which the mind tries to figure out life. Of course, the question is perfectly reasonable when the illusion of a separate self is still at work, and I realize that a person I might accompany as a guide on this forum could very well ask me that same thing, in which case I would say: the mind loves trying to solve puzzles created by itself, and engaging with such seemingly puzzling issues only distracts us from the simplicity of reality. There is no agent doing anything and therefore no one that can control, decide or choose anything. Things happen and that is really all there is to it. When it feels like we are choosing or deciding something, what is happening is engagement with activity in the mind and the illusion that there is someone engaging with it. So what are you responsible for? Nothing! And that is such a liberating thing to see! Is the bird responsible for flying? Or for the color of the sky? Is a fish responsible for the way it swims? Are your lungs responsible for breathing or your hands responsible for grabbing things correctly? Are you responsible for being here?

6) Anything to add?

I feel like, as a guide, my approach would be to keep pointing to the simplest things perceived, such as colors, bodily sensations, sounds, and engage in as little mind chatter as possible. I do not feel it's useful to discuss issues to any length, but instead continuously redirect the attention to what is undeniable and self-explanatory in experience.

I can't wait to get started! It feels exciting and beautiful.

Love,
Laura

Sweet, thank you!
I am sure you will make a great guide.
Welcome ❤️