Dear warissem,
Apologies that this is slightly late, needed time to. Really sit down and do it.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. There is no 'self',, 'me' or I at all anywhere or in any shape or form. It is an illusion.
2) Give in your own words what the illusion of separate self is and how it shows up in experience. Also, through your inquiry, what is different NOW?
The illusion of the separate self imagines that there is a driver if this body, one that thinks, feels, experiences, that controls these things, that 'drives'. The illusion shows up in layers of thought also, that there a thinker behind the thought which is in fact just another thought. The illusion comes up also in concepts like form, the experience of inside, outside, boundaries when it comes to the body itself, where direct experience is then channelled into ideas of the self or the physical form which is also just imaginary. The only thing that is real is what is directly experienced through the senses, there is no past or future, just what is happening to this body right now.
Through this inquiry this illusion is very clearly perceived. When I remember, it is so clear that there is no driver, there is a real sense of quiet inside. It is also easy to see it in others.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few DAYS.
There is a peace and quiet inside. It is much easier to experience trains of thought or intense feelings as it is clear that they are just constructions.. There is a sense of distance now from the world somehow also, I feel a bit like watching and acting in a film even if it can feel so real sometimes.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you LOOK?
Because I have been deeply calling/invoking for no-self for almost 6 months and recently had a life 'meltdown' of sorts where I think some part that identified with the self left.
Ohhh... In terms of the inquiry on this thread you mean?
The big shift was realising that the thinker is just another thought arising from no where. That really enables the letting go.
5) a) Describe decision,
intention,
free will,
choice and control.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Hmm now for me, decision just happens, sometimes with thought, Sometimes without, either way it happens out of nowhere. Intention also exists, the thought to do something or get somewhere, again it appears out of nowhere. Free will, choice and control - what do all that even mean if there is no self? There has always been freedom and choice happens yet there is also a pattern to these things, and an entire universe that is working intelligently, in many ways all the above are illusions and things flow if one surrenders and does not resist.. The signs are all there for what needs to be done or not done.
For example, during the vipassana I very much wanted to run away. It came to a breaking point and the decision was made to go to the teacher and quit (even as there was a thought to let this flow and see what happens after approaching the teacher). On approaching the teacher they suggested a relaxation technique and rest, which I listened to. This would previously not have happened - as determinism traits would have wanted to follow the decision through and leave. Such instances have happened a few times now, of letting things flow and then decisions dont have to be 'made', they just flow.
How it happens I do not know. It is clear now that 'nik' doesn't exist as a separate entity, only an identification with a construction of thoughts, emotions, personality and so on.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this WORKS.
What am I responsible for? Hmm.. Nothing really. Responsibility feels just as much an illusion as choice. There is just flow and listening at the heart of it. There is 'work' and 'responsibilities' in my life but I am starting to shed what is coming from the egoic self and I am listening for rightness now and moving towards that form rather than in terms of obligations and commitments. Work happens, planning happens but through the listening to flow rather than resisting.
6) Anything to ADD?
Thanks again!! I have a question for the schizophrenic nature of this work (at least as I'm experiencing it) sometimes in the egoic self and other times free of it, that is a natural step? Sometimes there is fear that all this is understood on a mental level but not yet embodied.
Thank you,
Nik