The Gate

Okay, no worries. Don't leave it too long though, work with it while it's fresh if you can ... keep the fire burning so it doesn't go out ;)

Awesome, you're doing really nice work Aster, I'm really happy for you, well done :)
Tell me about little bit more about when you 'got it'. What exactly triggered it? What was it like and how did you feel before/during/after? What has changed? How do feel now?

I'm back now, sorry. I still don't think it was one prompt event... and I still feel really trapped in patterns that I know are false, but that doesn't make them any less real for me.

When I "got it", I was sitting on my bed at the cottage, playing computer games, and just realized that how I reacted to events in the game (etc) was a product of my biological state (I'm more easily annoyed, for example, when hungry).

In a lot of ways, I felt relieved, that the outcome of life isn't in doubt, and that (since I have no free will, per se) my past mistakes aren't my fault, but the result of patterns that I can work to change, or work to reduce their influence moving forward. I know that sounds like a basic paradox... but the sense that I mean it is that the patterns that influence me are subject to change over time, but the capital P Pattern of the universe isn't. Along the same lines, if we don't like the laws our congressmen are passing, we can choose to elect ones who will behave differently. That doesn't make us not subject on a local level to (say) the speed limit, but it does mean that the speed limit is not an inherent part of the universe or of the design of cars.

If that makes any sense. As for what has changed - the only thing that has changed is that I'm aware that I have no fundamental, static, existence. Sometimes I still behave as if I did, just as sometimes I react emotionally to events in a fictional movie, but once I realize I'm doing so, I can work on working my way out of it.

Well said Aster. It appears that you are seeing the nature of nonduality, and how it relates to no-self, quite clearly.
I'd like to ask you one last question, which I think is an interesting and pertinent one to discuss, especially post-gate - When you say "I", what are you referring to?
Also, I think now would be a good time to raise any doubts or questions of your own, should you have any (although I don't see any immediate confusion in your responses). It is of course beneficial to be as thorough as possible... and there is no such thing as "done", really. Stepping through the gateless gate is a first step just as much as it is a last step!