Namaste Simon,
As I start answering these questions, tears of gratitude arise. I still cannot believe that I have seen through the illusion. It just seems unbelievable. There is a wonder, “Have I really seen through it!!!” Sensations in the stomach. Throat chokes. Teary eyes. A smile on the face. And a bowing down.
1)Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was
there ever?
No, there is no separate entity ‘self’, ‘me’, ‘I’, at all, in any way, shape or form. Yes. There is none. No. There never was any separate self.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from
your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Well, I do not know when or how it starts. All I see is that I have lived so many years of my life believing I am a separate individual with likes and dislikes, with a name and form, with certain positive and negative qualities. And I have tried so hard to improve myself, enlighten myself, free and liberate myself. And still, I could never reach my goal and always felt incomplete and lacking.
The illusion of separate self is to believe I really exist as an individual entity and I am the doer, controller, and manager of my life, body, mind, emotions, and energy.
Maybe, it started because everyone around me was existing like this: a separate individual entity. They were taking themselves very seriously and we're thinking about their past and future. They were acting as if they are really in control of their lives. Maybe, I just learned it from them because there was no other way. I was encouraged to behave in a particular way. I was rewarded, loved and appreciated for being in a particular way and punished, rejected for behaving in ‘bad’ ways. I remember I was encouraged by my parents to exercise my choice, my independent will. In fact, I was taught that I have to think for myself, my future and what I wanted to become. I was subtly indicated that I was not enough as I was. I must become something more. So, in order to be included, to belong, to be loved, appreciated and approved of maybe I did what others were doing and suggesting. There was no other way. This was all I knew. And I was scared to really question this all and trust my own knowing.
I see that the illusion of separate self works because of fear. It is fear and in fact fear of really looking into and past the fear that keeps up the illusion. Fear seems so overwhelming and paralyzing.
But now I see that the fear is really a phantom. When really looked into and embraced and experienced fully, it passes away and clarity comes. It is nothing more than intense sensations coupled with a narration.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.
Before I started this dialogue, I was seeking. There was some restlessness and a striving to get something, to grasp something. That something was the truth. I intellectually understood that there was no ‘I”, But I clearly was living as a separate individual who was in the process of unfolding the truth. I believed I needed to look and find. At the same time, I was getting tired of seeking and not finding, not realizing. I was getting frustrated.
Now, when I see this, I cannot really believe that it was simple. Definitely it did not seem easy. But it is really simple if one is totally ready to look with honesty. Well, I do not really experience some grand happening, or unending bliss or something extraordinary. Life is going on as usual. Emotions, thoughts, patterns, actions are all coming up and going. Nothing has changed as such. Business as usual. However, there is clear seeing and knowing that there is really no “I”. Whenever the ‘I’ pops us, with or without emotions, it is not taken that seriously. I know that ‘I” is not true. Everything is effortless. There is a clear knowing that everything is all happening and I am not doing anything. Nothing is really in my control. Whenever I remember that I have seen through the illusion, there is just wonder, gratitude, and disbelief. Really, I still cannot believe this. There is just awe. And yes, I notice a feeling to share it with others. The urge to read more and striving to understand more is not there. It at all it comes up, it is noticed and a smile and tears of gratitude well up. :)
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
I cannot really pinpoint it. But I think it’s when I really became honest about my fears and looked into it in conversation with Simon, then the willingness and readiness to really look came. I remember that evening feeling very sad. Then I started writing what I was feeling and then I just prayed to the Divine and my Guru to let me see through the illusion. Then I felt like picking up the book, GATELESS GATECRAHERS, once again. I had already read it fully once. I thought, let me read it now slowly and really answer the questions asked. As I read the introduction and the foreword especially about standing at the Gate and the guide, I cried. I cried a lot. When it asked, are you ready? I took my time. Finished crying and then came the yes, I am ready. Then I went through the first conversation between Ilona and Philip and in the first question, only Ilona asked Philip to really consider the possibility that there is no ‘you’ in real life. Everything is happening, without a manager and write down whatever comes up honestly. I followed the instructions and wrote whatever came up honestly. There was denial, some fear and lots of crying and sobbing. Automatically, I questioned whatever I wrote and I looked and saw that there is really no separate self, no ‘I ‘and it’s just a narration. There were just tears of gratitude and I cried. :) I think it was not really my efforts, but my prayer and surrender which lead me to really looking with honesty and total readiness.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen?
How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I see that there is no one to make decisions. I am not really making any decision. The decision is already made and is followed. Like right now. I am not deciding what to type. There is just typing happening and words are coming on their own. There is no one to control, dictate and manage this.
The intention is a thought without any more stories or emotions. It’s just a simple thought and it is followed by what we call the voluntary system. Now, I have no idea where the intentions come. They just come out of nowhere and I become aware of them only once they have come. Like, the intention arose to answer these questions. So automatically the necessary actions of opening the laptop and starting typing started happening. Yes, there was space and noticing in between, focussing on whatever intention arose during typing. So an intention arises, the focus goes on it and then the voluntary system simply starts following it. Now, the description in terms of thinking gives the illusion that the so-called voluntary actions are performed by ‘me’. But I see it clearly that this is not the case.
There is no choice, or I can say that choices are already made and then they are followed. There is nobody to make choices. They are just intentions manifesting themselves.
There is no control. While I am writing this, can I really control this activity of typing? I can decide to stop typing. But then again typing starts happening. What happens in the process is that when the intention to stop typing comes, the focus shifts to the voluntary muscles. These muscles get tensed giving the impression that I am stopping the typing. But as soon as the intention is released, typing starts again. Like just right now. So, control is just an illusion.
Now, I do not know what makes things happen. All I see is that things are just happening, the sense perceptions are appearing and disappearing, the thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations, intentions, noticing, it is all just happening. Yes, there is a sense of being, presence, a silence that feels very alive. This is what is always there in the background. Or I can say that everything is coming and going in this alive silence only.
On seeing that there is no separate entity, ‘I’, how can I be responsible for anything. There is no ‘me’ to be responsible for anything. I see that taking responsibility is just happening.
"Everything is just one flow", Simon, this is something I am not getting.
I see that it all happening. But one flow???
Love,
Apoorva