Looking for guidance - am tired of the cycle of becoming

[Seeker2019]

I feel a sadness, a sort of nostalgia. Something feels like it's dying just a little bit. Something says, no it's it true. But mostly sadness, like when a relationship ends and you can't yet admit it, but know it's true, and just before the tears come you shut down, try to push it away. There is a reluctance to go deeper into this feeling

[Seeker2019]

Sorry the one sentence is "Something says, no it's not true.

[Seamist]

There's done doubt? A resistance? Fear?

[Seamist]

That should have read: there's some doubt? Resistance? Fear?
Just lightly explore if you can
I'm going to bed now, speak again tomorrow
X

[Seeker2019]

Yes, some doubt, but mostly resistance. Today no fear.

[Seamist]

What's the resistance about, do you think?

[Seeker2019]

Not wanting to go away, not wanting to loose my identity. Also fear of the unknown

[Seamist]

Hi Alex
Interesting that you say:

not wanting to loose my identity. Also fear of the unknown

Shall we explore that further? Particularly the fear.

Notice that it's a protective mechanism. If there is no self, then there is nothing that needs to be protected, right?

The fear itself is like a door, it holds you from looking behind the door. But it's just fear. It’s ok for it to be here, it is only doing its job.
Just let it be there, acknowledge its presence with respect and gratitude, check where it feels physically in the body. Notice sensation.
What is fear itself?
What is it protecting?
What needs to be protected?
What is that feels threatened?
Ask it to reveal why it’s here, what it is trying to tell you, ask the fear to share its wisdom.

Honor the feeling. Bow to it, thank it for doing its job. Notice, it is here to protect, it's a friend. Fear is really love in disguise. It is only showing you where to look, the dark areas.
Now, look behind it.
Is there anything behind the fear?
if so, what? And what is behind that?
x Sioned

[Seeker2019]

I agree, we should explore that further. I was a bit surprised by that.

I seem to go in circles. Behind the fear I find this sadness. The fear feels like protection against looking deeper. The sadness is somehow also a fear, a fear of loosing everything, loosing my identity. Especially my memories, the good and bad ones. If there is no one, the whole story of my past seems to be about nothing, the hardship I suffered, the joy I had, why? What for? I feel sentimental about this. Alex is a nice guy, I don't want him to vanish.

If I try to find what is behind that: There is this voice, a thought: what will happen to me? For a moment there was nothing else, just this thought.

[Seeker2019]

Is it ok to do this exercise more than once, or should I wait for the next instruction / question?

[Seamist]

It's fine to do it more than over if you want to do that, but it's not necessary

[Seamist]

So up to you. Why did you think of doing it again?

[Seeker2019]

I thought maybe it's a helpful to do it again, to get deeper into the experience

[Seamist]

I thought maybe it's a helpful to do it again, to get deeper into the experience

There's certainly no reason not to do it (or any other exercise) again if you feel it could be helpful

[Seeker2019]

Ok, then I wait for the next :)