Searching for the socks I never owned

[Jadzia]

This was very interesting and very obvious once i did it. I could not call up an emotion without calling on a thought first. So this means there is no emotion without thought first.

Thought doesn't 'create' emotion but without thought there just might be a physical sensation, coming and disappearing. Just being noticed.

The label thoughts add will be followed by more thoughts called memory of what seem to be similar life situations or what has been watched in a film or or or.....One thought never comes on its own. ;-)

If someone makes you angry it is not what is actually being said but the thoughts about it that are causing the emotion.

Thoughts can't cause anything, but I get what you mean, without adding a whole story the other person just said something- there would be just hearing.

Is there anyone or a someone who could take for example an insult personal?

Good work.

Love,
Jadzia

[bonniewonder]

Hello,

I think if someone is attached to the false sense of self they will be insulted or offended.I realise when I am offended by something that it is just my hangups, my inscurities that have happened to the story of Bonnie; Something is just hitting 'my shit' This is a great realisation but still extremely difficult to put into practise. I try this often, especially with my husband but sometimes I find the things he says can stick to me and hurt me and I say but who is upset by this and that helps, but not all the time.
I feel that I need practical things I can do to constantly be aware that I am not me, it is all too easy to slip back into old habits.
Also does emotion exist at all? Or is it just bodily sensation? For example I received some sad news yesterday and first it was a bodily sensation but then all my thoughts exasperated the feeling. With out the thought does sadness or grief even exist?

Another question I had was, for example if you had a bodily sensation, sexual desire for example and your body is 'saying' have sex with that woman, surely thought in most cases interveens and says thats not a good idea, you have a wife and child at home. Which is to believed in this situation, the initial direct experience or the thoughts after.
Is there not also the case of values?
And who has these values?

Thank you again for taking the time to reply to my ramblings.

Bonnie

[Jadzia]

Your are welcome, Bonnie! No need to give thanks, actually guiding is interesting and fun.

I think if someone is attached to the false sense of self they will be insulted or offended.I realise when I am offended by something that it is just my hangups, my inscurities that have happened to the story of Bonnie; Something is just hitting 'my shit'

Whom do these hang-ups, insecurities belong to – is there an entity to whom they belong?
Is there something which really ‘happens’ in the Bonnie story?
If you watch a film you do know that nothing of what is shown happening in the film happens right now while you are watching, or?
Even with a film after a true story, or?
If you use AE and you look at the screen is a story happening or not?
If you observe thought there is seemingly a story happening, if you look in your actual experience what is there?

Take your time with this and look and look again and again.

I try this often, especially with my husband but sometimes I find the things he says can stick to me and hurt me and I say but who is upset by this and that helps, but not all the time.
I feel that I need practical things I can do to constantly be aware that I am not me, it is all too easy to slip back into old habits.

All of it is habit and it takes a while to get out of it, it will fade with the time.
A good question is always to take a good look and ask what do I find in AE. Are the thoughts pointing to something real, which is a similar way of asking “Is this really true?”, both work well.

Also does emotion exist at all? Or is it just bodily sensation? For example I received some sad news yesterday and first it was a bodily sensation but then all my thoughts exasperated the feeling. With out the thought does sadness or grief even exist?

Go on looking, you are close to answering your own question.

Please lets have the other question on hold, you will be able to answer it for yourself soon.

Love,
Jadzia

[Jadzia]

Is everything ok? Got stuck with the questions?

Love,
Jadzia

[bonniewonder]

Hello,

Sorry for the late reply, all of us have had a sickness bug so its been a tough week.

Whom do these hang-ups, insecurities belong to – is there an entity to whom they belong?
No, they dont belong to any entity, its a series of negative thoughts that have accumulated over time and maybe a bit like confirmation bias we believe the thoughts that reinforce the insecurities and hangups so we believe them to be part of the self.

Is there something which really ‘happens’ in the Bonnie story?
Life happens through me, not to me.

Sorry i will write the rest on a computer, this phone isnt working

[bonniewonder]

The Bonnie Story - I can understand that life is happening through me rather than to me but I still can not get my head around making it personal. Its like on an intelectual/practical level I get it. But I cant put it into practise. We often speak about actual experience but for me its more or less impossible to stay with the AE. Maybe for 3 Seconds! Before a thought pops up saying, this is actual experience! Thoughts are going through my head all day long and most of the time I am unaware until I go to bed and just say STOP!

If you watch a film you do know that nothing of what is shown happening in the film happens right now while you are watching
I am aware that it is watching, hearing through me, yes nothing is happening now, other than the actual exprience I am having through my senses. although that is not th case, al sorts of thoughts interrupt while watching a film, triggered memories, faces, places. Again, its hard to stay with the AE.

Even with a film after a true story, or?
The events ar only happening in the moment they are happening and then it just becomes part of the story.

If you use AE and you look at the screen is a story happening or not?
I want to say no, its audio, visual perception but of course there must be a story as why would anyone watch fim? The brain is able to link together the images/ audio and follow a story? This qustion confused me somewhat.

If you observe thought there is seemingly a story happening, if you look in your actual experience what is there?
If I observe thought there is no story, its scattered, unpredictable. If I said out loud all the thoughts in my head I would just be seen as neurotic and disfunctional! And I understand this is probably the case for the vast majority. I just dont understand why this habit is so hard to break? I was going to write I am strong willed so I should be able to do it but then I thought, who is strong willed? WHO wants to live a life without the self, where is this desire coming from?? Is it the brain?
AE is life happening through me, that I have no control of, what will happen will happen regardess of how much I try and control events; I just think we are programmed to protect ourselves, what exactly are we submitting to without a self? I answered that question, its freedom but at the moment it seems unattainable.

Thanks,

Bonnie.xxx

[Jadzia]

Oh dear, I hope everybody is fit again.

Thank you for for writing so honestly! This helps a lot.

I see, there is an expectations which is getting in the way right now. It is a common enough one.
“Seeing through the illusion is the beginning of only living in the actual experience, thoughts will be more or less quiet or/and the story will stop, wear thin, don’t affect life any longer.”
This usually doesn’t happen or put in another way it usually doesn’t happen after the first step, which gating is.

We use looking into what can be found in AE as mean to get somewhere, the aim isn’t to stay in AE the whole time or even to try to – though it is a good idea to train being more aware of what is there, what happens.
So what you can do now is relax and take all the pressure away. All is fine and you are doing very well up to now.
Another reason to take pressure off is that the added pressure makes it much harder to see and experience something which in fact is lying in the open. Looking in a light way (light as a butterfly) and relaxing are wonderful keys to get through the Gate. It is just a tiny shift, so easily overlooked.

Please, take a close look at all possible expectations about how you should do this, how gating will be, or what will change. Write it all down and we will have a look at it together.
Expectations can cause quite some frustration, right= ;-)

I can understand that life is happening through me rather than to me but I still can not get my head around making it personal.

Life isn’t happening through you, between the seemingly you and life is no difference at all – the you isn’t separate from life.
And
Don’t even try making it personal.

Let this sink in and go expectation hunting.

Love,
Jadzia

[bonniewonder]

Hello,

Thank you, that has helped alot.

I think my expctations are/were that there would be some kind of significant shift or at least thats what I was working towards. I also thought the aim was to stay with the present experience for as long as possible which of course is incredibly frustrating when it cant be achieved by me for long periods of time. If Im honest I have the expectation that I want a quick fix solution, after reading so many books for so long and feeling like you havent moved forward only adds to that frustration.
I think from gating I expected my thought to decrease or at least find a better way of managing them/disattatching from them.
And the frustration is also I understand the logic of it but cant move past that point.
I see that these frustrations must get in the way and are blocking what is right in front of me.

Thanks,

Bonnie

[Jadzia]

And the frustration is also I understand the logic of it but cant move past that point.
I see that these frustrations must get in the way and are blocking what is right in front of me.

In this case the frustration is the key!
Well groomed beliefs don't go down without some resistance and frustration is a form of resistance. At the same time it is a door, which protects something, which might have needed protection - so there is nothing wrong with that.

Sit with the frustration, don't fight it, embrace it.
Take some quiet time and allow frustration fully, allow the feeling in your body, allow all thoughts and just have a close look what frustration protects and what is behind it.
First step: Allowing it, giving it love.

Second step: Giving it your hearfelt thanks for the wonderful job it did up to now.

Third step: Ask if you can look behind it.

Just do this lovingly and caringly and allow whatever wants to show/unfold to do so.

Do this and share what you find.

Love,
Jadzia

[bonniewonder]

Hello,

I found this really difficult as I found myself resistant to even look at it, my thoughts would move onto something else, constantly trying to move away from it.
Firstly to get with the frustration I had to have the frustrating thoughts, which of course were easy to muster. It was mainly, you cant do this, you're too attached to your mind etc etc. I tried to concentrate on my AE which was a tightness in the chest and at the back of my neck and a heaviness in the stomach. When I tried to examine this further my overiding sense was fear, like a fear of stepping over the void.
When I tried to look behind the frustration, the only way I can explain it was there was infinity but there was still something like the string on a balloon that was still attached to my body which came back to the bodily sensation in my stomach.

I hope this makes sense, they are the best words I can find to describe it.

Thanks,

Bonnie.x

[Jadzia]

Good work so far, Bonnie! Courageous and good.

I tried to concentrate on my AE which was a tightness in the chest and at the back of my neck and a heaviness in the stomach. When I tried to examine this further my overiding sense was fear, like a fear of stepping over the void.
When I tried to look behind the frustration, the only way I can explain it was there was infinity but there was still something like the string on a balloon that was still attached to my body which came back to the bodily sensation in my stomach.

Yes, “like a fear of stepping over the void” this is what it can feel like, giving up one of the strongest beliefs we stick to – the belief in a self, separate from everything.
And yes, there is fear. Fear is as much protection as is frustration.
Interesting is that fear or other forms of resistance protect something very very valuable, too:…..” the only way I can explain it was there was infinity”. Sometimes the greatest gifts lay behind fear! It is better to walk towards it than avoid it.

Are you ready to tackle this again?

If yes: Go back to the feeling in the body. Again ask what it protects.
Breathe deeply and remember: Fear means no harm.

The sensation you might feel, does it know anything of fear or is it in fear?
Does thought know anything of fear? Is thought in fear?

When you are clear about this – ask again what it protects.

Look behind everything you find. Do this with appreciation and love for what you find.
Breathe deeply.

Repeat it again and again until the sensation slowly fades or feels more comfortable.

Two things about fear which are good to know:
Fear looks only big from afar – the closer you get the less you can notice.
Fear and relaxation are like polar bears and penguins. Polar bears live at the north pole, penguins at the south pole. They simply don’t exist in the same place.
Same with fear and relaxation. As strange as it sounds relax into fear. This is the best short cut ever.

Stay with this exercise as long as it is needed. It will get easier and easier.

I will pn you the exercise in the longer version.

Love,
Jadzia

[bonniewonder]

Hello,

I am finding this one quite difficult, when i get to the fear and keep asking the question 'what are you protecting' the only reply i get is 'me' im confused as I think this is just thought arguing with thought.
I feel that fear is nothing more than a series of uncomfortable feelings in the body.
I will investigate further.

Bonnie

[Jadzia]

I am finding this one quite difficult, when i get to the fear and keep asking the question 'what are you protecting' the only reply i get is 'me' im confused as I think this is just thought arguing with thought.

Yes, the 'me' is protected, it is a shield, an explanation to understand what life is, how everything works. This is what thoughts do - explain, sort experiences into a bigger picture - a why does all this happen, how is it happening.
So the shield is protected, that is ok. Fear arises, fine, it is a wonderful pointer.

I feel that fear is nothing more than a series of uncomfortable feelings in the body.

Do these feelings in the body know of being fear or uncomfortable? Or are they just raw experience?

If we are strictly using AE fear is:
physical feeling + a body (in which it is happening) + a labeling thought (label=fear, labeling it uncomfortable)

Go on, you are on the right track. :-)

Love,
Jadzia

[bonniewonder]

Hello,

Thank you for your patience with this one.

Firstly I found focus very difficult, my thoughts would move onto various other things rather than getting with the emotion. I find emotion very difficult to not take ownership of, even though I'm aware I cant feel an emotion without the thought. So if there is no me, who is getting upset/frustrated/feeling fear and if there is nothing why does the emotion arise in the first place? When I'm angry for example I try and not attach it and say, there is anger but because its happening in the body that I have learned to call mine, its difficult to see that it is not happening to me. How do I learn to see my body as a seperate entity just experiencing life.
My thoughts want to label every experience, sensation, feeling, somtimes it just seems too ingrained to change it around.

No, I dont believe that the feelings in the body know fear, fear is the label we have given to it. I cant say its raw experience though because it has come from thought and thought cant be raw experience, just our senses can.
When I found fear? not necessarily about gating just that feeling of wanting to pull away, I was able to relax into it a little but more often a thought interjected to take my focus away from it.

I feel like I am a little stuck at the moment.

Thanks,

Bonnie

[Jadzia]

Focusing on emotions in a gentle way without drifting off is something one learns with the time. If you drift off, fine, it is ok, simply get back – without judging yourself.
It is beautiful that you can relax into fear a bit more.

So if there is no me, who is getting upset/frustrated/feeling fear and if there is nothing why does the emotion arise in the first place?

Let’s get clear about this – is there no me? At all?
What most certainly isn’t there is a separate entity called me/I/Bonnie/self, which is separate from what is. There never was any separation other than in thought, as a belief.
And yet we can say there is a someone, a character, who carries the label Bonnie.
But is Bonnie the thinker of thoughts?
The thinker of thoughts which label experience?

If you feel an emotion do you decide what to label it or is it a learned label?
Does a very young child know any label for a physical feeling or does it just notices a raw sensation?
Does it know what a certain feeling in the belly is called? Or does it learn with time that this feelings can be called fear or belly ache or constipation?

So does an ‘emotion’ arise or is there a raw sensation, which is labeled in the blink of an eye with a thought one notices?
Can a label be felt?
So what is really felt?

No, I dont believe that the feelings in the body know fear, fear is the label we have given to it. I cant say its raw experience though because it has come from thought and thought cant be raw experience, just our senses can.

Believe or know? ;-)
Yes, fear is a learned label, right?
What we call emotions are just labels, trying to explain what is felt as raw sensation.

And it is not wrong to call a sensation anger or whatever – it so helps other people to understand what you mean and are talking about – labels are useful for communication.

Ponder the questions for a while and share what you find.
We will look into "I am the body", which is one of the strong beliefs connected to the belief in the self, next.

Love,
Jadzia