Hello Robyn, thank you!
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. These are all labels, thoughts, that don't point to anything. It's a mental concept which dissolves as soon as you look directly at it.
There never was a self, only experience. There is uniqueness, different points of experience, but no self who owns, observes, or creates the experience.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion is the belief in an imaginary "self" who is in charge and owns every experience (everything happens "to it", or "it decided" to do something, "it understands" - basically it is the subject of every experience).
This belief in an imaginary separate self creates the illusion of separateness from everything that is not "I", seperation from life itself. The illusion creates the - honestly, sick - view of being alieneted from life, that somehow this self is not a part of this huge experience of life which created every experience in the first place, the illusion that somehow it's not life living itself!
The way I see it now, at a young age begins a process of labeling experience, probably alongside the development of language, it's a process of boxing every experience into a particular label.
This whole process of labeling experience and making maps from direct experience is done trough thought, self referencing, like a computer program with many different parts interacting, yet there is no person, no central entity or a manager to this process.
It's a very useful process, but a problem happens. The program learns through language, through the concept of subject and object, and enviormental conditioning, that it is actually seperate self, and a thus a new belief is created.
The thing is, unlike the labels "table", "shoes", "body" etc., the label "self" doesn't point to anything real within direct experience!
I have memories from early childhood, in which it was clear that "I" don't exist, and experience just kept on flowing together with everything else, but at other times this belief was starting to take hold.
So that probably means that the constant social conditioning that goes on in modern society, through language, and the fact that no one ever teaches or even considers the possibility of
questioning it, causes the belief in a "self" to become more and more habitual.
As people grow up, they are living more and more in the imaginary maps and stories they created, and direct experience becomes a rare occurance.
And... the illusory nature of the self can only be seen through direct experience, which is why it seems rare to have this simple insight.
When I looked at direct experience (which I can now say "when looking happend" because it's so clear that there was no "I" who initiated it), and kept returning to it again and again,
I was amazed at how I've spent SO MUCH time living through these maps, concepts, beliefs, and labels (which include of course the belief in a separate me), and how they are all just
thoughts arising and disappearing. It's like living in a virtual reality!
When this belief takes hold, there's this constant tension of trying to protect this "self", alienation from the enviorment, and a whole lot of new (and destructive!) beliefs that all stem from the same root. This is so absurd, it's like a cell in the body of Life is sick and its belief in a self causes it to wreak havoc throughout Life's body in the name of something that never even existed.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There are some fluctuations.. I might be busy at work and operate through the lens of a self, or maybe start philosophizing about whether there's a hidden deeper meaning of no-self and questioning how come people spend decades to reach this insight and ridicule those who claim to have seen so quickly without traditional practice.
But then.. there's a spontaneous reminder of the simple reality of it all, and the direct experience of the moment shows so clearly that there isn't any self, and I literally laugh out loud at the thoughts "I" had earlier.
There are still questions about the nature of things, and old beliefs coming up, but after seeing the truth they all just seem to be thought patterns - a process of clearing.
I guess I expected that after the seeing there would be a sudden shift, a *click* and everything changes, but it appears to be a gradual process.
As for the differences from before I started this dialogue and now...
There's a sense of relief, like releasing a burden by not needing to protect this figment of the imagination, this thought of a separate self. It's so much easier to let experience unfold by itself.
I don't know, it's hard to pin-point the exact effects, it's like experiencing life through a different perspective.
Not really like an altered state because everything is the same.. but on the other hand it feels very much like an altered state! There's a rigidness that gets more and more loose and flexible.
Hard to describe this feeling of same-but-different. Relief, trust, curiousity, groundedness, are some words that come up.
In one way, nothing really changed, but how could it? there wasn't a self in the first place! It's still just sensations, feelings, sights, sounds and thoughts.. experience flowing like it always has been.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Constantly returning to Direct Experience was like the pillar of seeing, but the last push I think was when I grappled with the arm-moving exercise, and then looked at the doer.
Here's the bit I'm talking about from my original post:
I took a break, and came back to try it again.
The arm is moving, there is movement which itself doesn't seem to come from any doer. It's just happening.
This time I'm looking at the counting, the intention to start/keep/stop moving the arm, and the thoughts evaluating the process in real-time, through Direct Experience, and they all seem to happen by themselves! just like everything else. Yes there is intention, evaluation etc. but they happen without anyone initiating them.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
No one
makes things happen. Every intention and choice simply arises, followed by doing, all happening by itself. There is no middleman to this process, there is no and cannot be any control over this process, there is no one who controls, intends, decides etc.
"I" sit in front of the computer, typing this answer.
There is a seeing of the question, interpretation of its meaning, thoughts constructing an answer, then there is an intention to type, movement of the fingers, while thoughts analyze the process in real time. No manager, no controller, no person at all! It's clear as clear can be.
This whole process just happens, it's ridiculous to think otherwise when actually looking at it. Kind of like bubbles floating to the surface from nowhere.
...
Alright Robyn, I hope that's enough for now
Waiting to hear back from you :)