no next

[Steven257]

You seem to be seeing and then doubting. Let go.

I am still at work. I read the quoted part of your response and started to cry. Luckily, no one walked in or I would have had some explaining to do, although that would have been ok. Sometimes that crying happens when I hear something that resonates and I feel something deeply and it gets to a place deep inside of me which is somehow bittersweet...hard to explain exactly. Different from the laughter and actually the crying feels really good and like a pressure is being released or I am mourning for something.

Anyway, I will do the exercises, starting to night when I go home. I read the first part of it. It sounds great. Thanks again.

[Anastacia42]

Steve,
That is precious & beautiful.
Looking forward to your next response.
Love,

[Steven257]

Just read your last response. Crying again. This happened to me at my first nonduality retreat a few years ago when a deeper understanding arose.

Now, that bittersweet sadness again and a feeling that I am just soooo tired of trying so hard! I can see that I am getting in the way of myself.

It is a bit confusing to me why some people feel elation when they feel more open. That deep feeling of bliss happened to me once when I was about 22 years old, but now the peace and crying seem linked when there is a recognition of a deeper level of reality. Like I wrote before, it is a good-type of crying in that there is an opening and a peace and a connection to deeper levels of awareness.

And now, what usually happens is I over intellectualize and overthink. How can I not do that? It really gets in the way...getting lost in thought.

[Anastacia42]

Hi Steven,

I over intellectualize and overthink

To answer your last question first: simply by focusing on direct experience and accepting the fact that thinking continues. There is a difference between thinking happening and "being lost" in thinking. Have you noticed? Just observe that thinking is happening.

A sense of relaxation is essential to seeing. It isn't something to force, or work at. If you find yourself intellectualizing and over thinking, stop. Take a break. Come back fresh later. What you are seeing is already there and you already know that - perhaps since you were 22.

The elation comes and goes. It is not a constant thing. Letting go of expecting nonstop bliss will help. This isn't about feeling good or blissing out, although it sometimes shows up. Just relax.

Crying like that I call "truth tears." Lately, I've been calling it "clarity" because it sidesteps the thorny issue of what is meant by the word, "truth." It is a beautiful thing.

Do the exercise posted before, and also start noticing - are you actually *lost* in thought? Or is thinking just happening? You already posted that you are not controlling thought. Let it flow.

Much love,

[Steven257]

Did the exercise again:
slightly deeper feeling that the sensations in the body had no connection to the images in the mirror.
movement of hand also felt somewhat less connected to the image in the mirror.
i could somewhat separate the movement of the hand with the sensations of the hand while looking at the hand.
image in the mirror for short moments seemed unrelated to the sensations in the body.
while walking, somewhat less localized to the room with slight deepening of feeling of sensations only, but still need to do this again.

At the beginning of the exercise, I noticed the movement of a tree in a window that I was observing through the mirror. That was pretty cool as it seemed only a bit different from the movement of the hand.

[Anastacia42]

Excellent.

Keep focusing on the direct experience, notice what is a thought & what is experience.

Much love,

[Steven257]

notice what is a thought & what is experience

I did the experiment three times today and just finished. One consistent pattern in all of the steps is that I noticed just how convincing the thoughts are that there is a separate body and self. I was better able to discriminate between the thoughts and the direct experience, this last time.

The most challenging part of it was that when I was breathing normally and looking in the mirror, although the image in the mirror was clearly different from that which was sensing the breathing, the image in the mirror precisely matched the sensations. So, with my scientific mind, I was doubting the whole process. Isn't it true that there is a body breathing? I sense that breathing and see that body in the mirror. I feel the breathing but don't feel the tree moving, which is visible in the reflection from outside. So, the sensing relates to the body which feels like it is more "me" than the tree.There is something in the mirror, not nothing and it certainly seems like a body. A body that relates to the sensations and is used to perceive the world.

[Anastacia42]

Good evening, Steven!

Great practicing!

Remember that reality is what stays even when we don't believe it. It requires no effort. So when you notice

how convincing the thoughts are that there is a separate body and self.

the "convincing" part is the clue that it is not real. What we are looking for (and at) takes no convincing, no belief, nothing. It is simply there, unnoticed, hidden by layers of stories and beliefs we are barely aware of any more. Beliefs given to us in childhood. "See, Steven, that's a tree. 'Can you say, "tree?'" That was no tree. That part is fiction, made up, a convenience for communication & no more, but we dived in and bought it hook, line and sinker, forgetting how completely made up and illusory it was.

Now you are undoing that, seeing what is and not what we have to "convince" ourselves of.

I was better able to discriminate between the thoughts and the direct experience, this last time.

Excellent! Very important. Keep practicing that. Describe only direct experience. Let the thinking just be there as the nothing that it is, and focus on your direct experience.

Tomorrow, when you write what your Direct Experience (only) was, try doing it 2 different ways:

First, write about it using "I."

Then, rewrite it without using "I," like this:

I saw my hand in the mirror. I moved my hand.

Seeing hand in the mirror. Hand moving.

And describe how they feel different, maybe even which seems truer.

Have a great evening!

[Steven257]

Stacy,

My direct experience today is brain fog for some reason. I will try exercises at home as I cannot do them at work today. No good place to do it. Not quite sure why I feel foggy although I did not sleep well last night. Never sure how to practice when focusing is so difficult. I am staying with the feeling of fatigue and distraction without trying to change it. Definitely have the thought that I am not making progress today although I realize that is extremely simplistic and inaccurate.

[Anastacia42]

Hi,

I've had that too, mostly because of low blood sugar.

One way to practice when you have brain fog is ask yourself who is this person that has brain fog? Look carefully for the person who is experiencing this.

Or, just give it a rest.

Report back when you can

Much love,

[Steven257]

Hi Stacy,

Not sure if you are in the same time zone, but good evening?

Did the exercise tonight. I will write about the direct experience. While doing the exercise, I did not use the word "I" so will write about the experience as remembered:

Sensations of the body arising, thoughts about what is happening arising, planning about what to write arising...
Focusing on bodily sensations and seeing image in the mirror, thoughts again arising, analyzing and moving back to focusing on sensations...
hand moving in mirror, feeling sensations, again thoughts analyzing...
struggling with looking at image in mirror and not thinking "this is me", "I am not doing this correctly", "there still feels like an I"...
thoughts arising about no legs in mirror...
focusing on body while not looking in mirror, sensations, pressure, itching sensation, scratching neck...
walking, feeling like there is a center and a body, analyzing, thoughts of frustration, watching thoughts


Later, speaking to my wife....felt like her voice was arising inside my head. strange sensation that I never felt so deeply before. Some sadness again but peace and really could focus on her words as they seemed to be arising in this body. Kind of cool. I like new experiences.

A little brain fog will not stop this process. Feeling sadness again, but peace too and I think that I am just tired of the burden of feeling separate. Love the depth of the feelings that are arising in this process. There is more aliveness. Tired of feeling a bit muffled.

Grateful for your help!

With love,

Steven

[Anastacia42]

Good Morning!

It's Mountain Time here in Colorado.

Feeling separate is a kind of burden, isn't it?

struggling with looking at image in mirror and not thinking "this is me", "I am not doing this correctly", "there still feels like an I"...

Let such thoughts arise. No need for struggle. They're only thoughts, aren't they? Do the thoughts mean that there is an "I" or "me?" Or is that just a thought that arises? A thought you have no control over?

Take a look. Is there a self? Has there ever been?

Do you control thoughts?

Decide to move arm?

Have you ever?

Repeat the exercise to check, if you aren't sure.

Much love,

[Steven257]

Is there a self? Has there ever been?
Do you control thoughts?
Decide to move arm?

I did the exercise again. Similar to yesterday except the feeling of just how conditioned I am is a bit more obvious to me this morning...almost as if I have been reading and meditating about this stuff for years and why is this sense of self still so powerfully present? Will re-read your comments about the "convincing" aspect of this, after I post this.

I can more deeply see how there is no control over thoughts, somewhat less deeply feel that I do not control the movement of the arm as there still appears to be slight control over intentionality, although intellectually I do not agree with my feeling that I truly have control over this arm movement.

There is more clarity with moment to moment experience in regard to the truth that there is no self. The confusion still arises as I have a history in time with what appears to be a body that changes over time but still is different from your body and your history is different from my history. You are in Colorado and I am in Pennsylvania. Your past is different from my past.

In other words, the "is there a self" question is "no" from moment to moment when I do not think about this. When thoughts arise about this, then I am deeply confused. Aren't you different from me?

[Anastacia42]

Hi Steven,

Yes, continue to pay attention to what exists without having to convince yourself that it exists.

Do you notice any fear associated with recognizing that there is no self?

You are not going to vanish in a puff of smoke. If you step out in front of a bus, yes, you will most likely die.

I hold this as paradox. There is no me. Trust me, you will know when you see this. You will feel it in your bones. It is unmistakable.

You and I know that you have seen this already.

Do you notice the ways in which you did not answer the questions?

Is there a self? Has there ever been?
Do you control thoughts?
Decide to move arm?

Please report ONLY direct experience. There is no need to explain thinking to me. It won't help you.

Yes, thoughts are confusing. Just let them be.

If at all possible, report only direct experience using no "I" and no "me" and your sentences. Do this for practice, whether it is the experience in this moment or not.

Much love,

[Anastacia42]

Steven,

If you want to give your mind something to do, read the books that are posted on our site at this link:

https://www.liberationunleashed.com/books/

Much love,