Seeking to realize

[mangoanna]

Hello!
I didn't forget or disappear ;) Was just taking the time to really look and let things settle.
Thank you for staying with me and getting me to dig deeper!

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

Only as a concept...in thoughts. Experiencing the thought is real but it points to nothing there. When life is just happening and no thoughts of I are around then "I" simply isn't there. Not existing when not being thought of.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion started when I was given a name and I learned how to communicate and think within this language structure. It started when I learned how to label things and my mind started to form habits of thinking in first, second and third person and in possessive terms. I have to use "i" to communicate, I use language to describe 'my' experiences, I have memories of "I" doing things, that belief in myself is validated by others...the habit of thinking that I exists is pretty engrained.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.

It feels like a more vivid experience when the story isn't taking over, when the story isn't believed. It feels just like it did before the dialogue when identifying with the Anna story happens. I feel just as angry when something annoying happens, I feel just as down when something I don't like happens...but now somewhere along the line life remembers itself and taking stock of what's really here starts. Before the dialogue I was seeking, I was thinking over concepts in my head...now there is still daily looking and there's still the story of me getting attached to the story of myself...but there's seeing that's all a part of the story too. It feels really redundant to keep saying "I did this or that" cause it's all gonna happen anyways.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

It has been a little bit of everything. Consisten, daily looking, all the time looking until new habits are forming. Each day it felt like it shifted from ,'could this be it?' to a quiet yes and so forth until I had a very clear moment while dancing.
There was just dancing. No dancer, no thoughts about dancing, no experiencer,no feeler. Just life flowing, a body moving, feeling and experiencing and dancing and a lightness. It's hard to explain, language feels limiting. There was a lot of joy happening. There was the sensation of the mouth stretched into a smile, tingling in the body, For a moment, thinking stopped, the Anna story stopped and everything was more vividly here. It was only a moment before the old thought train started back up but that moment was enough.

5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

It feels like I make choices or set intentions but those are just thoughts about making choices or thoughts about setting intentions.
For example right now I thought about stopping typing this response because I feel tired and there's lot's of thoughts coming up like, "I'm hungry, I want a snack." "I should be cleaning my house right now instead." There's my fingers moving across the keyboard and my neck is achey. But here we are, me still typing. Then there's the thought,"well I guess I'm choosing to keep responding." There's no one choosing that, it's just happening and I'm thinking about it while it does. Just cause I put a label(I choose) on the experience doesn't mean its really happening that way. So no one chooses, there's thoughts about having free will and control but no one is there to have a will or control. Same with responsibility...this one triggers a lot of stories about myself. I have always been very proud of being someone who takes responsibility of their actions and choices. But that's just a story about someone being responsible. Life is responsible for itself and answers to itself as well.

6) Anything to add?

Thank you for guiding me on this journey! Do you have any more questions? :)

much love!

[Andrei]

Was just taking the time to really look and let things settle.

You did very well to wait a bit, see if nothing else comes up.

I feel just as angry when something annoying happens, I feel just as down when something I don't like happens...but now somewhere along the line life remembers itself and taking stock of what's really here starts.

About that, as you noticed, the "self" is just a story. Things don't change just because you don't believe in them anymore.
The journey doesn't end here, in a way it's just starting because there's (probably) plenty of beliefs left to see through.
The good thing is that now you have a method, DE, you can use to explore all the beliefs left. Just like before, watch what is going on, stay with the initial sensations, let them do their thing, tell their story and maybe in the meanwhile you will discover the root cause to it.

Feeling annoyed or down is a sign there's a belief hidden somewhere left to discover. That sounds like "desire and ill will", something attended in the Buddhist 10 Fetters system, where seeing through the illusion of the self is just step one.
If you like we can talk about those things you react to or I can point you to a group where the fetters are being tended to, that if you feel like you're ready for the next step. It would be natural to take a break and let the "seeing" that happened now to settle and become the new norm.

It was only a moment before the old thought train started back up but that moment was enough.

Indeed, that's all it takes. :)

Thank you for guiding me on this journey! Do you have any more questions?

You're very much welcome. I don't have anything more to ask. I'm a bit jelly at how clear everything looks for you :))
Again, will check with the others and get back to you :)