Looking for a long time and quite confused.

[SomeOne]

Let's do some self-observation. For the coming day, when it comes to you to notice, in various situations, alone, with others, have a quick check on the face - the tensions, the sensations, perhaps the feelings.

Notice, no need to categorise, or record; just observe intently.

Share any discoveries.

So far I had one moment where I intently focused on the sensations, and I noticed that it's not really an active process of "looking", sensations just happen, and noticing them seems to almost be just a part of the same process, and part of the sensations.

[SomeOne]

Since shortly after my last post I've been feeling much lighter somehow, like a really light feeling, combined with "exhilaration" somehow.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Ok, cool.

Now, check the face for tension. Check the cheeks, the forehead, the eyes, behind the eyes, the nose, the temples, the mouth.

Then, take a nice comfortable breath, and as you slowly release the breath, release the tension in the face by half.

Do this at least six times, each time, releasing half the existing tension. One breath after another.

Then, sit for a while, and check the face for signs of 'Felix'.

Share discoveries.

Best wishes!
John

[SomeOne]

Ok, cool.

Now, check the face for tension. Check the cheeks, the forehead, the eyes, behind the eyes, the nose, the temples, the mouth.

Then, take a nice comfortable breath, and as you slowly release the breath, release the tension in the face by half.

Do this at least six times, each time, releasing half the existing tension. One breath after another.

Then, sit for a while, and check the face for signs of 'Felix'.

Share discoveries.

Best wishes!
John

This has thrown me into a really weird state. After trying that for the first time, I thought that there were no signs of Felix left in my face, that they had all gone. Since then I've been in a really weird state where I have no idea what's happening right now. It's a combination of feeling like I'm going crazy, some fear because this is so weird, and I am running around and can't really keep still. There is a sense of Felix present in my body, but as soon as it is "hit" with attention/focus it seems to dissipate. Same for my head and face. At the same time, when I repeat the steps, it feels like there is a sense of "something", but it doesn't really feel like "Felix". It also feels like this sense is driving itself, and is the thing that is actually so agitated right now, and also the thing that is writing. It's actually hard to repeat the breathing/releasing/checking for Felix right now, because thoughts keep rushing around and I feel really confused. I think I'm calming down, but I have still no idea what is happening.

Many Thanks,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Felix,

I think I'm calming down, but I have still no idea what is happening.

Sometimes, perceptions shift and leaves us a little confused, but it'll settle down. It's ok.

We'll have a pause, so just go about the day as usual, and we'll catch up soon.
Post me when its settled down.

With warm wishes,
John

[SomeOne]

Hi Felix,

I think I'm calming down, but I have still no idea what is happening.

Sometimes, perceptions shift and leaves us a little confused, but it'll settle down. It's ok.

We'll have a pause, so just go about the day as usual, and we'll catch up soon.
Post me when its settled down.

With warm wishes,
John

Hey John,

thanks, I think that was a good idea. Had a good night of sleep, and feel much more "normal" now. Ready to continue.

Much thanks,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

thanks, I think that was a good idea. Had a good night of sleep, and feel much more "normal" now. Ready to continue.

So, Felix, would you please share your appreciation of the response to the reducing tension exercise.

What was happening from 'your side'?

In light of that, how do you see the self-image/self 'Felix' now?

With best wishes,
John

[SomeOne]

So, Felix, would you please share your appreciation of the response to the reducing tension exercise.

I'm not 100% sure what you mean here. I interpret it as my appreciation of what happened when I did the exercise. That's really hard to say, as most it did was put me into that really weird state I described before, and the experience feels quite surreal now. However, the exercise itself felt really meaningful, especially when I didn't really feel signs of 'Felix' anymore when looking for them afterwards. It also feels like there is a deeper meaning to what that state was I was in after doing the exercise. But apart from that, there wasn't much I would "appreciate", as the whole experience afterwards was more confusing/uncomfortable than anything.

What was happening from 'your side'?

I'm not 100% sure what you mean here either. From my side, I did the exercise as you described it. Checking for tension, then relaxed breathing while letting go of it, then looking for signs of 'Felix'. Before I described that when I focused on sensations in my face I noticed that there wasn't really a "me" focusing, but just the sensations themselves, and the focusing was part of it. That "realization" has become less clear by now, but it's still there. I think I was thinking the same when I did the exercise, regarding all the sensations that came up.

In light of that, how do you see the self-image/self 'Felix' now?

It currently feels like it has definitely shifted. I would say that the sensations I felt as "being Felix" before have, to a part, disappeared. However, there is certainly a sense of "someone" in my body/face. It's different from before, I'm not really sure whether it's a sense of "Felix", but I would say it is, because who else would there be? Also, it's still a familiar feeling. As I said before, it feels like this sense of "someone" is the one doing e.g. the writing right now, and that there isn't anything else than this "sense of someone" that is acting. When focusing on this, there seem to be feelings of fear/"not-wanting" to be popping up. Just now, when I put some focus on them, these feelings also seemed to "give up", and disappeared, although only to a part. At the same time, when focus is put on this "sense of someone", it seems to disappear/dissolve.

Many thanks,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

It currently feels like it has definitely shifted. I would say that the sensations I felt as "being Felix" before have, to a part, disappeared. However, there is certainly a sense of "someone" in my body/face. It's different from before, I'm not really sure whether it's a sense of "Felix", but I would say it is, because who else would there be? Also, it's still a familiar feeling. As I said before, it feels like this sense of "someone" is the one doing e.g. the writing right now, and that there isn't anything else than this "sense of someone" that is acting. When focusing on this, there seem to be feelings of fear/"not-wanting" to be popping up. Just now, when I put some focus on them, these feelings also seemed to "give up", and disappeared, although only to a part. At the same time, when focus is put on this "sense of someone", it seems to disappear/dissolve.

Good work. Now, there are distinct threads here that get mushed together, but they are distinct.

- Familiar feelings are feelings that are familiar. Cutting edge, I know. :)
- A sense of 'someone' is a sense of 'someone'. It gets better huh?
- A sense of "Felix" in the body/face...because who else would it be?

We have:

1. Familiar feelings.
2. Idea of 'Felix' the person/persona, self.

These are fused together habitually to make a 'living being' that is Felix-shaped.
And we live as if this were the case, because it seems to be that way. Seeming is another word for fooling ourselves.

Imagine two scenarios:

1. You have the idea of 'Felix' the person BUT no familiar feelings to fuse it with.
- what's that like?

2. You have a bunch of familiar feelings BUT no idea of 'Felix' the person to fuse it with.
- what's that like.

Explore gently and share discoveries.

Many thanks!
John

[SomeOne]

1. You have the idea of 'Felix' the person BUT no familiar feelings to fuse it with.
- what's that like?

It's just a story. A story about a person named 'Felix', that includes Felix' family, Felix' friends, problems that are worrying Felix, events that have happened in Felix' life, things Felix wants to do. But it's just that, a story, and there is no attachment to it. The content of the story doesn't really matter, whether its good or bad is unimportant, as it's just a story about somebody, and there is no reason to get attached to the story.

2. You have a bunch of familiar feelings BUT no idea of 'Felix' the person to fuse it with.
- what's that like.

While the answer to the first question came rather quickly, this one I am not really getting a good grip on. I'd say it makes the feelings unimportant, as they don't seem to have a real reason to exist. I was wondering what it even means for feelings to be "fused together" with an idea (of 'Felix'). My answer was that it's like the feeling of walking is just a feeling, but its associated with walking. Imagining such a scenario, I would say that the feeling just is, and it is familiar because it has been there before. But it doesn't mean anything, and it holds no further meaning, other than that there is a reason it exists (e.g. the feeling of walking is due to walking). But it doesn't influence a story about someone, or mean anything beyond that. I still feel like I haven't got a good grip on this one.

Many thanks,
Me

[s-p-a-c-e]

Ok, let's say Felix isn't a story. Felix is the name of a being that is reading this and runs the show. He has likes, dislikes, thinks, speaks and farts. Felix does everything in your life. Felix is at the heart of it, the core.
Watch Felix now, without a net, lift a hand.

Put a right hand, palm-down, on the thigh.
In a moment, it will lift to eye-level. But not yet.
If Felix 'tells it' to lift, it won't.
If Felix's voice-in-the-head says 'lift', it won't.

When that hand starts to lift, see if you can track Felix's part in the lifting.

Many thanks!
John

[SomeOne]

After my last post I explored the idea of "familiar feelings" without an "idea of Felix" to attach them to. I realized that feelings/sensations don't really mean anything, and that there isn't anybody who is sad or happy, but just the feelings themselves. In the gateless gatecrashers book there was a remark about self help/development being useless, because there is no self. I was reminded of that because realizing that emotions don't mean that anybody is sad/happy/whatever means there is no way to become "happier"/etc.

Okay, on to the next:

Put a right hand, palm-down, on the thigh.
In a moment, it will lift to eye-level. But not yet.
If Felix 'tells it' to lift, it won't.
If Felix's voice-in-the-head says 'lift', it won't.

When that hand starts to lift, see if you can track Felix's part in the lifting.

When the hand started to lift, there was also a small sensation/impulse which seemed to be related to the lifting. But I noticed that just like "familiar feelings" this was just a fleeting sensation, and was in no way the "cause" or anything for the lifting of the hand. The hand just lifted by itself, it didn't feel like there was anybody lifting the hand. I actually have no idea why it lifted when it did.

Many Thanks,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

After my last post I explored the idea of "familiar feelings" without an "idea of Felix" to attach them to. I realized that feelings/sensations don't really mean anything, and that there isn't anybody who is sad or happy, but just the feelings themselves. In the gateless gatecrashers book there was a remark about self help/development being useless, because there is no self. I was reminded of that because realizing that emotions don't mean that anybody is sad/happy/whatever means there is no way to become "happier"/etc.

Good work. We just need to be careful not to get sucked in to a new dogmatic belief system of 'there is no self'.

What we are inquiring into here is the 'self' you think yourself to be, 'Felix'.
This is our focus. The nature of this 'Felix' as thoughts, feelings and actions.
This is a very important distinction. Do you see it?

When the hand started to lift, there was also a small sensation/impulse which seemed to be related to the lifting. But I noticed that just like "familiar feelings" this was just a fleeting sensation, and was in no way the "cause" or anything for the lifting of the hand. The hand just lifted by itself, it didn't feel like there was anybody lifting the hand. I actually have no idea why it lifted when it did.

Ok - so, close observing reported that the hand lifted, but no inner cause was observed.
In particular, was there a 'Felix' in the area? :) You know, pulling a lever, or tugging on a string?

When observing closely, is there any relationship between a social identity 'Felix' and the lifting of a hand?

Can a social identity 'Felix', that exists essentially as thought, DO anything?

What is your immediate insight?

Many thanks!
John

[SomeOne]

What we are inquiring into here is the 'self' you think yourself to be, 'Felix'.
This is our focus. The nature of this 'Felix' as thoughts, feelings and actions.
This is a very important distinction. Do you see it?

I see a distinction between the general idea of 'no self' and this special instance 'Felix' we are talking about. But I'm a little bit confused about the difference between 'I' and 'Felix'. It feels like these are not exactly the same, even though that doesn't really make sense.

Ok - so, close observing reported that the hand lifted, but no inner cause was observed.
In particular, was there a 'Felix' in the area? :) You know, pulling a lever, or tugging on a string?

No, there somehow wasn't. The hand really seemed to just lift by itself.

When observing closely, is there any relationship between a social identity 'Felix' and the lifting of a hand?

That's a strange and, in hindsight, really obvious question. No, there somehow isn't any, but it doesn't make sense. How does 'Felix' then do anything? Like go to work, eat, etc?

Can a social identity 'Felix', that exists essentially as thought, DO anything?

What is your immediate insight?

Immediate insight: no, that is obviously not possible. It's like spiderman can't DO anything, because he doesn't exist. But inside comics/movies he indeed 'does' something. But then it just 'looks' like he is doing something, there never is an actual spiderman that does anything, just a story/pictures/etc.

This just had me thinking/deliberating for the past 30-60 minutes. I pondered the consequences of what I had just written/understood, and it was really insightful. Just now I was going to write "I'll try my best to write down what went on", but realized that I can't do that, and things are just going to happen the way they do (no I - no choice - no doer). I think situations like these have been there before - a lot of clarity. But something still feels off; basically the questions "So how does this help me?"/"How does this help me decide what to do/what I should do?" come up.

Many thanks,
Felix

[s-p-a-c-e]

Good work.

That's a strange and, in hindsight, really obvious question. No, there somehow isn't any, but it doesn't make sense. How does 'Felix' then do anything? Like go to work, eat, etc?

What is 'Felix'?

What we're looking at here is that 'Felix' is the umbrella term for a familiar set of feelings, thoughts and actions. 'Felix' is the name we call 'our self'. 'Our self' is this social identity that apparently thinks.
And yet, 'our self' is nowhere to be seen when lifting a hand.

Is there anywhere in which the assumption of 'Felix' as 'your self' inside running the show, can stand?

This just had me thinking/deliberating for the past 30-60 minutes. I pondered the consequences of what I had just written/understood, and it was really insightful. Just now I was going to write "I'll try my best to write down what went on", but realized that I can't do that, and things are just going to happen the way they do (no I - no choice - no doer). I think situations like these have been there before - a lot of clarity. But something still feels off; basically the questions "So how does this help me?"/"How does this help me decide what to do/what I should do?" come up.

It is very understandable, that when a long-standing illusion, especially one like 'my self' is seen to be made up, that there feels like a vacuum in the house. :) We tend to still think AS IF there should be a 'Felix'-like replacement to do stuff, but maybe a cooler one, that has things sussed. This would be another made-up proxy self.

So we reach for dogma to fill the gap: (no I - no choice - no doer). And should you believe this nonsense, you'll have no end of friends on Facebook to welcome you in. :)

So how does this help me?"/"How does this help me decide what to do/what I should do?" come up.

I want you to hold off trying to work this out, you won't be able to. It will send you in circles.

You noticed that the hand raised, but there was nothing observable that raised it.
As you go about the day, you will notice that decisions are made, but there was nothing observable that made it.
You'll notice words are spoken, but there was nothing observable speaking.
You'll notice walking, but there was nothing observable walking.
You'll notice thinking, but there was nothing observable thinking.

Do this activity - hold off the analysis, relax, settle into it, and share what you discovered.

WIth best wishes!
John