Hi, Wesley,
Thank you for the support and encouragement.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience and understanding. Describe it fully as you see it now.
Last night, I wrote:
The illusion of self is a label imposed by society, via parental figures, upon young children. Until that time, we are innocent, undifferentiated expressions of life. Once we are "assigned an identity," all kinds of mischief arises. This labelling creates a system of illusion that makes it seem as though the body, thoughts and feelings constitute a separate being and that this being is not only separate but also unique and that the thoughts that happen are manifested by, owned by and evidence of this "self." Then, the thoughts are believed to be 'true' and that they are they constitute volition -- and off we go on a ride of a myth. This myth robs us of peace and separates us from reality.
To continue:
The long-believed concept of a separate "I" has led me to a lifelong struggle against "my selfishness," being judgmental, issues with "my" having been adopted, envy, "self" criticism, pressure to perform and greed, to name a few things. It has robbed "me" of such gifts as peace of mind, unconditional love and living present to the present.
It has had me misconstrue thoughts as truths and thoughts as evidence of "my" volition. It has robbed "me" of the experience of being in the flow of life. It has given "me" a false sense that there is a temporality outside of now, which had "me" dealing with "my" past and both projecting "my intentions" into "the future" and worrying about same. In short, there was little real freedom to be.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference (if anything) between now and before you started the guidance?
Wesley, to flesh out this answer, I'm going to just use "I," etc., as a shortcut.
It feels exhilarating, exciting, fun, freeing. It feels as if life has just begun. The emotions are joy and amazement. There are many differences between now and before I started the guidance. I'm no longer angry in traffic. I experience a sense of delight at just about everything -- especially noticeable when I go outdoors. I've always been a "stop and smell the roses" type, but now the sense of appreciation has multiplied. I used to be easily offended and thin-skinned. Now I don't get upset almost at all, and the few times I have gotten upset, the upset has seemed much less intense and it passes naturally. It has become easy to be kind, generous and considerate. Way less rigid. There's a sense of ease about everything. When judgmental thoughts come up (which is way less than before), they are recognized as just thoughts and they pass along. I'm not compelled to have attention, not worried about embarrassment in groups. Envy has virtually disappeared and the couple of times it has showed up, it dissipated quickly. Being so much more present, everything now seems to flow and all is well with no effort. I was trained at Landmark to generate "all is well," now it's that way without having to do anything. I am no longer compelled to give un-asked-for advice nor to have to state my opinions or wisdom.
Before being guided, people were afraid of me because I was so judgmental and harsh and righteous (and was usually spot-on in terms of assessments). Since I recognized these as flaws, I tried to overcome them and, failing to do so, to pretend I was not those ways, but it didn't work at all. This has altered greatly. Here's a fresh example: I had a massage scheduled for 4 pm today and my massage therapist, who's very reliable and has become a friend, didn't show up. I texted and left her a voicemail and got no response. After 45 minutes, I called a mutual friend to see if she knew anything or had an alternate phone number for her. I was concerned about my massage therapist. She called a little while later to let me know what happened and I was so happy to find out she was fine. I had had no anger toward her at any point during this incident. In the past, I probably would have been somewhat concerned about her (and certainly would have expressed it) and I also would have been angry with her. This time, there was nothing but love and concern. In fact, she commented that her experience of me through this incident was different for her.
People would tell you I'm friendly, outgoing and loving. That's true, but, there was always a lot of "ego" involved and because I was so self-centered, I would often feign more concern and interest in others than was authentic. I now find myself caring about others as much as myself, genuinely. Pretense in general seems to be falling away -- there's nothing to protect. Woo hoo!
4) Was there something specific you looked into or something that was mentioned that made you fully realise? Was there a specific moment where you 'tipped over' into realising 'no self'?
There was definitely a moment that made me fully realize. It was the day after I had first heard of Liberation Unleashed. I was reading the book, Gateless Gatecrashers. I was reading the dialogue with, I think, Shane, and the topic was that "I' was something that was imposed at a young age. Then, there was a sentence something like, "I is just a label." It was upon reading that sentence that it suddenly dawned on me and was obviously the reality -- then it was as if everything took a new shape.
Wesley, my dear, I'm thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to explore these topics. Eager though I am to continue, I'm finding myself fatigued. I still have some gazpacho to finish making and a tap dance to practice before bed. I will continue tomorrow. Thank you for encouraging me to take my time.
I'm so grateful for your generosity, Wesley. The loving, compassionate space you create is a huge gift. Your guidance is invaluable.
Good night.
Warmest regards + a big hug!
Robyn
