Hi Alex,
here I am back again.
There might be many more "Aha" moments to come - still don't stick to any. Let them happen and let them leave.
indeed there was another minor "aha", I was searching for the "I that controls" and got the answer "it's just ...
thoughts??? a bunch of thoughts!", but as usual it lasted just a small moment.
I might think that these are sign of progress, but I'm not sure there is progress at all... you know, some days I'm more able to focus within and "look", but some others I'm dull as a rock. It's very variable.
Now back the exercise of your last message:
Sit down and close your eyes. Put your hand on the desk in front of you. Focus on the sensations in your hand.When you focus on your hand, is the sensation between the eyes still there?
When the focus in on the hands, the "sensation between the eyes" it's not there, but it's not always so. Sometimes the sensation between the eyes is in the background, like a presence, like if I am aware of both at the same time. Some others the focus switches back and forth between the two very quickly and it's not easy to track it with the mind.
Now that the focus is on your hand, can this focus on the hand "rebel to the idea of someone pretending it doesn't exist"?
no, it can't, it doesn't make sense.
Now, look at these sensations, and welcome them. Accept them as they are right now. Don't "pretend" that they don't exist, as they obviously do, but look for the owner of these sensations... Look for the feeler of these sensations. Don't reject the sensation itself - it is perfectly fine to be as it is...
"look for the owner of these sensations..." was a turning point: after doing it for a while, it was evident to me that there is no owner, the sensations are just there. They do not belong to anyone. It was like there was "knowing" of the sensations but not a "knower". BUT ... this insight is evident only if I put the focus on the sensation itself. If the focus turns back on the "feeling of me" (aka the sensation between the eyes) then it becomes again "it's my sensation, it's mine". In other words:
- move the focus on the sensation and there is only sensation
- move the focus back on "me" and "it's my sensation".
Maybe again this pressure between the eyes... Accept it and welcome it as well. Feel it. Does it matter what thought says about it?
no, what thoughts say doesn't matter, it seem they are on a different level, they don't have any business with the "pressure".
Can thought define it?
no, again thoughts seem to be belong to another domain.
When thought says "I feel a tingling between the eyes." Is that really true?
Eh!, this is more tricky: when I think "is it true?" it seems true! It seems so true that even asking it is inappropriate.
What is really there? Look only at the sensation and please note what is there and what is just story. Which part of "I feel a tingling between the eyes." is true and which parts (words) are thought- story? Be perfectly honest and discard all thought story, what remains?
This was the most difficult part. I look at the sensation, it's there, indefinite borders like a cloud of gas in front of my field of vision (eyes closed). It's not still... it moves slowly, sometimes a little bit down in the mouth, sometimes upper in the head. Sometimes there is just the sensation in its totality, some other times there is a witness, an observer that is observing it from a small distance. If I concentrate on the feeling, the question "I feel a tingling between the eyes, is it true?" seems unimportant, not false and not true, just a question. It's a mere thought in the background asking something. But, if I concentrate on the thought itself, looking for a real answer, the feeling between the eyes disappear and I get my reply: "yes, that's true, that's so evident".
Lets look at this "perceiver in the distant background"... you mentioned it might be coming from the back... are you sitting in a chair when doing this exercise? Maybe try it again standing up or lying down, see if the same thing happens... if not, maybe it was just a normal physical sensation of pressure from "chair against back" that was mistaken for something more..? Maybe thought does this with whatever sensation is available at the time and then increasing its importance from "normal sensation" to "sense of me"..?
with "coming from the back" I meant the back of the head, from behind, not the back/spine. This background is hard to investigate, it seem to be a mix of thoughts and sensations, but thoughts on the most part.
In closing this message there is something I would ask you: there are two different things that I can say they are "me":
1) the feeling between the eyes, it feels so "me" that I can be absorbed into it excluding all else, like going into trance
2) ther "feeling of existence" that I can trigger when I focus outside but to nothing in particular, but still focused on the direct experiece. There is a sense of existence, of "I exist", of "I am alive here and now".
My question is: are they two different things? are they related? what's most important to seek/investigate?
Thank you for your kind help,
- Nino