Excited to learn

[Ilona]

I think it's starting to sink in, but it hasn't been a big epiphany or revelation. I can't say I've popped. It has been a slow burn. And my old assumptions still sneak up on me, particularly when I'm feeling sad or "down on myself."

It does not have to come as a big bang, the belief drops, that's all, it can be a silent pop, very subtle. and of course, you can't expect a happy ever after, where no old assumptions get hold anymore. this is just a beginning, an opening, a real start of cleanup operation, where all old beliefs are expected to come up one by one to be cleared.

But there's a sense of freedom, too. I don't have to build monuments to myself in an attempt to preserve something for the ages that was never anything but a concept. I am free to hear, see, and feel without struggling to process everything through how I think I ought to think about it.

sweet, sounds that you are on the right path :) the sweet sense of freedom to be, to feel, to experience all that is a nice aftereffect.

I am still looking for the self but I no longer believe I am going to find it.

what is the i that is looking for the self?
look at what is looking, what is there?

sending love

[raymundo]

I would say The Observer - the thing that peers into the mirror in search of a reflection - is my consciousness filtered through my experience, minus the story of the Self.

It is everything I plan to lose when I die. The feeling of my own heartbeat. The pain when I get a papercut that I do not experience (or at least in the same way) when my neighbor breaks her leg.

[Ilona]

I would say The Observer - the thing that peers into the mirror in search of a reflection - is my consciousness filtered through my experience, minus the story of the Self.

There is no thing that peers into the mirror. None. No observer. Only a story. Can you see?
It's all a story, thoughts about thoughts. The assumed entity is imagined.

Have a look what is left of the entity/ I/ self,
/ ego/ raymundo, whatever it's named, when the story is taken away?

[raymundo]

Part of my current narrative is sheer panic that I'm going to screw up at the new job that I've had for six weeks.

This piece came in my email this morning and I was stunned by the fitting coincidence:
http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog ... -next.html

I am getting to the point where I can hear the stories for what they are. I notice that they take up an awful lot of my processing power. And I notice that they do a lot more harm to me than anything in my lived experience does.

I am unsure of what to do with them now. The most I've done so far is to cultivate the habit of questioning their source and finding no evidence for its authority.

[Ilona]

Let's get this clear, those stories are not helpful, not practical. They are the anxiety and the stress, the stories are self-creating.
Look at this mechanism- what do you notice?
Is there a true story?

Imagine yourself in 2 months. See the picture, you are at your work. Tell me, what is the worst that can happen to that image? The image itself- it's a fiction. It's a picture in imagination. Can you see that?

Creating images around what if scenarios is happening by itself, and with it comes a whole lot of fear.

What is behind the fear?
Look and tell me.

[raymundo]

When I imagine my life in two months, according to the storyline I have imagined, I cringe. My brain pumps adrenaline and I feel poisoned.

I am horrified of losing my livelihood, losing my home, losing all the love and respect in my life, and ending up drunk and wasting away on a sidewalk in Downtown Los Angeles.

Right now, I am cringing for the Self. It has been caught in a lie. It is being called into the office for a private meeting. It knows what is going to happen and that it is about to get fired. All the life force that Self has sucked away to maintain itself is coming down to this.

The idea that I have invested so much of my life into something that isn't real is humiliating. I can feel my defense mechanisms kicking in. Frustration, excuses, and emotional extortion. I'm afraid of what is behind this and I am afraid that I am too much of a coward to really see it.

[Ilona]

Look behind that fear, what is there?
What can be lost?

[raymundo]

Ego. And lots of it.

It's ego, defensiveness, apologetics, and more ego all the way down.

I'm in a classic abusive relationship with what I regard as my self. And it's not easy for me to just give it up. We can keep doing this for awhile and I will keep making excuses for it, in various forms. It might be helpful if we are very clear about exactly what I'm doing.

I do want to see. I want your help, now more than before. I am starting - starting - to realize that I have been catfished.

[Ilona]

lets look at that ego, what is its? when and how is it experienced? is it here all the time or mostly when uncomfortable sensations arise?
if you replace word ego with word character, can you see how negativity about it falls away?
does character need to be get rid of?
do you need to let go of character?
what would be lost if negativity was no longer here?

sending love

[raymundo]

It is mostly when uncomfortable sensations arise.

I have tremendous anxiety about my character and notions about whether my character is essentially lacking. Last night, I had a vivid dream about my job and myself failing in it, and I woke up in a state of throttling, almost unbearable anxiety, wondering how I can save myself and prove (mostly to myself) that my character is in fact sufficient.

Just imagining letting go of that gives me a tremendous sense of relief.

When I don't feel that my character is being tested like this, I am not as preoccupied with it. I am able to get lost in real life more. There have been times when I've forgotten about these stories and been closer to the truth, in spite of my self.

[Ilona]

Tell me, what is that calls the ownership over the character?
Do you have a character or is the character having you?
Is there a character without a story ABOUT the character?
How is character Raymundo different from character Batman? Is Raymundo in control of what happens in the story about him? Does batman own the story about batman?

Right here, right now where is Raymundo? Can you see, hear, smell, taste, touch him?

Write what feels true!

[raymundo]

There is no Raymundo. The allure of his story is that I feel it is one of the few things in this world that is within my control, but it isn't. I'm not a distinct entity - just a part of the universe with a chalk outline drawn around it. The body that I think is mine is currently recovering from a summer flu I didn't want. It is aging and will eventually become fertilizer.

I glimpsed this for a few seconds this morning while meditating. I saw nothing but a field of reddish-black. I felt the sunlight on the skin I consider my skin and sensed the warmth (although I couldn't see the sun). I heard a humming air conditioner. For a few seconds, the story floated away. Then another thought came up and I was back in it.

[Ilona]

You say there is no Raymundo, was here ever?
Look at the reality of no self anywhere, not just in meditation, but in ordinary every day simple events and experiences. Is anything missing? Should anything be fdifferent? Are you in charge of what is? Are you the general manager of what happens through sense perception channels?

Is a separate self something real ( by real I mean that which does not disapear when you stop believing in it)

Write what is true !

Sending love

[raymundo]

Life isn't living up to what I want it to be and it isn't fitting into a clear narrative structure.

It simply is.

The pain I experience is mostly from my efforts to impose some control over how I perceive things. And it's immense, crushing pain, in response to a profound sense of humilation. I can feel my heart beating faster or slower depending on how I think my story is working out. Even my heart isn't really in on the joke yet.

I am finding it very, very hard to let go of the character and the story for more than a few seconds at a time. I habitually pick it back up, even though I don't consciously want it anymore.

But I am able to drop it for a few seconds at a time, and feel the sun and breeze on my skin.

[Ilona]

Tell me, what does the story stick to?
What is the glue made of?
What is that owns the character?

Sending love