DrM

[DrM]

Hi N,

I had to laugh at your last line. I suppose that I have been wallowing around in the 'psychic sewage' more or less. My cerebral way of trying to make sense of all the pain and confusion from the sudden, intense rejection by my beloved.

This 'letting go' process has been pretty rocky. Part of me recognizes the futility of holding onto any stories about her and what happened between us. And then, there's the boiling cauldron of strong emotions that demands expression, and the thoughts that want to define what those emotions mean.

I've been letting myself feel the sensations of the emotions, and then try to 'turn away' from the thoughts that seek to define the experience. However, it's not easy and/or always possible in the moment. I can tell myself 'no, I won't think that or go there' and the next moment, before I realize what's happened, I'm lost in some story again and have to snap myself out of it.

I see that the mind/ego is very persistent and insistent in its struggle for control and survival. It wants 'me' to believe that 'I' will die, no longer exist, without it. Such a strange, perplexing paradox! It sometimes has me by the short and curlies!

So, how do you advise "flushing the shit without analyzing it"? How can I get a handle on this?

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

Hey DrM, I'm really glad that made you laugh :)

How to get a handle on this? An excellent question. There is no ultimate cure, no answer to end all answers, no destination to arrive at. There is only the journey, and the journey must be embraced wholly and fully.

You can see the process quite clearly, and that is great. You can see that experience, in the form of emotion, comes first, which is expressed and interpreted into thought, and turned into story. The fact that "you" are still getting caught up in it is okay too. You see, thoughts, whether they describe something real or false, are just as much a part of experience as emotions. Attempting to 'turn away' from them is resisting, it's a way of telling them, "No, you're not supposed to be here," when clearly they are here. Everything is included. You can't tell yourself 'no, I won't go there', because you actually have zero control over thoughts, you can't choose which thoughts you will or won't have, and you can't predict them. Realising the truth of this is actually a wonderful pointer to the conclusion that you have no control because there is no controller.

Attempting to pick and choose and mould and distort life to conform to some certain idea or expectation, no doubt you are finding, is absolutely futile. All you can do, all you need to do, is observe with a gentle curiosity. With love. Accept what is, and embrace it all. Just allow it to happen, and allow thoughts to come and go as they will, without judging, and without cementing them into beliefs. As soon as they latch onto I-illusion they become personal, they become beliefs, and ultimately all beliefs are false. Acknowledge thought - but see it for what it is.

[DrM]

Only the journey. So then, life is all about direct, moment-to-moment experience of the journey of life exactly as it spontaneously unfolds? No other purpose than to just be and observe that beingness without prejudice?

If there is no controller, then what is God? Is the Divine Force not in control per se? Is the Universe just happening without rhyme or reason? That would be curious. Is there anything that's really real?

I admit that I'm still struggling with the pain and confusion of the rejection by someone that I loved so dearly. There's no way around the fact that unrequited love really sucks! I try to just accept what is, yet anger and hurt and sadness still seep up into my awareness. I still love and miss her, even though it's not reciprocated.

Do you mean to embrace even the painful thoughts/stories that come up uncontrollably? Do you mean to feel the grief, anger, loneliness and sadness without associating it with Terri? Wouldn't that just be lying to myself? Wouldn't that just reinforce attachments and prolong the suffering?

I really want to grasp this non-dual 'embracing it all' thing. I struggle with feeling that there is no "I" experiencing anything, How do you let go of this separate sense of self?

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

Hey DrM.

That's the only purpose I can see. What actually IS purpose anyway, what does it really mean, apart from being a human-made concept? Do birds feel they need a purpose, that a tree needs a purpose? Would life be any more extraordinary if it had one? These words, God, Divine Force, they are just other names for life. So often we take life for granted, we fail to see the majesty and mystery and divinity that is ever-present and life becomes mundane to us, and so we ascribe these names and characteristics to it that we forgot it already had. Life, you see, is very much in control, only it has no desired outcome.

Do you have a choice other than to embrace everything that comes up? It seems futile to resist or ignore anything life offers. What is, IS. How is it possible to reject it?

The thoughts that arise can be chosen as easily as the emotions that arise. That includes associations with Terri. Observe, embrace. When the story happens, observe the story. As long as you remain aware that the story is but a story, and that no-self means that nothing in life is ever personal, story can't get out of hand. Truth is given the opportunity to shine on through. And you're correct, the only thing that can bring this about is pure honesty. It's the most powerful tool in your arsenal.

Sense of separate self can be let go of by seeing the truth, in one honest, humble moment of clear innocent looking. It doesn't mean sense of separate self will definitely never return though. Because we're not destoying illusion, we are seeing illusion for what it is, and embracing it as a part of life. Sense of or thoughts of a self may come and go, just as thoughts of Santa Claus may come and go. But it doesn't mean you believe he exists.

[DrM]

Hi N,

Ahh, the ultimate importance of non-attachment to the illusive, illusional 'sense of purpose and meaning.' The mind always seems to be seeking for something greater than itself, esp. when self-esteem is not solid. I've always struggled with feeling 'not good enough,' as a result of the child abuse. Always trying to make up for my apparently intrinsic deficiencies, but not quite able to reach that place of OK-ness. It inspires me to reach for the Divine to love me, purify me, empower me to be better than I imagine I am. This is a difficult thing to detach from. I admit to a feeling of not being good enough to become enlightened. Like I don't yet have what it takes to reach that mark, and maybe never will.

Do you have any effective suggestions for getting beyond this terrible belief in my own inherent inferiority? I would like to expunge it from my being once and for all and move on with my life.

I intellectually realize that I have no choice but to embrace and accept everything that arises, but my emotional self will too often not cooperate. It reacts defensively, not believing it is lovable and safe with whatever appears. I feel too easily threatened by negative thoughts and feelings from others, e.g., Terri's hostile and cruel rejection. It threw me into a tailspin of despair from which I am just recently arising.

I am working hard in my therapy to heal these wounds. Sometimes, I feel like advaita is beyond me, though I am so drawn to what it represents. I know in my heart that it speaks to the truth of reality.

I can see that I have lots of complex, convoluted stories based upon my life history in which I have been entangled. I know that I tend to think too damn much, looking for the 'why' in everything that happens to me. And, I realize the futility of the search, but it doesn't stop it.

What can you suggest that will tangibly help me untangle myself from these stories and to stop asking why? I'm so tired of the mind-f*ck that I do to myself.

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

Hey DrM,

What helps is to see the patterns of conditioning in action, which you can - you have seen that child abuse has lead to feelings of inferiority, it is no way inherent in a 'you'. It is a direct result of circumstance, environment, conditions. Not an intrinsic quality held by a separate self.

What could truthfully be used for comparison to determine an inferiority? There is only one life, one all-encompassing life (is there more than one experience present, more than one awareness?) and life is it's own yardstick. The only place such a thing as inferiority could lie is in comparing one thought to another. Does a dog consider itself inferior to a cat, a daisy to a rose? Such a word has no real meaning in life.

Absolutely everything in life is determined by and reliant on circumstance, environment, conditions. Nothing exists in itself and of itself. See if this is true, look at anything in immediate experience - object, thought, emotion, quality - and trace it back to it's origins. One of my favourite quotes is from Carl Sagan, "If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." What does this mean for you, and how does it relate to self/no-self?

Life isn't personal DrM. It is wonderous, beautiful, painful, exquisite, tumultuous, all these things, but it isn't personal.

I intellectually realize that I have no choice but to embrace and accept everything that arises, but my emotional self will too often not cooperate. It reacts defensively, not believing it is lovable and safe with whatever appears.

Is there truly an emotional self, perhaps alongside several other selves? Or is this emotional self simply thoughts that are arising about the current emotional conditions? If these thoughts will not cooperate, act defensively, etc, then this is just something that needs to be accepted also. Just allow them to come up and be experienced, be gentle - you will find that, using compassion, patience, and above all honesty, it will happen less and there will be less suffering because of it. It's a littel like exercising a muscle, it will get stronger and easier.

Sometimes, I feel like advaita is beyond me, though I am so drawn to what it represents. I know in my heart that it speaks to the truth of reality.

Hehe, you are completely right, advaita is beyond "me". But I hear what you are saying, and I understand what that feels like, I too felt that way. But truly, it is a contradiction in terms. It exists, it's already the way things are, and it's capable of being seen as clearly as the nose on your face. True nature, is entirely and unconditionally accessable, and realisable, or it simply wouldn't be true nature.

Try examining your beliefs and expectations and see if they are realistic or not. What does advaita/enlightenment/liberation mean to you?

[DrM]

Hi N,

What could truthfully be used for comparison to determine an inferiority?

Well, I guess that all the stories I tell myself to justify my sense of being less than others are all self-deluding bullshit. But, they feel 'real' when I'm doing it to myself. Maybe I'm grasping onto the self-pity to make it seem real? I don't have a genuine felt sense yet of being an inseparable part of "one all-encompassing life."

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe." What does this mean for you, and how does it relate to self/no-self?

I guess in order to believe that I'm doing something all on my own without the benefit of others' wisdom, I'd have to also believe that I can make up all the rules of how the world works, which is just more arrogant bullshit. I'd have to believe that I am a separate self to do this. But again, I don't have a genuine felt sense yet of being 'no-self.'

Is there truly an emotional self, perhaps alongside several other selves? Or is this emotional self simply thoughts that are arising about the current emotional conditions?

I suppose you're right that it's all made up of thoughts. The intensity of emotions sometimes makes it very easy to get stuck in believing that's it's really real. It can be very tricky not to believe in the mirage.

I see what you say about being brutally honest about my thoughts and feelings and their effects on my perception of reality. I have to work on being more patient and gentle with myself.

What does advaita/enlightenment/liberation mean to you?

I guess that it means freedom and relief from all the suffering that occurs as a result of believing that all the thoughts and feelings come out of "me" and that "I" am real. But, it's still hard for me to sense into and grasp that I don't exist as "me, myself and I."

I've had moments when I can glimpse that there's a brief instant between experiencing things as they are and my mind putting a label on the experience. It's so quick that I often miss it during the course of the day as it happens. Maybe you're right that it just takes lots of practice seeing it.

I'm doing this intensive, sometimes really painful, therapy to heal and reintegrate my psyche from PTSD and dissociation. It's my supposition that I need to do this work to have a whole self to let go of, because if I try to let go of a fragmented self, I may not let go of all the parts. My belief is that this work is necessary to experience liberation/enlightenment. Am I wrong?

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

DrM.

I can't really say if you are right or wrong, because when it comes to the path of awakening there really is no right or wrong. There are no requirements, no rules. All you have to do is keep asking yourself, "how does this relate to reality? Is it real or is it just a thought?"

As I said before, truth can be seen, no-self can be realised, in one honest, humble moment of clear innocent looking. It's easy to get caught up in the intellectualisation of no-self and mistake that for actual looking, and therefore miss seeing it. Sometimes fear can also be an obstacle.

You might understand the concept of it but there is a truth that lies behind the concept. Which, as you say, you have not genuinely seen or felt yet. So start afresh here, let go of past attempts at looking and take a look, in the now, as if for the first time. Look and see if there is self or not. Take your time. Use honesty, expand out into experience, use all the senses, every tool you have. See how it applies to real life. And tell me what you find...

[DrM]

Sorry for the delay, Nemo, I've been so busy and working late.

In this moment, tired from a long day, the thoughts of self or no-self are blurry. Emotions related to the recent heartbreak are still just under the surface and color most everything that I experience in my quiet moments alone. Just cannot seem to shake off the heavy heart yet. In this rawness, there is a sense of aloneness and separateness. But it is fuzzy, ill-defined, not a clear image of selfness. I'm beginning to sense the facade of this self called drm.

There is awareness of an edge of fear. If I let go of this facade of self, then maybe I'll really be absolutely alone in the universe?! Can I trust to totally let go? I just don't know.

That is where I'm at in this moment. Sorry that I don't have a more insightful report. I'm feeling a bit stuck, perhaps in self-pity, struggling to genuinely release my attachments to what was, in retrospect, an unhealthy relationship for both of us. Thoughts of my failings and limitations are ghosts in the machine, and fuel the facade of aloneness.

I'm working hard in my therapy. I wish that I could accelerate the path out of this darkness.

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

Hey there DrM, no apologies necessary.

I understand your fears. This can be a pretty scary business when standing before the gateless gate. Once you pass through though, you will find no reason to be afraid. Quite the contrary. As is the fear of being alone in the universe. Firstly, because nonduality shows an interconnectedness with all things in the universe, and secondly, because there is no you to be alone.

Can you totally trust to let go? Well, the trust comes from seeing that you were never actually "holding on" to begin with. Your illusory driving-wheel isn't actually attached to or controlling anything. You are not actually trying to change anything, only to see things as they truly are. And in doing so, life aligns itself in accordance.

Take some time with this, if you need. Spend a couple of days to recouperate if you feel it will help, keep up the gentle observation, and write again whenever you feel you have a little clarity. I'll be here...

[DrM]

Dear Nemo,

Thank you so much for your kindness, insight, understanding and compassion. I am deeply touched. Tears flood my eyes now and my chest is heaving with sorrow and appreciation.

This does feel so scary and alone standing before this gateless gate. I will trust you that I'll survive this painful passage and eventually make my way through the gate to realization of who and what I truly am from a felt sense.

I'll be in touch soon as I pass through this long dark night of the soul and gain more clarity and centeredness.

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

Hugs, DrM...
I understand the fear, I truly do.
When you are ready, I will be here.

[DrM]

Thank you for the hug, Nemo, I needed that :)

I made it through this bout of the dark night of the soul still intact (mostly). Confronting my attachments to Terri and what she represented for me has been quite challenging, but rewarding. I can see that our failed relationship was a distraction from doing my deepest possible spiritual growth work. I gave up my personal power for comfort and false security. Being catapulted out of the comfort zone revealed to me the utter failure, once again, of seeking love, peace, meaning and fulfillment from a source outside of my (the) Self. I think I've finally learned this lesson. I'm ready for connection to the true source of love, peace, meaning and fulfillment.

I've been reading an incredible book by Dr. Peter Levine, Waking The Tiger: Healing Trauma. It has many indirect insights into non-duality, and exercises that help get one in touch with the 'felt sense.' This seems essential for a direct experience of non-duality, esp. satori.

Where do we go from here? I shall appreciate your guidance.

Namaste,
drm

[Nemo]

You are very welcome.
I am so pleased to hear that you are moving forward, it's wonderful.
Okay, what I would like to do, is go back a couple of posts to this:

"So start afresh here, let go of past attempts at looking and take a look, in the now, as if for the first time. Look and see if there is self or not. Take your time. Use honesty, expand out into experience, use all the senses, every tool you have. See how it applies to real life. And tell me what you find..."

You weren't quite ready to focus on the above task at the time, it seemed, so let's go from here.
Spend a little time with it, really investigate, be as thorough as you can.

[DrM]

Hi Nemo,

I've been reflecting on the existence of self or not. I'm seeing that the thoughts, feelings and sensations that arise spontaneously give the impression, illusion or mirage, of some separate self, but it has no genuine substance in and of itself. To the best of my perception, it appears to only exist in my imagination.

When I find myself caught up in some drama, like the gradual recovery from heart break, the mirage of self seems more real, as if it contains the painful thoughts, feelings and sensations that I'm experiencing. Then again, I could be deluding myself. It wouldn't be the first time :)

Namaste,
drm