Hi Petrus.
Ok here goes! :)
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No. No there is not. A 'self', 'I' cannot be found. The belief in the existence of a 'me' has been the most insidious and entrenched lie. 'I' is just a thought and nothing else. There is a brain/body organism that reacts/responds to direct experience. There are thoughts and emotions, but there is no 'I' who owns them.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion is that we are born as the character/personality that we have always thought we were. But this personalised subjectivity has been imposed on us from a very early age, by parents, siblings, teachers, friends. as we grow up - this is reinforced repeatedly and insidiously. We live chained to this imposed subjectivity - every emotion, thought, action, decision is informed by it. There is ownership of ideas, preferences, skills, desires, opinions, of body, sensations, senses etc etc.. -yet there is no one to own these things.
There is no 'I' to be found anywhere - this is now clearly seen. 'I' is just a thought - it is a mirage, a belief, a concept ..Labels have been adhered to 'Jahara' since childhood: 'lazy', 'slow', 'pretty', 'bad at maths', 'good at art', 'short', 'stupid' , 'shy', 'nervy' - etc etc. all these "i" believed to be true and/or tried to overcome. They informed my life: decisions, fears, aversions, preferences, preoccupations .. they were thought to be 'me'. So every action - both limiting and expanding, reinforced the belief in all the character traits that were assigned to Jahara. What was the most limiting of all was believing there is a 'me' who owns these. I've always labelled myself as 'artist'. But there is no I to claim ownership of this title or any other. There is a brain/body organism that has the hand/brain coordination and ability to observe, in order to produce a picture. Painting is done but not by anyone.
Right now, in this moment, this body is seated on a chair, hands are typing, eyes are seeing, brain is thinking, feet feel the cold tiled floor, nose is smelling a freshly cut orange, ears are hearing the hum of the fridge. And there is no 'I' to own all this direct experience. Just like the dog lying on the cushion at 'my' feet, I am an animal living naturally in the world; instinctual and free of the illusion of separation with the world around me. There are still thoughts, fears, emotions, ideas for an imagined future, practical tasks to be performed etc.. but there is no longer the belief in a personal who experiences these/a 'me' who owns them - They are seen for what they are: all functions of the brain/body. 'I' is just another belief/thought. It is seen how thought creates emotion and emotion creates thought. There is no separation now between an owner and an emotion - if anything the emotions are felt more strongly because of this lack of separation - but they are seen for what they are - they are not 'mine' - nor are the thoughts. It can be watched (by no one) and not ascribed to a limited self. Seeing this feels freeing, and it is hard to fathom how it could ever have not been seen.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels freeing. There is a naturalness, of being simply what is - consciousness.. awareness. 'I' feel like what 'I' am - an animal - living instinctively with the flow of energies - of accepting what is. There are still thoughts and emotions and issues to deal with, but the difference now, from before i stared this dialogue, is that it is seen there is no one to own these things. Life goes on as it always did but at the same time it feels completely new and fresh . The feeling is of being let out of prison - the dark space, the walls; the enclosing ego wanting to keep me in the dark/the illusion of a separate self. There are the same issues and decisions but they are no longer approached by a character in this film, who has fixed preferences and fears etc.. The feeling is; the decisions/issues can be negotiated/ dealt with in a more flowing, natural way without fear-based grasping, panicked, stressed reactions. There is an acceptance more of what is and a trust in that what happens is meant to happen. There is no chaos or randomness - only what is - and that is perfect.
Something else that has happened is an even stronger aversion to media (tv, films etc) than that ever was before. An aversion to watching/listening to human drama. The favourite youtube people can no longer be watched - despite the good information they share, they are also coming from the limiting and erroneous belief in a self. This withdrawal from listening to others is a new thing - i find what they say jarring. There is a disconnect from others - from friends - from their dramas.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
My partner started working with me on this over a year ago - he got me to listen to /read the words of, many people : Jed McKenna, Steven Norquist, Bob Adamson et. al. a long list.. It has been a year of looking and seeing - of uncovering what it was thought were truths, only to dig deeper and find another truth beneath it. It has been a slow unravelling (and there is so much more to unravel - it is never ending: the peeling back, the seeing..). My partner introduced me to L.U. videos and then this site. I decided to look in earnest with the help of a guide (thank you Petrus) because I was starting to glimpse the truth of this 'I'/Jahara persona as being a fiction and felt an urgency to no longer live a lie. And I did it for this relationship with my partner - to be on the 'same page' as it were. The fear was that if I continued to be under the illusion of a fixed self, then a rift could develop. All these thoughts from the self of course, but they were the very final motivators.
Petrus, I will send these four now and answer the final two questions a little later today or early tomorrow morning. thank you. :)
Kind regards,
Jahara