Sorry about the delay, I was very busy helping unpack my new apartment.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No not in any way that can be directly seen.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It starts with a self referential thought and conditioning from childhood. Constant use of language which is built around subject and object can eventually lead to confusion that the I is actually a separate subject. The illusion itself is merely a thought, or a belief (which is really just another kind of thought), or a feeling (which is also very similar if not identical for a thought that manifests itself as a sensation in the body with other thoughts "explaining" what it is). The thought refers to something which cannot be found, the thought is pointing or referring to something which is not there.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is a lightness to things now. Less clenching around how actions differ from a view of a static self and that there isn't a self to live up to. The conflict between imagined who I am versus how I act has lessened greatly. Thoughts continue to spiral on as they always have, referring to the self. These events dissipate quicker and I feel less attached to my thoughts, emotions and my body as me. There have been moments of feeling like there is no center to this experience, moments of feeling sensations directly and they feel unrelated to each other in the common sense (like whatever combines all the senses together into a coherent concept of mind/body falls away), and other moments of it being exactly like before this dialogue but with a deeper feeling of it's not as real as it was before. (real might not be the best word but it's the only word I can come up with that is close to describing those moments)
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
2 things really solidified it for me:
So the word ‘I’ and the bodily sensations are welded together, creating the SENSE of ‘me’. The ‘sense’ part is coming from the felt sensations, and ‘me’ part is coming as a thought. When this is not seen, BUMMM! The illusion of ‘me’ is created. Can you see this?
And the dissolution of the belief that once I was looking, the self references would stop appearing. I didn't even realize I had this belief/expectation until we really got into our conversation.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Decision: Decisions just happen with no separate agent driving them. Thoughts tell stories after decision to claim ownership over them. Over the past few days I have observed decisions being made, then thoughts following as well as thoughts not following or preceding. Walking down the street, thoughts yammering on about completely unrelated things coupled with periods of no thought and just sensations, yet all decisions about how to get there, stopping when cars pass, and even extra unplanned stops were unable to be correlated to any thought or sensation directly. Therefore they flow forward without any interference or interaction on a supposed "self".
Intention: Seeming to be a precursor to decision, but it just another thought. Since intention "drives" decision and decision flows on without control. When I observed gaps in between thoughts, intention and decision drop away completely. This is not no-intention either. It seems intention lives entirely in thought and not in direct experience.
Free Will: Ah what a grandiose thought one can have. Everything is happening and that is as far as this can go. To assume agents have free will implies separate agents at all, from which I can find no agents. With no agent goes the concept of free will. Hard to elaborate in words, but when looking directly at experience, free will also falls away. It also seems to live entirely in thoughts.
Choice: In many experiments (choosing to have coffee or tea, choosing which clothes to wear and many others), I have searched for a chooser. I have searched for the choice. I have found neither, so choice is an illusion as well. Or rather the chooser and the choice are part of one event (choosing). The mind and thoughts bifurcate this into two separate entities which neither really can be found upon close and direct inspection.
Control: This idea depends entirely on the last answers. There is no way to separate it from them as it implies them. I can find no control just as I have failed to find any of the above.
6) Anything to add?
There have been more thoughts asking if there is no center and there is no self, then what is "this"? But those are just more thoughts and when looking directly, it all falls away. There has been some fear of letting go completely, but that is also quickly seen through with who is that which fears, where is it?
I'd also like to thank you for walking me through this. I had done many self-enquiry exercises in the past from a book (The Direct Path by Greg Goode), but having a guide to bounce things off of was crucial in fuller understanding.
