Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No there is not and never was
Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self arises in early childhood and is the creation and development of a sense of personal identity. It includes beliefs about what kind of person I am. All sorts of details related to my past experiences, my education, my employment, my relationships build this sense of self. It's as if this self can easily feel threatened and seems to strive to protect itself when for instance people hold contrary views to mine. It's as if negative emotions such as anger or hatred may arise because the self feels attacked and feels a need to defend itself.
I know now this separate self or 'I' is a thought story. Through repeated direct experience I have been unable to find an 'I'. It is as if experience just happens. As if the mind acts like a very fast computer. As if seeing just happens without a see-er. As if doing just happens without a do-er. It's as if things happen automatically. Thoughts just arise. I can't locate an 'I' that exerts control over thoughts or actions, or takes decisions. When an idea arises that I have taken a decision, that thought is post hoc - the action has already happened. The thought is presumably an attempt at an explanation as to what has happened or an attempt to attribute the decision to a 'self'.
In my direct experience I am unable to separate a do-er, the process of doing and the deed. There is just the experience of doing. There is then not the separateness of self from other.
I accept that the body is a thought label for my sensations. My idea about a body is based on a dynamic experience of various sensations - tactile, kinaesthetic, visual etc. This is mindboggling but true.
What remains without an 'I' is the body-mind bundle. It is dynamic, impermanent.
How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
There is more direct experience in the present which gives living a more vital quality - sometimes as if everything is being seen anew, for the first time. Without the separateness of a self there is an experience of connectedness with living beings and objects in the world around. Emotionally I feel lighter, more freed up, less weighted down and yesterday I felt some joy.
What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
The shift has come with direct experience - really examining, trying to look closely at my experience. There was the knowing, the realisation that there is just experience - seeing and doing without a see-er or a do-er.
Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for?
I examined in direct experience how various actions such as lifting an object or tapping my foot etc occur. To take an example, I have examined with direct experience how the 'decision' as to whether or not to raise my arm happens. There was no 'I' that I could find that made the choice, formed an intention or controlled when it happened ie when the arm was raised. Even when I said to myself, 'I'm about to raise my arm' - how and precisely when this then happened was mysterious.
Last night I was awake and examining my experience of changing position in bed. There were thoughts of being uncomfortable on my left side and thoughts of turning over to the other side. But the process of forming an intention or volition to turn over seemed a mystery. When I did turn over the timing of that action seemed out of my control - it seemed to just happen.
I have also examined in direct experience how thoughts occur. I tried to influence what thoughts arise but that was outside my control. I tried to cut short thoughts, but again that was outside my control. Again it's as if the mind is working as a very fast computer that generates thoughts. There is no 'I' that can determine or control them. It frees me up to know that thoughts are not mine and do not have to be believed. They seem to just arise. Based on direct experience the conclusion is that there is no free will for thought or action.
Direct experience leads to the conclusion that things just seem to happen. There is no 'I' taking decisions, no 'I' with an intention to do something, no 'I' with free will, no 'I' exerting choice or control. In a mysterious way things just seem to happen.
Presumably things happen on the basis of a multitude of conditions formed by for instance my past intentions and actions. It is a rather wonderful mystery as to how it works.
I feel a lightening of any sense of burden of responsibility. There is no 'I' to take responsibility which I guess means there is nothing I can be responsible for.
Anything to add?
Continuing gratitude to you for acting as my guide.
Roger
Ps I haven't got a facebook account but will get one and send you the details.
