Millionth time's the charm

[vinceschubert]

'morning Lars.
Ok, because i am still waiting for you to get through previous questions, i will just pick a couple of points to consider from this latest post. Finish the previous questions before responding to these ones, but having read them they will percolate in the background until you get to them.

I’m not sure I know any other way of proving something right or wrong other than eventually being convinced. But I can see how it’s sort of vague - just an idea floating around. A fiction.

Excellent. Yes, "right or wrong" are concepts, aren't they ? Stories that each cult(ure) tells slightly differently.

but I feel that whether I believe it is there is more true than actually seeing it.

i would agree with this. What is 'real' is what you respond to. If you respond to a piece of rope as if it was a snake, then that rope WAS a real snake for that moment.

Doesn’t matter whether you believe it, is it true?

From the perspective of the Lars organism, isn't "true" just another belief ? How can you know something is true ? Isn't 'true' just a consensual concept ?
Let's take that 'piece of rope' scenario, and look a little closer.
Is it accurate to say that you saw a snake ?
..or is it more accurate to say that you saw something that the brain interpreted as a snake ?
Even to say that you saw something that was black is removing us from what actually happened. How ? ..because black is a label. You might say that what was seen was *colorcolor* (even this is a label) that defined a shape that was interpreted by the brain. So a story here is that the brain does two function with this. It registers what enters through the sense organs, and it generates thoughts (story) about that sensory input.
What happens up to the point of the brain registering the input from the senses, we label 'direct experience'. What happens next is just thought fluff, until we respond to that. When we respond to the thought story (black, long, = snake) that response is 'real', even though what we responded to was just thought content.
So now, what is "belief" and "true" ?

love

vince

[Lars1]

We don't actually 'get there' in steps. We just dance around while you discover, recognize what you have always overlooked.
When you recognize a familiar face, is there any effort, or intention, or choice or control present ?

No, that does happen on its own. There’s no control, I can’t choose not to recognize a face. No effort, it’s just almost instantly familiar.

So your point here is that this is like that? Familiar? Because I’m expecting something new and groundbreaking. If I don’t know something, how can it not be new when I see it?

Am I just dancing around this entire thing. Is it really just something easily recognizable that I’m just looking right past because I’m looking for something more extraordinary? There’s some resistance to spend time with this thought. I’m afraid I’m just wasting time.

But I’ll play. What is here if I were to put in what I can already see? The most plain and mundane things about how I function that I can already recognize.

There is looking at my computer screen. The view of it. There are thoughts that supply the words. There is finger movement. Thoughts saying watch out you’re not just typing what you think you need to write. Thoughts about what is being done. Looked at my name and a feeling of came up in the chest. There is an I, thoughts say. There’s more typing. Thoughts happen, then typing. That comma never came into thought though. Thought repeating what it is I’m doing here, when I felt disoriented. There is a feeling in the left part of the chest that I instantly labelled fear. Thoughts that I should just notice what is going on.

These thoughts about what I should do - just notice things, etc.. I am implied in that thought. My mind is semi blown that I am not that thought. It keeps coming and I’m instantly tricked every time. “Just relax into it and notice what is going on”. Theories forming on what is going on. I laugh - there’s instant comparison with people who ‘made it’ and this is what is happening now.

Damn it, it feels like a huge struggle to get on top of this. I'm taking a break.

Explain how the Self is affected by "achievement" ? What is the process that happens ?

Okay, well from memory this is what happens. There has been some sort of thought previously with a goal in mind. Then something similar to that thought happens and there is a joyous feeling in the chest and my head feels lighter.

That’s the immediate feeling. I suppose there’s no physical self affected here, there’s just that feeling in the chest.

These achievements work as trophies. Once in a while there’s the thought of what you did and then there’s the feedback from others. Both gives you this feeling that you’re important - not just another drop in the ocean. This affects behavior because of the way you view yourself in the world. And that’s a story. I don’t know whether it’s just because of I’ve been at this for a few hours, but it seems clear that this doesn’t actually affect some self entity.

There’s feelings based on feedback from others, which gets translated into story of your place in the world which again makes you feel good.

[vinceschubert]

'morning Lars,

If I don’t know something, how can it not be new when I see it?

Ha, you DO know it. You just don't know what you know. That is why it is a re-cognition. You might even say a re-membering, except that last time that you knew it was before memory was really active. (when you were a baby)
Have you heard the Sufi tale of the bloke who dropped his house key in the dark doorway but went looking for it under the street light because he could see there.
You will find what you are looking for the moment seeking stops. Not because you stop it.
What you are looking for is closer than the nose on your face. You are looking past it. Over it. Around it.
It, is THIS.

Is it really just something easily recognizable that I’m just looking right past because I’m looking for something more extraordinary?

Yes, yes, yes. Although i wouldn't say that it's easily recognizable.
After you have recognized it, you will 'get' the cosmic joke. (that it was always right in front of you)
i'll give you a clue. You won't find it by looking and looking. SEEing will happen when you stop looking.
Look at this until you see the image hidden in it. Tell me your experiencing;


love

vince

[Lars1]

Hi Vince,

I should remember to thank you for doing this every now and then.

From the perspective of the Lars organism, isn't "true" just another belief ? How can you know something is true ? Isn't 'true' just a consensual concept ?
Let's take that 'piece of rope' scenario, and look a little closer.
Is it accurate to say that you saw a snake ?
..or is it more accurate to say that you saw something that the brain interpreted as a snake ?
Even to say that you saw something that was black is removing us from what actually happened. How ? ..because black is a label. You might say that what was seen was *colorcolor* (even this is a label) that defined a shape that was interpreted by the brain. So a story here is that the brain does two function with this. It registers what enters through the sense organs, and it generates thoughts (story) about that sensory input.
What happens up to the point of the brain registering the input from the senses, we label 'direct experience'. What happens next is just thought fluff, until we respond to that. When we respond to the thought story (black, long, = snake) that response is 'real', even though what we responded to was just thought content.
So now, what is "belief" and "true" ?

Everything is relative I suppose. I would call what you just named direct experience for truth and the conclusions drawn from that experience belief. What I saw in the previous situation I mentioned is that I made a pretty wild conclusion on something that couldn’t really be seen in that situation.

You could say that if someone had a defect in their brain that made them see unicorns all the time, they would still have unicorns in their direct experience but that wouldn’t make unicorns true. And you could argue that the human brain could be defect like that without us knowing it and as such I can’t state that what I see is true. I’m getting way over my head here.

I’m not particularly satisfied with that description. When I look at it again and ask what is truth, I don’t have an explanation. It’s just this vague word.

You will find what you are looking for the moment seeking stops. Not because you stop it.

So I shouldn’t stop seeking, but I will find what I’m looking for when I stop it? But without seeking I will find nothing? I hope you understand this sounds like riddles to me. But what I’m imagening is going on is that I’m distracting myself. But I do need that interest that drives the seeking to see it?

It’s a bit discouraging in that I don’t know what to do then. What you’re saying is that every day I’m just wasting time - running in a treadmill. And I would tend to accept that explanation as I haven’t moved one inch during these past two years. I’ve told myself many times during it though that NOW I’m getting some traction.

So every time I feel ‘close’, like as I described above. Getting dizzy, out of body like. What is that? Peeking at it or just more illusion? I tell myself I should do more of the writing I did above because that felt like I got somewhere. I’ll quote it here so you know what I’m talking about:

These thoughts about what I should do - just notice things, etc.. I am implied in that thought. My mind is semi blown that I am not that thought. It keeps coming and I’m instantly tricked every time. “Just relax into it and notice what is going on”. Theories forming on what is going on. I laugh - there’s instant comparison with people who ‘made it’ and this is what is happening now.

Is this a waste of time?

Look at this until you see the image hidden in it. Tell me your experiencing;

I’m not seeing anything other than a field of flowers or ballons. I’m guessing Mona Lisa or something is supposed to appear. I do remember looking at these kind of things before. It’s an automatic process where you just look at the image and then suddenly you recognize what it (also) clearly looks like. This is like that? I should just look for a me and wait for that sort of recognition?

[Lars1]

Hi Vince,

I just wanted to write something.

What am I chasing? I feel like it’s not even worth spending time on this question, it shouldn’t matter and I’ve addressed it before. Two or three times maybe.

I’m looking for something to make my life better. I have this feeling in my chest that this is what I should be doing always. It should be first priority because once I’ve got that everything else will fall into place. I’ll know exactly what to do in my life.

I’m not sure I even get as far as imagining specific things, I’m just chasing it as a missing piece that will solve everything. But sure once in a while it gets specific like - I won’t have anxiety, I’ll be content with anything but I’ll somehow get everything I’ve dreamed of anyway. Whatever desire or problem I have in any given moment, I tell myself this stuff will fix it. All of it.

Yeah, so I’m chasing an idea. Conversely, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m afraid of what I’m diving into. Not now from a distance, but at the times I mention where I thought I was close to discovering something.

I just want rip of the bandaid with closed eyes, if possible and see what I’m dealing with then.

[Lars1]

I’m not really interested in truth. I’m doing this because I want to learn how to live good life. Maybe even unrealistically good, as in perfect.

I want to get rid of fear of death, anxiety and have good feelings instead. I pin that on this, but really I could have pinned on anything else out there. Anything that seemed to provide some hope.

What I’ve been doing is ignoring this and just try to do this process anyway, just to see the results of it. But when I have the idea to look at this again, there’s sort of a counter feeling/thought to it, wondering whether this is even possible

[Lars1]

I don’t know if this is all hullabaloo, but I’ve been trying to relax as much as I can before trying to figure anything out. Relaxing feels akin to surrendering in that you loosen up resistance. And I know surrendering is supposed to be good. From this I try to trust the universe that everything is happening as it should and things will fall into place on it’s own. This is the part in particular that sounds and feels a little to mystical to me. Although there is a relief in looking at things like this. It’s a nice belief to cling onto. But there it is - it’s a belief though isn’t it? And those are bad?!

What I’m advocating for myself I guess is being openminded because what I want to see is weird to me. I guess that’s why it feels a bit too mystical/spiritual.

I’ve asked, do I really want to know my true nature. It as if that question is enough to start a small investigation. The question immediately seems like just a thought hovering in the view and there’s nothing else but these two things in that moment.

I’ve been contemplating what the benefits of truth is. What makes the truth worth learning. One is curiosity, specifically curiosity of what I am. It would also make sense to build your life on truth because you wouldn’t clash with it later. For example, say you really believed pears could make you avoid cancer. It would be quite a shock if you found out you got cancer.

[vinceschubert]

G'day Lars. Do keep looking at that stereogram until you can see the image. Keep noticing the processing as you do. It would be good if you are noticing the processing at the instant that you See it.

I’ve been contemplating what the benefits of truth is.

Did that include contemplating what "truth" is ?
Have a read of some previous rants on 'truth' and then we'll discuss it. http://vince-wisingup.blogspot.com.au/search?q=truth

And I know surrendering is supposed to be good.

Why haven't you tried it ?

I’m doing this because I want to learn how to live good life. Maybe even unrealistically good, as in perfect.

So you have expectations of becoming super human ?


love

vince

[Lars1]

I’m sorry I keep getting sidetracked. When some idea of what I should look at pops up, I feel like that is what I need to be doing. Sounds like I have non-dualism ADHD.

I think I did the same again below although I got lucky it eventually came back to the original question. What truth is. I’ll try to stick with one thing and return to the image until I see something.

I read some of your posts and I imagine I’ll go back to them as I carry along my discovery.

I like the side question to what is truth, i.e. Is this a belief.

For example I'm touching this couch I’m sitting on. There’s the feeling of it in the fingers, there’s the sound of my fingers dragging along it. But is it a belief that I know it’s there for certain? Yes.

I can feel something that feels like wood under the couch. I’m pretty certain that if I look under it there will be wood. So there’s a correlation. If I asked someone else to feel underneath the couch they would say that’s wood.

My definition so far is that truth is what really is. This is a fantasy of some underlying reality that I haven’t seen yet. But I imagine that it’s there, undiscovered. That’s a belief as well, based on this site among other things.

What really is - that keeps lingering as my definition. Things as they appear to me untainted by thought, what you called direct experience. When there’s seen a difference between what happened and what I interpreted, I would call the former truth. I would only be able to see this if I noticed this wrong interpretation in the moment or looking back at it afterwards. Though I mostly only look if it was a negative interpretation. If it’s something positive I would happily let that fly, I wouldn’t even think to notice it - why would I?

Ok, so the world uninterpreted by thought - that’s where I am at with truth now.
Though, I must say in practical terms I’m not living that. I accept the incoming thoughts as true.

Interpretations - they’re not even there as thoughts though are they. I can hear the ticking of a clock and it is just ingrained in me that this sound is from a clock.

I see you did the spiritual autolysis thing. I’ve wondered whether I should be doing that. What I know for certain, seems like a good definition on truth. So this seems like an invitation to do that.

Do I know for certain that I’m in control? When I look back at what I just wrote I can see that I jumped around, with very little coherence.

I know that I am here. In the midst of all this drama. No, I guess I don’t. Is it a belief? The fact that I exist in this universe is something I believe. So it’s a belief that could be true. There it is again, truth - In this case it means if the belief/the thought content matches something I can clearly see/feel. My unquestionable experience.

But I’m questioning whether what I call unquestionable experience is true. The sensations of pressing on the keyboard. That could be an illusion. The matrix keeps popping up in my mind. I’ve read some Bryan Magee and one thing he mentions is that everything such as the sensation of walking into a table is all controlled by impulses from the brain. So all of this could be a giant illusion projected like a movie where you’re inside a character. Except, if I returned from being inside a character in a movie, I would wake to a world just like it, only in a different body. I don’t know what the outside of this illusion look like. I imagine it wouldn’t be like waking up to a similar world to the one I’m, like in the matrix.

Urgh.. Am I just playing around with ideas here? I keep asking you whether I'm doing this right because my intuition of it seems to be dead wrong.

Why haven't you tried it ?

Well, I have no idea of how to do that. Surrendering this right now would to me mean walking away from it, which would mean I would never get it. Sometimes when investigating something, it feels like there’s this invisible walls that’s pushing me away. I would reckon this would be a time to just surrender. This is just because I’m guessing that I subconsciously am avoiding truth. In this context truth is once again some hidden thing I haven’t seen yet. Even more important perhaps is that I haven’t been able to surrender and my concept of it is limited to just relaxing into something.

When I was doing this search on my own, I had one moment where it sort of seemed like I surrendered and then the borderline of my vision sort of blew right open and I thought this is it. It all seemed like oneness. Then there was a feeling that I now just had to accept that this was all there was to it. Then everything returned to normal and I tried to do it again. You know the drill.

[vinceschubert]

'morning Lars.
Ok, good. We are focusing down on key points now. Let's stay with 'surrender' and 'truth' (reality ?) and they will take us through the portal.

Surrendering this right now would to me mean walking away from it,

This is not the definition of surrender that i point to with that word here.
Surrender is a no control attitude. Well actually even that doesn't cut it.
A willing acceptance feels better. A passive acceptance (possibly) has elements of despair. A willing acceptance has an element of embracing, of welcoming. This is more like what i mean. Not just an absence of resistance, but an invitation to, what life presents.
To make this point, consider that anything else if futile. By the time a happening is noticed, it is already past tense. The mind will try to pretend that it is still happening or about to happen, just to propagate the illusion of a Self in control (both of which are illusion), but as it is actually done, the wise are already considering consequence.

Now, let's examine what (it seems) is Real.
If everything outside of sensory input is conceptual (you DO agree with this, don't you ?) then what is the reality of, say touch, or hearing, etc ?
It's the same for all five physical senses, so let's take sound as an example.
Say the sound of the refrigerator. We have a story from science and biology that what is actually happening is that the fridge is causing the air to vibrate. When you are within the range of that vibrating air then it causes the ear drum to vibrate synchronistically. This in turn vibrates those little bones inside the ear which in turn sends a nerve signal to the brain. The brain then translates this into an experience of sound.
Now we could stop there as the end of a hearing experience, but the next step can't be separated from this. The next step is where the brain consults its' database for historical reference. This is when the sound is given the label of 'fridge sound'.
What we have before the historical database was consulted it Direct Experience. After that we have conceptual overlay.
So, if a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there, does it make a sound ?

love

vince

[Lars1]

I like this attitude. As I understand it’s just riding whatever wave life presents. I’m curious, is it not helpful to hold the belief that everything happens for a good reason to practice this? Sort an unconditional trust in the universe or life, whatever it brings.

To make this point, consider that anything else if futile. By the time a happening is noticed, it is already past tense. The mind will try to pretend that it is still happening or about to happen, just to propagate the illusion of a Self in control (both of which are illusion)

I understand, but am unclear on how this relates to surrendering. Do you mean that it doesn’t make sense to do anything else than accept what happens, as once you actually noticed something you want to do differently, it is already too late?

No wait I think I understand. What I’m mixing in here is that there can be a thought about a future event and I can decide (as far as I can see) what to do with it. It can go either way - I can go to the event or not. However I can see how it doesn’t make sense to do anything else than accepting what happens, as you said, because it will already be in past tense when noticing it.

I’m confusing it with choice I think, which is different rabbit hole.

How do I apply surrendering to this process then?

If everything outside of sensory input is conceptual (you DO agree with this, don't you ?)

Yes

then what is the reality of, say touch, or hearing, etc ?

I’m stuck here. They are there like thoughts are. They are inside this field of experience, but regarding the truth of them. I’m not sure what else to say other than I can’t say with certainty that they are real.

There’s nothing to put it in context against as far as I can see. Like I can put the thought content in context to direct experience and it’s obvious that the thought content is false - or can be.

All I can do is question the validity of my sensory inputs. And rightly so, I have no idea whether they are real. One of the things that makes it seem convincing is that there’s some coherence in the inputs. If I see a tree, it will feel and smell like a similar tree I’ve seen before. If I hear a clock tick, than if I turn around and look there will almost definitely be a clock.

Science is something that strikes as proof of truth. But even that could be an illusion. In a dream there could be all sorts of scientific rules that applies within that dream.

Again, I feel stuck on whether direct experience is true. I haven’t spent a huge amount of time on it yet, but could you give me a clue?


You wrote this in one of your posts on your blog:

Judgements are born of beliefs. We react to our judgements (likes/dislikes, good/bad etc)
If we are reacting to judgement we certainly aren't reacting to the actual.

That rang true to me. What happened is I recognized what you describe here in a situation and it seemed to fit that image. So truth here would seem to be when words are an accurate description of something I’ve experienced.

So okay, truth is a description of how things really are. If we’re caught in a dream world, then the only truth we can learn is the way things really are about our dream world. Unless we could get out of it or had the ability to look out of it.

[vinceschubert]

'morning Lars.

is it not helpful to hold the belief that everything happens for a good reason

Ha, this question unleashed a torrent..
Can you choose to hold a belief ?
Can a belief remain a belief when it is known to be a belief ?
It's obvious that beliefs are thoughts, but they are more than thoughts that are just passing through. How so ?
Is purpose ("a good reason") anything more than concept ?, Thoughts ?
Does life have meaning, other than thoughts about it ?

an unconditional trust in the universe or life, whatever it brings.

Is trust more than a belief ?
Holding certain beliefs can make us feel better (or worse), but isn't this where suffering starts ? Do we need to protect a 'good' belief from contradictory beliefs ? How might this happen ? (what is the process ?)

Do you mean that it doesn’t make sense to do anything else than accept what happens, as once you actually noticed something you want to do differently, it is already too late?

Yes, yes, yes. It not only "doesn't make sense", but is actually impossible to change it. Would you agree ?

I’m confusing it with choice I think, which is different rabbit hole.

Not such a different rabbit hole. i put it to you that actual choice is an illusion. An illusion that is born from belief. All of our lives we have been conditioned to believe that we have choice about how we will be in the future. "Try harder", "Be good", "Do this, do that" etc. In actual fact it is like saying that the sun chooses to shine or a tree chooses to grow (or die). Do you choose to breathe or digest your food ? Do you choose which thought to have ?
When you look back on any event and consider the conditions involved, could it have happened any other way ? Choose something that you did in the last hour and consider the conditions that led to it happening. Could it have been different ?
Is choice more than a belief ?

How do I apply surrendering to this process then?

Would a choice be involved in this ?

If everything outside of sensory input is conceptual (you DO agree with this, don't you ?)

Yes
then what is the reality of, say touch, or hearing, etc ?
I’m stuck here. They are there like thoughts are. They are inside this field of experience, but regarding the truth of them. I’m not sure what else to say other than I can’t say with certainty that they are real.

Ok, good.
There is a sensory stimulation. Then there is the interpretation of it. Then there is the response to the interpretation. Then there is the interpretation of the response. Then there is the response to that interpretation, etc. All happening in an instant. No time for consideration. The interpretation is the result of conditioning (of beliefs)
Where does truth fit in with this ?

If I see a tree, it will feel and smell like a similar tree I’ve seen before. If I hear a clock tick, than if I turn around and look there will almost definitely be a clock.

Yes, and this is both convenient and efficient, but can you SEE that it is firstly relating to what is imagined and only partially relating to the actual ?
We see a tree and as soon as the mind labels it "tree", we stop looking and start relating to the image of a tree that is built from previous experiences.

Science is something that strikes as proof of truth.

No, that is a laymans belief about science. Scientists will all say that it's all just current theory. Until some new discovery comes along to change it. All science is evolving. (eg. up until only a couple of years ago, science believed that the human brain was fixed once adulthood arrived.)

If we’re caught in a dream world

Can we know that we are dreaming while we are dreaming ? (exclude lucid dreaming for the moment) ...or put it another way, it's only when we wake up that we know that we were dreaming, but what if we only dreamt that we woke up but were actually still in a dream ?
How do you know that this is not a dream ?

love

vince

[Lars1]

Here’s my thinking on choice:
I don’t choose my thoughts. There’s no fish bowl of thoughts and then out of that, I stick my hand in and choose which one to arrive.

There are thoughts of both side of a case and then something get done and one will seem more appealing than the other.

If you stand in front of a pig and you hold a big, ripe berry in your right hand and a small, unripe berry in the left. The pig looks at both and goes to the ripe berry. Is this not choice? This is the principle that the Whiskas commercials are founded on. Are you saying that’s based on shaky grounds?! I smell a lawsuit.

There are seemingly multiple opportunities to pick from and I guess that confuses me. On the other hand I don’t choose what feels more appealing, nor do I choose the arguments for either case.

I’ve changed my mind on what I’ve wrote about choosing a subject earlier. Obviously I don’t choose a subject to work on. A thought appears to do that, which I didn’t choose.

Do you choose to breathe or digest your food ?

No, good example. There are others were it is obvious, I have no choice. I don’t choose to hear, see or feel something if someone pokes me. But I can hold my breath. There’s an impulse to doing something. If I look at chocolate, there’s an impulse to eat it. I don’t choose or control the impulse, but if I don’t adhere to it and walk away that seems like a choice was made.

I’ll do an experiment. I’ve decided to lift the cup next to me. I didn’t choose that thought, it was just a decision being made. Huh. It would seem a decision can be made without choosing. I’m not sure there was a decision or if it was just impulse and movement - and an imagined link between them.

Ok lifting the cup - Again the experiment is, I’ve decided to lift the cup. The interim between not lifting the cup and lifting the cup, would seem to be dependent on when I lift the cup.

There are impulses where I thought I would have lifted the cup but I didn’t. Thoughts of: I’m going to lift it now - but I didn’t. When I actually did lift the cup, I couldn’t sense the decision. Although it was and is still what I assume happened. A belief I suppose.

Doing it again, it seems there’s a small impulse in trying to surprise myself. And so I feel convinced that I did make a decision.

Okay, I’m jumping to the next hypothesis then. That a decision is being made but I didn’t choose it. There’s an impulse to write all of this of as crazy and a waste of time. But I want to keep at it. This seems like a story.

That’s all I have time for today. I’ll continue with the other questions.

Yes, yes, yes. It not only "doesn't make sense", but is actually impossible to change it. Would you agree ?

Well, I understand it and agree - but I’ll need to see that I’m still in the situation is an illusion. I'll work on that.

[Lars1]

Just to be clear, this is the part I was talking about in the end of the last post.

The mind will try to pretend that it is still happening or about to happen, just to propagate the illusion of a Self in control (both of which are illusion), but as it is actually done, the wise are already considering consequence.

[vinceschubert]

'morning Lars

a decision is being made but I didn’t choose it.

Good SEEing. Yes, choice, decisions, intentions etc do happen but are not made by a Self. Story here is that it is conditions. Now this is just a story on the way to accepting the mysteries of how things work. An interim 'position'. For anything to happen, it takes all of the conditions that it depends upon, to align. Usually the organism only contributes a small number of them. Later you will appreciate that even they are no different to the other dependent conditions. Life presents all of the conditions. ..and a little later again, you will appreciate that there is no cause and effect, and that conditions are not really conditions, but are just indicators of a process. ...but we jump ahead of ourselves here.

If you stand in front of a pig and you hold a big, ripe berry in your right hand and a small, unripe berry in the left. The pig looks at both and goes to the ripe berry. Is this not choice?

Certainly it's a choice, but no pig self made it. The pig organism was conditioned (it learned) that the smell and color of the ripe berry would yield the better experience.

but if I don’t adhere to it and walk away that seems like a choice was made.

Exactly. It SEEMS like a choice was made, and just like a politician the mind picks the bits that suits its' purpose. In this case the purpose is to avoid at all costs the unpleasant sensation that accompanies the idea of not being in control.

There’s an impulse to write all of this of as crazy and a waste of time.

Yes, of course, This is how the mind steers you back to the seeming safety of the familiar. Boredom is another tool that the mind uses to stay with what it (thinks it) knows.

but I’ll need to see that I’m still in the situation is an illusion.

Ok, but rather than looking for something that looks like something else, focus on the process of what is actually happening. Then when you look up from seeing what is actually happening the illusion has evaporated and it becomes obvious how it had been created.
Lars, i'm excited by the 'progress' that i see. Looking forward to your take on the other questions.

love

vince