Nona,
May I suggest you ask, rather, WHAT is reacting, or WHAT is the reaction for?
There is no separate entity "who" that could react or for whom the reaction might be. Asking "Who" questions is like trying to divide by zero: there is no answer as it's an unreasonable question.
I like the suggestion. WHO implies a separate self that does not exist. I notice using the word WHO is an old habit.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
I have no proof of one and cannot find any proof that doesn’t rely on thoughts/beliefs which also cannot be proven. I wonder what life would be like having never been taught a separate self.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
For me it starts with a sensation, followed by a belief or thought. Could be an image, then followed by labels that create separation. Also could be the sensation of touch, and thoughts of it / me. Could also be hearing something and followed by beliefs that “they said this” or “she said that” and then attachment and more beliefs. I attach to a collection of thoughts/beliefs and form the identity of me, a separate self. Then it cascades as I believe more and attach more, it appears that the sensations are proof (seeing, hearing, touching, etc) but really in my experience the “proof” comes from beliefs/thoughts that are not fact. With only sensation and no thought/belief about the sensation there is no separation. The sensation itself becomes a projection of mind if I sit with it. The result is the awareness that I am not the do-er. No future and no past. Just observing.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
For me it is a relief. I am relieved of the weight of responsibility, the need to control, compete, survive, etc. It feels like a layer beneath the layer beneath the layer, to infinity of no-self. Everything feels a projection of mind, even the sensations, even the concept of mind itself. I am given a true experience of letting go of all of it, complete surrender. The reactions have changed, or rather the attachments have changed. It feels like freedom, and remains very accessible. And, I understand it will attach again, because that is what it does - but it can be observed differently with this understanding. It comes, it goes but the fact of no-self remains.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
What made me look initially is my own experience in asking the question “Do I exist?” and not really finding proof other than beliefs about “I” when I looked. The harder it became to find an “I” the more I wanted to look. I then started focusing more on times when this “I” was upset, sad, depressed, angry, etc. I felt detached doing this a lot of the times, as if I was observing someone else, even though it was the “I” being observed. This gap allowed me to be more objective about what was happening and be less triggered even when it was triggered. As I peeled the onion I saw less and less that pointed to a real self, the illusion unfolded.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work? What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I find that it is all just happening. Something else is in charge, or not, and all of the decisions, intentions, free will, etc happen after the fact. The only thing I am truly responsible for is staying clear, clear of things like I am not the do-er, everybody/everything is innocent, I am everyone/everything and everyone/everything is me. I am responsible for staying connected through this, and then looking to see how I can be of service. I am responsible for my suffering. Yesterday someone said “Thank You” to Katie and she asked, “Who said Thank You?” The person responded, “I did.” She asked for proof. There was none, except a past and some vague images. I really see that. How it all works is really none of my business and I find I don’t need to understand other than to understand my connection, and my suffering when I lose that connection. Intention, free will, choice and control are illusions or stories to help calm the fears. In this society we label people heroes and criminals for these things, but really the only thing people have is clarity or a lack of clarity. That is actually just a story too. One story compared to the opposite, clarity compared to confusion, hero - villain, good - bad, pretty - ugly, failure - success, etc.
6) Anything to add?
I notice how much I love not being able to find a separate self and how this connects me to everything and everyone. At first when this concept was introduced to me years ago it was terrifying, but now I find it calming and very peaceful. The mere image of a stranger’s face is completely different to me. I am struck with beauty, compassion, empathy and still notice it is all a projection - every pixel. And I notice the stories, identities and reactions that help me see where I am confused. I noticed a short sense of guilt when I hadn’t responded in so long, but I laughed when I noticed it - it doesn’t make sense to me but there it was. I saw a dog hit and killed front of me two days ago, I was trying to help it get out of the road but a woman didn’t see it and hit it about 60mph, it died instantly. It was thrown about 50 feet and I noticed my attention went to the woman who hit it. She was crying and very upset, I hugged her and told her it wash’t her fault - I saw the whole thing and there was nothing she could do. That felt like clarity to me, like it knew where to put the attention and energy. I felt connected to all of it, the dog, the owner, the woman who hit it. It was all happening.
Gardener
