Hi Sandra :-) ,
[This post is very long too - thank you for bearing with me in this!!!!]
bejahu wrote:
I realised I've got a lot of fear of failure coming up and one part of my mind is saying this is all nonsense and the other part of my mind is trying to convince that part that it's not and I can do this.
If / when this happen again, can you please look to the experience itself and describe what is going on without telling the story of what you think is going on?
I think this is what I managed to do yesterday morning, I felt where the feelings were in my body, this was when they released and I felt a lot more comfortable. I could see the division of my minds talking - if this feeling happens again, I will aim to look at it more closely.
What can you see being experienced? Fear of failure or a mix of thoughts and sensations labeled as "fear of failure", as a way to make sense of what is being experienced?
I'm fairly certain it's a labelled mix of thoughts and sensations, although it isn't here at the moment.
bejahu wrote:
My experience is that thoughts happen in my head
How do you know this? Is this a thought or is this experienced?
This must have been a thought. Thoughts don't feel like they're confined to my head now. There is a feeling of 'hearing' them in my head, but the thoughts themselves are mostly outside it.
bejahu wrote:
(It seems that I didn't shake off the thoughts about this being stupid and pointless, the thoughts just went subconscious.)
Same here. How do you know thoughts went subconscious? Is this a thought or is this experienced?
If there is no self - having conscious or unconscious thoughts - how can any kind of thoughts be shaken off?
Are you expecting to have control over thoughts? How will that happen?
Is this something that you are trying to do, not to be concerned with thoughts? How is it going? Can you do it?
My reasoning that the thoughts went subconscious was that I wasn't aware of them but they were plainly still affecting me. (I tried to find a subconscious yesterday without success.) I am trying to be unconcerned with thoughts... I have found that, if I'm unconcerned by them, they just go away, HOWEVER *trying* to be unconcerned by them plainly doesn't work - and possibly just makes me unaware of them consciously so that they do what I've been calling 'going subconscious' (this is last bit is speculation, I know).
bejahu wrote:
I was thinking that the mind is kind of a nest of thoughts, but then it seemed to me that the mind is more like gravity in my awareness, or a magnetic field that attracts certain thoughts - as in I don't attract thoughts about being a millionaire who lives in Singapore because I don't have that kind of thought-gravity/magnetism/attraction - or, if I pursue that thought, it's so plainly untrue that it has absolutely no meaning to me or power over me. If I dwell on that thought, it doesn't *think* further thoughts, but it does attract further thoughts about what it might be like to be a millionaire in Singapore. The thoughts move and change, but I still don't feel that thoughts actually think, although they seem to have a bit of a life of their own. Now I'm not holding the Singapore millionaire thoughts they're drifting away, like on a piece of loose elastic.
Where is this mind, how do you know it exists?
Are you saying that you can attract some thoughts? How?
The nest of thoughts mind definitely doesn't exist. I was looking at this yesterday and it does seem to me that, if I have a certain type of thought which I identify with, it attracts more of the same (maybe this is thoughts thinking?). However, it's not me that attracts them, I don't know where they come from or why they come along.
So, what I hear you say - correct me if I'm wrong - is that some thoughts seem to have more gravity/magnetism/attraction than others.
Can you look and tell me which ones, please. I'm guessing that are the ones that are all about you :)
You're darn right - it's because I'm so cool! ;-D [I still don't understand how I attract the thoughts about me that I do attract (if I do 'attract' them)... but that's going down the road into some serious THINKING, lol] (I hope I'm not the only one who finds this so tough in a way I can't describe...)
bejahu wrote:
Yes, I remember this happening earlier, I can't remember what the thoughts were, but there were 2 of them simultaneously.
Can you have the thoughts "shower" and "wine" simultaneously, or the thoughts "flower" and "monkey" or the thoughts "I" "am" "thinking" "thoughts"? Are you sure that two thoughts can happen at the same time?
I thought you'd ask about this ;-) so I looked into it some more. The way I remember it happening was that I was having a train of thought about something and another thought popped up quickly to remind me about something else - it's possible the train of thought stopped while the reminder thought was there. 'Shower', 'wine', 'flower' and 'monkey' can all be thought in very quick succession, but not at exactly the same time (unless I change them so that I'm having a glass of wine in the shower or the monkey is holding a flower, but I'm fairly confident that doesn't count).
bejahu wrote:
In my experience, I've also found that you can have a subconscious stream of thought (particularly negative thought) running that can be masked by conscious thought and which comes back to the fore when the conscious thinking stops.
How do you know that what you are saying here is real? How are the conscious and subconscious experienced? Can you see unconscious thoughts happening? Can you find a division between conscious and subconscious when you look to what is here? Or conscious and subconscious? - where are they if you look to what is around you?
I don't know that this is really what's happening - it's the only explanation that makes sense (to Beverley). I don't experience the subconscious, and I'm not aware of it in any way. I have been told that scientists are certain it exists, and it is a helpful way to explain a lot of my experiences with persistent negative thoughts. Or at least it has been a helpful way until now... Some negative thoughts, sometimes, seem to stick to me like glue and, whenever I had what ought to have been a peaceful moment, there they were, making my (Beverley's) life a misery.
I can't see any sort of division between them, there is awareness and then there is (maybe) what isn't in awareness (no, I can't see what isn't in awareness...).
bejahu wrote:
I feel that they're just 'out there' and then they come to you if you do something / see something, etc, that attracts them. I can't see any sign of their origin.
Are you saying that somewhere there is a place full of thoughts that are attracted to you by something you do or see? Is this something that can be confirmed? How?
The feeling was that thoughts are floating around in space and then they, kind of, sense blood in the water, like piranhas or sharks, and they come and getcha... HOWEVER, I have no evidence that this is what's happening because I don't know what thoughts get up to, or if they exist, when they aren't in my awareness.
bejahu wrote:
I don't think you can stop them, they like to keep flowing, sometimes fast. I do get a feeling that they have a kind of pleasure in moving, but maybe that's my imagination being overactive...
That is a nice story but do you really think thoughts can feel pleasure?
I don't know. I have no evidence that they do, but I have no evidence that they don't either... I accept that my imagination is probably working overtime.
bejahu wrote:
To where do they go when they aren't being experienced?
I don't know, I just feel they move out of awareness.
Good! When you allow yourself to not know you stop going into a story and start seeing what is really happening.
This is also my experience.
Oh good!!! Thank you! :-) (I see that I am trying to protect myself/Beverley with stories - this doesn't make sense.)
bejahu wrote:
I can choose to think about something, like purple rabbits hopping around;
Are you sure? Did you choose to think about purple rabbits hopping around or these thoughts just popped into your awareness?
I did wonder at the time why specifically purple rabbits came to me - they did just pop into my awareness.
I know this post is VERY long, and I'm so grateful to you for giving me your time. I would just like to add that I've been looking into who enjoys knitting socks. I used to think that Beverley enjoyed knitting socks, but I've just found out that my body and awareness enjoy knitting socks; this didn't make much sense at first but, after I sat with it for a bit, it made at least as much sense as Beverley enjoying knitting socks.
:-)
Beverley.