Ready for a guide

[alexmcca]

Just an update :-)....

I am investigating the felt sense/sensations I mentioned. Really looking for "me" ... and they move and start to melt and then it focuses right in on the heart and the beating of my heart. And the thought comes ... "mistaking the beating heart for "me"". Who is thinking that thought .. just a thought. (I have used 'focusing' before quite a lot... but never to look for "me" in it).

[alexmcca]

Hi again, another update :-)

I *really* looked, until the head on this body felt like it might explode!!

After very strong sensations in my upper body and head .... I took a break and there was a prolonged (a few minutes) sense of something different. Realisation that this wasn't the way I had imagined it. It was not that any of the emotions or stories were no longer occurring, but that there was just nothing for them to attach "to" - nothing to hold them in place. I have read other's saying this, but I just sort of "knew it" then.

Emotions went passed a little - like distant. However, I was then with someone and "they" were doing something that has been a trigger for "me", and the reactions and sensations were associated to and felt as strongly as ever. Right there. I did notice this after a while and something different ..... there were also thoughts of - "oh damn, I thought something was different, maybe it isn't".

It occurred to me too that being in the flow, as I was talking about before, was not about something being "added" to produce that experience, but simply about the absence of the "I" thought... the absence of a thought about "me" owning the experience. Again, I have probably read other's saying something similar.... but it seemed obvious and known in a different way.

[tryfailtry]

I can't find anything substantial. I just find a thought, an image, a sensation. No tangible "I" or "who" or "me". But such a quick succession of thoughts, images and sensations that it seems to weave a strong sense of something tangible, that isn't...

Can you find the 'what'- that is doing this weaving? Look at the thoughts, the images, and the sensations and see if you can locate or find the cause of those? Maybe they just appear all by themselves? Have a good look at this. And this "I" that can't find anything- Can you find that?

In direct experience this "I" is a strong felt sense... sensations located in the back, shoulders, neck, head, eyeballs... it has a shape - takes in part of the backbone and the brain, but stops there. It "seems" like the size of this area in the actual body, but then the feeling seems to be around my head too. Very strong sensation. Feels very "embedded"... very "this is ME!!!". It is a feeling and an image of it.

That feeling and that image you are referring to- can you elaborate on that? - If frustration comes up- where did it come from?- and can you find the 'what'- that caused it?

If this sense of 'I" is eluding you- what is it eluding? - its ok to think about these things- maybe have a look outside a window and notice 'movement' (not on some scientific atomic level)- but just movement- is there something controlling that?

Then see if you can locate the 'what' that sees that- the 'what' that experiences arising thoughts or arising sensations.

And the thought comes ... "mistaking the beating heart for "me"". Who is thinking that thought .. just a thought. (I have used 'focusing' before quite a lot... but never to look for "me" in it).

What chose that particular thought? Maybe it just came out of nowhere? Who did this thought come to?- if you drop your name- which is merely a label anyway - do you cease to exist?- If a hand is now called a "wiggly woo"- does it lose it's function? :) If we were to call rain "liquid sky stuff"- does it stop falling from the sky? Look at your keyboard- your screen- anything around you- if they are nameless- do they stop working or having their inherent function?

Again- it may seem like a lot to take in. Take your time with it. See if you can trace back the choices that seemed to be made that landed you here. What is controlling the thoughts- the sensations- the feelings that arise? Can you find the controller of any of that?

[tryfailtry]

It occurred to me too that being in the flow, as I was talking about before, was not about something being "added" to produce that experience, but simply about the absence of the "I" thought... the absence of a thought about "me" owning the experience. Again, I have probably read other's saying something similar.... but it seemed obvious and known in a different way.

Can you find what it occurred to?

you say "was not about something being "added" to produce that experience, but simply about the absence of the "I" thought"........good.....can you find anything that could perhaps do any adding? or taking away?- You are looking right at it! Keep looking. Indulge. Explorer until its crystal clear.

[alexmcca]

Thank you so much.

I am looking at this. Emotions (well sensations labelled) coming up now...quite strong... including frustration. But when looked at just seems to be there and can't find a "what" that caused it. Just a flow of thoughts, sensations..... The feeling is strong. phew.

If I drop the name "Alex" then yes, it did seem that "I" would cease to exist. But a hand would keep its function no matter what it is called.... (wiggly woo :-))

will keep looking....

[tryfailtry]

I am looking at this. Emotions (well sensations labelled) coming up now...quite strong... including frustration. But when looked at just seems to be there and can't find a "what" that caused it. Just a flow of thoughts, sensations..... The feeling is strong. phew.

You are doing just fine- this strong feeling that you are experiencing- what is it happening to? What happens when I tell you its just happening and there is nothing you can do about it- it showed up all by itself didn't it?- What will you do to make it go away? What happened to you when you felt happiness or sadness? Did you control when they came up? When they left? Or whatever you did that made them seemingly go away at your 'own' efforts?

[alexmcca]

Yes. It is like it showed up by itself... but then realising in answering your questions -- it was like "I will focus on it and allow it in, to allow it to go away"... so there is the "I" again 'causing' everything. There is the thought that by using the processes/techniques I know, or by "doing the looking", "I" caused emotions to go away.

So, looking more ... then it seems more like.... the feeling came, a thought came "I am feeling this"... then the feeling was stronger and a thought came "I am making this worse"... then the feeling leaves and the thought comes "I released the feeling by doing a) or b)".

So the "I" thoughts arise and 'take' possession of things that were just happening anyway.....

[tryfailtry]

Yes. It is like it showed up by itself... but then realising in answering your questions -- it was like "I will focus on it and allow it in, to allow it to go away"... so there is the "I" again 'causing' everything. There is the thought that by using the processes/techniques I know, or by "doing the looking", "I" caused emotions to go away.

I'm going to nudge you- stay with me. Doing great! Focus! - What focuses and allows it in?- If it is already there- what let it in? Can a hand hold itself? Can an eye see itself? If you can perceive it- its not you- Keep looking.

"So there is the 'I' again 'causing' everything- you say. This is a thought- The relevance of its content is not important- what is important is that its revealed as merely a thought. Do you own these techniques and processes you use? How did they come to you?

So, looking more ... then it seems more like.... the feeling came, a thought came "I am feeling this"... then the feeling was stronger and a thought came "I am making this worse"... then the feeling leaves and the thought comes "I released the feeling by doing a) or b)".

So the "I" thoughts arise and 'take' possession of things that were just happening anyway.....

Look and see if this "I" thought is anything more than a label. Seems to just show up doesn't it? When? Does it matter when?


you say "So the "I" thoughts arise and 'take' possession of things that were just happening anyway"- now we are getting somewhere! Stay with that. Really take in what you said there.

If inclined- describe the sensations around all this- what is happening- and to whom?

[alexmcca]

Well lol! I went out for a walk... and .... feelings of intense frustration, anger, thoughts "I'll never get this!", "yes, there is a ME! this is ME ME ME!".... "When will this end!"... "I want to give up!".
Anyway, just letting you know... this may be a good thing!

Back to what you say here. Yes, seems that life is just interactions all interacting.... and when "I" focus... it is actually more like seeing the word "focus" where you wrote it and muscles in the head tense and images appear and then at some point a thought "I am focusing"....

[alexmcca]

There is something "I" don't understand. On this site there are quotes along the lines of things I've seen many times before. Here is one that is used as a pointer for this work:

"we hold beliefs we never even stop to think about or call into question"

-- who or what is the "we" that can be holding a belief? who is stopping to think about it? who or what is calling it into question?

Surely, it is all just another thought? "I am thinking" is a thought. "I am believing the thought I just thought" is a thought?

As a pointer, isn't this just reinforcing the concept of there being an "I" that is able to observe what is being "believed"?

[tryfailtry]

Well lol! I went out for a walk... and .... feelings of intense frustration, anger, thoughts "I'll never get this!", "yes, there is a ME! this is ME ME ME!".... "When will this end!"... "I want to give up!".
Anyway, just letting you know... this may be a good thing!

Back to what you say here. Yes, seems that life is just interactions all interacting.... and when "I" focus... it is actually more like seeing the word "focus" where you wrote it and muscles in the head tense and images appear and then at some point a thought "I am focusing"....

What happens when I say there is nothing to figure out? How does one give up? And frustration is normal. The mind can't figure this out- the mind is just a tool. Can you find the mind?

How does one focus? Would you focus unless you were told by me? Or by a thought that pops up randomly? Is there something that says "Ok- I'm going to think up a thought to that tells me to focus- and them I'm going to do it!"?

In your walk- did you step outside and turn your ears on?- hit the power button on your eyes? Or did seeing and hearing and tons of other nuances just happen? Were you in control of anything you saw or heard- the wind- your feet moving- turning left- turning right? Or does it all just happen? Can you find the controller?

[alexmcca]

Thanks again, so much, for the nudges!!

What happens when I say there is nothing to figure out? How does one give up? And frustration is normal. The mind can't figure this out- the mind is just a tool. Can you find the mind?

Nothing to figure out, sounds like bliss! Also, sounds true. No, I can't find the mind. There is noone to give up.... it all just is, and keeps being .....

How does one focus? Would you focus unless you were told by me? Or by a thought that pops up randomly? Is there something that says "Ok- I'm going to think up a thought to that tells me to focus- and them I'm going to do it!"?

It comes up .... I don't think it is random.... but it is nothing to do with there being a "me". No - there is not something that says "Ok, I'm going to think up a thought.... " etc.

What helped me was thinking of it all like interactions.... thoughts which may more likely lead to other thoughts about cars for instance rather than thoughts about sheep.... however, the initial thought... well it is there.... maybe something in the world just happens and "triggers" the conditions for a certain thought.... but while thoughts may "influence" or lead to each other in this way... it is nothing to do with there being a "me". I hope that makes sense!?

In your walk- did you step outside and turn your ears on?- hit the power button on your eyes? Or did seeing and hearing and tons of other nuances just happen? Were you in control of anything you saw or heard- the wind- your feet moving- turning left- turning right? Or does it all just happen? Can you find the controller?

[/quote]

No, seeing and hearing just happening as you say. Attention may move more to one thing eg: sound of wind .... but that also just happens. I think that is one area where I was getting caught up... seemed like there was an "I" directing attention.... but again, it just happens that way... and the "I" is just a thought afterwards - "I moved my attention".

I am about to go out for the evening. While I am out with people I will really look at how experience is unfolding......

I will write again tomorrow. Thank you so much again.....

[tryfailtry]

I am about to go out for the evening. While I am out with people I will really look at how experience is unfolding......

I will write again tomorrow. Thank you so much again...

Great! it appears you are looking in the right direction- so stay with it- you are ripe with enthusiasm and I can tell your intentions are true.

I have plans tonight as well- Me and some of the other guides are going to the moon to look back on earth to see how everything is going. :)

Take notice in other people tonight as well- what is controlling them?

[alexmcca]

Hello. Hope the trip to the moon went well :-)

ok. I was very keen and enjoying this at the start, but more like an intellectual level. Then I went through a really tough "bit", but I am starting to enjoy this process now in a new way. Feels more like an exploration. I no longer feel the need to put every occurrence of the word I in "" (quotes) now either. It is just a useful word.

There is shifting. I don't know how to express it in words too well. I wanted to post as this is happening, as it may help others reading this.

So having breakfast this morning.... I noticed how many of the thoughts occurring were about "well I'll still have to do that later"... and then "ok, so there is no self, but this body will still have to do that later". So I decided (just easier to put it this way!) to look at this... and look at the idea of "later" ... of 5 minutes from now and of tomorrow at 4pm when I have an appointment with a client.

I saw more clearly that... those are just thoughts, and... it all just happens. There is no I involved or necessary. The 'I' is just one of the thoughts in a sequence. So this body will be where-ever it will be just as it always has been... there is just no 'I' that was involved in getting it there. All the I is, is thoughts of I. Yes, the body may be "at" the appointment, but there is no 'I' to attach any thoughts or worries to... eg: there is no I to worry about it, there is no I to feel bad, there is no separate I to think "I am no good". There is no I that is good or bad.... just thoughts arising. There is no "good" or "bad" "me". "Me" "self" and "I" are thoughts. They don't point to anything except each other - other thoughts.

It was helpful to really look at thoughts and compare them. "cat is running" compared with thought "I am sitting" and see if seems different. Not that there is an 'I' to do the comparison, just experience of each and then and thought about it.

Alex - the whole of everything she is, isn't real. It is a construction in the moment every time it happens. Like a sense of Alex that is supposedly Alex but is not... it is nothing but that sense.

Went to the "is there a me in any shape or form?" question again... I get a strong sensation/contraction in the chest, shoulders, neck and head. This "feels" like "me" - brought it close and asked to share its wisdom (like in Focusing). I wrote this down as it was occurring, so I thought I'd paste it in:

It said - please stop this.... this "me" is just suffering, torture, pain, misery, hell, struggle, tightness, inflexibility, rush, fear, pushing, twisting, loneliness, anger, tension, abuse, rules, pain, obligation, stretching, yearning, needing, wanting, forcing, brutal, pulling, stuckness, thick, heavy, controlling, forcing, weighty... something shifting as it changed to protection, defense, buffering, padding, shock absorbers, loving, caressing, unnecessary, life force, amazing, energy, flow.
Then more tension... holding up, keeping afloat, surviving, breathing, lifting, raising. Sense of fighting inside my body. PROTECTION! Shell, encasing, crust, steel, armour, highly effective! strong! defensive, set in stone, embedded deep, tenacious, rooted, support, back rest, separation safety device.

Anyway. Just thought I'd share that in case it it interesting... just looking and looking some more.

[alexmcca]

Hello - an update.

Becoming very clear that - not sure how to say this - but every time "seeing" was "close".... a thought was there "check to see if you are still suffering! If you've "seen though self" you shouldn't be able to find the suffering any more".

This thought was followed by focus on "ideas/thoughts" that tend to be associated with painful sensations to see if the sensations were still there - of course they could be found- etc... loop.

More looking at direct experience...