1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No there is not. There is no centre to experience and no one who is having an experience. There never was, only the mistaken view that there was.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, how it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
It is the belief that there is a ‘me’ in here who is different and separate from the world out there. It is born through a mistaken interpretation of basic sensations. Sensation occurs and this is interpreted as there being someone who is experiencing the sensation and a distinct object out there that is producing the sensation.
The ability to think gives rise to the belief that there is a thinker, but there is no thinker. This is reinforced by language and the necessity to communicate. We have to talk about ‘me’ and ‘you’ to get by and function but unfortunately this creates and strengthens the view that there is a ‘me’ in here and a ‘you’ out there.
The way we are brought up and educated add to the belief that we are somehow distinct, separate entities that have to go out into the world and compete and succeed and get good jobs etc. At no point is this assumption ever questioned, and we go out into the world and suffer because we can never be happy if don’t see through this illusion.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It feels like a relief, like I have dropped something I have been carrying around. I really feel like a different person to the one who started this last week. Even though it’s only been a week, I feel so different. I find myself being naturally more mindful, content and joyful. I am not trying to make myself mindful etc. it just seems to come effortlessly.
I feel like a shift has happened, the world seems fresher and brighter. Yes, irritation and frustration can occur but I observe them as mental objects and not get caught up in them.
I honestly feel transformed! Little things like not turning the radio on as soon as I get into the car, or just being content to sit on the sofa and do nothing.
It feels spacious and luxurious, yet simple and ordinary at the same time.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
I had a strong experience whilst doing the Rupert Spira guided mediation. It was as if I really saw how the self is created, how I’ve been making a mistake all my life. This went deep but I still needed more prodding to see further.
After further questions for me to look deeper, I felt I was being chased up a flagpole and it was as if I just had to be bold and make the leap from the top. I realised that I was still interpreting basic sensations to some degree and not allowing direct experience. I wrote almost out of a sense of frustration, as if I was shouting back at the Zen master! A sort of: ‘You want direct experience? I’ll give you direct experience!’. I stopped the thought stories about what was happening and just trusted basic, direct experience.
5) Please talk about deciding, intending, choosing and control, describing the process as best you can. How do these things happen? Do you make them happen? Make sure you give examples from experience.
Decisions get made, choices happen but no one is in control. It’s as if awareness watches things happening the way a mother watches her child play, watching with attention and kindness. I went to a yoga class on Friday and it was the best class ‘I’ have ever done because ‘I’ didn’t do it! It was as if there was an awareness of the body doing the poses and there was no selfing thoughts present. Previously in these classes, I would often find myself lost in thoughts like ‘This is hard, when will it end? This teacher is no good, this teacher is really good. I love yoga, I hate yoga. Look at me everyone, I am great at this pose!’ etc. But this time, the class happened almost effortlessly and automatically because there was no one getting in the way. No one was in control, deciding what to do, everything flowed.
Driving home this evening I noticed how several times I would indicate and turn before the thought to do so occurred.
It does seem a bit mysterious and magical, but there is no one controlling things.
6) Anything to add?
I welcome any comments or further questions. It’s been an incredibly valuable process, I am very grateful for your time and guidance. It's been the deepest reflection I've done in my life! And, I haven't been on retreat in 'ideal' conditions. I've been working, minding the kids, doing stuff in the house, shopping, just a regular week. But interestingly, I think the fact that this dialogue occurred in the midst of everyday life really helped. I didn't have any time to get precious about 'my' 'spiritual' 'states'. I had to drop all those sorts of views.The kids, work, shopping, cutting the grass, everything is teaching us all the time.
