Thread for April

[Nettie]

Dear April,
"Been thinking about this all day. Usually words are not a problem but this...this is tough to express. I have seen through the illusion of a separate self, and it is a great relief for me. AND it is kind of unfamiliar, and sort of like having lived in a house that had walls, and all at once the walls all fall down, and there is...unboundedness. And it's a little scary, having had those boundaries seem so real, and knowing i made them up; now there is nothing to fall back on, like, family history being an excuse for having a physical condition or a mental tendency. There is just possibility. In my daily life so far with this i notice most when i would have a critical reaction to something i had or hadn't done, the blame feeling is cut short. there is a sort of spreading warmth that takes the place of the shutting down or wincing back that used to happen. there is so much more joy available for the smallest reasons or for no reason. also connecting to other beings more fully and with appreciation for who they are; i notice a thought of judgment and just smile at it, and it dissipates...no more having to get out the whips and chains...Repetitive tasks (much of my job) are done in different, better ways without being thought out first. Music lines come unsought in the playing...used to learn something and try to do it the same way each time just to be 'right' (read, safe). No idea how the illusion begins except for parents saying to a child "you are, or are not, must, or must not, do, be etc. this or that". And a child believes them, and begins to construct this phenomenon, because don't we most of all want to belong, to be approved of, recognized, affirmed? Re chooser, thinker, do-er, controller: always struggled mightily with all, always failing. Mostly in my daily experience there is more silence within, a peace and settledness which translates as a sort of soft *OH* *YES* Love, ~april"
Beautiful!
Are you ready for the final questions?
Much love,
Nettie

[April Minkler]

Well, i''m not sure. Having a sort of contraction this morning...feeling small, uncomfortable, ?scared of being unworthy to be connected to everything. i know (really?) that if i am connected to everything, some of it won't be light, expansive, soft, easy. because not everything is. dark, hard, contracted, are principles necessary for things in this ?dimension to "be" and the polarities are what differentiate "stuff" from itself...if i was water, i doubt i would get apprehensive when flowing down a waterfall..."oh, wah, I'm going to be at the BOTTOM"...if i was air, if i blew into a tree i doubt i would be saying, "oh, darn, why am i going through all these leaves and branches?" if i was fire, would i worry that i was burning up a piece of wood? if i was earth would i chafe at just lying there? i am looking for a principle that is so immutable i can rest on it, and the only one i can find is "everything changes" and so i will need to change my definition of "resting" to maybe "flowing" and expand my ability to be uncomfortable without either feeling like it's my fault (something i ate, drank, thought, felt, walked on, etc.) or that i need to fix it (longterm chronic miss fixit, in recovery but still relapsing). fire away with the questions, though. this is not a place i can nor want to go back from no matter what is ahead. Thank you for being "here/there". Love, ~april

[Nettie]

Dear April,
"Well, i''m not sure. "
Ok we will just keep on until you're ready!

"Having a sort of contraction this morning...feeling small, uncomfortable, "
Notice how feelings of comfort or un-comfort both arise equally without you having to do a thing.

"?scared of being unworthy to be connected to everything. "
Who is connected to everything?
Or is there just.....everything?

"i know (really?) that if i am connected to everything, some of it won't be light, expansive, soft, easy. because not everything is. dark, hard, contracted, are principles necessary for things in this ?"

These are all words for what cannot be described.
What is there before thought naturally and spontaneously describes it?

"dimension to "be" and the polarities are what differentiate "stuff" from itself...if i was water, i doubt i would get apprehensive when flowing down a waterfall..."oh, wah, I'm going to be at the BOTTOM"...if i was air, if i blew into a tree i doubt i would be saying, "oh, darn, why am i going through all these leaves and branches?" if i was fire, would i worry that i was burning up a piece of wood? if i was earth would i chafe at just lying there? i am looking for a principle that is so immutable i can rest on it, and the only one i can find is "everything changes" and so i will need to change my definition of "resting" to maybe "flowing""

Flowing. Nice.

" and expand my ability to be uncomfortable without either feeling like it's my fault (something i ate, drank, thought, felt, walked on, etc.) or that i need to fix it (longterm chronic miss fixit, in recovery but still relapsing). fire away with the questions, though. this is not a place i can nor want to go back from no matter what is ahead. Thank you for being "here/there". Love, ~april"

Remember I said that this doesn't look like anything?
You still seem to have expectations and beliefs about what this will be like.

How to look....

If you came to my house and you said you were hungry, what have you got to eat? and I said 'look in the refrigerator'.
Would you stand next to the refrigerator and imagine what was in it?
No! You would open the door and look.
Look for what is looking without any ideas of what you are going to find.
Look with baby eyes.

Much love,
Nettie

[April Minkler]

Ahh! Thanks for being a compass.
Love, and Gratitude! ~april
Keeping it simple is such a gift.

[Nettie]

Hearts.

[April Minkler]

Read an article by Nathan Gill titled "Clarity" today. Realized i have been resisting experience and yes, i still forget that i am not a separate self when i think if i feel 'bad' it means i have failed somehow. expectations lurking to jump up and go BOO. fog beginning to clear and though i feel the drag of the old 'either-or' program attempting to reboot to provide the illusion of some nice safe boundaries... it's too late! once out of that box there's no door back in :)~ to switch metaphors in midstream, i feel like the spiritual car just hit a deep pothole, but the wheels didn't come off as i feared. i tend to assume the worst. more drama. ptui. Much gratitude for your being guide. <3 (hearts)

[Nettie]

Dear April,
"Read an article by Nathan Gill titled "Clarity" today. Realized i have been resisting experience and yes, i still forget that i am not a separate self"
Who forgets?


"when i think if i feel 'bad' it means i have failed somehow. expectations lurking to jump up and go BOO. "

Notice that feelings like all perception arises utterly spontaneously without you having to do a thing.

It is a seamless timeless unitary flowing.....no separate things divided by space...no separate events divided by time.........
No separate you to change or re-arrange any of it.
Every partless moment is complete.
Nothing need be added to it or taken away to make it so. Nothing CAN be added or taken away.


"fog beginning to clear and though i feel the drag of the old 'either-or' program attempting to reboot to provide the illusion of some nice safe boundaries... it's too late! once out of that box there's no door back in :)~ to switch metaphors in midstream, i feel like the spiritual car just hit a deep pothole, but the wheels didn't come off as i feared. i tend to assume the worst. more drama. ptui. Much gratitude for your being guide. <3 (hearts)"


And the feeling that you can do something arises just as spomtaneously and effortlessly as the feeling that you can't do something....

Its all happening as it does...
all of it.
including the feeling that this is not right....
And expectations ...They obscure the sun.... like looking through a window with the sun painted on it...
Everything is lost.
everything...
Nothing can be held onto...

How wondrous!
Yet you want to hold this knowing?

Nothing can be held onto.
Nothing.
Face it right now
give up completely.

Youre falling.....and everything is falling with you
That something must bust apart
or go away
Or be seen
Or recognized...
to find well being.
all ideas of what this should look like.
And what this is is beyond expectations or beliefs.

It looks like what it looks like and cannot be changed or held onto.

And no you to choose to hold onto it or not
or try to hold onto it or not....
You belive that you need to see or recognize some thing
You are waiting for a shift...
You are waiting...
and yet there is no you to choose to wait or not to wait....

There is nothing other
ever
ever
than this
and we are going to die
and its all meaningless.....
It is all
really
just
this
as it is...............
Liquidity flowing ......

Beautifully impermanent
Breaks your heart
Beautiful
No handholds what so-ever...

....tears.....
The ground collapses......
The house of cards built of belief and hope and fear collapses......

Utter beauty
your heart breaks....

And there is no place to be
there is no place to be...
And there never was
it was all thought dreams...


Is there a separate thinker?
Chooser?
Conductor of life?
Any special way to be?

Much love,
Nettie

[April Minkler]

Is there a separate thinker? Chooser? Conductor of life? Any special way to be?

NO! to all of those. And somehow this NO yields to a YES!! SUCH A RELIEF! How utterly astounding!

There is 4 inches of snow on the ground and trees. Very beautiful and all
scheduled events are cancelled :) I AM HOME, literally and figuratively.
Thank you for assisting my growth. Many blessings and much love. ~april

[Nettie]

Dear April,
Is there a separate thinker? Chooser? Conductor of life? Any special way to be?

"NO! to all of those. And somehow this NO yields to a YES!! SUCH A RELIEF! How utterly astounding!"

Was there ever?
What is it like in your daily life to know this? Please give examples.

Super duper love,
Nettie

[April Minkler]

No, there was just the story...the construct...painfully reiterated with help from forebears. What it is like in my daily life today to know there is no separate thinker is to be able to go from one thing to another without evaluating whether it is productive, if it is being done 'right' or the best way, whether it 'should have been' done a long time ago. To enjoy the feeling of warm water on my hands as i do dishes, not just trying to get it over with. To experience with my whole being the joy of being with my beloved, right now, knowing it is eternally now. To sit here writing this without worrying if it is said right, or if you will approve of me, just to let the words flow out with a quiet heart. The satisfaction is deep in my body, and i am happy. Life is all there is, all there needs to be. Simple.
Much love, deep gratitude, ~april

[Nettie]

Final questions?

[April Minkler]

Sorry for delay in response. It seems very clear. No questions. Without the extra layer of pseudo-being, always with the commentary, experience is more direct, and while sometimes i want to attach meaning to a feeling, i can much more easily just feel it without having to encase it in context. Thank you for accompanying me, thank you for being my guide. Is this au revoir, ciao, farewell? Or will i see you down the road?
Much much gratitude! ~april

[Nettie]

Dear April,
"Sorry for delay in response. It seems very clear. No questions. Without the extra layer of pseudo-being, always with the commentary, experience is more direct, and while sometimes i want to attach meaning to a feeling, i can much more easily just feel it without having to encase it in context. Thank you for accompanying me, thank you for being my guide. Is this au revoir, ciao, farewell? Or will i see you down the road?"
We have a few questions at LU we ask our clients to clarify their seeing.

So if you feel you have seen through the illusion of separation I will ask you?

Love,
Nettie

(We are friends on FB so I will always be around)

[April Minkler]

Please...

[Nettie]

Dear April,

Here are the final questions:

1)Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2)Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3)How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4)What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5)Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6)Anything to add?

Love,
Nettie