Am I there yet?

[Ilona]

Great work! Keep at it. Write all the shoulds and shouldn'ts down so you see them all in front of you.
Are these your shoulds?
What is behind all and each one of them?
What is the function of shoulds?
What is here without shoulds?

Put all those 'though viruses' under microscope and examine closely. Catch these through the day and notice when are these thoughts arising, what triggers them, what they trigger?

Write what you notice.

Sending love

[EmptySet00]

This will take some time for me to work through. There's huge resistance to this, almost like I'd rather do anything else. That's a good indication that you've pointed me in the right direction, though. Thanks!

There's even more resistance to posting my "shoulds" online where the world can see them! Especially if they haven't really been worked through. I'll be working through them on my own as "homework", then posting examples once processing is more complete. If I don't have any good examples on a particular day, my post might just be, "Hi, still here!"

ES

[EmptySet00]

Two conclusions so far about the "shoulds":

They were put there when I got instructions, advice, or criticism from my parents or teachers, or in some cases from other sources. Sometimes it's an internalization of what society expects.

What follows is a feeling of inadequacy.

[Ilona]

so these shoulds were placed in by some other people and it gives you a sense of inadequacy. do you still believe that these shoulds and shouldn'ts are needed, necessary, helpful in any way?

what if everything is precisely as it should at all times? how does that make you feel to allow this thought in?

[EmptySet00]

I've found that just paying more attention to the "shoulds" is leading them to be less frequent. Confront them and they go hide in the shadows.

Some of them are providing useful information in a way- "I should go to work" = "It's time to go to work now". Most of them aren't very helpful at all. They're really thoughts that contrast the way things actually are negatively to something else- the way things were in the past, could be in the future, or how I imagine they could be in some alternate reality. I'm taking them less personally.

Things are precisely as they should be?? Nope, no way, no how! If I'm in pain, that's not how things should be, I want it to stop! Likewise if other people are suffering. Try telling somebody who's just lived through a disaster, but lost their entire family and everything they own, that things are precisely as they should be. I'm not in that situation (thankfully), but even much smaller problems seem to qualify as things not being as they should be!

ES

[Ilona]

Things are precisely as they should be?? Nope, no way, no how!

hahaha, something should be different?

I'm taking them less personally.

mmm, what is the i that can take them personally or not? is resistance to what is personal? does it arise of personal effort? is frustration happening to some separate entity that is NOT part of whole movement of totality?

I'm not in that situation (thankfully), but even much smaller problems seem to qualify as things not being as they should be!

look closer, what is not as it should be? make that list. what is not complete right now? what needs to change in order for you to be happy? what do you expect that should not be ever happening?

without ifs and philosophies about other people suffering, without thinking about problems, what is here now that needs to be different?

sending love.

[EmptySet00]

Things are precisely as they should be?? Nope, no way, no how!

hahaha, something should be different?

I'm taking them less personally.

mmm, what is the i that can take them personally or not? is resistance to what is personal? does it arise of personal effort? is frustration happening to some separate entity that is NOT part of whole movement of totality?

No, what's actually happening here is that the "should" arises, then the thought, "Oh, a 'should'. That's interesting. Wonder where that one came from?", then the line of thought dies out after a while. Or, it's just "Oh, there's another 'should'", and then it's dropped immediately. And no, any frustration that arises isn't separate from everything else.

I'm not in that situation (thankfully), but even much smaller problems seem to qualify as things not being as they should be!

look closer, what is not as it should be? make that list. what is not complete right now? what needs to change in order for you to be happy? what do you expect that should not be ever happening?

without ifs and philosophies about other people suffering, without thinking about problems, what is here now that needs to be different?

Right now, a stomachache :(

Although, yes, a lot of unhappiness stems from "thinking about problems". But there's also a worry that if I don't think about problems, they'll get worse because I won't do what's needed to address them.

ES

[Ilona]

Although, yes, a lot of unhappiness stems from "thinking about problems". But there's also a worry that if I don't think about problems, they'll get worse because I won't do what's needed to address them.

Hmm, if you don't think about problems, then there are no problems. Then there is no unhappiness. It's only thinking that creates problems and then thinking is trying to solve them. Waste of energy. Can you see that?

What is here without thinking? Is there happiness or unhappiness without story about it?

Right now, is there a problem? The stomachache is a sensation, is it a problem? Pain is being felt, is pain = suffering?


Sending love.

[EmptySet00]

Although, yes, a lot of unhappiness stems from "thinking about problems". But there's also a worry that if I don't think about problems, they'll get worse because I won't do what's needed to address them.

Hmm, if you don't think about problems, then there are no problems. Then there is no unhappiness. It's only thinking that creates problems and then thinking is trying to solve them. Waste of energy. Can you see that?

What is here without thinking? Is there happiness or unhappiness without story about it?

Right now, is there a problem? The stomachache is a sensation, is it a problem? Pain is being felt, is pain = suffering?


Sending love.

Ilona,

The question that comes up around "thinking about problems" is whether not thinking about problems would lead to not doing things that need to be done. For example, if I'm driving and the car is making an unpleasant noise, I would usually think, "There's a problem here- the car may need to be repaired". Then I would take the car to the shop. If I wasn't "thinking about problems", the noise could register as just "sound", and maybe I wouldn't take any action until the car broke down completely. It's not a good idea to just ignore all the things we usually describe as problems!

But yes, it's also easy to get carried away just thinking about problems without that leading to appropriate action either. It would be nice to know at any time whether you're paying the right amount of attention to things, versus worrying too much or blowing off something important.

I definitely see your point about physical pain. Usually when I'm in pain I first do what I can or need to about it like putting on a bandage, but then just focus on the present, physical sensations. The sensations aren't pleasant, but they seem to subside more quickly if I don't tense up the affected area and add stories about "why did this happen to me?" (self pity- type stuff).

[Ilona]

Let's leave hypothetical thinking about what if scenarios and focus on what is actually happening.

Can you answer these questions that you missed

What is here without thinking? Is there happiness or unhappiness without story about it?
Right now, is there a problem?

:)

[EmptySet00]

What is here without thinking? Sights, sounds, sensations. A mood (neutral right now). Right now, there isn't really happiness or unhappiness, but there is freedom in opening up to what's present without the thoughts. Yes, a problem is a thought pattern. It may be a necessary or useful thought pattern some times, but it is a thought pattern. Often not necessary or useful.

[Ilona]

Oh yes, right now is a special place, where there are no problems, but there is a lot happening in the form of senses, sensations, feeling, thinking, raw experiencing. Problems are created by the mind in the form of stories about problems, about what if scenarios.

Good antidote is just 2 questions:

1. IS IT TRUE?
2. DO I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW?

It is helpful to make some sticky notes and leave them around, so you notice more, when mind spins of in imaginary problem world.

Watch how body does it's thing- it breathes, it walks, it goes to sleep, it cleans, it showers. It does all that either you think about it or not. Mind is not in charge of body, same way as body is not in charge of mind. So it's ok for the mind to stop pretending it is.
How does it feel to hear this?

Sending love

[EmptySet00]

Watch how body does it's thing- it breathes, it walks, it goes to sleep, it cleans, it showers. It does all that either you think about it or not. Mind is not in charge of body, same way as body is not in charge of mind. So it's ok for the mind to stop pretending it is.
How does it feel to hear this?

No big deal. Sometimes there's a conscious thought "I want to do this", "time to do that". Other times there isn't, and I just find myself doing something. Sometimes I become conscious of what I'm doing after the fact, then change what I'm doing once I've been startled by the realization that my actions and conscious intentions aren't lining up. Most stuff happens on autopilot, and most of the time it's not a problem.

[Ilona]

What is not on autopilot?

[EmptySet00]

What is not on autopilot?

Need to clarify here. What I meant by "autopilot" in the previous post is that most of my actions are performed without any conscious thought given to them. For example, there might be a thought, "I need to drive somewhere now", but the actions of walking out the door, getting into the car, and driving are all carried out without much conscious engagement.

Conscious thoughts and actions are on "autopilot" in a different way. There's no "I" controlling them, but there is a feedback, like if I walk into one room without conscious thought, then have a thought that I need to be in a different room for some reason, so I reverse direction and go into the other room. It seems like the conscious awareness is "correcting" the subconscious actions, but there isn't a "mini- me" directing the whole thing. It's all part of the same stream of experience/ action/ consciousness.

Lately there's some frustration about being dislodged from one sticking point with this process, only to hit another. Or maybe it's the same sticking point. The story and the "shoulds". Right now there are multiple things I "should" be doing, but I don't want to do any of them! In the past when this sort of thing happened, "I" would step in and make a decision. Now a committee's trying to run things, and nobody's in charge. Maybe it was that way all along, that any hesitation or indecisiveness was just the committee arguing, and then "I" would claim credit for the outcome. There aren't multiple "mini- mes" instead of just one, it's more a bunch of competing thoughts, desires, and impulses. It could be that this process is seen more clearly now, and it feels disturbing. _I_ find it disturbing! Now there's the sense of an "I" that "should" be running things, but isn't. So now "I" is disturbed about not being in charge.

Please be patient with my sometimes long- winded replies. Sometimes things get worked out, come to make more sense as I write about them, so I write a lot more than I really need to just to answer your questions.

ES