Ready to stop seeking

[Riawakening]

One more....
Does it feel like you are an observer or awareness separate from perception?

Dear Nettie,

I was thinking a lot about your last question. Yes, feeling that I am an observer is here, but that feeling like other things just arises. I can′t stop it or produce it. If I observe everything that is going on, that means that I am outside oneness and observing, but that is impossible.
Feeling that I am an observer it′s also observed by something, but that something doesn′t have characteristics which I can found. It seems there is only perceiving, but more like stillness in which is everything perceived. I can´t notice that stillness like other objects in perception, but somehow is known that is here and everything arises from that, more precisely everything is that. From that perspective I as a character with everything around me is like one whole perception that is always going on. My mind says OK then I am that stillness, but that also arises in that stillness and is observed. It seems that mind tries to label and understand something that is not understandable. I can see that that something is always here and never changes like a still background. I try to use so many words in an attempt to describe that, but I can′t. Despite what is happening that stays untouched. In my mind pop up thought that that is Life itself.
Answer to the second part of your question is that awareness is not separate from perception because it is ultimate perception in which all other perceptions arise. There is no awareness without something that is aware of.
I was thinking what is going on with awareness when I am in a state of deep sleep. If someone punch me I wake up, so it seems that awareness is always on even when I am in deep sleep, but now I feel that in the moment when someone punch me only story started about someone punch me when I was in deep sleep. Maybe I intellectualize too much, but tonight world doesn't seem so real as before.

Another thing that bothers me is following. Since only proof that we have that something was happening before are present memories (thoughts). Maybe whole thought story arises just now with another things which support that story. I am confused now because I can´t proof to myself any more that this is not possible, and that nothing really happened before?! I was listening someone talking in that way and was sound like craziness, but now sounds possible. Hmm…

Love,
Marin

[Nettie]

Dear Marin,

"I was thinking a lot about your last question. Yes, feeling that I am an observer is here, but that feeling like other things just arises. I can′t stop it or produce it. If I observe everything that is going on, that means that I am outside oneness and observing, but that is impossible.
Feeling that I am an observer it′s also observed by something, but that something doesn′t have characteristics which I can found. It seems there is only perceiving, but more like stillness in which is everything perceived. I can´t notice that stillness like other objects in perception, but somehow is known that is here and everything arises from that, more precisely everything is that. From that perspective I as a character with everything around me is like one whole perception that is always going on. My mind says OK then I am that stillness, but that also arises in that stillness and is observed. It seems that mind tries to label and understand something that is not understandable. I can see that that something is always here and never changes like a still background. I try to use so many words in an attempt to describe that, but I can′t. Despite what is happening that stays untouched. In my mind pop up thought that that is Life itself.
Answer to the second part of your question is that awareness is not separate from perception because it is ultimate perception in which all other perceptions arise. There is no awareness without something that is aware of.
I was thinking what is going on with awareness when I am in a state of deep sleep. If someone punch me I wake up, so it seems that awareness is always on even when I am in deep sleep, but now I feel that in the moment when someone punch me only story started about someone punch me when I was in deep sleep. Maybe I intellectualize too much, but tonight world doesn't seem so real as before. "

Yes.

"Another thing that bothers me is following. Since only proof that we have that something was happening before are present memories (thoughts). Maybe whole thought story arises just now with another things which support that story. I am confused now because I can´t proof to myself any more that this is not possible, and that nothing really happened before?! I was listening someone talking in that way and was sound like craziness, but now sounds possible. Hmm… "

Perhaps life is not figure-out-able.
Life simply happens...
And the objectifying mind spontaneously labels it...
And makes the story of you...

Do you feel you have seen through the illusion of separation?
Would you like to answer the final questions?

Love,
Nettie

[Riawakening]

Perhaps life is not figure-out-able.

Yes, to figure out what is going on is impossible task, because our tool to do that is only mind, which is also going on in that, so mind can´t see beyond that.

Life simply happens...
And the objectifying mind spontaneously labels it...
And makes the story of you...

Yes, all of that simply happens, so questions why and how are not so important any more, apparently everything must be this way…

Do you feel you have seen through the illusion of separation?

Again yes, I feel that I have seen through the illusion of separation. Some doubts and questions still arise, but it is seen that they arise to no one, so no problem. Answer to everything is things just arise, despite all apparent complications life seems so simple.

I notice that every spare moment throughout these days is filled with thinking about these things. I have also strong feeling to investigate this stillness which was seen yesterday, that is something new for me. Obviously it was ever here but never noticed.

Would you like to answer the final questions?

I would like to answer final questions.

Love,
Marin

[Nettie]

oh sure...

Here are the final questions:

1)Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

2)Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

3)How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

4)What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

5)Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

6)Anything to add?

[Riawakening]

Dear Nettie,

1)Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No there isn′t a separate entity ´self´, ′me′ ′I′ at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form. It was never existed. Seeing that everything is presently arising story puts notion of separate me in a right place, so it′s seen that that notion can′t be true. True I requests time and space for his existence.

2)Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

Separate self is only the illusion, maybe most precious of all illusions and rarely examined. I don′t remember in my case when it was started exactly, but during lifetime becomes very powerful and painful illusion. Lots of thoughts spinning around that imagined self. We don′t even question that sense of self ever. It seems that is integral part of human experience. It′s more than a label, it′s sense of aliveness mixed with self-centered thoughts and conditions. Below I will repeat paragraph from my older post:
First of all that is natural process as everything else, it happens only to humans, because we can imagine things. It is a great gift, but also it's responsible for suffering when we imagine separate self, future bad situations etc. I think that nature of language and people around us give us impression that we are separate controlling entities. Every action done by this body is seen as my action. We think mostly using language, and that is constant wrong reminder that we are separate and responsible for actions. That is ground for guilt, pride and fear. Also religions promote ideas that we are people with destiny in our hands and one day separate God will judge our deeds. Very important is that we never examine nature of thoughts, feelings and perception, so we can't see that there is no doer or controller. We don't see things directly; we mostly see labels or thoughts. Thought stories are useful for living in society but body can be stressed by these stories if we believe that we are only story characters. "

3)How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

Everything is the same as before, I mean by that that story goes on much the same as before, but isn′t seen as my story anymore. It just unfolds effortlessly. Worries and so called negative emotions still arise but subside faster. It seems like whole story building is now without fundamental stone and begins to crumble down. Every thought about real me or building block of that story is immediately seen as false and falls away from that building. I was expected a big AHH, but in my case there are many small AHH…s, something like deconstruction process which is now going on effortlessly. Also here is trust that this process will resolve doubts and false notions by itself. Finally everything that is going on now including this process is seen as presently arising story about story character searching freedom. Something new discovered last few days is something like unchanging background or perceiving process. I can′t find proper words for that because doesn′t have any characteristics, but word stillness seems OK. That stillness somehow simultaneously creates and perceives absolutely everything that is going on now in this present moment. At the end I am feeling right now like I am failing in unknown, but desirable unknown.

4)What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

Thoughts were for me most precious and trusted arising’s. When I truly saw that they just arise without my control that turn over everything up and down. After that new possibilities were allowed, and also seeing things as they are is also allowed. Also with this recognition basic thoughts like “I”, “me”, “my” lose their weight.

5)Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

I don′t decide, intend, choose and control events in Life simply because there is no I. Again I don′t make anything happen because there is no I. It′s hard to choose examples from my experience which prove “no me” statement because whole experience is now seen as just things arise, without me or anyone in control. OK, maybe one example, hunger in body arise, then thinking about what to eat follows and then preparing diner starts.

6)Anything to add?

It seems to me that I really don′t know anything anymore and that′s somehow OK. Maybe tomorrow there will be confusion and stress again or maybe “I am a millionaire” story, but who knows?! However it will be another presently arising story effortlessly noticed in awareness.

If something doesn´t seem clear enough I′ll be happy to answer more questions.

Love,
Marin

[Nettie]

Dear Marin,
Thank you for your beautiful answers.
It has been confirmed by the other guides that you have seen through the illusion of separation.
Please email or PM me with your FB name if you have one. There are many groups that can be supportive now.
It has been truly a delight to be with you in this most intimate deep looking.
Love,
Nettie

[Riawakening]

Dear Nettie,

Thank you for your guidance and spent time with me. Your questions pointed me exactly were needed. Sure I′ll contact you, it would be pleasure to participate groups which can be supportive now.

Gratitude,
Marin