The Gate

I feel my focus is shifting. I find myself making this a problem. I problem solve for a living. Fear and hesitation are here. Slap me. Yell at me. I'm making this way harder than it needs to be. I'm going to meditate. Thanks for taking me on.

My heart still beats. My breathing continues. I don't have to think about blinking. Itches arise themselves. But then I can hold my breathe. I can keep from blinking. I can choose not to itch. I sense like I'm two people. Then that idea collapses. Ha it seems that every what if scenario is simple just an idea that I only believe will have an outcome because it's a belief. But beliefs aren't tangible. And there have been countless times where what I worried about never happened. Now it feels that what you are pointing me toward is just another Idea and I shouldn't believe that. Ha and again another fake not real assumption. What the hell would you get from tricking me. A process still occurs where I know I typed this but I can't find who. To anyone reading this don't let it scare you. It's not scary anymore. And actually never really was. But I only observe that I'm looking for something that isn't there. Even though it is impossible to find I feel drawn to keep looking. As if I'm ever going to find it. I keep being able to collapse weird thoughts or holes to shoot in this. But there aren't any. Because it's only thoughts making thoughts about thoughts. Now I find myself looking at things as if it's the first time I ever saw them. I looked at my fiancé and the familiarity was still there but it felt fresher. What do you observe happening here? I hope losing ways to dance around the truth is the process. Because that is what I observe happening.

Seems like you are having on and off moments of clarity. Usually those moments are ended by thoughts and feelings creeping back in with doubts and wants and hopes. Now the key thing is not exclude those! Why do you see your fiance as fresh but not the thought or nagging feeling that follows it? it is just as much part of the experience. Don't do anything with those thoughts but watch them, they're not gonna stop coming, you don't know what the next thought is going to be, just watch them appear just like everything else that appears.

I feel my focus is shifting. I find myself making this a problem. I problem solve for a living. Fear and hesitation are here. Slap me. Yell at me. I'm making this way harder than it needs to be. I'm going to meditate. Thanks for taking me on.

Who is finding who making this a problem? Are there 2 you's? Are you the one making it a problem or are you the victim that it is happening to? You're making it hard because that is what the mind does, it thinks it can be this nothing that we talk about. When i say there is no self, no you, i mean exactly that. Not an empty space or a hollow ball inside you but absolutely nothing! Just look at everything that is experienced right now. Don't meditate, look! Nothing is easier, you are already doing it and have always been doing it.

Seems like you are having on and off moments of clarity. Usually those moments are ended by thoughts and feelings creeping back in with doubts and wants and hopes. Now the key thing is not exclude those! Why do you see your fiance as fresh but not the thought or nagging feeling that follows it? it is just as much part of the experience. Don't do anything with those thoughts but watch them, they're not gonna stop coming, you don't know what the next thought is going to be, just watch them appear just like everything else that appears

On and off- definitely. I can go from 'being' and then my mind is like "oh no you don't - and screams FIRE EVERYTHING- and the missiles of thoughts start bombing "me". They are exactly ended by doubts wants and hopes- Its impossible to doubt that..haha.......it's so hard to explain. I find it hard to 'watch' them....I follow them for lack of better words. I follow about 96% negative thoughts and here and there follow the 'positive'. I sense I'm trying to stop something that will never really 'stop' when I should just be looking at it!....its a struggle to just watch them. I found myself asking 'myself...do you ask yourself to listen or do you just do it? do you ask yourself to eat or do you just chew" "do you ask yourself to see- or do you just do it"- and then I can't anything that this is all happening to. cycle repeats. Its laughably so easy to conceptualize but so hard to just 'let it happen' I'm experiencing a threat to everything I know. I had dreams about this stuff last night. haha. I discovered I don't have to think about where I am to 'be there' in the realest sense..I just am there. But i still find myself pointing to that "i" and even though I see nothing- it isn't catching. there it is again..hope. shit!

Who is finding who making this a problem? Are there 2 you's? Are you the one making it a problem or are you the victim that it is happening to? You're making it hard because that is what the mind does, it thinks it can be this nothing that we talk about. When i say there is no self, no you, i mean exactly that. Not an empty space or a hollow ball inside you but absolutely nothing! Just look at everything that is experienced right now. Don't meditate, look! Nothing is easier, you are already doing it and have always been doing it.

I feel like a victim to be honest, yet I'm doing this to myself. I'm taking it personal, I feel 'jealous' of people who crossed over now, but I didn't have to think about it..I just felt it...and I'm ok with that for some reason. Now the jealousy is over. I keep seeing nothing when I turn inward to find the "I" and then thrusted back in to thought. Literally back and forth between living in my head- knowing I'm hearing music, but only understanding the lyrics or sounds when I 'tune into it'. There is no me doing this- its just happening....even the Idea of "me" existing was just made up the mind- doing what is does best...there is no "i" to own any of this 'stuff'- its happening all by itself. no matter what. AHHHHHH. stuck again.

you said " Nothing is easier, you are already doing it and have always been doing it."

I keep seeing/reading this over and over- and its clarity- thought..clarity/thought. over and over. the experience is humbling.

On and off- definitely. I can go from 'being' and then my mind is like "oh no you don't - and screams FIRE EVERYTHING- and the missiles of thoughts start bombing "me". They are exactly ended by doubts wants and hopes- Its impossible to doubt that..haha.......it's so hard to explain. I find it hard to 'watch' them....I follow them for lack of better words. I follow about 96% negative thoughts and here and there follow the 'positive'. I sense I'm trying to stop something that will never really 'stop' when I should just be looking at it!....its a struggle to just watch them. I found myself asking 'myself...do you ask yourself to listen or do you just do it? do you ask yourself to eat or do you just chew" "do you ask yourself to see- or do you just do it"- and then I can't anything that this is all happening to. cycle repeats. Its laughably so easy to conceptualize but so hard to just 'let it happen' I'm experiencing a threat to everything I know. I had dreams about this stuff last night. haha. I discovered I don't have to think about where I am to 'be there' in the realest sense..I just am there. But i still find myself pointing to that "i" and even though I see nothing- it isn't catching. there it is again..hope. shit!

The following of the thoughts is also seen isn't it? Can you see where i'm going with this?
Correct me if i'm wrong: At this moment it is like you are looking through thoughts and mind as if you are searching for something in a cluttered attic, trying to find this self and more or less taking my word on it that it's not there. I tell you to look and you start digging away through the pile and at the same time you think it's silly because the thing you are searching for is the thing that is doing the searching, right? Now take a step back in stead of going deeper into the mess and see that you are looking at something that is doing the searching. When you see a friends searching through his room for his phone, do you think "He's searching, he must be me."? No? Then why do you think that when you see the same exact thing happening in your mind?

I feel like a victim to be honest, yet I'm doing this to myself. I'm taking it personal, I feel 'jealous' of people who crossed over now, but I didn't have to think about it..I just felt it...and I'm ok with that for some reason. Now the jealousy is over. I keep seeing nothing when I turn inward to find the "I" and then thrusted back in to thought. Literally back and forth between living in my head- knowing I'm hearing music, but only understanding the lyrics or sounds when I 'tune into it'. There is no me doing this- its just happening....even the Idea of "me" existing was just made up the mind- doing what is does best...there is no "i" to own any of this 'stuff'- its happening all by itself. no matter what. AHHHHHH. stuck again.

You've explored the depts, now check out the surface. Right now, everything that you experience, is there anything more than that? Does your past exist when you're not looking at it in this exact moment? What is here right now, and is a self part of it?

you said " Nothing is easier, you are already doing it and have always been doing it."

I keep seeing/reading this over and over- and its clarity- thought..clarity/thought. over and over. the experience is humbling.

What makes the clarity moments so clear and the thought moments so unclear? What would happen if they weren't mutually exclusive and happened at the same time?

Don't answer with "when i look, this and this happens". Just address all of the questions directly, one by one and give concrete answers.

The following of the thoughts is also seen isn't it? Can you see where i'm going with this?
Correct me if i'm wrong: At this moment it is like you are looking through thoughts and mind as if you are searching for something in a cluttered attic, trying to find this self and more or less taking my word on it that it's not there. I tell you to look and you start digging away through the pile and at the same time you think it's silly because the thing you are searching for is the thing that is doing the searching, right? Now take a step back in stead of going deeper into the mess and see that you are looking at something that is doing the searching. When you see a friends searching through his room for his phone, do you think "He's searching, he must be me."? No? Then why do you think that when you see the same exact thing happening in your mind?

That is exactly what is happening..and whatever process you are putting me through is working- A Brain Fog lifted off me last night while I was talking to my Fiance in the kitchen....My mind didn't wander and I swear I have never felt more alive or present- then this morning I woke up...it lingers..but I feel the thoughts knocking back on my door. But truly- yesterday was the CLEAREST I've felt in literally Ever..haha. I have these 'pushes' or glimpses in the present- where I can't find anything but the immediate- then my mind tries to find out the "i" doing it- can't and clarity. over and over.

you said Then why do you think that when you see the same exact thing happening in your mind? I don't know. I don't know I don't. I can't even answer that. Because there is no one there 'thinking' -its just happening.

You've explored the depts, now check out the surface. Right now, everything that you experience, is there anything more than that? Does your past exist when you're not looking at it in this exact moment? What is here right now, and is a self part of it?

No there isn't - haha. My mind can race- my thoughts can dance- my doubt can doubt- but they are just doing their damn jobs- and its kinda beautiful ..they are just doing what they were 'made' for. and No one is doing it- its just happening. My past absolutely does not exist- it sure felt like it up until a few days ago- but A. its not real. and there is no 'me' to even live it. And in the here and now- I can't see past the brain jamming up when I look for an "i"- it just feels stuck. I know its 'not' there- I just feel so damn encouraged to find it. But it's just my mind doing its job again. I'm utilizing thought way to much on this- but it just keeps happening over and over.

What makes the clarity moments so clear and the thought moments so unclear? What would happen if they weren't mutually exclusive and happened at the same time?

Don't answer with "when i look, this and this happens". Just address all of the questions directly, one by one and give concrete answers.

the clarity moments are just no thoughts - complete 'emptiness' but not empty empty- just feel peaceful and in sync.

My problem is the thoughts can feel equally as real when I 'zone out'- but my experience with this is running out of fuel recently. It's like I don't even care that they pop up anymore. I had thoughts that haunted me for a good while that I forget what they were even about or if they pop up- they are gone in a second and have no effect on whatever is happening now. I don't feel attached anymore because there is no one they are even attached too- they are just there and then leave and most of the tough ones never come back anymore.

I feel more in the flow with life. Its really tough to describe other than there is nothing happening to 'me'- it just happens and there is no 'me' its happening too- there is an embrace. a respect for doubt and fear now. I'm having trouble describing it. Am I close? haha.

That is exactly what is happening..and whatever process you are putting me through is working- A Brain Fog lifted off me last night while I was talking to my Fiance in the kitchen....My mind didn't wander and I swear I have never felt more alive or present- then this morning I woke up...it lingers..but I feel the thoughts knocking back on my door. But truly- yesterday was the CLEAREST I've felt in literally Ever..haha. I have these 'pushes' or glimpses in the present- where I can't find anything but the immediate- then my mind tries to find out the "i" doing it- can't and clarity. over and over.

Thoughts will keep on knocking because that's what thoughts do. They knock, you look at them and then another one knocks and you look at that one. When you resist them they pile up and flood you.

you said Then why do you think that when you see the same exact thing happening in your mind? I don't know. I don't know I don't. I can't even answer that. Because there is no one there 'thinking' -its just happening.

What is watching that happening?

No there isn't - haha. My mind can race- my thoughts can dance- my doubt can doubt- but they are just doing their damn jobs- and its kinda beautiful ..they are just doing what they were 'made' for. and No one is doing it- its just happening. My past absolutely does not exist- it sure felt like it up until a few days ago- but A. its not real. and there is no 'me' to even live it. And in the here and now- I can't see past the brain jamming up when I look for an "i"- it just feels stuck. I know its 'not' there- I just feel so damn encouraged to find it. But it's just my mind doing its job again. I'm utilizing thought way to much on this- but it just keeps happening over and over.

Is there still a sense of self? Is something still trying to own your actions and experiences? Be honest, don't try to please me.

the clarity moments are just no thoughts - complete 'emptiness' but not empty empty- just feel peaceful and in sync.

You missed the most important part of the question: What would happen if thought and clarity came together?

My problem is the thoughts can feel equally as real when I 'zone out'- but my experience with this is running out of fuel recently. It's like I don't even care that they pop up anymore. I had thoughts that haunted me for a good while that I forget what they were even about or if they pop up- they are gone in a second and have no effect on whatever is happening now. I don't feel attached anymore because there is no one they are even attached too- they are just there and then leave and most of the tough ones never come back anymore.

I feel more in the flow with life. Its really tough to describe other than there is nothing happening to 'me'- it just happens and there is no 'me' its happening too- there is an embrace. a respect for doubt and fear now. I'm having trouble describing it. Am I close? haha.

Are you still looking for something? If so, what? You'll know when the search is over. Are you still searching? then there's still work to be done.

You asked if you are close, That is your mind trying to grab something, to put a dot on the timeline, to make it into a goal that can be reached. I can't answer that question even if i wanted because there is no way of knowing and besides that, the process doesn't work like that. However, asking yourself that question might help. So, are you close? :)

Thoughts will keep on knocking because that's what thoughts do. They knock, you look at them and then another one knocks and you look at that one. When you resist them they pile up and flood you.

Yes- when the resistance stops- they go away. and here and there when they come back- I resist and then as you say- they pile up.

What is watching that happening?

No one (conceptually) but I still feel a faint attachment as if they are mine- I see a thought and sometimes I see the memory in first person- and then sometimes I see it as like "hey I know that person- and I'm seeing 'me'" but its not strange anymore- I'm just trying find the who that keeps doing this nonsense. its frustrating

man.haha

Is there still a sense of self? Is something still trying to own your actions and experiences? Be honest, don't try to please me.

flat out- yes..there is. but it went from a 10 to about a 2.5 on the what the hell is this scale. thats a good thing. feels like a good thing at least. I'm less anxious about it. but this is 'mine' thats 'mine' is still happening.

You missed the most important part of the question: What would happen if thought and clarity came together?

I have no idea- haha..wait..they already are together. but its a sense of understanding that this is occurring and not a direct experience of it

Are you still looking for something? If so, what? You'll know when the search is over. Are you still searching? then there's still work to be done.

You asked if you are close, That is your mind trying to grab something, to put a dot on the timeline, to make it into a goal that can be reached. I can't answer that question even if i wanted because there is no way of knowing and besides that, the process doesn't work like that. However, asking yourself that question might help. So, are you close? :)

my mind just feels daunted..even though my mind knows its just A mind- but the self is still there. I can entertain the idea of no self- sure- but I still feel after something. Like Im solving a murder mystery. I feel like I'm discovering something. I feel a progression. Damn you MIND!

No one (conceptually) but I still feel a faint attachment as if they are mine- I see a thought and sometimes I see the memory in first person- and then sometimes I see it as like "hey I know that person- and I'm seeing 'me'" but its not strange anymore- I'm just trying find the who that keeps doing this nonsense. its frustrating

We're not looking for a conceptual understanding here, but you know that. No matter how well you understand it, if there is still the sense of self, you're not done yet.

flat out- yes..there is. but it went from a 10 to about a 2.5 on the what the hell is this scale. thats a good thing. feels like a good thing at least. I'm less anxious about it. but this is 'mine' thats 'mine' is still happening.

Feeling good can be helpful but so can feeling bad. This process can't be put on a scale, either you see it, or you don't. It is like a weed growing in your garden, if you pull it out without taking the roots with it you'll end up with a jungle in no time. The mind doesn't mind laying low for a while but it will come back with a vengeance the moment something happens that it doesn't like. I'm not saying this to be discouraging, i'm just trying to ground you. Floating away may feel nice, until you start falling.

I have no idea- haha..wait..they already are together. but its a sense of understanding that this is occurring and not a direct experience of it

In those moments of clarity, what is present? Seeing? Hearing? Feeling? Smelling? A thought comes back in, what happens to the clarity? Is it not still there, seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling? Does the light go out or is it just simply shining on something less pleasant? Is there anything more than what you are seeing right now? than what you are seeing at any given moment?

my mind just feels daunted..even though my mind knows its just A mind- but the self is still there. I can entertain the idea of no self- sure- but I still feel after something. Like Im solving a murder mystery. I feel like I'm discovering something. I feel a progression. Damn you MIND!

There is nothing to discover, there is nothing to solve. If i point you to a haystack and tell you to search it untill you're sure there isn't a needle in it, when will you be sure there really isn't one? Will you ever be sure? Don't just look around, look at where you think 'you' are. You think you are the thinker? look at where thoughts come from. You think you are the decider? Look at how decisions are made. Is there just a me-sense? maybe it is like some central point inside you? Take a look at it. Tell me what it is, type it out, what kind of self do you think or feel is there? Just describe it.

Also, if there is anything you need from me, just ask. If i'm not making myself clear, let me know. Questions can get in the way so get them out there.

The mind doesn't mind laying low for a while but it will come back with a vengeance the moment something happens that it doesn't like. I'm not saying this to be discouraging, i'm just trying to ground you. Floating away may feel nice, until you start falling.

damn right it doesn't haha. I realize my doubts and fears are just doing their jobs and these questions are just thoughts about thoughts that for some reason there is clinging too- but I keep coming back to seeing myself grab bottle of water, take a drink- all while I'm thinking. likes it on autopilot. I catch myself just looking -and asking 'whats out there' like reality keeps living while I'm waiting and hesitating to jump in the mix. so that 'ego' is still there- but its SEEING it as an illusion literally makes my body shake haha. I'm realizing I'm expecting to feel happy all the time, rather than just embracing whatever happens. This is something I will honestly 'LOOK' at- it needs addressed- its fear.

In those moments of clarity, what is present? Seeing? Hearing? Feeling? Smelling? A thought comes back in, what happens to the clarity? Is it not still there, seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling? Does the light go out or is it just simply shining on something less pleasant? Is there anything more than what you are seeing right now? than what you are seeing at any given moment?

When a thought arises- that becomes followed and the 'outside' almost goes on standby. Mind just retreats in an instant. I like this 'light' you speak of- yes ..it IS just shining on something less pleasant - its hard to step back and just observe. You ask me questions and I find myself thinking hard about them. Aware that mind being mind.

There is nothing to discover, there is nothing to solve. If i point you to a haystack and tell you to search it until you're sure there isn't a needle in it, when will you be sure there really isn't one? Will you ever be sure? Don't just look around, look at where you think 'you' are. You think you are the thinker? look at where thoughts come from. You think you are the decider? Look at how decisions are made. Is there just a me-sense? maybe it is like some central point inside you? Take a look at it. Tell me what it is, type it out, what kind of self do you think or feel is there? Just describe it.

Also, if there is anything you need from me, just ask. If i'm not making myself clear, let me know. Questions can get in the way so get them out there.

This could get emotional haha- I feel sadness man...I do...its like when I realized santa wasn't real..its was sad...or when my aunt died....sad as all hell..I feel like im reading my own eulogy here - it feels like If I see I'm not there- that my whole life was a Lie and it just feels sad. That is wasn't "me" who saved my brother- or wasn't "me" who gave good advice to friends or wasn't 'me' who busted my ass in school and allowed me to live a pretty ok life....and now I want to erase this because its just thoughts on thoughts and ego trying to save face. ...its simple a matter of seeing through the illusion, but its a battle man. Holy hell I'm Vain haha- I'm sad about losing what I thought I was. I'm nothing more than a character in a movie. I'm nothing more than a character- cue Fight club quotes. I just feel deep sadness. I need to face this when I'm alone. rather..alone.

ps -You are making yourself perfectly clear my friend- I can't stop the emotions- and stopping them all these years is how I ended up here in the fist place. Whatever you are doing or asking is making me FACE this mess head on. I can't thank you enough for that. Its for lack of better words "Untrapping" things. All I need from you is to just ' run along side the bike' til I pedal all the way myself-well 'myself' - I don't even know what the hell I even typed just now- but I'm hitting submit.

damn right it doesn't haha. I realize my doubts and fears are just doing their jobs and these questions are just thoughts about thoughts that for some reason there is clinging too- but I keep coming back to seeing myself grab bottle of water, take a drink- all while I'm thinking. likes it on autopilot. I catch myself just looking -and asking 'whats out there' like reality keeps living while I'm waiting and hesitating to jump in the mix. so that 'ego' is still there- but its SEEING it as an illusion literally makes my body shake haha. I'm realizing I'm expecting to feel happy all the time, rather than just embracing whatever happens. This is something I will honestly 'LOOK' at- it needs addressed- its fear.

You can't embrace it as long as you think it is happening to you. Tell me, how do you embrace something? Something happens and your mind goes "just accept this"? Can you see the problem with that? It is a thought addressing someone and it is believed because there is something that feels addressed. What is this something? The next thought will probably be something like "ah, that's better", or "yes but...". Can you see how this is just thoughts talking to thoughts and thoughts responding to thoughts? If you have to think about accepting something, you're not really accepting it.

When a thought arises- that becomes followed and the 'outside' almost goes on standby. Mind just retreats in an instant. I like this 'light' you speak of- yes ..it IS just shining on something less pleasant - its hard to step back and just observe. You ask me questions and I find myself thinking hard about them. Aware that mind being mind.

This right here is the problem, you think there is an outside and an inside. What exactly is outside? if that beautiful sunset is on the outside, then why isn't the ugly thought on the outside? Why isn't everything on the outside? Or lets turn it around, why isn't the beautiful sunset on the inside, just like the ugly thought? Isn't there just the seeing of both? of everything?

This could get emotional haha- I feel sadness man...I do...its like when I realized santa wasn't real..its was sad...or when my aunt died....sad as all hell..I feel like im reading my own eulogy here - it feels like If I see I'm not there- that my whole life was a Lie and it just feels sad. That is wasn't "me" who saved my brother- or wasn't "me" who gave good advice to friends or wasn't 'me' who busted my ass in school and allowed me to live a pretty ok life....and now I want to erase this because its just thoughts on thoughts and ego trying to save face. ...its simple a matter of seeing through the illusion, but its a battle man. Holy hell I'm Vain haha- I'm sad about losing what I thought I was. I'm nothing more than a character in a movie. I'm nothing more than a character- cue Fight club quotes. I just feel deep sadness. I need to face this when I'm alone. rather..alone.

It seems like you are having issues with the 'free will' part of this. Don't, it's irrelevant. Maybe there is no free will, maybe there is, it is just not yours. You won't lose anything because it's not there to begin with. You are not a character in a movie because there is no 'you' and there is no movie. There is just what's here right this moment.

You can't embrace it as long as you think it is happening to you. Tell me, how do you embrace something? Something happens and your mind goes "just accept this"? Can you see the problem with that? It is a thought addressing someone and it is believed because there is something that feels addressed. What is this something? The next thought will probably be something like "ah, that's better", or "yes but...". Can you see how this is just thoughts talking to thoughts and thoughts responding to thoughts? If you have to think about accepting something, you're not really accepting it

I embraced jumping out of a plane- a second before I did it. Its like why would my body even allow me to get in the plane if it was that "just accept this and do it" moment right before I jumped. It was amazing. I loved it. So why throw out an 'idea' that allowed me to enjoy such awesomeness. So I get lost on whether it was my ego or my mind minus the ego making it enjoyable. I know this being ridiculous- but what drives people then?- it would suck to be passionless...we would have no computers right in this moment- but where does the drive come from. I'm being 'that guy' again. It doesn't feel right to abandon something that has helped the 'doer' and the countless 'receivers' - Polio vaccine is a prime example. I think this is literally just 'fear' really holding on to me.

This right here is the problem, you think there is an outside and an inside. What exactly is outside? if that beautiful sunset is on the outside, then why isn't the ugly thought on the outside? Why isn't everything on the outside? Or lets turn it around, why isn't the beautiful sunset on the inside, just like the ugly thought? Isn't there just the seeing of both? of everything?

But isn't the beautiful sunset on the 'inside'- out there its just a sun being sunny- it takes references to realize how wondrous it really is- the mind- which you can't tangibly find- is the source of making sense of sensory. I'm struggling to just use sensory and not let the mind consume itself. obviously im not allowing anything to 'be' because here I am still thinking I have any damn 'say' in it. Last thing I want to do here- is waste your time or anyone else that is better equipped for this. <---doubt.damnit

It seems like you are having issues with the 'free will' part of this. Don't, it's irrelevant. Maybe there is no free will, maybe there is, it is just not yours. You won't lose anything because it's not there to begin with. You are not a character in a movie because there is no 'you' and there is no movie. There is just what's here right this moment

This is so foolish of me to think I can "think myself through this"- I can observe everything but my mind- just minding. I can't 'detach' presently. I'm a science/math guy. Can you tell? :) I have to go see the families for the holiday- I will report back late tomorrow or Friday. Hand shake and an eye contact thanks to you.

I embraced jumping out of a plane- a second before I did it. Its like why would my body even allow me to get in the plane if it was that "just accept this and do it" moment right before I jumped. It was amazing. I loved it. So why throw out an 'idea' that allowed me to enjoy such awesomeness. So I get lost on whether it was my ego or my mind minus the ego making it enjoyable. I know this being ridiculous- but what drives people then?- it would suck to be passionless...we would have no computers right in this moment- but where does the drive come from. I'm being 'that guy' again. It doesn't feel right to abandon something that has helped the 'doer' and the countless 'receivers' - Polio vaccine is a prime example. I think this is literally just 'fear' really holding on to me.

Did you jump out of a plane because you thought it would be a fun experience, or did you do it so you could be 'the guy that once jumped from a plane'? The first is an honest motivation, the second, not so much. The mind has all kind of reasons and ways to motivate itself but the only motivation that will always bring pain in the end involves a self. The jumping from the plane obviously brought you joy, does it also bring you joy when you're talking to someone and you're trying to force the story into the conversation somewhere or hoping that person will mention it? And what happens when the subject comes up and the person acts like it's no big deal? Will there be joy then? I can think of a million motivations that don't involve a self and i know you can too. If you want people not to become sick, you get things like the polio vaccine. If you like technology and building things, you get computers. Can you see the diffence between wanting to help people and wanting to be a people helper? For some people almost nothing changes after seeing and some people lose certain drives completely, it all depends on what these drives were based on.

But isn't the beautiful sunset on the 'inside'- out there its just a sun being sunny- it takes references to realize how wondrous it really is- the mind- which you can't tangibly find- is the source of making sense of sensory. I'm struggling to just use sensory and not let the mind consume itself. obviously im not allowing anything to 'be' because here I am still thinking I have any damn 'say' in it. Last thing I want to do here- is waste your time or anyone else that is better equipped for this. <---doubt.damnit

You don't have to think about the sunset to know it's beautiful, the thoughts just narrate the experience. If you're trying to only focus on the sensory input it's no wonder you're struggling, dont do that. If the mind consumes itself, let it and watch it happen.

Don't worry about wasting my time, it's an interesting proces for me as well.

This is so foolish of me to think I can "think myself through this"- I can observe everything but my mind- just minding. I can't 'detach' presently. I'm a science/math guy. Can you tell? :) I have to go see the families for the holiday- I will report back late tomorrow or Friday. Hand shake and an eye contact thanks to you.

Don't beat yourself up about it, it isn't easy. It is rediculously simple, but definitely not easy. Have fun and relax :)

Did you jump out of a plane because you thought it would be a fun experience, or did you do it so you could be 'the guy that once jumped from a plane'? The first is an honest motivation, the second, not so much. The mind has all kind of reasons and ways to motivate itself but the only motivation that will always bring pain in the end involves a self. The jumping from the plane obviously brought you joy, does it also bring you joy when you're talking to someone and you're trying to force the story into the conversation somewhere or hoping that person will mention it? And what happens when the subject comes up and the person acts like it's no big deal? Will there be joy then? I can think of a million motivations that don't involve a self and i know you can too. If you want people not to become sick, you get things like the polio vaccine. If you like technology and building things, you get computers. Can you see the diffence between wanting to help people and wanting to be a people helper? For some people almost nothing changes after seeing and some people lose certain drives completely, it all depends on what these drives were based on.

I skydived, I'm not vegetarian --haha :) i kid i kid . I jumped for fun- brother suggested it- and I obliged...I get interested in literally everything and pursue until the interest goes away- I have so many hobbies -cut down- and the ones that I love are all that remain... and this journey has not gone away in like 5 years after I discovered materialism and the white picket life is bullshit. I left that entire life behind and I'm still here trotting along- way happier than I was- but still nudging for that last piece of the puzzle. I don't get joy about talking about myself-it might appear that way here, but I promised not to censor my thoughts and I figured it might serve a purpose to get an idea of who I think I am before I say goodbye to it haha. And to let you laugh at how 'modest' I think I am- even though in real life- I am...because I just don't relate to too many people in the "look at me look what I have" society and any time people ask why I left that all behind- they don't understand why and they sure as heck don't understand what I left it for..being this...... and this journey has led me to many great things including my Fiance who was searching at the same time while we were merely friends....she didn't know I was searching and vice versa..after the Romance hit--we talked about all of this and our paths crossed soooo many times before we 'met' its laughable and kinda weird...like dreams about things in her house that I recognized even before ever being there..cool right...chance? who knows...irrelevant? yea..probably......but its cool right? haha....anyway- she had the Tolle moment-- and her attempts at helping me have been futile. But She did say whatever is happening here is working because I'm much more pleasant and less stubborn to be around haha....and I even feel it- it just feels like a leap of faith that I'm hesitating to take man.

anyway... My tone here is playful and respectful towards you- I type as If I'm talking to you and we've known each other our whole lives. Free therapy :) holy TANGENT- my bad. But my curious personality has me questioning why I'm even here.I like it here, but my curious side is getting in the way.

You don't have to think about the sunset to know it's beautiful, the thoughts just narrate the experience. If you're trying to only focus on the sensory input it's no wonder you're struggling, dont do that. If the mind consumes itself, let it and watch it happen.

I'm try man..haha...I keep falling off the wagon...this is the only time I want ON THE WAGON....




Don't worry about wasting my time, it's an interesting proces for me as well.

You're welcome. :) but for real. I'm running out of things to question in all of this. Trick or not- I read over my previous posts and I can't even identify with it . It's just there. No more dwelling.

Don't beat yourself up about it, it isn't easy. It is rediculously simple, but definitely not easy. Have fun and relax :)

No its not easy -haha. I'm going to step back for a few hours and pull myself together. For what its worth- I have never felt better or content with all that has happened in my past or so comfortable in situations I've had this week. Everything just feels easier. But I'm still doing the 'search' - this is a mind trick isn't it...haha....

and now the Beatles are playing on spotify "everything will work out if you let it....".....really...lol...even the damn internet is slapping me.