The Gate

I've had a curious interplay of seeing and not seeing, knowing and not over the past week or so. Can't tell if the moments of not seeing, not knowing are simple being or of slipping back into "me-ness." Thought that it's a little of both - sometimes more, sometimes less.

Curious to observe that when in another's presence and describing the in-the-moment experience of no-self, the knowing is clear and true. When just inside my own thoughts, it's the I/me/my business as usual…unless I stop and remind myself. (Interesting phrase, isn't it? "Remind myself;" bring "self" back to mind as a way of noticing what is actually here, as opposed to the knee-jerk habit of "me-ing," re-fabricating the character of Gail.)

There have been various types of resistance popping up since my last post. When noticing the trees and plants and animals and bugs and cars and people and movement of all happening by itself, there have been feelings of tremendous restlessness, impatience. mind chatter that seems almost unbearable. Wanting the chatter, the constant narrative and description of what is seen, felt, heard to STOP! Noticing the expectations of stillness, insight, knowing, peace. A story that "I'm not there yet. I'm not getting it. Blah blah blah." Physical tension like an over-caffeinated morning, though it can happen at any time of the day or night, even after chamomile tea!

Thoughts about not wanting it all to just be happening on its own. Wishing there could indisputable evidence of a conductor, an orchestrator, a puppet master making it all go. That thought pattern generates the most uncomfortable resistance of all. That's when there's the inner grasping, tension, holding - and of course, fear - that I so often identify as "me." Just realized that much of the fear is that life ("mine") will seem empty and meaningless if there is the realization that there's no doer/Doer. (Big sigh of letting go a little.)

Then there is the simple and beautiful and free-flying emptiness of being.

What a see-saw, Ilona; what a merry-go-round! It's a flipping theme park of up/down, in/out, grasping/letting go, searching for just the right word/letting it all just flow…

Whee! - down the slide to who-knows-where? Feeling so close to the gate, but still clinging to the bars I imagine still block my way.

Another sigh - and then a chuckle. There's an element of the thought of "Gail the Seeker" (as opposed to no-one there and nothing to find) that is very seductive, yet also torture and exhausting. The seeker, pilgrim, voyager wants to come home.

Thank you, Ilona, for your patience and generosity. Don't give up on me.

Gail

Oh yeah, some intensity is expected in this process and welcome it.
Mind is scared to disappear, as silly as it sounds. Mind does not disappear. Thinking still goes on. Some patterns of thinking drop, that does not mean that mind disappears. You may read this article on thinking, it may be of help. http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/201 ... nking.html

Tell me, what me-ing is happening to? Or is it just arising as another story?
Is there a me that owns the story?

The merry-go-round is a stage where old beliefs are dropping and still there is something that wants it to be as it was- comfortable with old belief system, so there is tension. Take the path of least resistance, let all the old and no longer useful drop. That is say- so be it. Relax into it and watch it unfold.

What is that need the life to be meaningful? What is holding on to the story of meaning? What does life mean?

Sending love.

Tell me, what me-ing is happening to? Or is it just arising as another story?
Is there a me that owns the story?

Me-ing as another story…A thought that prompts a series of sensations and emotions, and quickly following is a thought of frustration at the habit. Is the story of frustration just another story? What is this frustration made of? It's an idea, a thought about a nonexistent "me" wanting to be complex, challenging, interesting. A thought about wanting to be different/better/more than average/exceptional. Not wanting to let go. But what is the holding? Just sensations, thoughts and feelings intermingled - but not a "me."

And trying to stay in the present moment takes a huge amount of energy. Noticing though is effortless.

YES! I get that! At last…at least for now...maybe forever!

Noticed the difference between two interpretations of a meditation practice of labeling/naming what is being experienced when becoming aware of it ("hearing," "smelling," "aching," "itching," "thinking," etc.). I used to perceive this as just a labeling exercise, of noticing and naming what was happening in experience, but primarily as a thought exercise: if I notice and name correctly, I'm "doing it" right, e.g. "meditating." The problem was that the phrase, "I am…" always preceded whatever verb was assigned to the experience. Again, the thought was the experience, not the experience itself. The exercise distanced me from what was known in that moment.

Taking time to thank mind for thought, express gratitude for its presence in this being's life - unique and universal, the mind and thought. Happening whether willed or not (certainly not willed by any "self" or "me"): unpredictable, versatile, skilled, and not always wise to its own habits and tricks. A great gift - Thank you, mind!

So what is it that expresses thanks, or holds the intention to do so? It seems that gratitude follows the thought of its expression, extending from some mysterious place within/without/beyond, and just happens. Mind receives and calms down almost instantly. Less intensity or clamoring for attention from thought. Finding its rightful place in being. Not the center, not the initiator, not the doer, and not a "self." It just is.

Thank you, Ilona, for the article on "Thinking." Very well timed. Just digging into the "should" and "want" stuff - very rich! Will follow up with you as more is revealed.

Sending love and gratitude to you. What a gift is given here!

Sweet! It is amazing how kindness and love to words mind lets it relax and thoughts no longer are a problem. They are expression of what is. Noticing that is enough to let them settle.

Do you have to try to be unique? Is uniqueness special? Is any one character more unique then another? Can you appreciate uniqueness that is expressed as Gail?

Sending love.

Amazing how - once the knowing begins to stabilize - so many other things start to slide into place. It just takes noticing...and someone to point the way.

And trying to stay in the present moment takes a huge amount of energy. Noticing though is effortless.

Noticing the truth in this was indeed effortless. Example: Was at hospital emergency room with husband all day Sunday (back injury; he's getting better), and engaged in lots of care/household issues until today. Noticed moments when I wanted the event to be "mine" somehow, then noticed/remembered that there is no "me." In that moment the distortion was simply and instantly gone.

Last night when drifting off to sleep, noticed the link between memory/images and the mind's attachment to the "me" thought. Example: At hospital, interactions among ER doc, Jerry (husband), Gail, other staff were spontaneous, healing, fortunate, and a moment-by-moment unfolding that happened through/as all of us. Afterward, though, because the "Gail" component was part of it, thoughts - in the form of memory - wanted "Gail" to take credit somehow, to personalize and make it "hers." Noticing this simply as a thought; noticing the feelings associated with the thought/images/memory; noticing that now there is a thought about wanting to hold onto them, replay them; noticing that - without the thought - there is deep release and freedom now.

No need to "try to be unique;" all of "us" are and must be so - what beauty!…the butterfly wings of something happening now and now and now. And, yes, I can appreciate the uniqueness expressed as "Gail;" and what makes it unique are the differences among us and that we're all part of this ever-shifting kaleidoscope of all that is - now and now and now - and there is no "one" of us here, just life. My mind can grab the illusion back for a moment here, an hour (or more) there; but the intervals of just living, just being, without "trying to remember" or "be in the present moment" simply unfold as they are.

Perhaps this "liberation" is happening drop-by-drop; perhaps it has already "happened" and has always been. Don't know. Letting it go for now. May pick up the scraps of the illusion tomorrow, maybe not. We'll see :-)

(Noticing how "should" and "want" play their roles got put on back burner, but not taken off the stove.)

Thank you, Ilona!

p.s. - Will try to post more regularly. It seems that momentum may indeed be helpful to move deeper and faster. I feel in a bit of a "holding pattern."

That was beautiful to read.
The shift can be very subtle, it may happen unnoticeably. Or not. Whatever is right is what is happening. How to know- it IS.

Can you say, that the shift has happened? If not, what's missing?

Sending love.

Thank you for your reply, Ilona. (Of course "I" wanted to take credit for the content of what was written. When it was being written, though, there were both "me" and "no-me" at the keyboard, depending on when noticing occurred - another example of post-experience thought taking credit for what had happened in the moment.)

I'm not sure that the shift has happened, but feel close - or even "shifted" in certain moments. What's missing? A sense of stability, trust, and perhaps…aah…the familiar crutch of "belief," even though I know belief has nothing to do with this.

Mind says, "Maybe you just want to believe this, and therefore make it so. But, my dear, you're just fooling yourself. You want to please Ilona, have her approval and blessing. You want to…(fill in the blank)…"

All mind gobbledegook - but...

The concern is that the years of conditioning, programming, will override what I know - or at least obscure it.

I guess I'm just a little (a lot) afraid that I'll forget…and not remember.

I'm expecting, hoping for, (needing?) a greater degree of inner assurance, knowing, trust. I don't experience that right now. It only comes in moments of focus, reflection, intention. Not trusting what I "know" to carry me through on a day-to-day, moment-by-moment basis.

There seems to be the need for greater trust and stability. That's what "is" right now. Check with me tomorrow, and it may be different :-) I hope so!

The concern is that the years of conditioning, programming, will override what I know - or at least obscure it.

Take a good look and tell me, what is conditioning? How do you experience conditioning? Is conditioning owned by you?

There is no certainty in life. All is an organic, ever changing movement. You can trust that. Nothing is permanent, nothing is solid, life is just happening. There is no way to know what will happen. There is only what is happening now. That you can trust. Now is what IS. The rest is imagined.

It's not that there is you trusting life. There is only trusting life. Take a look, is there a gap between you and life?
What is it that wants to hold on to certainty? What is fear protecting?

Sending love.

Wrote a bunch of stuff today about conditioning, making myself believe I was digging in. Doesn't mean anything except babble, even to me, at this point. Will dive again tomorrow. Didn't want to waste your time with it.

How would you answer my questions today? Give your best shot.

What is conditioning?

"Conditioning" is a concept, a label, referring to a type of learning based on repeated and/or forceful exposure to a stimulus: An organism experiences something and begins to associate the experience (pain/pleasure/etc.), with one or more of the conditions accompanying it. The association provokes or becomes linked to another behavior/belief/attitude, etc., that accompanied the initial experience.

Like "university," though. "conditioning" can't be seen, felt, or heard. Conditioning - as a thing - doesn't exist. It's an idea.

How do you experience conditioning?

I don't really experience "conditioning;" I feel, think, or do whatever presents itself in the moment, whether it's an habituated reaction or something arising spontaneously from what is experienced in the present moment.

Is conditioning owned by you?

No. Conditioning can't be "owned" by anyone. It's not "something," and doesn't really exist as a thing at all. The concept of "my conditioning" is as empty as both "conditioning" and "me;" neither is "real" or "exists," in and of itself.

There is only what is happening now. That you can trust. Now is what IS. The rest is imagined.

Yes! I see that! At least now and now and now. Next moment - who knows what I will "know" or "see;" but I see it now.

It's not that there is you trusting life. There is only trusting life. Take a look, is there a gap between you and life?

There is no gap. Sometimes there are thoughts that suggest there is a 'me" here and "life" out there; but those thoughts are empty. Though another thought might intrude to suggest otherwise, it's just another empty, fleeting thought.

What is it that wants to hold on to certainty? What is fear protecting?

An idea of needing certainty wants to hold on, nothing more than that.

Fear is a thought protecting what is familiar to Gail, so "she" will feel/be safe. Nothing more than that.

Great work. :)

How is it going? Is the search still here? Is there anything incomplete?
Sending love.

Monday night:

Do I know for certain that there is no "me?" When I look for it, I know it isn't there, but I have to look for it or be engaged in some way, either in communication with someone about this, or intentionally looking within, to know for sure in that moment. Most of the time I seem to be in what is perceived as "consciousness as usual." This makes me realize that there are lingering expectations about what "liberation" should feel like, be like.

I "expect" some alteration in perception that gets carried over into day-to-day activities. When I was at the supermarket and running errands, for example, there was no perceived - what? - freedom, flowingness, knowing there was nothing but "being" unfolding moment by moment.

When I was scanning "Enlightened Quotes," a few jumped out at me. One that comes to mind read something like, "Just because you're not aware of a self when going through your day, that doesn't mean that it's there," or some other mind twister that brought about a hiccup in perception. I guess I want the "hiccup" to stick somehow, so that there is "irrevocable" knowing.

There is still the perception of some kind of barrier between "Gail" and existence, being, life, even though it's an impossibility. There are moments, though, when perception gets turned inside-out in a way, and there is simply what is. Yet there's still some level of belief in a "me" that can "get it," forever and ever, world without end. Amen.

Aarrgh!

There is wanting to feel and perceive differently from what has been known all this life until now. The "I" thought flickers on and off so quickly - in nanoseconds, it seems - that the sense of identification with it is almost always here somehow in the background. And yet I know this is just another nanosecond of an "I" thought passing through. The wanting to grab it, the grabbing it, the effort to see it, and then the letting go - over and over and over again - seem exhausting right now.

So I guess the search is still here…or there…or not. Something seems incomplete, and it's the result of the grasping thought, which is the residue of fear.

So, looking again, what is fear protecting? What is fear, anyway? How is it being experienced?

Looking at fear as a "conditioned" response:

The experience is of a tightening of the subtle muscles in the upper body (heart area, throat, solar plexus, around the eyes, forehead); a kind of warding off of something perceived as threatening, dangerous, annihilating; thought patterns that speak more of what will happen if "I" don't let go, more than what will happen if "I" do (very tricky, oh agile mind!).

…So, for the past two hours I've been prepping dinner, folding laundry, running interference for husband in pain…and didn't stop once to notice "who" was doing this. Apparently, no-one.

Is that the point?

Plus, I'm hard-pressed to distinguish between what I write for me, and what I write for you, Ilona. I feel like I'm writing to "us/me/you." Regardless, I write and then edit until what has appeared on the page/screen is aligned with the thought/feeling/state that inspired it.

Tuesday afternoon:

Is the search still here? Is there anything incomplete?

Well, well…all that digging yesterday seems to have provoked a subtle shift. It feels like the search may be done - nothing to really look for and no-one looking for anything anyway. It's subtle indeed! Realized I've been expecting something "more": bigger, more obvious, louder bells and whistles. Right now there are thoughts coming and going, but behind them is apparent space and relative quiet. Earlier today: stressful circumstances provoking strong feelings that were easily let go when there was the realization that the (minimal) crisis didn't really happen to anyone.

Thought: "Can it really be so?"
Another thought: "Maybe. If so, I'm not sure what all the fuss was about."
Another thought: "You could be making this all up."
Another thought: "Maybe. Maybe not."

What do you think, Ilona? (I'm smiling. I'm peaceful within.)

Haha, many expect a big boom-bara-boom, when all it is is a drop of belief. Yes, shift is subtle. Sometimes not even clear when it happened, only that it happened. It can be noticed, when you look back, that something is no longer there.

It's very ordinary, life goes on as it always did, the thing that changes is how you feel about it.
It's very simple: either you see it or you think you don't. And seeing is always on. Thoughts may say otherwise, but that's only because of belief, that there is something else to see, when all is already obvious.

When you look at Gail today, what do you notice?
When you look at husband, is there a separate entity inside that body?

Sending love.