Giving another shot, looking for a guide

[clearskye]

Filip,
How are you? You haven't been in contact for a while... checking in.
with love,
Skye

[filipek]

Hey, im very sorry for no replies for a long time. Easter time was pretty intense here, and i really did not know wht to write. Also i kind of forgot that the space is so close and was looking for it in the wrong places. Observing sensations works pretty good. Sometimes i do not remember to do it. Should i do inquiry while sitting down and being mindful or should i just do daily routine and try to bring awareness while doing "normal" stuf?

[clearskye]

Filip,
Thanks for responding. Any time--sitting quietly, or doing your daily routine. Awareness is always with you--simply notice it!
with love,
Skye

[filipek]

thank you! have you got any other questions/tips for my process or should i just keep noticing?

[clearskye]

I want to add to what I said earlier, because words always fail... Awareness is always with you, because it IS you--the truth of what you are.

Notice how feelings and thoughts stick together for the next day. How a feeling arises, and we immediately label it. Watch the labeling process.
with love,
Skye

[filipek]

Hi. for me it is pretty difficult to see the mechanincs of thought-feeling interaction. for one i feel like i was avoiding conciouss experience of feeling whole my life and just recently im relaxing into consciously feeling. maybe that is the problem. So what i;ve noticed is that very often thoughts trigger feelings. so its like 1-the experiance, 2-labeling the experience, 3- feeling in response to thought (this may not be the only way, but its what ive noticed).There is also mind pattern of just assuming all the sensations in the body and mind as 'me' and labeling them as 'me'.

[clearskye]

Hi Filip,
But now, which is the only moment that matters, you ARE noticing the interaction between thoughts and feelings. However you used to be is gone!
Check and see if sometimes body sensations come, and then the mind labels them--as well as the other way around, which you have described.
with love,
Skye

[filipek]

Hey Skye.

This awakening process in my particular case seems to be going pretty messy ;) There is some recognition of awareness, it lasts for a few days. there are times when loads of mind patterns (not particulary beautiful ones ;)) are coming up. than there are few days of numbness, disinterest and "losing" recognition of awareness. Does seeing through the illusion sometimes happens gradualy? there wasn't any big bang in my case, it's all a mess. but it looks like this trip is leading me somewhere and it kind of knows where it's going. it looks like even the moments that i get lost in the mind are part of this process

[clearskye]

Filip, but when mind patterns arise, the messy ones, WHAT NOTICES?

Seeing through for me was so very gradual. You are doing fine.

Somehow I missed seeing your last note, sorry it took me so long to answer...
With love,
Skye

[filipek]

Hi. Yesterday i had some interesting insights. I think noone notices. everything is made of consciousness. and mind takes some seemingly solid elements of experience and labels them me vs other creating illusion of separation. There is no separation at all. So i do not know if i penetrated through whole illusion of self. I still move into auto mode and perceiving through the lens of separatedness. Rightnowican "look" my way out of mind into seeing that nothing is separate. This happend last night, so i'll see how i feel about it in the next days

[clearskye]

Wonderful, Filip.
Keep noticing this insight! It may feel that you are "losing it and finding it"--but that is not actually so. What is it that notices the finding and losing?
With love,
Amrita

[filipek]

Hey, i'm sorry it was so long, but im still inquiring. i'm experiencing something interestingrigh now. So i can tune in to this stillnes (that is always there i just put my attentiononit somehow sometimes), at any time.it's graeatbut im afraid i will lose it.the reason for this isthat i have no idea what it is. thereis just this consciousness, and if any questions arise it will just burn them. so i have like no understanding about nature of self etc because whenever any questions like "is there a separate self?" appear, this consciousness just burns this questions alive. it doesnt give any answers. it's actually what everyone has been describing, except i do not know where is it coming from. peace, stillness, etc. so i cant answer any questions because words lost their meanings. it's like they appear and than they are seen as illusion and just fade. i cant point to anything when i think about I. there is just sensation in the body, and thought going like 'im here' but after a while thought and sensation dies, and im left with nothing :D. there was no apparent shift, and there is no understanding about any of this, this just is. maybe its too early too worry but im afraid that it will fade, and the thought will appear as solid reality again. because i do no know if i have seen through the illusion of separateness. i dont know what separatedness means. just ideas of separatedness appear and their seen as illusion and dissolve. should i go to and look if separate self exists (even if it makes no sense) or should i stay with this umm awareness and just observe what's up.

[filipek]

again sorry for posting so late, i have problems with systematicity in all areas of my life :D

[clearskye]

Filip!
How wonderful to hear from you. I thought you had fallen away.

but im afraid i will lose it

This is the mind speaking. How could you? This is what you are. There is nothing the mind can know about this--it is unknowable, it is only liveable.

i dont know what separatedness means.

Beautiful! Because you have discovered that it is an illusion! It isn't really there, is it.

Yes, words do lose their meanings, don't they. And as you say, all there is is sensation.

With love,
Skye

[filipek]

Hi
Can you verify me somehow ? :D no idea if this is IT, but i probably created high expectations. the recognition is not fading. in the past i experienced many glimpses that lasted for few days and faded. right now i find it beneficial to meditate. a lot of resistance, feelings and thoughts. its messy, but as i just relax, mind seems to purify by itself. there were some amazing moments with no thoughts at all, but even with thoughts there is no thinker (just many ideas of thinker). Did it take lot of emptying in your case? there are still some pretty strong ideas that present moments needs to be changed, improved somehow before i can enjoy it so there is a lot of focus to clear the mind. but im starting to see this as an illusion as well. hugs Filip