Is there an actual I anywhere ?
No I there. Thoughts that want to show itself, are radiantly placed into view, some a little longer, some less, but dissolve in the light of SEEing.
Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works.
I would imagine the illusion of a separate self starts from infancy. At first it is vague. The baby has to get use to breathing on its own. Even still, it is held, cuddled and it sweetly sucks and receives it's nourishment at it's mother's breast. All needs are taken care of. Then, as time goes on, he needs to let the mother know he is hungry, his diaper needs changing. He communicates his needs through crying. He is cold, warm, etc. He sees faces. At first he probably sees it as an extension of himself. Gradually, there is a separate self. Baby and mother. Then baby and others. He learns to adapt to the environment. Smiling, cooing, etc. Probably at the time of the terrible twos he learns Me, I want. I can control the environment. Parents teach him names of things. All of which are separate from himself. This is a ball, a toy, your brother. Story, manipulation of environment, etc might begin there. He crawls, stands, learns to control his body physically. From there, over the years, thoughts and emotions are formed and recognized as his own. Especially as mom and dad encourage the separate identity and make a fuss about it. What's your name? How old are you? Do you like this or that? He identifies with his emotions and then his thoughts, creating more and more elementary stories which he incorporates as his own.. He sees himself as unique. He strives to become something in the world. Looks for things he is interested in and explore them. Sees what excites him, what he is good at, what he judges he's not good at. He gathers all information and assimilates it in reference to his own set of interests, intelligence, personality, desires, morality, etc, etc. Probably in his teens and early twenties, he looks to keep experiencing the world. Judgements become stronger, as do the stories he creates about them. He rebels against what he judges is wrong with establishment. He takes a stand for his beliefs. Creates a future based upon the stories he has formed in reference to himself, his environment, his conditionings, ya de da. The false sense of self gets stronger and stronger, as does his patterned conditioning. From there, life gets lived out from such egoic, storyland formations. A house of cards. All based upon the stories he has created and/or the environment he lives in. His EQ, education, intelligence, personality, religious upbringing, socioeconomic upbringing, physical temperament, nervous system, etc, etc . Taking the illusion as his separate self identity. This is me. I am the doer. I take from my past and I create my future. Learning from success and failures of what the separate self perceives itself to be in the world.This usually continues until grace/awareness is reawakened. Obviously grace is ever present and alive. There is never a time grace is not. It just manifests in the magnificence of the moment. This re-awakenning could happen at any age, any time, as it is always present. It is the aliveness of the living, flowing moment.
When you consider that the shift has happened, is there an emotional reaction ? What is it ?
No thought. Awareness arising and being seen. Freshness of life dancing, lightness, freedom, hanging out in what is before this one in a moment of time, being lived from that emptiness as form appears within it, dissolves and new form is manifested. Responding to what arises from within spontaneously. No self identity, seeing from non physical eyes, ever changing life, movement as a leaf being blown in the wind, being moved. Fluidity, a resting, joy being lived
What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look? was there a specific moment when seeing happened or was it gradual? what exactly happened?
The last push was a SEEing exercise that you gave this one. What was gotten was SEEing had been happening for quite a while, without this one realizing it. It was an 'ah ha' moment. It was that simple. I remembering whispering the question' Can it be that easy?". You answered, "Yes. Yes. Yes." It was just a confirmation of what was happening. It was like the experience of a child learning to ride a two wheeled bicycle. Her father had let go of the bike and she kept riding. I awakened to the realization that I had been riding the bike, without 'another' holding onto it.
When you say "I", what are you referring to?
'I' used to be my self identity. 'I' now is just a way of communicating, a labeling for others...unless 'my' conditioning kicks in. At that time the 'I' is held in the container of what is. It is watched. The conditioned patterns are still alive, but the attachment to it, the belief that it is 'me' is not.
In your current experiencing, when looking happens, is there experiencing of a self experiencing, or is there experiencing of the experienced being experienced, or is there just experiencing?
Much of the time, it is the experiencing. If I am deeply caught up in my patterned conditioning, however, there is experiencing of the experienced being experienced. (If I am understanding this question correctly)
Does experience belong to the body, or does the body belong to experience?
The body belongs to experience. This one is pretty clear on this. However, there is an area in which there is no awareness. This has to do with a body going through excruciating pain. There is mental understanding of the difference between pain and suffering, but not 'known' through experiencing. Right now, this is just a storyline being watched in SEEing mode, as mental projections arise.
What did you experience at the moment you awoke?
A naturalness. Like it was there all the time.
Describe your experience in the hours and days following awakening
While SEEing seems natural, years and years of patterned conditioning is still very present. The recognition of the conditioning becomes a trigger point into bringing back SEEing. I don't make it wrong. In the past, when the conditioning showed up, I would think that something was 'off' with my practice. The same patterns seem to appear and disappear. Now, it is just part of the Isness of this one's momentary experience. It is not beyond this one to engage in a sense of story, go into ranting and emotion. It is what it is.This one can watch the craziness, have a sense of humor about it and re-enter SEEing in shorter and shorter intervals.
How would you describe it to somebody who has never heard about this illusion but is curious about it.
Firstly, I wouldn't try to describe it. I have seen that when my mind tries to describe something it is assuming there is a pat answer for everyone. A living answer comes from this one experiencing the nowness of the moment. From that, the living answer automatically arises. I used to judge the situation and get a feel for what I thought was needed. I am getting that even my judgements of situations are swayed by my conditioning. So what is left?
This is what comes through at this particular point in time. It could be entirely different 5 minutes from now:
Our whole lives we have been taught that our thoughts and feelings are who we are. We then add to it our environment, genetics, our preferences, etc. All, we think, make up who we are. Yet, if we really explore this, none can be true. One minute we think this way, the next minute it could be exactly the opposite. So how could we be our thoughts? One minute we feel this way and the next minute, we feel the opposite. So how can we be our feelings? One minute we are a mental genius. The next minute we have a stroke and lose our thinking capacities. One minute our role in life is a doctor. The next minute one retires and is a no longer that role. One minute you are married and the next minute your mate dies or you get divorced. All the things we have tried to hang our hats upon change. Nothing stays the same. There is no stability in the outer world. So then if all this is taken away, what is left? There is a vast container that holds all of this. We are that. But 'that' is nothing you can see. It is forever alive, movements arise in it and dissolve in it, but IT still remains. It is. When the illusion of a separate self is seen and recognized for what it is, the albatross is removed from ones neck. Fresh life fills the quicksand of the separate self. Ever changing, fluidity, living intelligence, living love, joy, life gets lived. It arises. It is. As strange and paradoxical as it sounds, the only 'stability' arises in the fluidity of life appearing as whatever is in front of you. There is no need to trust in anything, any person, anything. The trust is in the moment revealing itself in the most perfect way... in the moment.
Are you 'through the gateless gate' ?
I totally know I am not thoughts and feelings. I get it 100%. There can never be any doubt now. The shift has occurred. My conditioning lags far behind this, however, in this area.
