Postby Ana » Fri Jan 04, 2013 9:15 am
I haven't said much yet about "inside" (thoughts) and an "outside" (world), also about linear time being a vast illusion, and how I got the Ana identity. In this context I meant to ask in how much detail I should go into describing how learning who I am was drilled into me over again through growing up, school, family and society?
Dear Shell and T.,
it feels like I need to write about 'inside' and 'outside', and about linear time being a vast illusion, at the same time as I they seem to me inseparable now. Let's see if I can find words for this. Experiencing time as short or long is very common to most people, however the more I immerse myself in whatever I experience 'time' ceases to be part of it. Experiencing, although the verb suggests an element of time, just happens, it doesn't need 'time' for it to happen, it just is. However, as soon as this way of experiencing is not 'maintained' and experiencing starts looking at 'itself', this results in a split, dividing again into experiencer, experienced and experiencing and thereby creates 'I' and 'you', 'me' and the 'world', 'inside' and 'outside'. And also 'time'. As if 'time' is needed to keep the separation going, or, put the other way around, as if separation is needed to keep time going, in a way reinforcing each other.
Scary, as long as I struggle to reconcile what I tried to describe above with arguments like “but we can measure time, or, to stay with the example of Christchurch, I remember what the cathedral looked like in January 2011, and photos 'prove' that it was there, so my memory of it is 'right'. You'll go mad if you let this in.” However, I sit here, not engaging with the argument – and nothing terrible seems to be happening! This is new, somehow beyond right and wrong, as if there is no need to deny the 'me and the rest of the world' and no need to assert 'experience outside of time'. I'm at the edge of what I can say, if not slightly over it. I'll leave it here.
How did I get the Ana identity?
Thank you, Shell, for your reply how to approach this. I intend to keep it short, of course there's much I could write, but in a way there might be no need for you to know all the details, so I'll leave it up to you two to ask where needed. I'll start with what, I think, is my first memory, but then try and list events that shaped me in form of bullet points. So here goes
* first memory: I was definitely under 4 as we moved house then, but my memory suggests I was 3, maybe even younger. For some reason I was outside the house on the opposite side of the street and nearly got run over by a car while trying to cross it. I froze and squatted and the car stopped right in front of me. Next thing I remember is that I was inside the house, my parents and the driver looking at me, making me lie down on the sofa and 'rest' whereas I just wanted to get up again and play...
* happy childhood, feels pleasant overall; parents being quite consistent in what we were allowed and what not, they sometimes punished us with a hiding. Though I always felt loved by my parents. I've got three elder brothers.
* loved primary school, sports, playing and sometimes wrestling in the schoolyard (I remember myself as second strongest kid)
* learnt to play table tennis at the age of 10, soon started to play competitions with varying success
* at the age of 10 or 11 first sexual encounter with my brother, lasted 1-2 years; a secret I only shared with friends in my early twenties; felt very very embarrassed at first, though feel 'through with it' now
* around the same time became self-aware of my face blushing very easily, got teased about this from school and club mates; being asked to read aloud in the classroom reinforced the embarrassment
* interested in boys early on, many boyfriends, most of my adult life in relationships, up to today
* with 19 bought and started riding a motorbike after the split up with my first more serious love (he had the same bike …), kept biking for good ten years
* studied pharmacy (on suggestion of my aunt, I didn't know what to do after school) and became a pharmacist. Ended up in a big hospital pharmacy cum school for pharmaceutical technicians, though challenging, I loved it and felt appreciated, my boss put a lot of trust in me, more than I did myself
* with 30 went to my first meditation class at fwbo/triratna, got interested in Buddhism a year later and asked for ordination the year after. Entered the order in 2000. Left my job with 33 and have worked and lived in the context of this movement since, of which I spent most of the past 8 years abroad (during my time in the Spanish mountains I took on the name Ana for the sake of convenience)
I'll leave it here, it's an interesting process to write this down. There's so many details one could write about or leave aside. Sometimes a voice seemed to be telling me 'this is important, you need to mention this' or feeling anxious that things might get misunderstood. Ah well, selfing at work. Over to you.
Much love
Ana
