I is burning

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

Oh Joseph, :)
Right here, right now, what's your felt evidence for an inner "Joseph" running the show?

Mmmmm. That I can remember my past, and create a mental image of me and my story. That I can imagine myself in the future and make plans to feel more secure -or fear that I'm not prepared enough. That it is tradittionaly assumed and supported by society, family and media. All of that is more memory and unquestioned assumptions. And last but not least, that all that I experience seems to be perceived from a single point of attention: as if sight, smell, hearing, proprioception... comes to "me" through a funnel that is this body. And that's... interesting.

Yep.

That "me" ... is not dependant on memory. But watches it. It is not "Joseph", doesn't have a name. That is clear. I don't know if it has any attributes. It's like a singularity, in the sense that I can't say anything about it because I'm watching from there, so the question doesn't even make sense. It's just a point of attention.

What's the difference between "me" and what watches it? Can you describe your terms some more.

Ok so... is all "I" can ever do "watching"?? because maybe then whatever I seem to do or decide must be a kind of conditioning, and my only power then is where is my attention on, and realize where I'm not but I thought I was. Like a cleansing or something.

Check out if the power of attention is under "your" control, or whether it just happens. Just glance at anything and try to find the point where you could stop of "your own choice". :)

Wait a minute, so the brain has this biological programming, the reactions to survival, the appetites, and the emotions, the language, the stories, layers of complexity and interaction... the senses are the input of the body, and then all of that is linked to the glands and muscles, that would be the output... i can see how it's possible that the body just be going by itself... just rules of nature, like everything else, I don't decide who I really am, the sense of self arises from the biological structure, as a subtle entity made of "software". The "Me" with a story is a program, a naturally programmed mind by the culture that we are all creating at this very moment. And we are all in the same position! My real "I" or your real "I" is the same! We are all the same origin of a point of attention! It's like a mandala made of attention, and an infinite mirror ever reflecting itself, trying to see itself through all the contrasts. Oh my god, and I am that which cannot be seen. We all are! And I fool myself into identifying myself with what I watch... But I CAN see myself in everything, because in a sense it's all me. But.. but... I don't... .WTF

It's turning into an DVD from the Matrix. LOL :)

There's the question: who am I? And the question: what am I?

Hold these two questions, once each in hand, and explore them, let them be your pointers for a while.

With best wishes,
John

[Noreferencesanymore]

It's turning into an DVD from the Matrix. LOL :)

Ok, I'm really passionate about sciencefiction since ever I admit it. :)

Check out if the power of attention is under "your" control, or whether it just happens. Just glance at anything and try to find the point where you could stop of "your own choice". :)

Well, feels like a trick question. If I can't choose to focus the attention does this enquiry makes sense?

There's the question: who am I? And the question: what am I?

Hold these two questions, once each in hand, and explore them, let them be your pointers for a while.

Ok. I'm going to put my attention on those questions for a while. Or at least believing that I'm doing that. :P I'll let you know.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

It's turning into an DVD from the Matrix. LOL :)

Ok, I'm really passionate about sciencefiction since ever I admit it. :)

Knew it. :)

Check out if the power of attention is under "your" control, or whether it just happens. Just glance at anything and try to find the point where you could stop of "your own choice". :)

Well, feels like a trick question. If I can't choose to focus the attention does this enquiry makes sense?

Relax, all my questions are trick questions. :) Not really.

Well can you choose to focus the attention or not? And don't just answer from the mind, check it out for sure.

There's the question: who am I? And the question: what am I?

Hold these two questions, once each in hand, and explore them, let them be your pointers for a while.

Ok. I'm going to put my attention on those questions for a while. Or at least believing that I'm doing that. :P I'll let you know.

Yes, believing is a great story, but hey, it's all we got. :) Seriously though, yes, explore these two questions, one in each hand - who am I? and what am I?

Check it out...let them in. Not that you have a choice. LOL :)

Speak soon,
John

[Noreferencesanymore]

Ok.

When I focus on the question of who I am I have to become very quiet. I listen, I look, and can't find anything except what happens in the moment. Suddenly I'm very aware of very far noises and subtle sensations. It feels like my being relaxes, but also there is like a stream of energy that floods body and mind and just does its thing. It's like a heat. At first I thought it was anxiety but... it feels more like a massage that I'm not doing. I who is not doing? who I am or what I am? I look and... I who is looking? ... mmm. Ok... So the looking happens, because something is happening, or nothing would ever exist for me. And I can see the question. Who I am? And I seem to be looking. Looking for me. There is a looking... and there is a "storage" in memory of what the looking sees. And that memory is the "me", the "me" who thinks it's looking. Is that what you are helping me to see? That I am not that one? So who I am? Now I ask that and feels different. Like a sudden fear of not existing. Again who I am? Am I the one who feels fear or is just the fear? Who I am? :) I am starting to loose interest on who I am... lol. Who is loosing interest? There is a feeling, I'm finding who I am not. Who finds? Am I the one who finds? Or there is just finding... and who I Am? I am.. but... do I am? Well.. something is... and that's undeniable. What is... I can't know. Who can't know? Who I am?

Does this ever ends? lol I can't see nothing except what is happening. And I am not happening, I can't see me, because everthing ends being anything else but me. But I am. Who? I am. But who? I am not what I see. I am not what I remember. There is a remembering, there is a seeing, there is an identification. There is a sense of I am. And there is a fucking very confusing language that has I as the center of everything :D. And there is a point of attention. Is that the same as I am? Who I am? I am. I am not this. I am not that. What I am? I am is. :D Is this another movie? I is missing and can't be found.

So the consequences are that I can't find me, except by being deluded? I only exist if I've not looked and saw that I don't? So.. from now on it's all impersonal? Who's raining? Who is matter? who is space? Who I am?

Is that it? :D

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

Thank you for exploring this...let's focus on a few elements (see bits in BOLD):

Ok.

When I focus on the question of who I am I have to become very quiet. I listen, I look, and can't find anything except what happens in the moment. Suddenly I'm very aware of very far noises and subtle sensations. It feels like my being relaxes, but also there is like a stream of energy that floods body and mind and just does its thing. It's like a heat. At first I thought it was anxiety but... it feels more like a massage that I'm not doing. I who is not doing? who I am or what I am? I look and... I who is looking? ... mmm. Ok... So the looking happens, because something is happening, or nothing would ever exist for me. And I can see the question. Who I am? And I seem to be looking. Looking for me. There is a looking... and there is a "storage" in memory of what the looking sees. And that memory is the "me", the "me" who thinks it's looking. Is that what you are helping me to see? That I am not that one? So who I am? Now I ask that and feels different. Like a sudden fear of not existing. Again who I am? Am I the one who feels fear or is just the fear? Who I am? :) I am starting to loose interest on who I am... lol. Who is loosing interest? There is a feeling, I'm finding who I am not. Who finds? Am I the one who finds? Or there is just finding... and who I Am? I am.. but... do I am? Well.. something is... and that's undeniable. What is... I can't know. Who can't know? Who I am?

Losing interest in who I am. Just like Winnie the Pooh, when he went looking for Piglet, "And the more he looked, the more Piglet wasn't there."

As you've found, "Who am I?" leads nowhere. There is no "I", "Joseph". Never was, is or will be. Complete fiction. A handy construct for a time - but hey, we all move on. :)

This whole, "Oh shit, I don't exist" reaction is common, but given that "Joseph" or "John" never existed in the first place it's a bit over-dramatic. hehe :)

And yet, there is this body (grab your thigh and squeeze, just to check) :) This human being, for want of a label, with beautiful intelligence. Everyone calls this body "Joseph" who recognise the features. Which is nice.

And yet, this inner-"Joseph" is not in the building, the one who apparently chooses, thinks, does, looks.

So where does that leave us?

What am I?

Does this ever ends? lol I can't see nothing except what is happening. And I am not happening, I can't see me, because everthing ends being anything else but me. But I am. Who? I am. But who? I am not what I see. I am not what I remember. There is a remembering, there is a seeing, there is an identification. There is a sense of I am. And there is a fucking very confusing language that has I as the center of everything :D. And there is a point of attention. Is that the same as I am? Who I am? I am. I am not this. I am not that. What I am? I am is. :D Is this another movie? I is missing and can't be found.

Yes, a fictional "I" at the centre of everything. Funny huh?

So the consequences are that I can't find me, except by being deluded? I only exist if I've not looked and saw that I don't? So.. from now on it's all impersonal? Who's raining? Who is matter? who is space? Who I am?

Is that it? :D

So, no "I", no "Joseph" in the building. No-one to choose, control, own, think or speak.

How are you with that? :D

Speak soon,
John

[Noreferencesanymore]

I'm quite well. I feel easy to be at rest because I realize that it's easier not to give a damn about needing any protection against any thought or any feeling that happens. When a resistance comes, or a fear makes appearance I can ask the question who is resisting? who is fearing? and not finding me there. So I can have the attention fully with whatever it's happening and not hide my identity in the imagination, not more unquestioned loyalty to a memory if I'm not there.

This last couple of days I'm dreaming very much at night. And a couple ot times I had a dream where I felt so much fear flooding all my body. And I could watch it completely. I accepted it and it felt like a loud flood of fear, but I was not tense, not resisting, and soon it was gone. That is significant for me, like going hand with hand with what my experience is becoming during the day.

Me. Funny word now.

I can see a tendency that arises to say I want to check this more. That I want to be sure this is not a momentary thing. But I can see that I'm not there either, anytime I can check I'm not there. lol. It's like it doesn't matter in a way what comes. It's like a lack of need to avoid reality. And what is reality? Just looking and seeing what is there and what is not. The fear of looking arises in order to protect my identity. But I'm not there. :)

I can see life is a play of energies. Now life takes care of the rest. Thank you John. This is a beautiful way to play. Just play. And no one is playing. :) Total honesty in playing if I don't exist.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

I'm quite well. I feel easy to be at rest because I realize that it's easier not to give a damn about needing any protection against any thought or any feeling that happens. When a resistance comes, or a fear makes appearance I can ask the question who is resisting? who is fearing? and not finding me there. So I can have the attention fully with whatever it's happening and not hide my identity in the imagination, not more unquestioned loyalty to a memory if I'm not there.

This last couple of days I'm dreaming very much at night. And a couple ot times I had a dream where I felt so much fear flooding all my body. And I could watch it completely. I accepted it and it felt like a loud flood of fear, but I was not tense, not resisting, and soon it was gone. That is significant for me, like going hand with hand with what my experience is becoming during the day.

Me. Funny word now.

I can see a tendency that arises to say I want to check this more. That I want to be sure this is not a momentary thing. But I can see that I'm not there either, anytime I can check I'm not there. lol. It's like it doesn't matter in a way what comes. It's like a lack of need to avoid reality. And what is reality? Just looking and seeing what is there and what is not. The fear of looking arises in order to protect my identity. But I'm not there. :)

I can see life is a play of energies. Now life takes care of the rest. Thank you John. This is a beautiful way to play. Just play. And no one is playing. :) Total honesty in playing if I don't exist.

You write about it beautifully. :) Lifts my heart to read it.

That deep relaxation, out-of-nowhere, unforced, with nothing to fight against life any more - is like, aahhhhhhh. :)

And the "I", bless it, with it's shoulds and musts about how reality "ought to be". LOL :)

The difference between...

Joseph is walking...and...walking is happening.
Joseph is thinking...and...thinking is happening.
Joseph is speaking...and...speaking is happening.
Joseph is eating...and...eating is happening.

Life is so beautiful and effortless now the pretense of "we" is seen through.

Continue to enjoy, play and explore.

Speak soon,
John

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

Also, nothing matters in the sense that everything is equal - so everything matters too.

:D

See you soon,
John

[Noreferencesanymore]

Hi John,

You write about it beautifully. :) Lifts my heart to read it.

That deep relaxation, out-of-nowhere, unforced, with nothing to fight against life any more - is like, aahhhhhhh. :)

Lifts my heart to feel this way :)

Also, nothing matters in the sense that everything is equal - so everything matters too.

Yes, yes.

It's like what it's here matters immensely, because the looking of what is makes it so. But not matter in the sense of attached to the outcome. But in recognizing it is happening. I may not know what to do with it, but I'm not the one who must, if something must be done it will be done even through me, and there's a trusting in that, because I can't find me and things are done. Doubts are also disappearing, because doubts only can hang on me. But they are not replaced by certainties either, it's only that I look who is doubting or is certain. So what is left after having seen I'm not there, can speak. Memories also come and play scenes of the past. I see them without the heavy load of "I must make sure that doesn't happen again" or "that shouldn't have happened". With each living example it becomes more obvious :)

Also nothing big has changed since yesterday. Just the easiness. If I have to describe it it's like a noticeable lack of effort in supporting the identity. But I could put effort in identity if I want to play. Because there is an effortlessness even in putting effort. It's like there's no identity in the identity even. Lol. But a part of me wants to rest and not explore the effort too much just yet. A noticing that I'm not here is starting to become a spacious background. No matter the experience. Although I wonder what would happen to the attention if a lion was jumping to eat my body. Who wonders? :P Less doubts too when expressing, a recognition reveals the way. And the way... is what is revealing itself without me.

So let's see what comes up these days. Today I expect the conditioning to arise again in a social situation. There is enjoyment about that. Looking for WHO is conditioned shall reveal who isn't. :)

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

Yes. Just have a play for a couple of days and check back in then.

Have fun! :D

With warm wishes,
John

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

What's showing up?

Best wishes,
John

[Noreferencesanymore]

Hi John, four days have passed.

Well, a lot of things have gone along. In a way I experienced deeper abysses and higher peaks, but that didn't cloud the knowing that I'm not the one doing or suffering anything for long. Yesterday was "one of those days", you know. Big black shadows storming the emotions and the psyche. Difficulties and defensiveness were experienced. And I was there watching, it was one of the easiest worst days I remember having. Despite all the intensity and personal frustration it was very empty of me. Not fully empty of course, there was a perceptible increase in personal identification, but very little drama and very few thoughts. A day full of contradictions it was, very ridiculous to watch all the difficulty experienced and knowing it was all imaginary. I feel since I can be less resisting now the cleansing can reach deeper places. And so it does.

Today I continue feeling things in my body that are still not accepted fully. Now I understand something is getting used to feel anything really without reacting to it. I feel there are dormant volcanoes and glaziers that are doing their thing until they are watched. And I trust this process, although it hasn't captured my whole attention yet. But I don't wanna force the rhythm of anything. I'm just watching everything unfold. Like I have a choice. :D

Thank you for your company and kind care John. Please feel free to comment on anything if you want.
Best wishes.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Joseph,

Really nice to hear from you.

Hi John, four days have passed.

Well, a lot of things have gone along. In a way I experienced deeper abysses and higher peaks, but that didn't cloud the knowing that I'm not the one doing or suffering anything for long. Yesterday was "one of those days", you know. Big black shadows storming the emotions and the psyche. Difficulties and defensiveness were experienced. And I was there watching, it was one of the easiest worst days I remember having. Despite all the intensity and personal frustration it was very empty of me. Not fully empty of course, there was a perceptible increase in personal identification, but very little drama and very few thoughts. A day full of contradictions it was, very ridiculous to watch all the difficulty experienced and knowing it was all imaginary. I feel since I can be less resisting now the cleansing can reach deeper places. And so it does.

Yes, there is this transition where the conditioning is still operating and wondering why it's not being fuelled by a reaction from the "self". :) So, great to see you're watching the folly unfold.

Today I continue feeling things in my body that are still not accepted fully. Now I understand something is getting used to feel anything really without reacting to it. I feel there are dormant volcanoes and glaziers that are doing their thing until they are watched. And I trust this process, although it hasn't captured my whole attention yet. But I don't wanna force the rhythm of anything. I'm just watching everything unfold. Like I have a choice. :D

Wonderful, yes, trusting the process, trusting the awareness of it, letting it unfold, at it's own pace - just like breathing unfolds at it's own pace. Just LIFE breathing through.

Thank you for your company and kind care John. Please feel free to comment on anything if you want.
Best wishes.

It's a joy to be with you as we walk along together. :)

Maybe have some moments where you just sit and settle with this, maybe 10 or so mins, just sitting with it.

Speak soon,
John

[s-p-a-c-e]

LU calling Joseph...come in Joseph. :)

How's things?

John

[Noreferencesanymore]

Hi John!

Things are good I suppose :). Lately I very much enjoy to be contemplative, and like to talk the minimum I can. Words appear to me as too brute, even words in thought form. I like to feel the energy inside that keeps doing its thing, very subtle, and less and less Joseph claims authorship for what is being perceived. It's funny to watch how the imaginary walls that kept me from smiling are falling in slow motion. That's a thing I can tell you.

So, how do we do now from now on? Do I keep posting every couple of days or what do you propose?

Thank you John