Looking for a guide.

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Just notice and enjoy this "you" looking out at the palm. Notice where the "you" that looks out seems to reside. Notice any sense-of-self, sense-of-you. Do that for a few minutes.

When I first did it, I initially felt that sense-of-me was coming from my eyes, my brain. That’s where my first thought goes to when I think about the location of the sense of me.

Then, a memory came up, of me looking at my hands in sort of this way as a small child (maybe between 3 and 5 years old). I would look at them and really examine them. I have a mole on my left thumb and I remember really checking it out as a kid. My memory of the awareness I had then seems more like just an observing and less of a me-ing. It's like I can almost remember how it felt before all the layers of me got added on. Before I went to school and was taught that we are our brain, our eyes, our senses. When I think of the awareness at that time, it seems much less “me” and more just awareness, observation, watching.

[As a side note, it makes me realize how much “me” has been added on over the years. When I was 3, 4 whatever, there was much less that was “me.” No job, no career, no husband. That’s all just been added on over time and added into the category of me/mine/I.]

Wonderful observing. Nice work Jamie.

Rather than "you looking out", isn't it the case that the eye is merely receiving reflected light bouncing of the palm?

Yes, it is true that instead of “me looking out” that it is light reflecting off the palm into the eyes.

After I sat and reflected on receiving versus looking out, I got up and was walking, trying to keep this in mind. As I walked past a young man, his powerful cologne “came at me” and I had a realization. I didn’t smell his cologne. Smelling happened. Nothing to do with me. Normally, I would have thought, I smelled his strong cologne. But in that moment, I realized the smell of his cologne happened to my (a) nose (I still want to say happened to my nose, although I realize this is still labeling it me, but…). I realized I didn’t do anything and since there’s no me for smelling to happen to, it just happened. Nothing else. This seems like a tiny opening of real understanding here.

Brilliant Jamie. We've come to the sign that says, "gate this way" * leaps into air * :)

Jamie, there's nothing to do here now but continue with the looking vs receiving exercise. Maybe start with the palm to get a handle on the two modes. Then look around the room or walk around outside - receiving, receiving, receiving light, sound and smells....

walking...receiving, receiving, receiving light, sound and smells.
eating...receiving, receiving, receiving light, sound and smells.
smiling...receiving, receiving, receiving light, sound and smells.

Have fun...and share what happened...especially to your nose! :) Love that!!!

With warmest wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

I noticed a sense of lightness as I got out of bed this morning. Later, the feeling turned back to depression and a lack of motivation to do the things I think I should be doing. Later, I had a chance to think more about the receiving exercise and did that as I was doing other activities. Heard some construction noises and thought, I’m not hearing them, the sound waves are traveling to my ears and my brain is processing them as specific sounds.

I read a few posts on the LU forum while I was at the gym and did more of the receiving exercise. After I was done working out, I was walking through the gym and realizing, everything around me is thoughts. All the stuff out there is thoughts too. But wait, is that true? I’m not quite sure. I guess in a way, but they are also flesh and bones and treadmills. That part still confuses me. But this “me” is definitely just thoughts. There is no me inside this brain/head/body. It’s literally just a human organism that is functioning like a human organism. And what’s happening is just noticing happening. That part I’m starting to feel more and more sure about.

I feel like I got to the top of the hill yesterday with the realization with my nose (which, ironically, has been the only part of my body that I’ve ever considering changing surgically, so it will be hilarious if it plays a large role in the awareness that pushed me over the edge! Ha!) Anyway, I don’t feel I’m not quite “there” yet, but I think a continuous opening is happening. No big epiphanies or clunks or pops. Just a steady, bit by bit awareness that this body is not me.
A few minutes after I wrote the above, I was walking and thinking. Looking at cars. How is a car different from a Jamie? There’s really a car and there’s really a Jamie. Here’s the difference. There’s the physical form of a car, but it doesn’t do anything without a driver. In and of itself, there is nothing but the physical form of a car. The same exact thing is true of Jamie, it just doesn’t seem like it because of all the labels we’ve put on ourselves. There is a unique body/organism that goes by the name Jamie. But there IS NO DRIVER of the Jamie I call me. We like to pretend like we are cars being driven. As though “I” have somehow been inserted into Jamie and am driving her. In reality, that which can be observed and seen, a human body can get into a car and drive. A human is a driver of the car. Is there an I that can be observed and seen to get into the Jamie-human and drive her/move her/control her? NO! Of course not. Hello…it’s so obvious.

Is this it? Is there more than that? It’s so obvious. It’s just the pretending that makes it not obvious. I think I’m kind of getting it, it’s just going to take a little time to let it sink in some more.

There’s definitely no relief or change in how I feel so far. Just a bit of a…really? Is that all? I know, I know. No expectations and all. Still, I thought it would feel a little different. However, I’m just going to let it be like this and see where I go from here. Perhaps I’m AT the gate but not quite through yet? ☺

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Is there an I that can be observed and seen to get into the Jamie-human and drive her/move her/control her? NO! Of course not. Hello…it’s so obvious.

Is this it? Is there more than that? It’s so obvious. It’s just the pretending that makes it not obvious. I think I’m kind of getting it, it’s just going to take a little time to let it sink in some more.

There’s definitely no relief or change in how I feel so far. Just a bit of a…really? Is that all? I know, I know. No expectations and all. Still, I thought it would feel a little different. However, I’m just going to let it be like this and see where I go from here. Perhaps I’m AT the gate but not quite through yet? ☺

Good work!

Every now and again, glance at your hand.

In that first instance, you'll notice it's not "your" hand. :)

Then you might go, "of course, it's my hand."

Then again, have a glance at your hand.

Notice that small moment...when the hand is just there, seen.

No ownership, no seer - pure ordinary mystery.

Play, notice what you notice, and share with me. :)

WIth warmest wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

Hi John,

Feeling some frustration with this one. There’s not really an instance (that I’m noticing) where it’s my hand or not my hand. It’s just hand. As soon as I think to glance at my hand, I’m already thinking about it, so, I don’t know. I’m not really noticing anything. Just a hand, or my hand, or whatever. Doesn’t seem to be really much to notice. Then I feel frustration because I’m thinking, what’s the point of this?

As I did it some more, I was trying to relax and not expect anything particular to happen. I suppose, the most I can say is that I am more than willing to believe it is not my hand, I don't believe it is my hand because I don't believe in my.

But, that doesn't really change my understanding or experience. I had the thought yesterday that I have the knowledge that there is no "I" but what I'm lacking thus far is true understanding or experience or whatever.

I am trying to relax into it and not let my thoughts and expectations of “how long is this going to take” get in the way of just LOOKING. But when I look at my hand, I’m like, yep. Hand. Ok. Now what?

So, yep. Now what? :)

Thank you, as always,
Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

There's no worries - I'm just testing as we go along.

There's nothing to solve here - we are just walking along together, talking, exploring, revealing. :)

As I did it some more, I was trying to relax and not expect anything particular to happen. I suppose, the most I can say is that I am more than willing to believe it is not my hand, I don't believe it is my hand because I don't believe in my.

But, that doesn't really change my understanding or experience. I had the thought yesterday that I have the knowledge that there is no "I" but what I'm lacking thus far is true understanding or experience or whatever.

I am trying to relax into it and not let my thoughts and expectations of “how long is this going to take” get in the way of just LOOKING. But when I look at my hand, I’m like, yep. Hand. Ok. Now what?

You mention about believing that it was not your hand.

Let's focus sharply on believing and the process of believing.

Let's take believing that it isn't "your" hand. (it could be any belief).

Really explore for yourself WHERE that belief is held. How do you know when to believe it?

What is a belief made of? Who's belief is it?

Is "who you are" a belief?

If so, who's belief is that?

Take your time, have some fun, we are in the opposite of a rush here :) - let's enjoy the journey Jamie - it's all we have!

With my warmest wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

Hi John,

So first of all, I had some thoughts about my rush to get this done. What I realized is that the thought running behind the scenes has been, “First, I’ll get this seeing thing accomplished. Then I’ll deal with life.” But then I remember what you said when I said I wanted to be in the flow and you said it didn’t matter if I wanted it. I’m in it, whether I want it or not. Which made me realize, it’s like I’m trying to dam a river with my bare hands. Totally impossible and destined to fail. It’s out of my control and not possible to stop life from happening as it is. The more I try to resist life, the more I suffer. So I guess it’s going to have to be that I continue to go with the flow of this life until the veil is lifted to the truth of no I. Ha! As if I have a choice. However, I do have a choice about whether to go with it or fight it. From this perspective, perhaps it will be a little easier to have fun and just go with what happens. “Jamie” is quite serious when she sets her mind to something and is mostly just interested in checking it off her to do list and getting on to the next thing! ☺

You mention about believing that it was not your hand. Let's focus sharply on believing and the process of believing. Let's take believing that it isn't "your" hand. (it could be any belief). Really explore for yourself WHERE that belief is held. How do you know when to believe it? What is a belief made of? Who's belief is it? Is "who you are" a belief? If so, who's belief is that?

Okay, the belief that it’s not my hand isn’t held anywhere. It’s a thought and thoughts aren’t held. A belief is a thought that passes through awareness. I don’t know how I know when to believe it. I guess it’s like the mind (I?) decides what it believes in and clings to it. Then it’s “my belief.” But really it was just a thought and then there was a choice (by whom/what, if there is no I? Awareness?) to attach to the thought as “mine.” Yes, who I am is a belief. And so if a belief is just a thought that passes through awareness, then “I” is just a thought that passes through awareness. Weird! I=belief=thought=nothing. And I’m clinging to it. Boy am I ever!

I had a vision sometime before starting this thread that my body was being pinned down by a huge boulder. And yet, it wasn’t that I was trapped. I was clinging on to that huge boulder by choice. Today, that idea evolved and I thought, it’s more like a helium balloon that I think is holding me down, but really, I could let go and it would just float away. Nothing to it. Simple but not necessarily easy, as they say. ☺

Now, if I am just a belief, then whose belief is that? That’s the real question that has been stumping me. ACIM talks a lot about ego, but I’ve read Ilona/Elena say the ego never existed either, which actually I believe ACIM would also agree with. But without this direct questioning, I still thought of the ego as something separate. So a few weeks ago, I would have said the ego believes in the thought of an I. But if the ego is also just a thought (yep) then I’m back to the same place. Which is that it must be this awareness chose to attach itself to a thought. Awareness learned to believe what everyone was telling it? That this perspective on the world that is unique to Jamie (the thoughts, feelings, body) is what is supposed to be called me. And then it made this choice and then just forgot?

I know there is in reality no separate ego, but it does seem like our mind is split. It’s like there’s this part that’s fighting to stay separate and the part that says, let’s go home!

Oh my goodness. Some clarity, some confusion is where I’m left. ☺

Thanks ever so much,
Jamie

[Jamie2012]

Hi John,

I had some more thoughts since last night and I wanted to share them, since I feel I'm in a bit different place since I last wrote. Two really longs posts in a row. Hope you brought popcorn. :)

Really dropping into the not trying to rush it or “do” anything to “make” it happen. Starting to dawn on me that it’s not anything I’m going to do. It’s going to just be really seeing that there is no I and then I will just be sensing, experiencing and eventually really “getting” that there is no I.

In the mean time, will keep on trying to balance trying and not trying. Meaning, keeping at it, continuing to look, sense, really see. But not having a sense of making it happen. Nothing to make happen. More of a letting go I think it will be. A dropping away of beliefs (thoughts) instead of an adding on of something. There’s nothing to add on. Only something to drop away. That attachment to self. Feeling a sense of – it will just happen as I continue to look. The struggle will keep me away from it. It’s all more drama of the mind, the forcing, trying, doing, controlling (all thoughts, not really doing anything in reality).

A few weeks ago, I was feeling MORE peaceful than I have in the past few weeks since I started this. I realized, I’m struggling so much to see, and I think that I was actually more clear in some ways before this. Or maybe really looking for the I stirred it all up and things are now starting to settle. Hoping that the part of the mind that is attached to “thoughts of I” is starting to realize that I mean business.

I’ve noticed that the fear has been gone for awhile. It was really present most especially before I joined the forum. Hasn’t been here for several days though. Then it was mostly anger and frustration and struggle and confusion. All I’ve felt has reminded me of the 5 stages of grief. I do think I’ve been grieving the belief in “I” in some ways.

A loosening of chains is being felt a bit. Also, groundedness maybe? Almost feels like a heaviness.

There is anxiety about getting started with a new client today. But a subtle bit of non-attachment to the anxiety. It just is there. Nothing really going on. Just a feeling. Don’t need to add an I to it. But it is there. No denying the feeling. No need to really. “I” wants to deny it. Make it go away. The other part says…look…anxiety. That’s all.

A feeling of “I think I’m getting it” and then, a sense of feeling special. Look at me! I’m getting it! Knowing this is just thoughts of I, wanting to get in there and take control of the experience, take ownership of it. Just thoughts. Just thoughts.

Wanting to just sit with this for awhile, but needing to prepare for this new client. Don’t want this sense of letting go to go away. Wanting to reflect on it and experience it and write about it more. Was going to say I’ll try to bring it with me into this task, but that feels like grasping. Will observe and see if it will come along for the task at hand and reflect on it again after.

Just a journey. Just some steps.

Still the thoughts of “I”…look…I’m getting it quickly, like I thought I would. Doesn’t matter. Not a bit. Wondering, will it take some time once “I’m” through, to adjust to a new way of being in the world? Suppose that’s what is meant when it’s said that people often need/wnat aftercare, to help adjust to the newness.

Hmmm…feeling bits of peace and joy maybe. Not sure what. Doesn’t matter, really. Just being. Here. Now. Watching.

Part of me is saying, you are just regurgitating what you’ve read again! You’re cheating. But another part of me is just at ease. Settling. Resting and watching.

Thanks for reading!
Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Love popcorn. :D

As you're finding, It's not that you're getting it, or it gets you, because "you" ain't there.

There were some lovely examples there where it's glimpsed. Say, the anxiety that came up, and with the "I" involved it's a BIG DEAL but that sense of looking at it, smiling and going, "Hey, anxiety, well I never" LOL :) Because there isn't anyone having it, it's unattached, "Jamie" is not in the building.

And, from time to time, the conditioning kicks in, but it's ok, it's seen and it comes and goes, no "I", no biggie, no different than an ant carrying a breadcrumb, a dollop of ice cream, tripping over a pavement or a leaf springing back as a fly leaps off.

Another breath, another moment, so precious, to be immersed in the mystery of life. We can smile and not have a clue and yet, there's a knowing, because in being immersed, we are part of the fabric - and there's no we, no "I" to be a part of the fabric. It just bloody IS.

Here endeth the sermon. Can you tell it's late. :)

With warmest wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

Hi John!

Thanks for your feedback. :)

I’ve found myself very busy and not focused as much on this whole looking process for the past 24 hours or so. As I have moments when I’m not busy, I’ll notice that I’m not noticing. But I'm just kind of hanging out to see what’s next. Trying to not to worry (because the thought does occur) that I’m going to “forget” again. I don’t really think that’s possible, but the thought does come up.

I guess I’m wondering right now, is this too settled? I don’t want to have come this far and then not go all the way through the gate. I do want to “really” see. I feel more relaxed and not that sense of urgency/frustration that I had a few days ago, which feels more right than to be really forceful and make something happen that I can't force. But I feel like the pendulum is sort of swinging the other direction and I don’t want to get apathetic about the process either.

What’s the next step? I’m willing to have a little gentle push.

Thanks!
Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Let's nail the "I" to the mast once and for all.

The "I" is an assumption. There's a thought (for example) and we assume it's "I thought". There's an act, and we assume it's "I acted". There's speaking, and we assume it's "I spoke".

This is all assumption and complete and utter fiction - it's only existence lies in our consent to live by this assumption.

Your job is to:

1. See this assumption for what it is.
2. Withdraw your consent to believe in it.

Take a thought - for example, pick a number from 1 to 10.

Do this as many time as it takes for you to see that:

a. You have no idea what number is picked.
b. The thought has no owner.

Look in vain for the thinker.

Share what you find or don't find.

With thanks,
John

[Jamie2012]

Thank you, so much John! I will give this some thought when I have some time.

For today, I am going to play, ride bikes, and have fun in the sun.

Hope you are having a beautiful weekend! :)

Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Thank you, so much John! I will give this some thought when I have some time.

For today, I am going to play, ride bikes, and have fun in the sun.

Hope you are having a beautiful weekend! :)

Jamie

WONDERFUL! :D Yes, beautiful here today.

Catch up soon,
John

[Jamie2012]

Hi John,

Before getting your last message on Friday, I did have some moments of clarity when I was at the gym. I would get lost in my thoughts and do some things automatically, like get off the elliptical trainer, walk to the mat. Then I thought, hey, I, did you do that? There’s a clear “no” answer in my mind. A few minutes later, I would do something else unconsciously, then again would say, hey, I, do you think you did that? Nope. The part of my mind that thinks it’s me is willing to admit that it’s not doing anything. For sure.

Then, when trying your exercise with choosing a number, I see clearly that the number just comes to mind, out of nowhere, from nothing. I fully agree that there is no owner that chose the number. There is no thinker. None at all! It’s just happening. Just like moving from one place to the other in the gym just happened. There is noone controlling that action.

Yesterday, I was out and about with friends at a bike festival. There was no conscious thinking about this "seeing no-self" process at all. Is that normal to get caught up in other things and forget about this completely for some time? Does there come a time when you are always sort of aware of it because there’s a different way of seeing in general?

Still feeling a bit of, when's this gonna happen? As in, I'm ready. But not stressing or pushing. I know it will happen when it happens and I'm thinking by relaxing into it and just going with the flow can only help, unlike struggling to "make" something happen.

All the best,
Jamie

[s-p-a-c-e]

Hi Jamie,

Then, when trying your exercise with choosing a number, I see clearly that the number just comes to mind, out of nowhere, from nothing. I fully agree that there is no owner that chose the number. There is no thinker. None at all! It’s just happening. Just like moving from one place to the other in the gym just happened. There is noone controlling that action.

That's IT - it's just happening.

So read this sentence and as you do, read it slowly, and question, really question, whether readerless reading is happening OR whether there is a fictional "Jamie" inside reading it - which is you. There really are just two possibilities here and even if there was a choice, who would choose? "Jamie"?

Really explore this deeply, search in vain for this "Jamie" and notice what's there when "Jamie" is not.

With my best wishes,
John

[Jamie2012]

I really believe that readerless reading is happneing, not a Jamie inside me reading it. It makes no logical sense, after looking at this over the past few weeks, that there’s a me doing/controlling all this. And when there isn’t a Jamie? I don’t really quite know. I think it’s just awareness, watching. As I’ve been saying. But I don’t necessarily see a difference. In some ways, I feel like I’m saying the exact same things I said when we started, although I’ve had a few insights and small shifts I suppose.

However, it’s still all knowledge and not a shift in experience. I am WILLING to believe that all this is true – that there is not fictional I. I certainly can’t find one. It makes sense. But it’s not changing anything.

I feel stuck. Truly. I know there is no rush, however, I don’t want to hang out here either! I partly think I’m continuing to just give the “right” answers. And I have this sneaking suspicion that when I’m asked to really look, I’m not taking enough time or the questions are ones I’ve heard and already know how I should answer. Not that I’m answering dishonestly. I believe what I’m saying, I believe it to be true. But I think I’m just rushing into finding “the answer” which is preventing me from making the final step.

100% honesty. :)