Are you afraid?

[leo17]

Its feels wrong to say I am awareness. I am not awareness, am I? I am aware of this awareness. What is focusing? What is attention? There is something behind that which is focusing? But I feel like I am the focuser. It is really hard to see that I am not the one focusing, and I am not in control of the one focusing, or am I?

I think I am getting close to seeing the space behind it all. But "I'm" not there yet. Still some identification left. If Leo wants to stop typing, I feel like I am consciously making that choice, so in that sense, how am "I" not in control?

Another example, I have been told that life is abundant and will provide, all I have to do is let it all go. Well when I do that I find myself unemployed with nothing to eat. Not living abundantly, do you know what I mean?

[Rikki]

Its feels wrong to say I am awareness. I am not awareness, am I? I am aware of this awareness. What is focusing? What is attention? There is something behind that which is focusing? But I feel like I am the focuser. It is really hard to see that I am not the one focusing, and I am not in control of the one focusing, or am I?

See how your mind is trying to intellectualize this? Am I this, am I that?

There IS awareness, but it doesn't belong to anyone. There IS space, there IS a void in which it all happens, but it's not 'yours', it just is. Can you see this?

I think I am getting close to seeing the space behind it all. But "I'm" not there yet. Still some identification left. If Leo wants to stop typing, I feel like I am consciously making that choice, so in that sense, how am "I" not in control?

Look now, it's not about getting closer mate, it's either seeing or not seeing. It just takes a moment of pure focused honesty. That's it, no work towards it. It's just seeing something that's right in front of your eyes.

Another example, I have been told that life is abundant and will provide, all I have to do is let it all go. Well when I do that I find myself unemployed with nothing to eat. Not living abundantly, do you know what I mean?

But do you go completely with the flow?

Have you read the story of Eckhat Tolle and how he got a strong urge to go back home to British Columbia from England, and how when he go there his flow for writing came back.

He'd always just manage to survive, he won a little on the lottery, just enough to carry on, and keep writing. We can only really take the next step, we can't see the whole staircase. No one has any real idea what is actually good for us in the long run.

Even at the airport on the way home, he was still unsure as to why he was going home, but he felt the urge strongly, and trusted it. He needed to go back, for the flow of writing to return, and finish what came to be his huge hit 'The Power Of Now'.

I suffered with M.E for years, home schooled, panic attacks, very dark times. Now i'm stronger and fitter than ever, more friends than ever, having more fun than ever and feeling mega excited about life.

I'm free Leo, and you can be too.

I wouldn't have chosen the first part, it was HELL, but it catapulted me into liberation because I NEEDED to escape. And now i'm able to help others see this too.

So we never really know what's 'good' for us. Hang in there buddy..

[leo17]

I seem to be stuck in the mind... Its very frustrating. I try to intensely focus, and for a brief moment I think I see it, but then it goes away.

Still very much into the mind's stories and identifications. I want to see this so bad too. And its very weird because who is the one wanting to see this so bad? Its like my ego trying to eliminate my own ego. Not sure what is keeping me stuck... I don't know if I was ever on the right path or it was all intellect. Very confusing. How do "I" get out of this mind.

I guess all I can do is keep looking.

[Rikki]

I was once where you are, and I REALLY wanted enlightenment. Women love Buddha guys ;) just kidding....

What are you looking at Leo?

Before we get to looking into the void, let's look at the structure of the self that's believed to be who you are. What's that like?

Can you see it operating, thinking, reactionary actions appearing and taking over?

Is that really you?

[leo17]

I feel like I have gone backwards. Honestly there is a lot of confusion. I feel like there is a sheath that is preventing me from seeing the obvious-ness of it.

I see this character as a bundle of conditioning, thinking, feeling, reacting, etc, but it is still personal.

Let me ask you this: If you go out in public do you feel just as free then as you did when you were sitting at home in your living room?

I look, then thoughts start kicking in, feeling vibration in the body kicks in, and takes my attention away from actually looking. I conditioned myself to always be aware of whats going on in my body, kind of like in Vipassana meditation, and I'm not sure if that is getting in the way, or correct even.

One of my beliefs right now is that when I finally see the truth, my natural state will be allowed to slowly come forth, but for now its just another mental idea thats probably in the way.

I still get a few clear moments here and there where the perception feels like its shifting.

[Rikki]

Have you ever heard the phrase 'the map is not the territory'?

What this means is that there is reality, and YOUR PERCEPTION of reality. It's like your mind has created what it believes to be real, so instead of seeing things as they truly are, they get passed through this filter of belief and opinion.

It's so easy to fly off into another thought, get distracted. But keep your feet on the ground, and look at the actual reality of what you think.

Is it true?

I believe X and Y.

Ok, are they true? How do you know them to be true?

Work like this, don't drift off into thought. Plant your feet firmly in reality.

"One of my beliefs right now is that when I finally see the truth, my natural state will be allowed to slowly come forth, but for now its just another mental idea thats probably in the way."

See here, you've projected into the future. It's not what's current, what is happening right now. It's a THOUGHT about what it will be like. And that really isn't helping you mate. Question this thought, is it true?

[leo17]

Is seeing the non-duality in things the same as realizing there is no me?

Its like nothing has changed, other than the fact that my ego wants to always trying to align with this or that, and now, considering I am just seeing itself, there is nothing to align to other than just being. Its still hard to answer the question whether I exist or not. The only thing that believes I exist is the thought that I do. Feeling a little more spacious right now.... I can kind of see how there is no driver, yet I feel like if I completely surrender mentally my life would fall apart. There's a conflict going on.

I realize the Eckhart Tolle story, and that is kind of how I've been living my life for a while now, just kind of going with the flow of things

So there really is nothing to discover, its just not identifying with thought, and being in that empty spacious place. ? Residing in that place of trust and intuition?

[Rikki]

"I can kind of see how there is no driver, yet I feel like if I completely surrender mentally my life would fall apart. There's a conflict going on."

Conflict of what? Conflict of thought and reality? Hmmm....

You need to lay down what you think this is, and look at what it REALLY is. You're starting to look mate, and that's cool. But don't stop at 'i'm starting to see this, BUT...'

No buts ok?

Just looking at what is without judgement. Life is living through you, there's no controller. Everything is just happening. Life is living. Plants grow, your heart beats, rain falls, sun shines, it's all just happening without any need for a controller.

Your getting a little lost in thought and trying to understand them, to work this out intellectually. It's the looking, watching these thoughts, this ego, that will break your identification with them and get you to see that the self is an illusion...

[Rikki]

Hey, still awaiting reply for my post, what's happening for you?

[leo17]

Hey Rikki, thanks for caring for lack of a better word.

I am just kind of frustrated and confused. I seem to be intellectualizing everything, even when I think I'm not. Its hard for me to remain in the state of just 'looking' without believing in the interference of the mind.

[Rikki]

Let's strip this down completely to it's core parts, one question at a time.

Can you locate the self, the controller, the guy in the engine room? Can you say, 'this is it, this is me'?

(I know that's 2 questions but kinda the same ;))

Just that though ok, we'll break it down slowly..

[leo17]

Can you locate the self, the controller, the guy in the engine room? Can you say, 'this is it, this is me'?

No, I just hear a voice in my head that I call me.

[Rikki]

Ok, but is it really you, or do you assume it is? Did you ever check?

[leo17]

Ok, I checked and still can't locate the me. I know I'm not my thoughts, but I'm not sure who is thinking them, they just keep showing up. I still feel like I am my body, because how aren't I? I carry it around everywhere I go, wash it, play with it (that is up for your own interpretation), and own it. So how isn't it me?

[Rikki]

Hey man, really sorry with the late reply..

Ok, I checked and still can't locate the me.

Great start ;)

I know I'm not my thoughts, but I'm not sure who is thinking them, they just keep showing up.

Exactly, they're just happening, right? Well seen, and congrats for just looking and not getting lost in thought..

I still feel like I am my body, because how aren't I? I carry it around everywhere I go, wash it, play with it (that is up for your own interpretation), and own it. So how isn't it me?

Well it is, it exists, right? But why does it have to belong to you?

It's a mass of blood, muscle, skin, bone etc. When death comes it will rot away into nothing, so will it be yours then?

Look at it like you looked at the other things, is it yours, or do you THINK it is?