Running Home

[Emac1122]

Dear Becca,

Does a sensation of being automatically imply a separate self?

No, sensations don’t necessarily imply a separate self. It is how I’m labeling the sensations. When I feel contraction I think I’m labeling’ that feeling me’.

When the sensation of “me” arises, does a self arise?
Or does a sensation arise, followed by a thought that labels it “me”?

It seems to me that the sensation of ‘me’ is usually/always there and every once in a while it drops away. If it didn’t drop away, I don’t think I’d have any idea about the idea that maybe there isn’t actually an “I”. Usually I feel that I’m stuck in that small self. The other doesn’t occur that often and usually I feel like I have to make an effort.

The sensations in the head and the heart areas, what are they made of? Stay completely concrete.
Is it pressure?

More often in the head than the heart for sure. Contraction, tightness and usually a sense of wanting to protect or control comes up.

…where is the separate entity itself?

I can’t find a separate entity, just sensations and thoughts. Thoughts that someone has to be in control to make sure everything works out or everyone is safe.

The theme of safety and protection seems to come up for me alot.”I” have to control things so that everything is ik. Logically I know this is ridiculous, but when I look at that “I” thoughts of control to make sure everything works out or to protect myself or sometimes others comes up. I am

Erin

[graceabounds]

Hi Erin.

Good, there is no separate entity found yet so let’s look one layer deeper.

Thoughts that someone has to be in control to make sure everything works out or everyone is safe.

Yes ‘someone’… The question is WHO is the someone?

The next time the safety-controller shows up take a look for what this protector is protecting.

Not conceptually, but in immediate experience, what is under threat? Can you find an actual self that needs protection?

Contraction, tightness and usually a sense of wanting to protect or control comes up.

What happens if you focus on only the contraction and tightness without any story or meaning making about it at all? Can you say more about its qualities? Is it known only in the head?

[Emac1122]

The question is WHO is the someone?

The next time the safety-controller shows up take a look for what this protector is protecting.

Not conceptually, but in immediate experience, what is under threat? Can you find an actual self that needs protection?

Hi Becca,
I’ve really tried to look at this. What I see strongly is this idea of ‘me’. Sometimes it is my body, but really even that seems to be the idea of me. I’m then struggling with looking deeper than that. My brain wants to tell me nothing is there- a quick answer rather than a true realization. I try to stick with looking, but often I see nothing. I think I need to catch this more in the moment and look at it.

What happens if you focus on only the contraction and tightness without any story or meaning making about it at all? Can you say more about its qualities? Is it known only in the head?

I am having a difficult time labeling all the sensations. I do think that yes, it is kind of a story or labeling the feeling ‘me.’ When you ask if it’s only known in the head- I think you’re referring to the sensations- right? No I can also feel sensations in my heart area- very difficult to describe. I will also try to be more aware of the feelings and try to label them. I feel like these sensations come and go, like my thoughts and I’m often not really paying that much attention, but just have this kind of automatic process of thinking or labeling it ‘me.’

Thanks for your patience,
Erin

[graceabounds]

Hi Erin,
You’re doing the ‘right’ thing and looking.

What stands out most is this:

I try to stick with looking, but often I see nothing

When you say you see nothing, let’s be precise.

Do you mean:
1. You look for the self and literally cannot find anything that qualifies as a separate entity? or..
2. You look and there is a blankness, and then the mind concludes, “I must be missing something”?

Those are very different. Many people get stuck because they expect to find something dramatic. Instead, they look, find no owner, and then think this can’t be it! Well, why can’t it be?

No self is not a thing… so it can’t be found.

Don’t worry about labeling the sensations correctly. In fact, less labeling may be better. Just feel it directly.

Suppose there is a tight knot in the chest.
Without calling it “me,” what is actually there?
(Pressure? Movement? Warmth? Tension? Pulsing?)

Let the raw sensation be exactly what it is before thought names it. What happens when you explore in this way?

just have this kind of automatic process of thinking or labeling it ‘me.’

Great. Excellent. Now can you find the exact moment the sensation becomes “me”?

Is assigning ownership always only a thought appearing after the fact?

When the sensation called “me” disappears for a moment, does anything essential disappear with it?

[Emac1122]

Hi Becca,
Finally made it back home, so my responses should be more regular, though sometimes I need a day to try to answer the questions.

When you say you see nothing, let’s be precise.

Do you mean:
1. You look for the self and literally cannot find anything that qualifies as a separate entity? or..
2. You look and there is a blankness, and then the mind concludes, “I must be missing something”?

Sometimes 1 and sometimes 2. When I look for the self I don't see a separate entity and there is often this blankness. If I trigger a "me' by thinking about my body or by thinking about a time I was angry then that sense of I arises. When I'm not specifically looking there seems to be that "me' filter ever present, but when I try to actually find it, I don't find a separate self, but as I mentioned I often feel a contraction in my head and heart, generally it feels warm and dark. Sometimes it seems like there is a barrier there. If I'm upset or angry then I feel hot and locked in my head because of all the thoughts that race. If I try to look at "who" is upset, I don't see a separate entity, but again often just see this kind of blankness or even darkness and feel warm.

Is assigning ownership always only a thought appearing after the fact?

Yes I think it is. I feel the emotions or sensations then "I" say "I" feel angry or sad then there seems to be an attachment to that. If I drop the I I just experience the sadness or anger. In some ways I think this also drops the story.

When the sensation called “me” disappears for a moment, does anything essential disappear with it?

No, nothing essential disappears. In fact, in that case then there is just the feelings or sensations without the story. So right now, I'm sad as one of our friends is dying. If I drop the "I'm" sad I just feel the tightness and a lump in my chest. The experience is essential, nothing is lost. It is there with or without the label of 'me.'

Sincerely yours,
Erin

[graceabounds]

What you’ve just written is worth slowing down and really being with.

If I drop the "I'm" sad I just feel the tightness and a lump in my chest. The experience is essential, nothing is lost. It is there with or without the label of 'me.'

You are reporting something you have directly observed.

Sadness is present. Also tightness and a lump in the chest.
The experience remains.

Then a thought appears: “I am sad…” And immediately there is ownership, identity, and often a story…. and on and on.

But the sadness itself did not require an owner to exist!

When I'm not specifically looking there seems to be that "me' filter ever present, but when I try to actually find it, I don't find a separate self, but as I mentioned I often feel a contraction in my head and heart, generally it feels warm and dark

Excellent. Not a self. The “me” seems to function more like an interpretation of sensations than a thing. Like a lens applied to experience.


So when you look for I and there is blankness, is this a problem?

Suppose you look for a unicorn in your living room. You don’t find one.What remains?…

Just the room.

Likewise, when you look for the separate self and don’t find it, what remains?

Sadness.

Warmth.

Tightness.

Thoughts.

Sounds.

Breathing.

Life.



What is the evidence that something must be there?


For now, I would leave aside trying to prove that there is no self. That can become another mental project.
Instead, continue with the simplicity you’ve already discovered:

A feeling appears.

Before naming it, before claiming it, before explaining it…
What is actually here?

And when the thought “This is happening to me” appears, look gently:

Where is that “me”?

Not where it should be or where you’ve been told it is.
Where is it, in direct experience, right now?

Just keep looking with the same honesty. No need to force any conclusion. The investigation itself is already exposing something important.

I am sorry about your friend.

Much love,
Becca

[Emac1122]

Hi Becca,

So when you look for I and there is blankness, is this a problem?

I don't think it is a problem per say. When I look for the "I" and a blankness comes up I often think it is not "real" that it is my mind playing a trick on me, but the more I look I now think it is an experience that as you suggested above that "I must be missing something." I then have to try to generate the sensations that I identify as "me." I'm now thinking that the real trick is not seeing that the blankness is the experience.

Likewise, when you look for the separate self and don’t find it, what remains?

When I can't find the separate self, what remains is just experience, unfiltered. Emotions, touch, seeing, hearing without that 'Me' constantly interpreting or explaining.

What is the evidence that something must be there?

My mind is telling me that there must be something there, but really nothing other than specific sensations like contraction or feelings or warmth, nothing else when I look.

Not where it should be or where you’ve been told it is.
Where is it, in direct experience, right now?

I can't find it, no me - a separate entity; only feelings or thoughts or sensations and then the labeling.
How do I drop the label of me and just live the experience?

Thank you for the condolences.
Sincerely,
Erin

[graceabounds]

Emotions, touch, seeing, hearing without that 'Me' constantly interpreting or explaining

Is that explanation or interpretation a problem so long as the mechanism is seen as an automatic process and not ‘you’?

My mind is telling me that there must be something there, but really nothing other than specific sensations like contraction or feelings or warmth, nothing else when I look

Great.

What about these contractions or warm feelings says ‘I’? Where are they located?

How do I drop the label of me and just live the experience?

You already are.

But here is a little exercise to work with. Throughout the day, when a thought about "I" comes up, replace the letter!

"I want to have this" -> "O want to have this"
Can "O" want to have anything?
No.
How then could "I" want to have anything?

"I don't like that" -> "A don't like that"
Can "A" dislike anything?
No.
How come there is an idea that "I" can dislike anything?

Observe this throughout the day and report what comes up.