The Gate

Dear Elad,
Haven't written as been busy and travelling.

There was a day with what mind labels as 'sadness and fear': tears came, heaviness in the limbs, clenching in the solar plexus. It was allowed and felt. Labels came and went.

Identification appears to be loosening.

Observing the present, and the mind chatter. All is welcome.

Thank you for everything,
Tash

Sounds wholesome.

Identification appears to be loosening.

a) How so ?

b) And: Is there still a belief that there is a self ? If yes, how does this belief show up in direct experience here and now?

c) Here is an exercise to further deepen clarity:


Hand on desk

Please close your eyes for this exercise, just notice any ‘mental’ images or thoughts that
appear and put them aside.

Place a hand on a desk or table (flat surface) - Close your eyes.
Now 'go to' the feeling/sensation which we would normally refer to as 'hand on desk' and
answer from what you can FIND.

1) How many things do you find? Are there two things (hand and desk) or is there one
thing – sensation?

2) Can a ‘feeler’ be found in 'what is being felt'?

3) Do you notice 'one thing feeling another thing'? Or is there just 'a sensation'?

4) Do you find an 'I', a body, a hand 'feeling' . . . or is there just 'a sensation'?
What do you find?

5) Can an INHERENT FEELER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the feeler,
be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

Hi Elad,
I can't find the last message I sent and your reply. I didn't receive the usual notification, so came on to check and then I caught a glimpse of a reply from you which started "sounds wholesome" , but now it seems to have disappeared.
I am on my phone, as I'm away, so it's not as easy to navigate and see everything. Any chance you could resend your reply?

Yesterday i spent the day with my dad who has Alzheimers, strolling and sitting in nature. He's become childlike in his wonder of things: the colours of a leaf, the rain drops, a child cycling past. The best way I have learned to be with him is to really 'Be' with him, exactly where he is. Not trying to rush him through his experience. I realise what a gift it is for me: the optimum opportunity for mindful presence. I could feel the pull of mind to pull me out, but I just kept really present with him. (At one point, before putting him in the home, I wondered if he was my opportunity for awakening, as I was living with him in his one bedroom flat for 18 months).

I am alone a lot more here fir these few days. Easier (is it?) to observe how stuff just gets done, decisions apparently are made to go here or there, to eat this or that. Everything is working out.

With thanks,
Tash

Hi again.
The last message appeared. No need to send it again.
I will read it now
Thanks!

Yesterday i spent the day with my dad who has Alzheimers, strolling and sitting in nature. He's become childlike in his wonder of things: the colours of a leaf, the rain drops, a child cycling past. The best way I have learned to be with him is to really 'Be' with him, exactly where he is. Not trying to rush him through his experience. I realise what a gift it is for me: the optimum opportunity for mindful presence. I could feel the pull of mind to pull me out, but I just kept really present with him. (At one point, before putting him in the home, I wondered if he was my opportunity for awakening, as I was living with him in his one bedroom flat for 18 months).

Sounds like sharing time with your dad indeed is conducive for clarity and opening of heart.

Hi Elad,
Apologies for the delay. I had no Wi-Fi where I was staying so couldn’t use my iPad.

Identification appears to be loosening.

a) How so ?

b) And: Is there still a belief that there is a self ? If yes, how does this belief show up in direct experience here and now?

a) At times there was a sense of seeing things a bit differently and my sense of ‘me’ felt different, like a bit trippy. It’s happened while eating where everything was kind of new and distinct. It also has happened while talking where there was a sense that ‘l’, Tash am not the one talking, like the words are just appearing inside my mouth. Also while walking in town, like it’s someone else’s body that’s moving. These experiences are fleeting.

b) Tash is writing and there's a sense of me behind the eyes, In the centre of my head somewhere looking out.

Hand on desk
1) How many things do you find? Are there two things (hand and desk) or is there one
thing – sensation?

Initially 2 distinct things: The hand feels warm and soft against the cool hard table.
As I go into the sensation, I can feel only subtle throbbing, no sense of 2, no sense of 'I' or 'feeler', just sensation
.

2) Can a ‘feeler’ be found in 'what is being felt'?

There is no sense of a feeler, just the hand sensation.

3) Do you notice 'one thing feeling another thing'? Or is there just 'a sensation'?

Just sensation.

4) Do you find an 'I', a body, a hand 'feeling' . . . or is there just 'a sensation'?
What do you find?

Just sensation. Warmth, sometimes more in one part than another, a twitch, vibration, throbbing.

5) Can an INHERENT FEELER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the feeler be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

No, only sensation, tingling, aliveness, warmth.
At one point, there was more tingling in one area and I noticed that mind started saying, “ah that’s the index finger” and then I had more sense of the hand’s outline and surface as distinct, and the ‘feeler’ emerged, but while IN the felt sense, there was just sensing.

Thanks,
Tash

a) At times there was a sense of seeing things a bit differently and my sense of ‘me’ felt different, like a bit trippy. It’s happened while eating where everything was kind of new and distinct. It also has happened while talking where there was a sense that ‘l’, Tash am not the one talking, like the words are just appearing inside my mouth. Also while walking in town, like it’s someone else’s body that’s moving. These experiences are fleeting.

Yes these experiences are good indicators but will come and go. Nothing needs to change in ordinary experience, everything comes back to normal. It just becomes clear that there is no real self in normal.

b) Tash is writing and there's a sense of me behind the eyes, In the centre of my head somewhere looking out.

Do you really believe this?

Where exactly is the Tash writing what is the real evidence she is writing or is in the centre of the head?

Hand on desk
1) How many things do you find? Are there two things (hand and desk) or is there one
thing – sensation?

Initially 2 distinct things: The hand feels warm and soft against the cool hard table.
As I go into the sensation, I can feel only subtle throbbing, no sense of 2, no sense of 'I' or 'feeler', just sensation
.

2) Can a ‘feeler’ be found in 'what is being felt'?

There is no sense of a feeler, just the hand sensation.

3) Do you notice 'one thing feeling another thing'? Or is there just 'a sensation'?

Just sensation.

4) Do you find an 'I', a body, a hand 'feeling' . . . or is there just 'a sensation'?
What do you find?

Just sensation. Warmth, sometimes more in one part than another, a twitch, vibration, throbbing.

5) Can an INHERENT FEELER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the feeler be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

No, only sensation, tingling, aliveness, warmth.
At one point, there was more tingling in one area and I noticed that mind started saying, “ah that’s the index finger” and then I had more sense of the hand’s outline and surface as distinct, and the ‘feeler’ emerged, but while IN the felt sense, there was just sensing.

Good, good clarifying here.

Here is the next exercise:


“I” labelling

Get a sheet of paper and draw a line that divides that sheet in half. Label one half 'self' and
the other side 'other'. Sit down and start a timer for 5 minutes. Every time you have a
thought make a mark on the sheet. If that thought is about the self put a mark on the self
side, if it’s about something else, mark the other side. If a thought about food occurs due to
feeling hungry, mark that on the self side. Any thought that refers back to a self should go
on the self side. (I'm bored, I'm tired, is the door locked (my safety) that video was funny (I
was amused), my back hurts, I am frightened) get it?

Let me know how you go and what you notice.

Do you really believe this?

Where exactly is the Tash writing what is the real evidence she is writing or is in the centre of the head?

I don't think I believe it, no, but that's what it 'feels', especially when my eyes are open, taking in information and guiding me through space. But when I close my eyes, that sense of 'me' changes.
I don't have any real evidence that it is 'me' writing, or that it is in the centre of the head.

"I" Labelling.
Let me know how you go and what you notice.

It felt a little awkward, and I tried to remain neutral and not condition my thoughts, but the few times I did it today, I noticed that most of the thoughts were about self, and even when the thoughts started about something else, they often ended up becoming about self. e.g. "the birds outside are very loud".. became "I might find that noise hard to live with in the long term".

You are doing well. The key now might be: Understand it is not about getting rid of the sense of self. It is instead just recognizing crystal clear that it is just another appearence that happens by itself and has its role in normal life, and it is not in your control and not a real self. A real separate self would have control over thoughts or attention or action. The sense of self functions for normal life (if you could not separate you from me conventionally and know the difference between "do you want an ice cream" and "does he want an ice cream" you would be in a mental hospital). It is just seen clearly that in real experience it is not a self, it is a sense of self, spontaneously and mysteriously happening by itself without your control, just like everything else. You know what it means if YOU want in ice cream now, as opposed to me, but the reality of if you want it or not, will just spontaneously emerge without your control, just like whatever thoughts you think and type in response to this. Look and see.

Let me know if everything was clear in last message or any questions?

Exercise:

Listen to the following talk. As you listen your job is not to agree or disagree, get or not get it (although thoughts about agreeing and not agreeing, getting and not getting might happen - just thoughts!). "Your" job is only to listen and be open for the seeing/feeling of what actually happens and what actually is there while listening. I.e. what is in direct experience, what thoughts, what sensations, what experience. Write here what happens.

The talk:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2UnnObWkgw

Hi Elad,

I observe that things are just happening, decisions get made, thoughts appear, movement happens. It’s a bit like ‘me’ or mind comes in afterwards and says ‘I’ have done it all. And as I write this I see that writing stops, I apparently stop to think about how to word the next phrase, what is it I want to say, how I want to express it. And all these ‘I’ references are just things happening, I can’t find the ‘I’ doing anything. Then comes the thought that it’s all bullshit, and that is obviously mind having a tantrum!

listen and be open for the seeing/feeling of what actually happens and what actually is there while listening. I.e. what is in direct experience, what thoughts, what sensations, what experience. Write here what happens.

As I listened to the video (a few times) there was resistance at times - tightness in the solar plexus, thoughts like “so what does that make ‘me’ then?”… as before, the felt sense of ‘me’ is, I guess, used by mind to say that I must be in control, but then it all just lands here, and makes perfect sense: there just seems to be stuff happening.

I will continue to observe my direct experience.

With gratitude,
Tash

Hey Tash this is great, you a right there, there is just a little resistance and fear that needs to play itself out. Of course that also happens without a self choosing or controlling or being it.

Listen to the next enligthening quotes video (nr 2) same way and report what is seen/felt.

Also, do this exercise:


Mind labelling experience

Here is an exercise which examines the way in which the mind labels experience - it takes
about 20 minutes and you will need a pen a paper.
This exercise is broken into 10 minute lots. For each 10 minute period pay attention to any
bodily sensation ie is there any tightening, or any relaxing?

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”.
For example: I am sitting on a chair, I am hearing a clock ticking, I am looking at a
computer screen, I am feeling hungry. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just
a plain description of your experience right here and now.

Then for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this
time without using the word “I”. Just describe the experience as it is happening using
verbs. For example: sitting on a chair, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing the clock. (Again,
watch what is happening in the body.)
At the end of the twenty minutes compare the two ways in which the experience was
labelled and answer the following four questions:

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?
2. What is here without labels?
3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

Hi Elad,
Body has been very tired and there has been some anger and frustration with contraction, especially in the legs.

Listen to the next enlightening quotes video (nr 2) same way and report what is seen/felt.

I see that there are expectations of this ‘awakening experience’ as being something exotic, as producing a real change in the body/mind: a new found sense of purpose, where I become a ‘better person’ due to seeing what I am, an expectation that life decisions become super clear. (I can see that these are just thoughts, mind having a conversation with itself. In fact everything IS super clear, because it’s just simply what is here and the next thing just emerges. When I write those words, there’s a relaxation in the body.)

Everything in the video makes sense. There is a knowing that of course all the exotic stuff is just a story.

So there’s an apparent movement in and out of contracted states (in and out of mind??), because I reread the above and mind comes with stories about efforting, the need to be doing more meditation and yoga in order to get my life together; to look for more work. There’s a flatness, and irritability: stories about ‘what will happen to me if I just sit here and let life take care of itself?’ And then, when that has all bubbled up, it feels like there’s a kind of zooming out… to what is right here. And then I get up and move. Or not. But everything feels more relaxed.

Labeling exercise

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?
2. What is here without labels?
3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

Answers to the above:
1. The second column felt truer. Things just happening.
2. Without labels, there is just stuff happening, feels like a continuous flow of movement. Almost Arbitrary.
3. It feels like the ‘I’ labeling reinforces the sense of ‘me’ as separate from what’s happening, like there’s a thought and I am having that thought.
4. In the second part - no I label - the body relaxed, there was an apparent slowing down of everything.

With gratitude,
Tash

Dear Tash,

This is all very clear.

What reactions come up to the sentence:

"The gatless gate has been crossed (by none), it is clear that there is no separate self responsible and controlling things and never was".

So there’s an apparent movement in and out of contracted states (in and out of mind??), because I reread the above and mind comes with stories about efforting, the need to be doing more meditation and yoga in order to get my life together; to look for more work. There’s a flatness, and irritability: stories about ‘what will happen to me if I just sit here and let life take care of itself?’ And then, when that has all bubbled up, it feels like there’s a kind of zooming out… to what is right here. And then I get up and move. Or not. But everything feels more relaxed.

Yes, very clear here. AND: Just because there is no separate self, it does mean exercise stops being good for the body, meditation stops being good for the nervous system, study and practice is needed to learn certain new skills...

And the motivation for these can happen by itself with clarity and without drama...

Makes sense?

Like look today, when you do something genuinely useful or self-nurturing in the conventional sense. Is there a need for self to be there, for the motivation and action to arise?

Hi Elad,

What reactions come up to the sentence:

"The gateless gate has been crossed (by none), it is clear that there is no separate self responsible and controlling things and never was".

There is no gate to cross. There is no one to cross it. There is just this … which is a mystery and is also apparently a human experience in this body with thoughts and conditions, which seem to come up randomly and arbitrarily.
I can feel mind kind of pulling, wanting me to question what I just wrote, saying it cannot be that simple! And I guess that is what mind will always do.

… AND: Just because there is no separate self, it does mean exercise stops being good for the body, meditation stops being good for the nervous system, study and practice is needed to learn certain new skills...

And the motivation for these can happen by itself with clarity and without drama...

Makes sense?

Yes! I notice that the drama (self judgement, self/other criticism) can surface, and then is seen for what it is, just a thought, sometimes tied to a negative self belief. It feels much less sticky.

Like look today, when you do something genuinely useful or self-nurturing in the conventional sense. Is there a need for self to be there, for the motivation and action to arise?

No, no need for self. It just happens. I have noticed that since I wrote the last response where I talked about lacking motivation, I have actually been doing more quite effortlessly.

There appears to be more ease.

A question arises here: if there is no self, regardless of whether something is “self-nurturing” or “self-harming”, is there any difference? Is it all the same?
Tash liked the idea of a “self-nurturing” act just arising (like, if mind steps out of the way, the natural tendency will be positive. Is that true? Self-harm is also just happening, without self. Is there any difference here?
I can feel a kind of vertigo in the belly when looking at this, when contemplating that ‘self-nurturing’ and ‘self-harm’ can be seen to be the same thing. They cannot, surely?

You have suggested that I look to the body, to feel what is here. Are there videos explaining more about this?

Thank you for everything,
Tash