The Gate

1. Place both hands on a table in front of you, palms down.
2. When you have done that, rest for a moment and then raise one hand in the air but not the other.

Don't go to thoughts, examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:
What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
What is it that is controlling the hand?

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?

Once a thought enters the presence, self becomes alive again. It even claims the present moment.

Is it the thought entering or is it the CONTENT of thought which appears responsible for generating the illusion of self?

Who or what is it that says “this is my thought,” “this is me being present”? Can you find the one doing the claiming?

What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
What is it that is controlling the hand?

No one is choosing. There is no entity that directs the movement. Raising of hands happens. Afterwards the thought comes and says, "my hands". I ask, "where is ME? Who is asking?" Everything goes back to no one, it's only a thought followed by a thought. It feels never ending.

Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?

No.
Nothing is in charge of the movement.
No one makes decision. Every movement is just happening on its own spontaneously. It is felt and understood. At the same time there is still a feeling of being separate from....

Is it the thought entering or is it the CONTENT of thought which appears responsible for generating the illusion of self?

The content gives the illusion of self, of being separate. What do I do about it? Accept it?

Who or what is it that says “this is my thought,” “this is me being present”? Can you find the one doing the claiming?

No, I can't. Claiming is just happening. Everything is just happening on its own. No one is behind it. Whether it's physical, mental, emotional. I want everything just collapse yet something is holding on. I don't know what it is.

Thank you, Becca!

Beautiful.

Now this “feeling of being separate.” Where is it?

Don’t answer conceptually. Close your eyes.

Where is the separation located? Pinpoint it.
Is it in the chest? The throat? Behind the eyes? In the head?

Find the raw sensation.

What is the texture of this “holding on”?

The content gives the illusion of self, of being separate. What do I do about it? Accept it?

That would still require someone to judge it. :)

You already saw there is no controller. So who would accept it or reject it?

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts. Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment
instead?

Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

Where is the separation located? Pinpoint it.
Is it in the chest? The throat? Behind the eyes? In the head?

When I close my eyes there is no separation, no sense of separation. Separation from what? I can't find what I'm separate from. It only comes as a word, as an idea. When I give it an attention, it feels like it's my head. But that's only when I give attention to thinking. When I go back to here and now, I can see it's only a concept, there is no separation as a thing.

What is the texture of this “holding on”?

It's a fear of letting go. It feels like falling into darkness if I let go. Yet I know I have to let go. I probably already did let go but pretending like still having control. It's so funny and sad at the same time.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment
instead?

Definitely I can clearly see that I'm not in control of thoughts, of their content or when they appear. Also, during the exercise, just being in presence observing the thoughts, there were much less of them, almost no thoughts.

Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

No, no and no. Such good pointers. Made me laugh!!!

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

It seems that thoughts follow each other. I have to keep looking because it's not so clear to me.

Thank you so much for everything!
With gratitude,
Iva

Very nice.

When I close my eyes there is no separation, no sense of separation.

Is it different with eyes open?

just being in presence observing the thoughts, there were much less of them, almost no thoughts.

What exactly was doing that?
Was there an observer separate from the thoughts?

When there were many thoughts were you absent?

It seems that thoughts follow each other. I have to keep looking because it's not so clear to me.

Great. Let's look...

Right now a thought appears.

Wait.

Before the next thought comes, is there something connecting them?
Or does one simply appear… and then another?
Does a thought follow another… or does one disappear and another appear?

Is there a thinker managing the queue?

Is it different with eyes open?

It seems it is because the body appears as separate from other physical objects. In now, everything is a part of the same, I feel it but it also appears separate from each other. I know it's a concept created by thought. I go back to present moment.

What exactly was doing that?
Was there an observer separate from the thoughts?

Yes and no. It goes back and forth between thoughts just arising and disappearing in a present moment and the observer, another thought, that comes and says "you're sitting in a present moment and less and less thoughts are appearing".

When there were many thoughts were you absent?

No, I wasn't but I was. It's hard to describe.

Before the next thought comes, is there something connecting them?
Or does one simply appear… and then another?
Does a thought follow another… or does one disappear and another appear?

They just appear and disappear like bubbles that appear and pop.

Is there a thinker managing the queue?
No thinker, no manager of thoughts, just thoughts by themselves.

Something is holding on and doesn't want to let go. I think it's fear. How do I let go?

Thank you!

How is this fear known?
Tell me about it. What is the experience of fear? Is that what is holding on? Does it need to let go?

With eyes open, a world of objects appears . . . a room . . . a computer screen etc
What you can specifically see isn't of interest here, and whatever it is, I am simply going to refer to it as 'what can be seen'. This might be a little tricky, but give it some consideration.
1) With eyes open, can you confirm that what is experienced is 'what can be seen' as I mentioned?
2) Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'what can be seen'?
3) Can what is witnessing 'what can be seen' be found?
4) Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me', an Iva be found that is witnessing 'what can be seen'? Or is there just simply 'what can be seen' to be found?

What do you find?
Can an INHERENT SEE-ER be found? Would anything that is suggested as the see-er, be anything other than a concept/idea/thought?

It goes back and forth between thoughts just arising and disappearing in a present moment and the observer, another thought, that comes and says "you're sitting in a present moment and less and less thoughts are appearing".

Does the thought of an observer always come after, secondarily?

How is this fear known?
Tell me about it. What is the experience of fear? Is that what is holding on? Does it need to let go?

The fear is felt as an unpleasant sensation in the body after a fearful thought and also when the sense of complete surrender is about to be experienced. Fear appears out of nowhere and stops that process.
It's not really the fear that is holding on. It's a thought of fear that's holding on. It doesn't need to let go. My thinking creates an illusion that something is holding on and therefore needs to be let go of. Feels like closer I get to just being the thinking gets more intense.

1) With eyes open, can you confirm that what is experienced is 'what can be seen' as I mentioned?
2) Is there anything else in 'seeing' other than 'what can be seen'?
3) Can what is witnessing 'what can be seen' be found?
4) Can a pair of eyes, an 'I' / 'me', an Iva be found that is witnessing 'what can be seen'? Or is there just simply 'what can be seen' to be found?

Yes it's seeing without the see-er. There is no one in between what can be seen and seeing. It's just happening. It's one thing.

Does the thought of an observer always come after, secondarily?

I'm looking, experiencing directly and yes, the thought of an observer comes after and says "you are looking". But I cannot do anything about it. I cannot make the observer to disappear. I want to but I can't. I can't. The fight is so exhausting and frustrating.

Thank you for everything and mainly for your patience Becca. I feel like I'm going in circles.
Iva

It hasn’t been so long really. Some important seeing is here.

The fear is felt as an unpleasant sensation in the body

Yes.
Can you sit with this directly for a while? Let the associated thoughts float by and just notice what is moving (or not moving) in the body labeled as ‘fear’.
Where is it? Is it fixed or in motion? Without the thoughts how is it known to be ‘fear’?

I'm looking, experiencing directly and yes, the thought of an observer comes after and says "you are looking". But I cannot do anything about it. I cannot make the observer to disappear. I want to but I can't.

This is important that you see it comes after. As a thought. You are trying to remove an afterthought.

The “observer” is not something present.
It is commentary about what already happened.

Like a sports announcer yelling after the goal.
Are you trying to silence the announcer?

Who wants the observer to appear? Isn’t that also an afterthought?

Can ‘I’ be found as anything other than an afterthought?

Is there anything in direct experience that is the observer? A sensation anywhere?

Where is it? Is it fixed or in motion? Without the thoughts how is it known to be ‘fear’?

Yes, you're right. The thought labels it as "fear". It's not really a fear when I look closely. It's sensations moving through the body. The thought labels it as fear. It even labels the sensation as pleasant or unpleasant. It feels like it happens automatically. As I contemplate on this, I see how these sentences are just more thoughts. There is really no meaning or significance of them.... of anything really. What do I do about it. Just sit and do nothing and accept everything???!!!

Yes, thank you for that pointer. I'm creating an afterthought by going on and saying, "I cannot do anything about it". Yes, that is just another thought.

Is there anything in direct experience that is the observer? A sensation anywhere?

In direct experience, no observer, just seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, breathing. I'm not sure about sensation .. feels like resistance sometimes comes. Like resisting to being still. Then comes observer and then thinking and labeling and being in the head. That feels like it is inevitable.
Also when I look at my hands, they look strange. They feel like they are not my hands and the rest of my body feels like it's not part of me. Are those just thoughts too?

With gratitude,
Iva

What do I do about it. Just sit and do nothing and accept everything???!!!

:)

Would there be a sense of doership or ownership of that? "The one who does nothing"?
Question is, was there ever anyone doing the doing all along?
Does what happens require acceptance?

Also when I look at my hands, they look strange. They feel like they are not my hands and the rest of my body feels like it's not part of me. Are those just thoughts too?

Here is an exercise to explore:

Please find a quiet place and a quiet time.
Sit or lay down and relax. Close your eyes.
Can you attend to sensation exclusively?
Not minding thought babbling about this and that?
Not minding thought labeling sensation for a bit?

Thought may tell: "I am lying here" or "My body is lying here" or "A body is lying here".
But could this be known from pure sensation?
Thought might suggest: "There is a soft pressure against the back".
But could you know about "pressure" or "back" from pure sensation?

Once arrived there, while ONLY attending to sensation, please have a look at the following
questions:
Can be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a specific size, shape or weight?
How many toes are there?

Would there be a sense of doership or ownership of that? "The one who does nothing"?
Question is, was there ever anyone doing the doing all along?
Does what happens require acceptance?

Yeah, I see that :)) The illusion of one who wants tries to surrender, by claiming to do nothing is doing something. I see that what happens is happening and acceptance is not needed but if the thought of doing something like accepting comes, it's also just happening on its own. So if it's seen as another activity than it is okay, right? So much looping back and forth.

Once arrived there, while ONLY attending to sensation, please have a look at the following questions:
Can be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a specific size, shape or weight?
How many toes are there?

I have done this a few times and honestly, it took me some time to get to feeling just the sensation. I could not locate the body when perceiving from the sensation. Also, the sensation existed on its own, just pure sensation without location. Then the thought came and labeled where in the body the sensation was. Everything (various sensations, sounds, thought, images) seemed to be appearing in what felt like a container, but it was at the same time waste space. Then the mental image of a body came, and the thoughts claimed that all the sensations, sounds, thought, images are happening because the body can perceive it. The thoughts just seem to be in the way of having a direct experience of a present moment. I know they are also it but there is still frustration because of identification with self. Something is beginning to loosen up, though. I can tell because feelings like anger and not feeling safe arose during the exercise too.

With gratitude,
Iva

Hi Iva,

I know it feels like looping but stay with it… as you noticed there is some bubbling up happening. :)

Everything (various sensations, sounds, thought, images) seemed to be appearing in what felt like a container, but it was at the same time waste space.

Is there actually a container or is “container” another subtle mental image?
Without referring to imagery is there an edge anywhere?

The thoughts just seem to be in the way of having a direct experience of a present moment

Let’s get underneath this seems to be…
Right now when a thought appears, does it obscure sensation or does sensation continue effortlessly?

Watch it.
Does thought actually block anything? Or is that just a story about thought?


I’m going to give you another exercise. Here is an even deeper investigation of the body. Please follow each step, don't leave out any. Take your time. Don't move to the next step until the previous one is clearly seen. Repeat the exercise several times.

Stand in front of a bigger mirror.

(1) First, close the eyes and feel the sensations labeled ‘body’.

(2) Then open the eyes and look into the mirror while still paying attention to the sensations.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations and the image in the mirror?
Or just thoughts (and/or mental images) suggest that there is?

(3) While still paying attention to the sensations move one hand and observe the movement from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and image of movement in the mirror?

(4) Now do the same movement with the hand, but this time look at the hand directly, not from the mirror.
Is there any connection between the felt sensations (labeled ‘hand’) and the image ‘of movement’? Or only thoughts suggest it?

(5) Now, pay attention only to the image in the mirror.
Does the image by itself suggest in any way that is ‘you’ or ‘your body’?
Does the image itself suggest in any way that it is a ‘body’ at all?
Or are there only colors and shapes?

(6) Where the mirror ends, some parts of the body (probably legs) cannot be seen.
Just by the image in the mirror, is there any ‘knowledge’ that there must be legs, or only thoughts and mental images suggest so?

(7) Now turn away from the mirror and look forward (don’t look directly to any body parts).
Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?

(8) Start to walk slowly.
Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?

(9) Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labeled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

Much love!

Is there actually a container or is “container” another subtle mental image?
Without referring to imagery is there an edge anywhere?

No container and no edges, just colors and shapes appearing.

Right now when a thought appears, does it obscure sensation or does sensation continue effortlessly?

Sensation just continues. It's not affected by a thought at all even if the thought is claiming the sensation.

Is there a ‘body’ anywhere when all thoughts and images are ignored, or are there only sensations?

Yes, only sensations are there but when I look at my hand or any part of my body, a thought comes and claims the sensation right away. It's hard for me to not see the sensation as being "in my hand" or any other part of the body. It feels that the sensation exists within the shapes and colors.

Is there a ‘body walking’, or are there only sensations?
Is there actual experience of ‘walking’ at all?
Or just THOUGHTS ABOUT ‘walking’?
Can such a thing as ‘body’ be found OR just THOUGHTS ABOUT a ‘body’?
Can such a thing as ‘walking’ be found?

I have done this many times and yes sensations are there but so is the body and walking feels like a real activity happening.

Are the sensations localized in space, like ‘going through the room’; OR is there only an image that is labeled ‘room’ and appearing sensations without any location?

I don't see this clearly so far. Room is an image but it appears real and all the objects as well even thought everything is only shapes and colors. Thoughts put labels on everything so quickly.

I need help with this. I feel stuck.

With gratitude,
Iva

Good. You’re looking honestly. Don’t try to force a conclusion. The confusion you’re reporting is exactly where the investigation becomes real.

Right now there are two layers mixed together:
1 Raw experience (colors, shapes, sensations)
2 Thought interpretation (“hand”, “body”, “room”, “walking”)

Your mind is very fast at overlaying the second on the first. That’s normal conditioning.
So we slow it down.
But we won’t solve this conceptually. We must look again directly.

when I look at my hand or any part of my body, a thought comes and claims the sensation right away. It's hard for me to not see the sensation as being "in my hand" or any other part of the body. It feels that the sensation exists within the shapes and colors.

Good observation. Hold your hand up and look at it.

There are two things appearing:
1 Colors and shapes (the visual image)
2 Sensations (tingling, pressure, warmth, etc.)

Now look carefully, not intellectually…

Do the colors contain the sensation? Or are the sensation and the image simply appearing at the same time?

Is there an actual bridge between the sensation and the image?Or does thought simply say “This sensation belongs to that image.”

The thought claims ownership after the fact.
But can you actually find the connection?

Walking feels like a real activity happening.

Of course it does. No problem.

But look again. Walk slowly for 20 seconds and examine the raw experience.

What is actually present?

Perhaps you find shifting sensations in the feet, pressure changes, balance adjustments, visual movement, sounds

So is “walking” a single thing?
Or is just a label thought gives to many sensations happening?

Can you actually find the walking itself, separate from sensations? Or only sensations + the thought “walking”?


So now look around the room.
What is actually present in vision? Where is the “room” inside those colors? Can you find the room without thought naming it?


None of this means the body or room doesn’t exist in practical life!

The investigation is different. We are asking what is directly experienced, before thought explains it…

So coming back around looking in this way…
Are sensations inside a body? Or is the body just a mental image appearing with sensations?