Am here to deconstruct my ‘self’

[graceabounds]

Great. This is a practice you can continue to come back to, it is the foundation of how to look.

Sitting in a room, curtains closed, you wonder what the weather is like outside. You can think about it, look it up on the internet, watch the forecast on TV, call your mother and ask her - or you can simply open the curtains and have a look.


Now, in that same way, look into these questions:

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.
Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?

Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?
It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

[Jarf1shRaw]

Wow. The thoughts come from no where and go back to no where. But along the way I still go from being a like the screen of the movie in which thoughts arise, to inside the movie of thoughts, entangled in them until I remember that I'm observing the thought. I'm going to play with this more and let you know how I get on.

If there is anything you can suggest for staying as the observer of the arising thoughts and not getting sucked in, please do

Thanks!

[graceabounds]

Wow is right :)

Where is the observer?

Don’t answer. Look.

Is it in the head?
Behind the eyes?
In a space?
Is it a point? A shape? A feeling?

Is there an observer or only observing?

[Jarf1shRaw]

Hey there, sorry didn't see this response until now.

So I've had what felt like a 'turbulent' week with my mum having another heart attack and also then thinking I might have been having one so I spent a night in A&E.

I've got two things I want to inquire you with this:

1. I feel like the grieving process had already started for my mum even though she's now alright and cleared from hospital, so part of me is allowing. But I also notice how much there's a want to help give her clarity in what's really causing her ill health and encourage her to awaken. Is this all mind/thought form that does not matter? is there any point in trying to have another heart to heart with her about what's perpetuating our suffering and manifesting as physical symptoms?

2. I really fought with going to A&E, but after hearing my mum's concerns for where i was experiencing symptoms and after waking up after trying to go to sleep with it, I went to hospital. It felt as if I'd fell for the trap of 'fear' again, and forgot my true reality in eternity as I was so scared of dying and death. There were moments when I'd let go and notice I'm beyond what's arising in awareness but it felt like it kept pulling me back into the fear of mortality (which felt so real).

At times it was overwhelming but I noticed at the core of this pain was a 'holding on' to this person who I think I am and all that I mean to others and what I want to still do in this life. It became clear that even though this thought felt 'real', it was also the cause of the suffering and made me feel like a slave to fear.

So, I prayed to surrender everything and just give up to life itself, but at the same time noticed the mind ramping up in intensity as well as the pain and emotions. It was messy and felt as if I was praying from fear even though I just wanted to let go of all of it. Eventually the symptoms subsided and I got cleared by the doctor of anything heart related/life threatening and I got some time off work to rest. However, I find it funny how I've 'learnt' all this stuff about the awakening process and how it can make you feel like 'you're' dying, when really it's just this fake self dissolving, but F*** me does it feel real when it's happening.

I could see these mechanisms on full blast when this was happening, but the pull back into mind was so strong. I guess my question to you is how do you maintain the recognition of awareness more, especially in situations like these? Is it a constant to and fro from realization, then back into mind until it just loses it's power?

Sorry for the long message, not meaning to write a novel haha

Thanks
Jarfish

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

Sorry to hear about your mum’s health, and I’m glad to hear you got checked out too.

But I also notice how much there's a want to help give her clarity in what's really causing her ill health and encourage her to awaken. Is this all mind/thought form that does not matter?

If there is no me, is there anyone in your mum who you can wake up?

Is this something that can be done to or for another?

No one is in control of the timeline of death. Be with her as you are able to, just be, now, with no agenda, that matters.

At times it was overwhelming but I noticed at the core of this pain was a 'holding on' to this person who I think I am and all that I mean to others and what I want to still do in this life.

Yes. This noticing is important. The clinging is the suffering. The fake self never existed to dissolve…

Can this image, this unicorn, the fantasy of who you think you are, be released?

What is happening in the body now? Post A&E?

how do you maintain the recognition of awareness more, especially in situations like these? Is it a constant to and fro from realization, then back into mind until it just loses it's power?

The recognition that’s true doesn’t require upkeep. So there is nothing to maintain and no one to manage it all.

So take a look underneath:
Can you find the one who is afraid to die?

Write as much as you like as often as you like, or take a break if needed, there is also no one in control on either end of this conversation of when this train arrives at the station. It is already en route…

Much love.

[Jarf1shRaw]

Amazing, feels a lot lighter inquiring on this. That there's no one to get this right or wrong.

Thanks for the guidance, will come back in a few days or so :)

One love

[graceabounds]

<3

[Jarf1shRaw]

So I've started becoming aware of sensations and sounds arising from within awareness. So like when a car is coming past instead of thinking that the car is projecting soundwaves into my ears from outside of me and I'm then absorbing the sound through my ears and with the sense of 'me' being up in the head to experience this, it's starting to feel a lot wider and I can't pinpoint where I am in this because it's all 'me'.

So even though this has been noticed, most other times throughout the day like when I'm at work and people are talking to me and I see them as a separate entity stood 'over there' whilst what then feels like me is behind my eyes, ears and brain watching and listening to 'them'. From what I've gathered this is just like a habit/mechanism we've formed and that it's not reality, so I take it that this will loosen as I notice it and go back to awareness that permits everything? What also gets me is the fact that this already is reality, so why do I have to keep forgetting and noticing if I'm always already here?

Hope that made sense lol

[graceabounds]

Very good. You’re deep in the heart of the illusion now, where the knowing is starting to clash with the wiring… stay with it!

most other times throughout the day like when I'm at work and people are talking to me and I see them as a separate entity stood 'over there' whilst what then feels like me is behind my eyes, ears and brain watching and listening to 'them'.

Where precisely behind the eyes and ears is this happening? Is there a sensation there? A mental picture?

Many experience the ‘me’ as being centred in the head.
What I would like you to do is imagine a small apple centred in the head.
Before the apple disappears….
…imagine a canary centred in the head, tweeting away.
Before, the canary flies off (weird huh?)….
…imagine a 'me' centred in the head.
Stay with it…
…imagine it is completely transparent. See straight through it…
…imagine there not seeming to be a 'me' in the head anymore.
Give it a go, see what happens.

why do I have to keep forgetting

The “you” that forgets is itself part of the dream. :)

Look at whatever is in front of you. It is seen from the perspective of two windows (eyes) or is it like a windscreen view? Now zoom back in and try to find the thing that’s seeing. Is there seeing separate from what’s seen, or is there just what’s seen?
Is there any awareness separate from experience or is there just experience?

Right now:
Where is sound happening?
Where is thought happening?
Where is sight happening?

Is it happening to someone?

[Jarf1shRaw]

Hey, sorry didn't get notified of your response, will make sure to check in on here first rather than email.

Haven't quite figured out how to quote but will just answer chronologically to your pointers.

If I look closer to what feels like 'me' behind my eyes in these situations usually what comes up is thoughts of what the other person might think if they notice 'me' zoning out and looking at them with complete emptiness haha. Again this is all social constructions made of thought that I theoretically know is not truth but often am entangled in the illusion at the time.
I can't find a me but the assumption/mental image is probably like my etheral body/soul in one place, and there's in another. I know if I look closer this too won't stay, so for this I'm just going to remind myself to inquire whilst in social situations.

This exercise was interesting to do. When it got to imagining the 'me' behind the eyes I still had to work up a mental image of this, being the one who is attached on the other end of my eyeballs, ears, and inhabiting the brain like the cockpit of my body. It was almost believable, but then it just doesn't seem plausible as I began feeling into what's feeling and it being sparse and having no boundaries. This then went into the next phase of not seeming to be 'me' in my head anymore, the only the thing that then came up is thought trying to remind me that I'm 'a someone imagining this', but then thought would reply to that thought saying "no, there is no me in my head", but and finally another thought would respond saying "exactly! you're imagining it as you have to prompt yourself to realize it." Yet I'm aware it's all thought so it doesn't really matter haha

"The “you” that forgets is itself part of the dream. :)" -- that hit hard. This is the most insanely simple yet what feels like 'difficult' path of human endeavour.

"Look at whatever is in front of you. It is seen from the perspective of two windows (eyes) or is it like a windscreen view? Now zoom back in and try to find the thing that’s seeing. Is there seeing separate from what’s seen, or is there just what’s seen?
Is there any awareness separate from experience or is there just experience?" -- ah so applying the same inward approach to the object? So trying to locate where there is a separate experience to experience?

Sound, thought and sight is happening within 'my' experience and I can't prove that there is any experience outside of this.

[graceabounds]

Hello ,

Good looking here, especially in identifying the thoughts coming up which run counter to what is being directly experienced.

And before I forget yes, email notifications have not been working for me either so I’m glad you are checking back.

thought trying to remind me that I'm 'a someone imagining this'

Yes it is mind numbingly convoluted how many layers of me there need to be here: the one who reminds, the one who is reminded…subject/object. But who is the thinker? You see that this is all thought referencing thought…
A puppet echoing a puppet, with no hand inside.

So coming back and looking afresh:
Where is the seer?

Is it behind the eyes?
In the head?
In the space?
In the body?
In the awareness?

Or is there just… seeing?

Sound, thought and sight is happening within 'my' experience and I can't prove that there is any experience outside of this

What’s the evidence that this is your experience?
Where’s the ownership?

Can you find a boundary?? something that separates this experience from some “outside” experience?

Or is that a belief in the me that allll this must be happening to?

When sound happens… is there a hearer?

When thought happens… is there a thinker?

When sight happens… is there a seer?

Or is there just happening?


Is it possible there has only ever been one undivided happening, in which “you” were just a temporary story?

[Jarf1shRaw]

Huh wow. t's crazy to see how even just in the language that I use to communicate there are layers of this false identity. I've taken a photo of this and will remind myself throughout the week of these pointers.

Will come back on the weekend, thanks!

[graceabounds]

Yes.
Here’s a quick exercise that touches on that…

Here is an exercise which examines the way in which the mind labels experience - it takes about 20 minutes and you will need a pen a paper.

This exercise is broken into 10 minute lots. For each 10 minute period pay attention to any bodily sensation ie is there any tightening, or any relaxing?

For the first ten minutes write down what you are experiencing right now using the word “I”.
For example: I am sitting on a chair, I am hearing a clock ticking, I am looking at a computer screen, I am feeling hungry. Get right to the point, no past or future fantasy, just a plain description of your experience right here and now.

Then for the next ten minutes continue writing down what you are experiencing but this time without using the word “I”. Just describe the experience as it is happening using verbs. For example: sitting on a chair, typing, breathing, blinking, hearing the clock. (Again,
watch what is happening in the body.)

At the end of the twenty minutes compare the two ways in which the experience was labeled and answer the following four questions:
1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?
2. What is here without labels?
3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?
4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

Much love,
Becca

[Jarf1shRaw]

Okay this was interesting... Done the 20 minutes and here's what was noticed:

1. Is one truer than the other, and If so, which one?

1. Out of the two ways of noting down experience there is a more 'truer' and straight to the point way, and it's the latter. I noticed that when jotting down notes in the first 10 minutes, using 'I' also meant that the rest of the experience would be tainted with terms like 'my', trying to further reinforce this person that cannot be found. For example in the first 10 minutes I wrote down "I am feeling tension in my legs", and in the second 10 minutes I wrote down "Feeling sensation in legs". Therefore it's like as soon as an 'I' is introduced it's like theres a mechanism in play that takes credit for everything and puts invisible distance in between experience.
With the second 10 minutes it felt more direct and a lot less descriptive.

2. What is here without labels?

2. Experience itself seems to be all there is without these descriptors

3. Do labels affect the experience or just describe it?

3. Just describe it. Unless they create more resistance which then causes a 'less rich experience' and a more dissociated state?

4. Did you notice any differences in the body?

4. yeah, it felt as if when there was less describing the experience as 'mine' the itchiness/pain/sensation seemed to flow and not feel like I'm holding on to it or pushing it away. As it now establishes that there is no 'I' in the same playing field as these sensory inputs. That they're are temporary, and what I am exists beyond these objects which used to be of concern, only when attached to thought which said I exist only as a body and these were now 'mine'.

Thanks for the pointers, keep them coming, even if I'm a bit slow on replying this is really helping!

[graceabounds]

Hi Jarfish

Very good.

Therefore it's like as soon as an 'I' is introduced it's like theres a mechanism in play that takes credit for everything and puts invisible distance in between experience.

Precisely. And it is wholly fantasy. The distance doesn’t exist. There is just experience.

what I am exists beyond these objects which used to be of concern

Hold on, Who says this?
What is this “I” that exists beyond anything?

If there’s no “I” on the playing field, why protect one “beyond” the field?

What if there’s just this, right now:
Sound.
Sensation.
Thought.
Not appearing to anything.
Not contained by anything.

zoom in and try to find the thing that’s seeing. Is
there seeing separate from what’s seen, or is there just what’s seen?
Is there any awareness separate from experience or is there just experience?


Let everything go, even the one watching.
What’s wrong with right now… if “I” don’t enter the picture?

-Becca