Cesar Zapata

[Elad]

It sounds really beautiful what happens in terms of embodiment and embrace of the whole life, the "tantric process".

In terms of inquiry maybe it would help you with a simple approach at this stage. Stay with one simple question, could be one of the following:

What am I?

Is it true that there is no doer?

What is aware?

What makes things happen?

Is there a self apart from this?

....

Or another question of this sort that speaks to your heart. Chose one quesion and don'g budge from it, just stay with asking that question until clarity and conviction beyond thinking dawns.

If you go for that remember and stay close to what you all ready know: No thought reaction or sensation is "the answer". When you ask the question, whatever comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions, etc is fine, its just part of the flow, its what life reveals now... AND, critically, it is not something to stay focused on or make something out of. Neither rejecting nor giving energy to what just happens, return to the question until clarity dawns.

Would it make sense for you to work like this?

[cesarzapata]

Hi Elad.

Would it make sense for you to work like this?

Yes, it is to some extent what I have been doing. What is this seems to resonate a lot right now. That sense of unknowing more and more as I stay with the question.

Regards, Cesar.

[Elad]

Great!

And just be aware of the conflict or difference between what is directly experienced when inquiring on the one hand and all the ideas and beliefs on the other. Be aware of the conflict or difference without trying to make it go away.

I am here whenever you feel it is time to share again.

[cesarzapata]

Hi Elad.

I thought I'd give an update.

I have attended to an ebodiment retreat with Todd and Pernilla last week which was amazing. It has revealed a lot of shadow around self-love. So I have been integrating these parts.

On the insight side of things, it feels like things continue to integrate.

The most recent thing I notice is the identification feels lessened. Like the feeling of agency has become more subtle and there isn't a lot of pull from that contraction. Also I notice the practice has become a lot more like shikentaza, there's not a lot of purpose in doing it, it's just done with curiosity, and doesn't feel like a doing so much, there's not a lot of that drive/intention behind it, the feeling of needing to find something. I feel practice has become more intuitive now.

The same backgound, like a passive noticing that is present in meditation sessions starts to come more to the forefront in other aspects of life.

I also notice an inclination to inspect the idea of death, like feel what it is the fear of non-existence, what is lost. So as I mentioned I'm keeping things intuitive, moving with the flow.

Regards,

Cesar.

[Elad]

Hi Cesar,

Sounds like a really good flow you are in.

You can just continue and if you want to ask my support with something, feel free.

Also, if you feel things are fully satisfying for you with regards to the LU process, maybe answer the check-point questions one more time... You can keep it short (or long, as you wish), most importantly is to speak from the heart and what is directly seen. If you work with the questions and you see yourself analyzing, giving the most reasonable answer you can from a place of thinking and past insight-experiences, or if it seems somehow complicated, these are strong indicators that you are in fact answering from within a dream of selfing and analyzing, and not from direct insight. In other words the time to answer these questions and move towards finalization of this process, is when it feels simple and easy to answer the questions. And if it doesn't, whatever doesn't feel simple and eassy indicates the place to inquire into. The intention with writing it to you this way, is to support you to keep looking until the heart feels really clear and settled on the matter of the existence of the separate self (the doer, the responsible one, the experiencer, etc).

[Elad]

Hi Cesar, I had the thought it might be helpful with one live meeting for us (free of charge), just to see in person where you are with this, if things feel clear, or if there is anything for us to work on. If you want that, write me on eladexplore1111@gmail.com

[cesarzapata]

Thanks Elad. Will reach out.

[Elad]

Dear guidees,

I will be taking a month of vacation, including from guiding, from May 26th to June 27th. You might want to use the time until May 26th to inquire with great wholeheartedness and beginners mind, maybe "the Gateless Gate will be passed". You might also want to update both of us on where you are in the process, and what is experienced as your wishes and needs now, if any - happy to hear from you before I leave. If during my vacation you feel a need to be supported by an LU guide, two of my trusted fellow guides will be available. During that period, contacting them might also be an opportunity to the get a different input - we never know what input, what energy, will suddenly make what is clear clear.

Fellow guides:

Alan: alan.home.mailbox@gmail.com
Becca: becca@supportedawakening.com

🙏

[cesarzapata]

Hi Elad.

I would like to share some update, but I don't quite know what. So I will write from the heart.

I think for a few weeks now, what seems to be hapening in my experience is some form of loss of something. I don't know if it's loss of interest, or loss of the ilusion that I can achieve something, or even if it really is a loss at all. But there has been a change in energy. It feels like I can see that practice was coming from a place of trying to achieve, and that one trying to achieve is also some energetic movement, a part of this, that is habitually taken to be me.

It's as if I realised there's nothing I can do, that I have expectations to feel better, to feel happy and fulfilled, but I know too well that whatever is appearing, I have no control over. And in a way, I can also see how this new movement of frustration, desilusionment, is also teaching me some things I need to see.

It feels as if I have been back to a lot of thought identification, and I see that "trying to not be identified" is just more of the same, so it's as if I noticed more selfing patterns, and there is just a watching and letting life playout however it does. So for some period some disconfort and tears came up, restlessness, frustration and then something moves and is seen, that even the moments that I hate, are also this, and has been forcing me to look deeper and feel into the body, in all moment and circunstances of life.

So practice has been a bit different, I feel it's more intimate and more authentic, it feels closer to my heart, feels like I'm really looking into what is really important for me, and questioning a lot of the mental constructs I acquired along the way about spiritual journey.

It also feels like, there is a different way of trying to balance practice now, sometimes there's still intentional practice, but I am more atuned to the energy behind the practice, cuz I can see now how much of this "me" energy there has been in practice, the practitioner that is trying to achieve something. So when practice happens now, there's more atunement to this, and recognising anything that is trying to make this differnt, trying to get anywhere, or trying to become something else.

Seems like my curiosity has been around thought identification recently, I think there is still selfing patterns going on, and I have been investigating that.

I would love to hear from you before you go if possible, otherwise I hope you have a great time off.

I will reach out to Becca and Alan in my absense, like you said, sometimes a different energy can be interesting.

Regards,

Cesar.

[Elad]

Dear Cesar,

Thank you for this heartfelt, honest sharing. What you’re describing carries real depth and ripeness — even in the moments of dryness, loss, or disillusionment. Sometimes it’s there especially.

This sense of “loss” or “falling away” sounds like a poignant raw unfolding. The practitioner, the seeker - the one who was tracking, evaluating, striving - is being seen more clearly now as an energetic pattern, not a “you.” And in the wake of that, there’s a new kind of intimacy arising. One not based on goals or states, but on truth and naked presence.

That said, one place I’d gently invite you to look even more closely:

When you say “I noticed more selfing patterns,” or “I am letting go,” or “I can see now how much ‘me’ energy there was in practice” - is there how subtly the idea of a someone seeing this, someone letting go, someone practicing differently? Even here, the “I belief” can sneak in the back door. It becomes more refined, but no less illusory.

So, perhaps instead of watching “yourself” investigate selfing… Be curious: Where is the one doing this? What is seeing?

No need to answer. Just keep letting the sense of "someone" evaporate wherever it hides. Even the letting go can be seen as just another movement within the field — and not belonging to anyone.

As for support while I’m away - I’m glad you’re open to that. I suggest you choose either Becca or Alan to connect with during this time (one of them). It helps create more focus, and lets a more personal rhythm emerge. Both have very different flavors and gifts (Becca you know...), and with both something valuable will unfold.

With appreciation for your sincerity,