The Gate

By the way, I never knew vipassana was just separating the senses. I watched videos of Frank Yang who apparently did a lot of vipassana and talked about it a lot, but I never made the connection. I always thought it was some advanced meditation technique that I didn't understand.

The translation of vipassana is something like 'clear seeing' or 'distinct seeing'. In other words, seeing separately is clear seeing.

Shinzen Young has a free starting course on Vipassana if you're interested: https://go.unifiedmindfulness.com/core_main_lander

Frank Yang and Daniel Ingram are both in the vipassana camp if I remember correctly.

Other than the five videos you sent me, I haven't looked at much of his stuff. Which videos do you recommend?

Probably best to start with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46eXmSQ-JVg

I was trying to find something that would get beneath the stories but couldn't find anything, so I'll just write it here:

1. Take the story 'I'm not good enough' or something else
2. Imagine the important people in your life during childhood (parents, etc)
3. Now flip the story to 'I am good enough'
4. Notice what comes up

Yes, this makes sense! The timer thing is also a good one. Most of the time I'm just not thinking about it, so being reminded is very useful. I will do it tomorrow and check back in.

The more resistance you feel to taking a meditation break, the more powerful it will be, because you're stopping the habitual programs. Let me know how it goes :)

Hi Henri,

The translation of vipassana is something like 'clear seeing' or 'distinct seeing'. In other words, seeing separately is clear seeing. Shinzen Young has a free starting course on Vipassana if you're interested: https://go.unifiedmindfulness.com/core_main_lander. Probably best to start with this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46eXmSQ-JVg

Ah I see. Thanks! I will definitely check both out.

1. Take the story 'I'm not good enough' or something else
2. Imagine the important people in your life during childhood (parents, etc)
3. Now flip the story to 'I am good enough'
4. Notice what comes up

What comes up is a lot of instances where important people in my life during childhood made me feel like I had to be different. Things like my dad saying I had to eat with my mouth closed, my sister saying I need to stop singing. Stuff like that. Along with it, this feeling which is a mix of anxiety and sadness.

The more resistance you feel to taking a meditation break, the more powerful it will be, because you're stopping the habitual programs. Let me know how it goes :)

It went a lot better today haha. I didn't feel that much of a resistance mostly, but I did have a lot of free time today, so that could also be part of the reason. I focused mainly on the 'chooser' today. Most of the time, there was no chooser and everything just happened. There were some moments where there still seemed to be a chooser, but this then turned out to be just some body sensations.

By the way, during dinner I was watching tv with my dad and there was some political news. I then shared some opinion, but after saying it, it really felt like the opinion wasn't mine. Rather it seemed like the opinion was someone else's. The words obviously came out of 'my' mouth, but since I didn't choose to say the words it seemed like they were not mine. It was quite weird.

~Jaïr

What comes up is a lot of instances where important people in my life during childhood made me feel like I had to be different. Things like my dad saying I had to eat with my mouth closed, my sister saying I need to stop singing. Stuff like that. Along with it, this feeling which is a mix of anxiety and sadness.

You can begin by feeling the sadness here. It may reveal more.

You can bring it up either by bringing up an image of what you mentioned, or by using a sentence to remind you, such as:

- My dad told me to eat with my mouth closed
- My sister told me to stop singing

The only use for the sentence is to get you in touch with the sadness so you can feel it. If you don't need a sentence, that's fine, too.

It went a lot better today haha. I didn't feel that much of a resistance mostly, but I did have a lot of free time today, so that could also be part of the reason. I focused mainly on the 'chooser' today. Most of the time, there was no chooser and everything just happened. There were some moments where there still seemed to be a chooser, but this then turned out to be just some body sensations.

Sounds good!

Does this line of inquiry still feel alive and interesting to you? (looking for a chooser in daily life)

By the way, during dinner I was watching tv with my dad and there was some political news. I then shared some opinion, but after saying it, it really felt like the opinion wasn't mine. Rather it seemed like the opinion was someone else's. The words obviously came out of 'my' mouth, but since I didn't choose to say the words it seemed like they were not mine. It was quite weird.

Yes, things can get weird at times! :)

So let me ask you: Can you say with 100% certainty that there is no inherent self that is doing, thinking, feeling, and making things happen?

Hi Henri,

You can begin by feeling the sadness here. It may reveal more. You can bring it up either by bringing up an image of what you mentioned, or by using a sentence to remind you, such as:
- My dad told me to eat with my mouth closed
- My sister told me to stop singing
The only use for the sentence is to get you in touch with the sadness so you can feel it. If you don't need a sentence, that's fine, too.

Almost all of the thoughts that come up for me are images. So generally I only need the image (or rather the gut feeling below the image) to trigger the feelings themselves. I feel like these are more subtle parts of repressed feelings that might not have bothered me as much at first. However, now that the larger issues (most notably the fear stuff) are starting to fade away these minor issues are popping up more and more. The blueprint to dealing with them is very clear, however sometimes I might not recognize the issues especially when they haven't shown up in a while.

Does this line of inquiry still feel alive and interesting to you? (looking for a chooser in daily life)

Hmm 50/50, on the one hand, I feel like I have experienced the chooser not being there, so I trust that this will broaden and deepen more and more. However, I also must admit that it seemed to take too much effort/focus sometimes to see that there is no chooser which made the process a bit superficial. This actually makes me think there is more to unpack here still, but maybe more on the level of trying to find the non-existence of the chooser itself.

So let me ask you: Can you say with 100% certainty that there is no inherent self that is doing, thinking, feeling, and making things happen?

Intellectually yes, experientially no. I still feel like I'm the decision-maker in my head most of the time. Though I would say that there is almost no inherent self anymore in the feeling. Especially the last few weeks I have been extremely aware of my feelings almost all of the time. Much more than before. Most of the feeling is essentially just feeling now. I have also felt my body react to these feelings. I'm much more often either on the verge of tears or crying (not in a good or bad way, just in a neutral way). I'm much more often just aware of the anxiety feelings. Just a lot of emotional release. Thinking has also become much less sticky. I've become more aware of the fact that thoughts just appear and disappear and that they are not coming from 'me'.

~Jaïr

However, now that the larger issues (most notably the fear stuff) are starting to fade away these minor issues are popping up more and more. The blueprint to dealing with them is very clear, however sometimes I might not recognize the issues especially when they haven't shown up in a while.

This is the name of the game of realization. As one part is seen, the next becomes more obvious, so the whole path unfolds very naturally.

However, I also must admit that it seemed to take too much effort/focus sometimes to see that there is no chooser which made the process a bit superficial. This actually makes me think there is more to unpack here still, but maybe more on the level of trying to find the non-existence of the chooser itself.

You could try the alarm method. Once an hour, check in what happened. If you felt like a chooser, separate the senses and see if you can find the chooser.

Intellectually yes, experientially no. I still feel like I'm the decision-maker in my head most of the time. Though I would say that there is almost no inherent self anymore in the feeling. Especially the last few weeks I have been extremely aware of my feelings almost all of the time. Much more than before. Most of the feeling is essentially just feeling now. I have also felt my body react to these feelings. I'm much more often either on the verge of tears or crying (not in a good or bad way, just in a neutral way). I'm much more often just aware of the anxiety feelings. Just a lot of emotional release. Thinking has also become much less sticky. I've become more aware of the fact that thoughts just appear and disappear and that they are not coming from 'me'.

That's great :-)

So what is the feeling that you're a decision-maker?

What tells you that you are making decisions?

Hi Henri,

I'm a little bit of a weird place right now. I keep looking but there's just nothing but senses and thoughts, nothing else. Everytime I think about it I get tears in my eyes and feel grief. I've been sitting (not even on purpose) in the senses a lot the past week. And when I do the world just breaks down into meaningless (or 'thingless', not sure how to word it differently) empty senses and thoughts. My body falls apart into senses, my head falls apart, my cohesive identity falls apart, everything falls apart. The grief even falls apart into senses. I'm scared of what I've gotten myself into (though there was never really any choice). But then that fear falls apart into senses. I don't know what more to say. I just needed to get this of my chest apparently.

~Jaïr

That can indeed be weird!

It sounds like emptiness. The strangeness will pass in time.

If there's any nihilism creeping in (why do this? what's the point?), remember to feel the underlying feelings fully and that the idea of nihilism is empty as well (like you did with fear).

I was going to ask you about your expectations for being past the gate, but from what you write here, I am pretty sure you've already crashed the gate, so to speak, but we can keep talking here as long as feels relevant.

At some point, you may want to move into reactivity inquiry, if you're interested in the fetters approach to equanimity.

It's also good to remember during this time that this is how it always has been. There has never been a cohesive identity, or a head, or anything really. There's aliveness in the senses. Life dancing, so to speak.

Feel all the grief fully when you are able to (when it doesn't fall apart), and let me know if I can help :)

Hi Henri,

I was going to ask you about your expectations for being past the gate, but from what you write here, I am pretty sure you've already crashed the gate, so to speak, but we can keep talking here as long as feels relevant.

What does crashing the gate mean? Because I think it's just the lid that has been partially blown off (I hope this translates well in english, its more of a dutch expression maybe).

The past few days the story was mostly back on. I guess it moves in and out. Now that I'm writing actually the focus is back on the sensations again. It just goes back and forth all the time, but I can't really hold on to either side as much anymore. I am also less able to grab onto many old assumptions anymore (like what my experience is 'supposed' to look like and that there are answers to all questions), because they are recognized as assumptions very quickly. All of the words I'm typing just appear now and the emotions switch very quickly. For example, yesterday I was cycling home in the rain and snow and I was extremely angry at the world, at life, at the weather, at everything to the point where I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs and kick the trees at the side of the road and punch my bicycle. But then I got home and the feeling subsided within a few minutes and I was relatively content. Sometimes it feels like the drive to do feel is absolutely stone cold and sometimes (for example right now) it feels like there is this fire burning inside.

There is just so much confusion now. And I can't put it into any framework anymore, I just feel it or not. Which is the same with every emotion. A couple of days ago I felt extremely depressed, then the morning after I felt extremely numb, then the afternoon extremely angry, then the evening extremely happy. I am probably just rambling on at this point, but I can feel this really needed to be off my chest.

At some point, you may want to move into reactivity inquiry, if you're interested in the fetters approach to equanimity.

I did some research in the fetter stuff a few months ago but got immediately stuck in anxiety because of the expectations it triggered. Maybe some time soon is a good time to revisit some of it. Just to be sure, reactivity was fetter four and five right?

Feel all the grief fully when you are able to (when it doesn't fall apart), and let me know if I can help :)

I feel a bit unstable at the moment, so I definitely would like to keep talking for a bit! Thanks a lot for all of the talking up until now by the way, I appreciate it a lot! :)

What does crashing the gate mean? Because I think it's just the lid that has been partially blown off (I hope this translates well in english, its more of a dutch expression maybe).

It means you see clearly that there is no inherent self and never was.

It's like seeing that Santa isn't real. Santa can still put on his clothes and give presents to the children, but you know there is no real Santa living at the north pole.

The self may still pop up many times, but there is freedom there, because you've seen that there is no such thing.

Is this your experience?

The past few days the story was mostly back on. I guess it moves in and out. Now that I'm writing actually the focus is back on the sensations again. It just goes back and forth all the time, but I can't really hold on to either side as much anymore. I am also less able to grab onto many old assumptions anymore (like what my experience is 'supposed' to look like and that there are answers to all questions), because they are recognized as assumptions very quickly. All of the words I'm typing just appear now and the emotions switch very quickly. For example, yesterday I was cycling home in the rain and snow and I was extremely angry at the world, at life, at the weather, at everything to the point where I wanted to scream on the top of my lungs and kick the trees at the side of the road and punch my bicycle. But then I got home and the feeling subsided within a few minutes and I was relatively content. Sometimes it feels like the drive to do feel is absolutely stone cold and sometimes (for example right now) it feels like there is this fire burning inside.

Yes, this is quite normal. It's like the system is cleaning and processing. Just let it happen as best you can. It sounds like you're already doing great.

So what kind of expectations do you have when you've seen through the illusion of self?

What will happen?

What will be different from now?

I did some research in the fetter stuff a few months ago but got immediately stuck in anxiety because of the expectations it triggered. Maybe some time soon is a good time to revisit some of it. Just to be sure, reactivity was fetter four and five right?

Yes, fetter 4 and 5 is reactivity.

Can you say more about the expectations?

That in itself might be reactivity work.

I feel a bit unstable at the moment, so I definitely would like to keep talking for a bit! Thanks a lot for all of the talking up until now by the way, I appreciate it a lot! :)

Happy to help. I'm here until we both feel done here :)

Hi Henri,

It means you see clearly that there is no inherent self and never was.
It's like seeing that Santa isn't real. Santa can still put on his clothes and give presents to the children, but you know there is no real Santa living at the north pole.
The self may still pop up many times, but there is freedom there, because you've seen that there is no such thing.
Is this your experience?

I'm truly unsure (not because I want it to be true and therefore pretend to myself). I can clearly see that everything is sensation or thought. Whether it is my 'self', my 'head', my 'body', the 'future', the 'past', etc. I don't know I just expected something to change experientially I guess, however everything is still exactly the same as it was. In other words, I knew the tree would still look exactly the same as the tree looked two months ago, but I expected my point of view to change somehow if that makes sense. On the other hand, I don't know what I thought would happen, so it would kinda make sense that everything is still the same.

I guess I also had some expectations about the freedom that I thought was going to be felt. Because, I expected that the emotions would just be flowing without me feeling the need to interfere, but still being able to interfere if 'I' wanted to. However, like I said, its more like the lid has been blown off and there is no way to stop feeling anymore, it just happens when it happens and does not happen when it does not happen. I guess I thought that the resistances to feeling would fall away instantly? Now it is more like the resistance is still there, its just not able to push away the feeling anymore.

I thought I would feel more detached from my body, emotions, thoughts, etc. But the sensations of 'I' are still here, its just that they are sensations now when the focus is there. I also thought that at some point when a sensation appeared it would be instantly clear that it is a sensation, but there is still this very tiny transition window where sensations are not recognized and become recognized as sensations. The transition always happens when the focus is there, I just thought it would have to become an instant recognition.

Somehow I also secretly believed that life would be better or less painful in some way. This believe has partially vanished (its still there in relation to the concept of enlightenment. However, it is not here anymore in relation to the concept of clearly seeing the sensations). I thought that the confusion in general would lessen as well. Much of the confusion around the seeing the sensations has disappeared, but the confusion in general has now only increased, because it is not pushed away anymore.

Yes, fetter 4 and 5 is reactivity.
Can you say more about the expectations?
That in itself might be reactivity work.

Can you explain what the reactivity part of inquiry is about. I tried to look it up on Google, but I'm unfamiliar with the terminology.

~Jaïr

In other words, I knew the tree would still look exactly the same as the tree looked two months ago, but I expected my point of view to change somehow if that makes sense. On the other hand, I don't know what I thought would happen, so it would kinda make sense that everything is still the same.

For some it's bigger shift, for others they don't even notice it.

For me it was simply noticing that there is no controller, decider, etc. Life happens 'by itself'. There's more lightness and humor. Things aren't so personal.

Usually the shift is clear, and you know there is no self even if I tell you that you haven't seen it.

There's a reason this feels ordinary. It's nothing special, yet it's like a burden has been put down, because everything isn't about the self.

This doesn't mean that the feeling of I AM disappears. This first fetter isn't about the feeling of being alive and having a center (that is fetter 8). The separate self is only focused on the belief that there is a person inside there controlling, thinking, experiencing life.

I guess I also had some expectations about the freedom that I thought was going to be felt. Because, I expected that the emotions would just be flowing without me feeling the need to interfere, but still being able to interfere if 'I' wanted to. However, like I said, its more like the lid has been blown off and there is no way to stop feeling anymore, it just happens when it happens and does not happen when it does not happen. I guess I thought that the resistances to feeling would fall away instantly? Now it is more like the resistance is still there, its just not able to push away the feeling anymore.

Not interfering is equanimity and comes from seeing that there's no need to react (fetter 4 and 5).

Self-view dropping means that the feelings aren't happening to anybody, and there's no one controlling it all. Suffering can very much still be there though since this is the beginning of the path.

I thought I would feel more detached from my body, emotions, thoughts, etc. But the sensations of 'I' are still here, its just that they are sensations now when the focus is there. I also thought that at some point when a sensation appeared it would be instantly clear that it is a sensation, but there is still this very tiny transition window where sensations are not recognized and become recognized as sensations. The transition always happens when the focus is there, I just thought it would have to become an instant recognition.

The self was in a way the protection mechanism between emotions and thoughts, so when that goes, there is just everything happening.

When you say sensations of 'I' are still there, can you say more?

And can you say more about sensations being recognized? Do you mean a sensation that feels like self?

Can you explain what the reactivity part of inquiry is about. I tried to look it up on Google, but I'm unfamiliar with the terminology.

Did you read this yet? https://www.simplytheseen.com/inquiry-i ... -will.html

Kevin also talks about the separate self in that article so it's worth a read.

Hi Henri,

Sorry for the long break. I wanted to write sooner but I have not been able to get into the forums of Liberation Unleashed for a couple of days for some reason. I thought it might have had something to do with the connection, however it might have been an issue with my own (old) pc. Since I tried logging in using my phone yesterday and that worked perfectly fine. I had this issue before though but not for several consecutive days. Maybe it is an issue other people are experiencing as well?

Usually the shift is clear, and you know there is no self even if I tell you that you haven't seen it.

Yeah, I'm still not quite sure whether a 'shift' has happened. Maybe I've been putting too much weight and expectation on the 'shift' as an event, I don't know. However, it is quite clear that everything I do happens not because 'I' decided to do so, but because of the set of circumstances that just so happened to arise in this particular moment. As an example, I became sad simply because something brushed up against my cheek which was similar in sensation to the face sensations I feel when I'm sad. I think I also might have misinterpreted the controller/decider as the feeling behind my eyes, which is what I was trying to get rid off.

Also, this idea of everything happening on its own is largely very old (I figured most of it out about three years ago). I realised that my personality, dreams, hopes, ambitions, etc. were not mine but just happened to turn out this way. There was a crazy relief back then. The added bonus of figuring out that the 'fear' emotion and thoughts about this process also just happen, did not really feel that much more freeing. Which may be why I was expecting more (just speculation). The beliefs on fear and process-thoughts only fell recently.

These things are clear. You or any other human can tell me otherwise, it wouldn't change the viewpoint.

When you say sensations of 'I' are still there, can you say more?

The sensations that I associated with being an 'someone' inside my own head are still there. The sensation behind my eyes and in my face and throat etc. are still there. However, I can see that they are sensations. Previously, I expected these sensations to stop happening because I associated these sensations with being an 'I'. However, I have since figured out that that was a belief-based misperception.

And can you say more about sensations being recognized? Do you mean a sensation that feels like self?

What I mean by this is that my system is probably not adapted entirely. There are still thoughts that pop up and then for a very tiny window in time (I called it the transition window or something in my previous post) I believe the thought. Then within a fraction of a second there is the recognition of: 'Oh wait, it is a thought that just popped up.'. This recognition is definitely not a thought (I have no clue what it is, it has no qualities and it is impossible to pinpoint) and often accompanied by a feeling which feels something like letting out a breath that has been held in for a while.

Did you read this yet? https://www.simplytheseen.com/inquiry-i ... -will.html, Kevin also talks about the separate self in that article so it's worth a read.

Oh yes, I have read this. Sometime ago Simply Always Awake had a series of videos where Angelo and Kevin discussed the fetter model in great detail. It resonated a lot back then and I went to look at Kevin's site, but I couldn't figure out which fetter I needed to work on. This made me anxious so I stopped looking into the fetter model. I will definitely read it again now. Thanks!

Finally, I wanted to mention that I had a super weird experience two days ago and I don't know what it means (if anything). Maybe you have some thoughts on it. Five or six years ago I remember trying to imagine what it would be like to be blind. Up until then I always just thought that being blind would mean you would see all black, similarly to what I see now with my eyes closed. Then I realised that that is not true, if you are blind you would see the same thing as I see with the back of my head. Or in other words, it would be non-seeing, but just all the way around your head instead of only at the back and side of your head. Two days ago, I had just watched a video of Simply Always Awake in which they said that experience is only a fraction of what is actually there (I may have phrased this wrong, I don't remember the exact wording). I was in the shower and this thought experiment about being blind popped back into my head and I was like: 'hahaha, that is the same as non-smelling with the soles of your feet. Lol, it sounds just like a koan.' And then I suddenly realised that this non-seeing, non-smelling, non-hearing, etc. is literally everywhere and completely endless in possibilities. It is clearly not a thought, it has no qualities, it is just not a thing at all. It absolutely blew my mind. So much so that I could feel the same head sensations as I felt when doing two three-hour exams back to back. When I look only at experience it seems to be my entire frame of mind. But when I look at both experience and non-experience, I can clearly see that experience is only a small percentage of the entirety of what can be 'seen'. I have not been able to place this in any framework and I don't know what it is. It is mostly clear in the domain of hearing, but also vaguely clear in the other senses. I don't know if this is just some nonsense, but I have a very strong sense that it is not. If you want, I would really like to hear your take on this.

~Jaïr

I had this issue before though but not for several consecutive days. Maybe it is an issue other people are experiencing as well?

The forum has had some technical issues, so not just you!

These things are clear. You or any other human can tell me otherwise, it wouldn't change the viewpoint.

This conviction is usually what follows a shift. Even if all the guides here on LU told you that you haven't seen this, it wouldn't matter.

It may be that you're exploring post-first awakening territory right now.

What do you expect will happen when separate self illusion is seen through?

Or what do you secretly want to happen?

The sensations that I associated with being an 'someone' inside my own head are still there. The sensation behind my eyes and in my face and throat etc. are still there. However, I can see that they are sensations. Previously, I expected these sensations to stop happening because I associated these sensations with being an 'I'. However, I have since figured out that that was a belief-based misperception.

These sensations rarely disappear with seeing through separate self (fetter 1). Feelings in the sternum/eyes can drop away with subject/object or perception inquiry (fetter 6 and 7), and the subtle sense of self / I AM drops with fetter 8.

All fetter 1 is really about is: Is there a controller, decider, thinker, feeler, doer that is separate from existence and has free will to do whatever it wants?

Then within a fraction of a second there is the recognition of: 'Oh wait, it is a thought that just popped up.'. This recognition is definitely not a thought (I have no clue what it is, it has no qualities and it is impossible to pinpoint) and often accompanied by a feeling which feels something like letting out a breath that has been held in for a while.

This sounds like the system is unwinding old conditioning.

Usually old beliefs and habits pop up, but they collapse over and over again, until they no longer show up.

I have not been able to place this in any framework and I don't know what it is. It is mostly clear in the domain of hearing, but also vaguely clear in the other senses. I don't know if this is just some nonsense, but I have a very strong sense that it is not. If you want, I would really like to hear your take on this.

I'm not completely clear on what you mean. At this level all of this tends to become so unique and personal that it is difficult to describe to others.

For example, when you say that experience becomes your frame of mind, do you mean like with seeing a cup, everything becomes the cup?

Hi Henri,

The forum has had some technical issues, so not just you!

Ah okay, they seem to have resolved the issue as well, I was able to login throughout the day.

What do you expect will happen when separate self illusion is seen through?
Or what do you secretly want to happen?

What do you mean by illusion of separate self? Is this the first fetter you have been talking about? If so, I expect nothing to happen. No event, just gradual change in perception. This change does not happen because there is a 'me' somewhere in my head that wants it to happen. It just happens because apparently the circumstances are in place. All the things that I secretly want to happen are thoughts and therefore do not matter. Without looking at thoughts I don't really want anything to happen. Whatever happens happens.

These sensations rarely disappear with seeing through separate self (fetter 1). Feelings in the sternum/eyes can drop away with subject/object or perception inquiry (fetter 6 and 7), and the subtle sense of self / I AM drops with fetter 8. All fetter 1 is really about is: Is there a controller, decider, thinker, feeler, doer that is separate from existence and has free will to do whatever it wants?

Ah, I see.

This sounds like the system is unwinding old conditioning. Usually old beliefs and habits pop up, but they collapse over and over again, until they no longer show up.

Okay! This was an underlying belief I had before. I thought the recognition of old beliefs and habits had to be instant. They are collapsing constantly now, throughout the entire day. Without there being the idea that I have to make it happen, it just happens when it happens and does not happen when it does not happen.

I'm not completely clear on what you mean. At this level all of this tends to become so unique and personal that it is difficult to describe to others. For example, when you say that experience becomes your frame of mind, do you mean like with seeing a cup, everything becomes the cup?

No, I'll try to explain as well as I can with location terms like left and right (though this doesn't really capture it). Also, the fact that the 3D explanation makes so much sense probably means that most of it is not entirely clear and hasn't really sunken in yet. I meant that before when I heard a sound, it seemed like that sound was all that existed within the field of experience. Nothing seemed to fit in left or right or above or below within the field. But now when hearing takes place, I simultaneously 'experience' (or non-experience for lack of a better term) the places that hearing doesn't happen. In other words, the field has expanded somewhat and includes non-experience. For example, when I hear a sound in the location of my ears I simultaneously 'hear' the silence in the palm of my hand (or any body part for that matter). And that silence is obviously almost everywhere except the places where there is occasionaly some sound. Before, I only noticed the sound which seemed to be the entire field, now the field seems much bigger because it includes silence as well. I have noticed similar things for the other senses, but it is more vague still. I hope this explanation is a little bit more clear hahaha.

~Jaïr

What do you mean by illusion of separate self? Is this the first fetter you have been talking about? If so, I expect nothing to happen. No event, just gradual change in perception. This change does not happen because there is a 'me' somewhere in my head that wants it to happen. It just happens because apparently the circumstances are in place. All the things that I secretly want to happen are thoughts and therefore do not matter. Without looking at thoughts I don't really want anything to happen. Whatever happens happens.

Yes, separate self is first fetter.

Before, I only noticed the sound which seemed to be the entire field, now the field seems much bigger because it includes silence as well. I have noticed similar things for the other senses, but it is more vague still. I hope this explanation is a little bit more clear hahaha.

Makes sense! Can't say I've experienced anything like that, or I may not have paid much attention to it. I say go with it, enjoy, and see where it goes :)

Here's a pointer:

Stream Exercise

Imagine for a moment a scene, one of a little mountain stream which is tumbling down a hillside gully, not far from its source. It has been raining and so the level is quite high.

Consider in your mind's eye, if you can, how it flows to the right over a little rock (where, had the level been lower, it would probably have gone around the rock), then the flow goes to the left over a tree bow, and then slows a little in a broader place, before splashing over a small cascade into a pool, and so on down the mountain side.

Does it choose any of its directions? Is it even really a separate entity different from the water deposited in it, the rocks, the depressions in the ground and so on?

Is it even the same entity moment by moment, or more the product of weather conditions and water, like an ever-changing pattern?

1. Can you find anywhere where 'you' autonomously intervene into life, choosing something that is not the product of all the elements; that is not a part of the overall flow?

2. Now please consider a regular decision made eg; what to wear in the morning, or what to eat for lunch, and describe to me what happens. There are environmental factors, there are color preferences (but where did those come from - any autonomous intervention there perhaps?), practical issues (such as what is available), available time for preparation, purpose (eg; need to fill up for the day, or to look cool for a certain person) etc.

Where in there is an autonomous entity intervening in the flow of life?

Can you find someone somewhere?

3. Can anything be found for which 'you' are responsible – if so responsible to what and for what?

Enjoy :)