Looking for a guide

[okjose]

Hi Henri, thanks for being so patient.

Last few days I've really been dealing with anxiety. The general thought that came was "the looking is causing anxiety so stop looking". In fact a lot of old fearful thoughts have been making an appearance, at the same time my mum came to visit yesterday and as much as I appreciate her there a lot stress when I'm around her (funny how life throws things at you).
I went onto the Liberaion Unleahed app today and saw theres a whole section on fear that I'd somehow overlooked. That was perfect timing to read through that. I plan to do some deep looking tomorrow morning.
So I'm feeling into it all and looking at the fear in DE and the "I" thought again and it clear that this is the way forward here at the moment (newsflash haha).

Responses to the final questions to follow shortly

[Bluejay]

Nice that you found some good stuff in the app! :)

Ilona also has a video on anxiety: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTMnMsJUHgE

When the self illusion drops, it's another filter gone that used to shield you from trauma, unwanted emotions, and so on, so a lot of stuff can come up to be processed.

[okjose]

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

No it was believed that thought was an independent “I” and that “I” was separate from everything.

2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

The illusion starts with the assumption and belief of “I” (a separate self character). The mind makes “I” and the illusion starts with believing that “I” is what is experiencing.
So when looking at an object in the room it is imagined that “I” (a thought) is looking, this seemingly divides the experience into 2 parts (I and thing) and so creates the sense of separation. Since “I” is a thought and can’t actually experience seeing this creates an illusion that things are separate from “me” the thought. But the thought is seen also.

3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

There is still a lot of clarifying going on here and dealing with fearful thoughts that can seemingly prevent looking.
But it’s like things fall into their rightful place when it’s seen that “I am..” is a thought. Or that Jose and his story doesn’t actually exist. Things feel more immediate and intimate. There can be a refreshing and relaxing feeling and a freeing feeling. And a sense of more possibilities. More joyful and inspiring thoughts can arise. Sensations that were labelled negative can become enjoyable.
The difference is quite huge in terms of my perspective. There’s a lot of flip flopping happening too.

4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?

I’m not sure I understand this question. But there was one moment when I said about looking at the T-shirt on the rack and there was a brief experience or recognition of non-seperation. Like just one thing going on and it was seen that I’d been adding or inserting a “me” into the mix. Another moment was when you answered yes to the question “Am I a thought?”. This seemed like shocking news and gave a slightly different perspective. But something happened when the fear of thinking ‘I am a thought’ turned into “Oh ok but everything thing is still here!” “This is just what thinking feels like and I’m not the thinking this is also just appearing” to no one :)

5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.

Decisions appear to be made by the “I thought” but in fact that’s just thought narrating. Deciding what to eat this evening would just be a thought about food and another thought about ‘this evening’.

Describe intention & give examples from experience.

I would describe intention as a persistent thought about a ‘future’ moment. Or the urge to do something. Which seems to be a thought of doing followed by a contraction in the body.

I intend to shower before work in a couple hours. This is a thought that comes with contraction seemingly making it appear that it is happening so the body responds but in actual fact nothing has happened in that way. It’s just a thought about ‘future’ (thought)

Describe free will & give examples from experience.

Free will is a concept. “Free” meaning it is independent or separate from all. And “Will” meaning it can choose or decide giving the sense of control.

It is the thought that the “I” (a thought) can choose and make decisions independently from life. It seems to involve an “I” has the ability to control a “future” (thought).

Describe choice & give examples from experience.

Choice is the belief that the I thought is choosing or making things happen.

If I choose a pair of sock to wear. What actually goes on is looking at socks while thought “ums and ah’s” and so there is a belief that thought (“I”) is choosing but the process happens with or without the narration of thought.

Describe control & give examples from experience.

Controlling happens, for example when I drive a car the ‘body’ has been taught how to do that. The me thought narrates what is happening giving a sense that it (thought/me) is in control but the control happens with or without the “I" thought.

What makes things happen? How does it work?

I don’t know. What makes the heart pump or the tree grow. It’s imagined that there is a driving force but that is only thought. Any answer would be thought. It all just seems to happen.

What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.

In reality I/you doesn’t exist in the way it’s thought so there just can’t be ownership or responsibility for anything.

I share a home and so there is a responsibility to pay rent and bills along with everyone else. I have to go to work and get paid if I’m going to pay my rent and bills. All of these things are called my responsibility.. but they would all still happen without the concept of responsibility or the idea of a controller.

6) Anything to add?

Theres is still a sense of a controller and a doer a lot of the time and also doubt. But this seems to be working itself out. There’s also a lot of past trauma that keeps coming up to be resolved or seen and this is linked to the apparent ‘control’ and doubt. I’m starting to see more and more that suffering can be seen as guide or even a blessing and an opportunity to deepen. There’s a lot of learning happening and looking. The looking seems to resolve. I don’t know how to say this but I keep catching myself believing I am thought and then it’s seen that it is just thought and nothing has changed. Then there’s a good feeling in just seeing. Often a feeling of something like beauty and gratitude.

[Bluejay]

Thanks Jose!

I'll share these with other guides and see if they have any questions or feedback.

I'll be back :)

[Bluejay]

No one had any questions. So we're done here :)

You will be contacted by the admin with resources and links.

I'll send you a PM as I have a few things I want to cover.

[okjose]

Thank you so much Henri. If I could thank you in person I'd buy you an ice-cream.