Dear Vivien,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. There is none and there has never been such an entity.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now
The illusion starts early in life when thoughts arise about one's perceptions, such as of a body, hunger, needs, which are are put in relation to everything that is perceived as falling outside that imagined personal sphere or realm. Life thus becomes that impossible struggle of I in and vs. this world, which gets clad by a heavy cultural straitjacket family and society at large hold ready to impart on every their member in a celebrated cult of the individual. The self is then seen and a sense of it corroborated in every one's own and other's actions, and the entire facade of thought illusions that follows from such perceived separations. An empty mind game of thoughts, memories, expectations. Fear of self destruction (no self) underpins it all. That fear keeps reality hidden, and from revealing itself. Piercing through that fear and sad charade holds the solution.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
It's a sobering sight. It's also a relief. It's a direct, experiential insight that differs from the held belief about no-self prior to starting this dialogue. Compared to before, seeking somehow stopped.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
Most crucial was the realization that what was previously viewed as awareness, witness, decision-maker, etc. is not some deep or higher self, but merely part of the thought illusion. Absent that, there is no self to refer to. It's as simple as that.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work.
Decision, intention, free will, choice and control are illusory creations made by thoughts that interweave in relation to perception. They create that movie-like sense of life and living, in which self fights its battles for survival. For example, take a seeming decision to spend the weekend at home, rather than driving to a beach resort. That decision springs out of a stream of thoughts weighing the pros and cons about various factors, and eventually a formulated choice of going or not. One would thus feel in control of spending the weekend at the beach, out of free will, but this is not so. For, upon looking, there is no evidence at all about any of these thoughts relating to a decision being made, at first, and the body actually not going to the beach when time comes. All that is seen is a whole lot of thoughts surrounding a body at home, that's it, and that has nothing to do with decision, free will, choice or you have it. It's all but a movie.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
Nothing really. How could one be if one lacks free will? For example, my non-decision to not going to the beach makes me not responsible for whatever happened at home instead.
How does it FEEL now that you have had the realisation?
I feel nothing in particular. I wear the imagined self as if it were an old pullover on naked skin or less, no more than that.
6) Anything to add?
I am most grateful to you, dear Vivien, for guidance and support.
Ben
