If you are ready, come in..

[MerlinC]

Sorry I see that. lets say I chouse to dress my hotdog with just musterd and no ketchup to be on the wild side. that choice is control is it not? thats were Im stuck on with this control thing. I see that control is an oxymoron to life but whats stoping me from kicking an ants nest and calling that control because I choice to end the lives of some harmless bugs? they did not have control over me but I did on them.

[Ilona]

No, choosing mustard is not control. You are not looking. You keep thinking about it.

Through the day, observe how choices are being made. As they present themselves take a look how they happen as they happen. Take it seriously for the love of truth.

What do you notice in actual real life? Not in theories about ketchup.
Can you control choice? Can you do opposite to what has been chosen?
What is it that chooses?

For the fun bit, watch this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6S9Oidm ... ata_player
What can you say about mustard or ketchup after watching this?

[MerlinC]

The sence of self the me chooses and yes I can control choice but I work in my best interests so its unlikely that Id choose what I would think would not help me in some way or doing whats right. I have no control over life as a whole or the force that controls my body when I walk or take action but it feels like Im taking action or choosing. so choosing musturd is not theory to me its a matter of my logic.

[Ilona]

sense of self is nothing but sense of aliveness. if you label it self, it does not mean that it's self. it means that now you believe that the label is in control.

what is not on automatic?

[MerlinC]

I guess everything is automatic in some form or another. accept my willingness to accept that.

[Ilona]

Including your resistance. Or is resistance not automatic?
And if everything is automatic, then is there a need for 'me'?

[MerlinC]

resistance comes because at some level I want control. Without a me wouldn't I be a vegetable that's why I think I resist because I feel a me is necessary.

[Ilona]

Life is already going on without a me. It's just that there is a belief in a me that is controller/ manager of life.

Consider Santa. As a small child believes in magical Santa that brings him gifts, then one day he finds out that it was his parents. The belief in Santa drops. But he still gets presents. :) only now he knows the truth and can not believe in Santa again.

I am in control- is a thought.
In reality there is no I in control- life is happening by itself. + thoughts about life are happening. Belief in I that is in control is the same as belief in Santa bringing presents.

Resistance comes and it's your best friend, thank it for coming. Ask that resistance what is it that it is protecting. What needs to be protected. Feel that feeling in the body. Feel it fully. Look behind that feeling. What is there?

[MerlinC]

I want change and I see attaining power as my way out. control over my life is one of my strongest desires. losing control is a nightmare

[Ilona]

You are in a wrong forum then.
:)
The way out of suffering is through surrender, not control.
There is no you.
Not- you are god.

I can only show you the door to truth, not to power.
Choose wisely.

What are you afraid to loose? Look closer.

[MerlinC]

Im afraid of losing my mind but I see mind deals with duality and whats up one day can come down the next. and being aware of the present now not destorted by thoughts by focusing is very peacefull. I was speaking out of mixed emotions when talking about control earlyer and I see that control is a story because when I find reason to believe in it I find an equil amount going against its probabilty. truth is what is and control is a fleeting belief. I wanted it because I thought it could bring me outer changes but they to in time change so I think what we are doing here is very healing and I thank you for your help.

[Ilona]

Nice to see you back. And even nicer to see that you are over the control trip.
So let's look into free will. Have you got it? What is it? How do you know?

Sending love.

[MerlinC]

free will is acting or willing something to happen from your freedom to do so. I dont have free will because in all reality Im in fear to do or not do and its all habitual but I do know you can change your thinking & beliefs which have affects on the type of life you lead. freewill implys that I could go to the moon right now if I wanted to just because its a god given right to be free and on top of that its my will but Im not free also there are circumstances that strip you of your abilty to move ahead in the direction you had in mine.

[Ilona]

Lift your left arm up above your head and blink 3 times.

Do it now, before you read.

Did it happen?
How it happened?
Did you choose to follow instruction or brain got it and reacted?
Is it possible that me is not necesary for this action to happen?
Is it possible that everything runs the same way?

Take a good look today, watch other people, how does response happen?

Sending love.

[MerlinC]

after I choose to do it raising my arm and blinking happened automaticly. there is no need of a me when I start and do things like walking or doing things in general but theres a voice that says time to go or do this or that. without I me how would I learn or speak?